Privacy - am I overreacting?

[EasterJoy]

I didn’t say a sense of privacy was a shame, I said if it stemmed from insecurity it was a shame - there is a huge difference. Someone, it may have been the OP mentioned they worry too much about what other people think.

I think people are going slightly over the top, the OP wasn’t about the whole world and intimate details such as sex life, positions, erectile dysfunctions or finance. It was about the timing of children to a sister of her husband. I’ve already stated I personally wouldn’t tell everyone everything, but I’m certainly not as private as you guys seem to be…and sorry but you did make it sound like EVERYTHING was off the table for others even family members. I don’t deliberately tell my info to gossips, but if people start talking, I’m not going to worry about it…you mentioned innocent information? What on earth are you on about now? Why would I tell people something that wasn’t innocent? If I genuinely want to tell my family and friends something and as I have said before it’s different depending on who they are and where I know them from…whats not innocent about that?

I’m sorry I don’t understand your views on this…

This is the thing: Tell some people that you are planning to have a child, and then find yourself childless, and it can almost be predicted that the comments and questions will not stop…what you are doing wrong, that you must be worrying too much, that you ought to try such and so, are you doing this, are you doing that, perhaps you have waited too long, women these days and their careers, don’t they ever see this coming, you will probably have to adopt, have you gotten on a list yet… The suffering that women in particular go through because this kind of busybody so regularly gets hold of them is hard to overstate. If you don’t believe me, ask someone who announced a desire to get pregnant that was not realized for over five years. They will have stories, I can guarantee it.

Tell people, OTOH, that you plan to avoid having children for the time being, only to find yourself with a blessed event on the way shortly thereafter, and then you get not only the kind of thing the OP related (which is bad enough and quite outrageous!), but you will find in ten years that these same big-mouths will tell your children that they were not planned. Yes, I have heard grade school children commiserating over this very thing on more than one occasion, concluding that they were really not wanted, all because of this kind of aged gossip was handed down to them for who-knows-what imaginable reason! Honestly, it would be better to talk about your erectile dysfunction, because a grown man can handle the works of these wagging tongues better than a poor child can!

It is not innocent to tell a person of that nature what someone else’s hopes are with regards to the timing of children, because they have such a track record of making bad use of that kind of information. I mean that when you know someone is a thoughtless gossip who hurts the feelings of others and especially when you know someone is a vicious gossip who uses the personal information of others against them, it is not innocent to tell them information that might be innocently told to almost anyone else. It is not innocent to tell someone in their circle who is not discrete, because you have to know where the information is headed. That is all that I mean: that is, that there are extreme circumstances where it is our duty to protect other people from harm. I wish those circumstances were rare, but they are not nearly rare enough. Another case is the woman whom you know will use your plans to have a child to beat her own daughter over the head, pressuring the daughter to produce a grandchild for the busybody.

Besides, it is not as if your hopes about when to have a child are “news”. It isn’t news because you cannot decide when you are going to get pregnant. It is not something a couple controls directly, like booking a vacation. You can improve your chances, but you cannot make it happen. Therefore, it is better not to be too free with this things. Again, if you want to do it concerning your own pregnancy, that is up to you, excepting the case where you know you are providing a near occasion of sin to a weak soul. In that case, it is better to preserve them from the temptation and keep your plans to yourself. Do everyone a favor, and share you hopes with someone more sensitive and discrete.

 

[Book_Worm]

I must say I am stunned by some of the posts on this thread!

If people want to discuss the intimate details of their lives, that is completely their prerogative, although I’d prefer tales of your water breaking not be shared over the dinner table. However, if this information is not shared voluntarily, ASKING about them is definitely extremely rude, no matter what the norms are in your family. The fact that I married your brother/son/nephew does not give you entree into my reproductive system, uterus and it’s contents or lack thereof.

It really doesn’t matter if you are related by blood or not; being family does not give you the right to demand information which does not impact your life. And the concept that the failure to include the members of your spouse’s family in your plans for pregnancy and family size means that you are somehow relegated to secondary status is especially sad. The idea that a sister has a right to know the intimate details of her DB’s marriage says a lot more about HER insecurity than it does the wife’s. There’s that whole “forsaking all others” thing.

When you plan to have children is a private matter and decision. Once you are pregnant, it’s pretty much public knowledge, so there probably no reason why asking the due date would be an intrusion. Similarity, saying “How are you feeling?” could be answered by a breezy “fine,” or a more extensive list of the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy and “How are you” is something we ask each other every day, so I don’t see why that would be prying. But extrapolating that these question are of the same degree of intrusion is not logical to me.

 

[EasterJoy]

When you plan to have children is a private matter and decision. Once you are pregnant, it’s pretty much public knowledge, so there probably no reason why asking the due date would be an intrusion. Similarity, saying “How are you feeling?” could be answered by a breezy “fine,” or a more extensive list of the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy and “How are you” is something we ask each other every day, so I don’t see why that would be prying. But extrapolating that these question are of the same degree of intrusion is not logical to me.

I know a poor woman who was asked when her due date was. Her problem? She had delivered her child six months before! I have been asked that question before I ever got pregnant at all!! My response: “Nope! Just fat, I guess!” The busybody was embarrassed, but he deserved it. Asking a due date when you have a rough idea of when it is, in the course of asking the woman if she is feeling well, that is fine. It is nice to let someone know you care, and that you share their excitement. That is a kind thing to do.

“How are you doing? You are certainly looking well! Are you keeping a secret?” are invitations to disclose that do not pry too much. If she elects to say nothing, you can simply say, “Well, you shouldn’t walk around with that beautiful Mona Lisa smile, then! If you have no secrets, what’s up that’s not a secret, then? Anything good to share? Or is that just a smile of contentment over how much nothing you have to deal with, and let’s knock on wood?” lets her know that you are all ears for her without putting her on the spot.

IOW, I have nothing against invitations issued for people to feel free to tell you all they are inclined to spread around. It is the specifically putting people on the spot or thoughtlessness when giving a response to their news that is the problem–that and forgetting to let other people share their own news with the people they choose to share it with. After all, if you never let them know that you are willing to listen, who is going to bore you with all the details of their lives? It is very much OK to let them know that you’re open to hearing whatever they feel inclined to share.

 

[Book_Worm]

I know a poor woman who was asked when her due date was. Her problem? She had delivered her child six months before! I have been asked that question before I ever got pregnant at all!! My response: “Nope! Just fat, I guess.”

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt (XL!)

 

[EasterJoy]

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt (XL!)

I hope no one bought one of those in an XS. I’d hate to face the punishment for shooting her.

I wouldn’t do that and shouldn’t even joke about it–some women get pestered by the busybodies with unwelcome personal comments about how slender they are! A woman I know lost weight because she got depressed and couldn’t find the appetite to eat, and she actually had people tell her she was lucky, because when they got depressed they ate too much and gained weight. (Telling a depressed friend that her debilitating depression is “better” than yours–so very helpful!)

 

[maryjk]

I am curious, though, Mary, do you think that anything and everything is fair game to be shared with everyone? Is it appropriate for a married couple to discuss the specifics of the frequency and details of their marital relations at the dinner table with all of their friends and loved ones? Does Uncle John Doe need to tell everyone he knows that he has erectile dysfunction and can’t “perform” for Aunt Jane Doe? Sure, he might share with one or two relatives who might be able to help, but does it need to be BROADCASTED and shared with EVERYONE? Must each family member and friend make copies of their bank statement and hand it out so everyone is in the loop? Do you think there is any benefit in keeping such things private? If people want to share such things, more power to them. But I do not think people, such as myself and the other posters on here who have said they are also private, should be viewed as being unreasonable for wanting to keep certain things private for certain reasons.

I’ve never said that everything has to be shared. My comment was to someone that claimed that nothing should be shared. If I remember correctly, the poster said, “If I don’t expose that part of my body to you, you shouldn’t ask about it…”

Which indicated, to me at least, that even asking someone, that you know is pregnant, about her due date, is a no-no. Since she wouldn’t expose her pregnant belly to me, I shouldn’t ask about it. (No, I am not talking about people that put their foot in their mouth about you being pregnant, when you are just fat. I’ve been there. The look of horror on their face when I say, Nope just fat," usually makes up for the hurt that their comment caused.)

Same with someone I know that is trying to lose weight. I shouldn’t say, “wow, you look great.” Because, well unless the person only lost weight in their face, I am again commenting on parts of the body that hasn’t been exposed to me.

THAT was the extreme that I read.

YOU then took my comment and turned it around. No one in the thread has been talking about sharing EVERYTHING. Bank statements, where did you get that??? BROADCASTING information?

Heck, I thought we were talking about having kids and people asking questions about pregnancy, NFP and babies.

You also need to consider the context of the situation. It is great that you seem to have a network of church friends and neighbors who are kind to you. If I had such a network, I might be more inclined to share things. But I do not have such a network. In the context of this particular situation, the friend that my sister-in-law passed the information along to was laughing at us, making rude comments, and criticizing our religious beliefs about NFP. My sister-in-law is someone who has never been spectacularly kind to me, ever since my husband first introduced me to his family. Anytime I tried to reach out to her, she did little to reciprocate my efforts to establishing a familial relationship. I won’t go into too much detail, but she basically advised my husband to protect himself from me because there was a chance I might divorce him (there was NO evidence to suggest that I would someday divorce him). After the wedding, I had a hard time being around her because I felt so intimidated. When my husband and I told her what we planned to name our baby, she basically told us we were crazy to want to name him that and we should be naming him something else. I felt very hurt because the name we had chosen was very special and important to me. Do you think it is unreasonable then, Mary, to not want to share things with this particular relative?

All I’m saying is…if people want to share everything about themselves, that’s fine. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable or strange for people to want to keep certain things private.

LilyRose_8891, I am sorry you have such an evil sister in law. But, if you look at your first post, you gave no indication that you had such a SIL. I am sure there are many here that would have given you advise for dealing with such a person.

I have a very similar MIL. Honestly, she is a witch. I dread being around her because she doesn’t know how to act politely. In fact, due to numerous situations, we don’t speak to each other anymore. And we haven’t spoken in 5 years. As I said she is pretty much a witch:shrug:

So, no it is not unreasonable to want to keep information from such a person. BUT, you gave NO indication that you were dealing with such a person.

YOU simply indicated that your husband, your SIL and others were in effect playing a game of telephone with your pregnancy information.

And yes, I have many friends that I can talk to. They don’t spread rumors or tell tales out of school. In fact, if someone I knew did spread rumors about me, I wouldn’t be spending any time with them. And no, it wouldn’t mater who it was. (See, above information about my MIL.)

 

[Xantippe]

EasterJoy said:

“I know a poor woman who was asked when her due date was. Her problem? She had delivered her child six months before!”

I almost asked a woman when her due date was, only to learn some weeks later that she had delivered several months previously. It was my kid’s teacher, too, so I am doubly happy that I kept my big fat mouth shut. Yay, me!

 

[LilyRose_8891]

I’ve never said that everything has to be shared. My comment was to someone that claimed that nothing should be shared. If I remember correctly, the poster said, “If I don’t expose that part of my body to you, you shouldn’t ask about it…”

Which indicated, to me at least, that even asking someone, that you know is pregnant, about her due date, is a no-no. Since she wouldn’t expose her pregnant belly to me, I shouldn’t ask about it. (No, I am not talking about people that put their foot in their mouth about you being pregnant, when you are just fat. I’ve been there. The look of horror on their face when I say, Nope just fat," usually makes up for the hurt that their comment caused.)

Same with someone I know that is trying to lose weight. I shouldn’t say, “wow, you look great.” Because, well unless the person only lost weight in their face, I am again commenting on parts of the body that hasn’t been exposed to me.

THAT was the extreme that I read.

YOU then took my comment and turned it around. No one in the thread has been talking about sharing EVERYTHING. Bank statements, where did you get that??? BROADCASTING information?

Heck, I thought we were talking about having kids and people asking questions about pregnancy, NFP and babies.
LilyRose_8891, I am sorry you have such an evil sister in law. But, if you look at your first post, you gave no indication that you had such a SIL. I am sure there are many here that would have given you advise for dealing with such a person.

I have a very similar MIL. Honestly, she is a witch. I dread being around her because she doesn’t know how to act politely. In fact, due to numerous situations, we don’t speak to each other anymore. And we haven’t spoken in 5 years. As I said she is pretty much a witch:shrug:

So, no it is not unreasonable to want to keep information from such a person. BUT, you gave NO indication that you were dealing with such a person.

YOU simply indicated that your husband, your SIL and others were in effect playing a game of telephone with your pregnancy information.

And yes, I have many friends that I can talk to. They don’t spread rumors or tell tales out of school. In fact, if someone I knew did spread rumors about me, I wouldn’t be spending any time with them. And no, it wouldn’t mater who it was. (See, above information about my MIL.)

The thing is - to me personally, sharing your plans for the number and timing of children is in the same category as sharing information about your finances, details about your sex life, etc. To me, the topic of family planning goals is truly that personal. So I was simply making an analogy. Would you share such things as your bank statement or your sex life? No. So I would also not share my family planning goals the same way you would not share such things.

You’re right that I did not talk about my turbulent relationship with my sister-in-law in my original post. But I DID mention that my friend made the comment, “What, did your NFP not work?” which I think is a legitimate reason to be upset by the fact that my private business is going through the game of telephone. If my private information had not been divulged, such a comment would not have been made. Yes, people are going to talk about you and gossip and speculate regardless of what you do or do not tell them. But that’s no reason to give them more fuel for their fire unnecessarily. That’s one of the reasons I think it is important to keep such matters private.

I’m sorry if I came off as harsh. I’m just trying to get my point across.

 

[maryjk]

The thing is - to me personally, sharing your plans for the number and timing of children is in the same category as sharing information about your finances, details about your sex life, etc. To me, the topic of family planning goals is truly that personal. So I was simply making an analogy. Would you share such things as your bank statement or your sex life? No. So I would also not share my family planning goals the same way you would not share such things.

Which is why in my original post, I said that you and your husband need to be on the same page about what to share with whom.

Your problem, as stated in your OP, is more with the fact that your husband shared information that you wanted him to keep quiet, than with the fact that your SIL shared the information that she was given.

You can fix this problem by being on the same page.

You’re right that I did not talk about my turbulent relationship with my sister-in-law in my original post. But I DID mention that my friend made the comment, “What, did your NFP not work?” which I think is a legitimate reason to be upset by the fact that my private business is going through the game of telephone. If my private information had not been divulged, such a comment would not have been made. Yes, people are going to talk about you and gossip and speculate regardless of what you do or do not tell them. But that’s no reason to give them more fuel for their fire unnecessarily. That’s one of the reasons I think it is important to keep such matters private.

I’m sorry if I came off as harsh. I’m just trying to get my point across.

If your friend made that comment to you, in the manner in which you are indicating, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore, if I were you.

The problem between us is different experiences with different people. I share what you would consider personal information. But I don’t share it with people that gossip. And as I said, if people gossip with information that I give them, they won’t get information from me again. I simply don’t share with people that gossip about me. And neither does my husband.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I must say I am stunned by some of the posts on this thread!

If people want to discuss the intimate details of their lives, that is completely their prerogative, although I’d prefer tales of your water breaking not be shared over the dinner table. However, if this information is not shared voluntarily, ASKING about them is definitely extremely rude, no matter what the norms are in your family. The fact that I married your brother/son/nephew does not give you entree into my reproductive system, uterus and it’s contents or lack thereof.

It really doesn’t matter if you are related by blood or not; being family does not give you the right to demand information which does not impact your life. And the concept that the failure to include the members of your spouse’s family in your plans for pregnancy and family size means that you are somehow relegated to secondary status is especially sad. The idea that a sister has a right to know the intimate details of her DB’s marriage says a lot more about HER insecurity than it does the wife’s. There’s that whole “forsaking all others” thing.

When you plan to have children is a private matter and decision. Once you are pregnant, it’s pretty much public knowledge, so there probably no reason why asking the due date would be an intrusion. Similarity, saying “How are you feeling?” could be answered by a breezy “fine,” or a more extensive list of the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy and “How are you” is something we ask each other every day, so I don’t see why that would be prying. But extrapolating that these question are of the same degree of intrusion is not logical to me.

Forsaking all others is about adultery…anyway I’m going to leave this thread. We clearly don’t agree to the extreme and it’s difficult when in my head I’m talking about people who are my close friends and family who ask out of concern and in your head you are all talking about waters being broken at the dinner table and erectile dysfunctions. There is a huge difference!

If the OP is telling the truth about her sister in law then she sounds awful, but the OP didn’t mention this in her original post. Kind of ironic with the topic at hand? The NFP comment taken out of context does have a hint of rudeness, but could very easily be taken in a good way once you know the tone, context etc.

I wonder how her husband would feel his wife talking about their issue on an online forum? Talk about going from one extreme to the other! To me problems in the family should stay there and maybe in between close friends…not on an online site. The OP seems pretty certain with her way so I’m confused as to why she even asked the question…

 

[Ms_Manners]

I’ve never said that everything has to be shared. My comment was to someone that claimed that nothing should be shared. If I remember correctly, the poster said, “If I don’t expose that part of my body to you, you shouldn’t ask about it…”

I said that.
And I believe I also clarified how I feel about certain questions. A question about due date is okay after we announce the pregnancy and from the people we tell.
But see, the thing is that people who know I’m pregnant (some day), will also know about the due date, typically you announce that you’re pregnant and you are expecting the baby in January/May/October/whatever. So if they don’t know, there’s a good chance they didn’t hear it from me but through gossip. In that case, no, they should not be asking.
I have a small circle of people (I like it that way) and it’s not difficult to cover all of them, and it has been proven many times that those who are not in that circle usually only ask out of curiosity, not concern.

But I hate those questions from people who don’t know, who are guessing.
People have been asking me for a year and a half. I am married and I have a tummy, therefore I must be pregnant. No, I have just gained weight. Actually, I have gained weight after and partly because of some health complications. Which is doubly painful because I would love to have a child, but now is not the time, and not only do I not have a child, I do have a long-term health issue.
So I am actually tempted to say “No, I’m not pregnant, I’m sick” to some of those people, but I know they are fishing for gossip and they would love and unhappy piece instead of a happy one. (Like those who thought that was the reason that we were getting married and couldn’t wait to spread the word.)
I stick to the “No, I just gained some weight” version, but lately that has caused some people to tell me that “Yeah, now you’re married, you can let yourself go” or even to warn me that my husband might not like that or ask me how he feels about the extra weight.
So I think I will actually start telling people that it’s none of their business.

 

[Cat]

The OP’s question was “Privacy-am I overreacting?”

I’ve been following this thread for several days and I’ve read and thought about every post and even talked this over with my husband.

And my answer is, “Yes, the OP is overreacting.”

Human beings are naturally curious about each other. That’s one reason we read novels. A novel in which no private information about the characters is revealed would be pretty dull. We want to know everything about the character: their thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, sins, good works, etc. Above all else, we want to know “what’s going to happen next to the character!”

And that’s the way we are about each other, too, and even more so, because we are real, not just fictional characters in a pretend story.

I don’t think this is anything sinful or evil or even rude. It’s just the way humans are. In knowing each other, we know ourselves better. We are able to “place ourselves” in the spectrum of humanity.

The need for intimacy is one of the most basic human needs. There is the very deep intimacy between spouses, but there is also intimacy between other family members, between friends, between neighbors, between people who share your religion, between co-workers, and between strangers. We want to connect with others.

Certainly there are boundaries, and appropriateness, and politeness. But I think that the OP is expecting too much of regular human beings. She is pretty much a newly-wed, and I’m going to give her some advice: ease off on her husband.

As I said, it’s my opinion that she’s over-reacting on the privacy issue, and that most human beings are not so “inward” as she is, and so sensitive about subjects that most people consider “open”.

I think her husband will be confused and frustrated trying to figure out what it’s OK for him to share with his family and what is taboo. All his other family members will be chattering away about something, and he’ll think that’s it’s OK for him to talk about it, too, and then later his wife will broadside him and chew him out for “breaching privacy.”

Eventually he’ll stop being confused and frustrated, and just be angry. Even if his wife gives him a “list” of “taboo subjects,” I think he’ll have a hard time remembering “the list” and he’ll resent having to keep “a list” and getting in trouble whenever he talks about subjects that everyone else considers “casual” but his wife considers “private.”

This is the kind of thing that can definitely put a tension and eventually a rift between husband and wife, and rifts between husband and wife are not good, and can lead to an erosion and to breaking up of the marriage. It’s not the big things (adultery, etc.) that end most marriages–it’s these little things.

I would suggest that the OP try to bring herself to a point where she can recognize subjects that others, especially family, consider “casual” and chat about them without being upset. She’s married now. If she is that sensitive about privacy issues, she should have worked this out BEFORE she walked down the aisle.

JMO.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

OK, this thread has gotten way out of control and so I am going to bow out gracefully. I am also going to permanently leave CAF because I realize the internet is really not a place to discuss anything because it is too difficult to get one’s point across through written paragraphs and people (including me) get carried away with their passions and opinions.

I do need to clear some things up before I go:

First of all, I am not angry with my husband. We did not have an argument. I am not angry with him that he shared our family plans when he was directly asked because he was caught off guard and I probably would have done the same thing. Also, I hadn’t told him at that point that I didn’t want such information to be shared. So he did nothings wrong. We had a level-headed discussion about the fact that in the future, I would like for our family planning goals to be kept private and he agreed. So all is well.

What was bothering me was that I did not completely agree with him about the fact that family planning goals are something to be discussed with others. So I came on here to get opinions to see if I were completely off my rocker to think such things should be kept private. Evidently I am not the only one who thinks that way, so I got my question answered.

I misinterpreted some of the responses and thought people were saying anything and everything should be an open book for others to know about and discuss. I realize I was wrong and I apologize if I came off as harsh to maryjk or anyone else.

My relationship with my sister-in-law is not good, but it is also not as bad as I made it sound. She is not as bad as I made her sound. As I said, it is hard to get the point across through written media. So I’m not going to do it anymore.

As far as me discussing family matters in an internet forum, well, I thought that’s what it was for. That’s mostly what everyone does in this room - talk about problems in their family. And that’s why it’s anonymous. You can ask for advice, not mention your real name or anyone else’s real name and get help and answers. But, after the way things went with this thread, I don’t think I want to do it again.

I love my husband and, I am going to try very hard to not make things so difficult for him that he is driven away.

Can anyone tell me how to delete my account and all of these posts? Thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, this thread has gotten way out of control and so I am going to bow out gracefully. I am also going to permanently leave CAF because I realize the internet is really not a place to discuss anything because it is too difficult to get one’s point across through written paragraphs and people (including me) get carried away with their passions and opinions.

I do need to clear some things up before I go:

First of all, I am not angry with my husband. We did not have an argument. I am not angry with him that he shared our family plans when he was directly asked because he was caught off guard and I probably would have done the same thing. Also, I hadn’t told him at that point that I didn’t want such information to be shared. So he did nothings wrong. We had a level-headed discussion about the fact that in the future, I would like for our family planning goals to be kept private and he agreed. So all is well.

What was bothering me was that I did not completely agree with him about the fact that family planning goals are something to be discussed with others. So I came on here to get opinions to see if I were completely off my rocker to think such things should be kept private. Evidently I am not the only one who thinks that way, so I got my question answered.

I misinterpreted some of the responses and thought people were saying anything and everything should be an open book for others to know about and discuss. I realize I was wrong and I apologize if I came off as harsh to maryjk or anyone else.

My relationship with my sister-in-law is not good, but it is also not as bad as I made it sound. She is not as bad as I made her sound. As I said, it is hard to get the point across through written media. So I’m not going to do it anymore.

As far as me discussing family matters in an internet forum, well, I thought that’s what it was for. That’s mostly what everyone does in this room - talk about problems in their family. And that’s why it’s anonymous. You can ask for advice, not mention your real name or anyone else’s real name and get help and answers. But, after the way things went with this thread, I don’t think I want to do it again.

I love my husband and, I am going to try very hard to not make things so difficult for him that he is driven away.

Can anyone tell me how to delete my account and all of these posts? Thank you.

You could have the thread locked, but it has to be far more out of bounds than this one before it goes away. Most who find this isn’t their cup of tea simply stop coming, or they come and read but don’t log in.

 

[Cat]

OK, this thread has gotten way out of control and so I am going to bow out gracefully. I am also going to permanently leave CAF because I realize the internet is really not a place to discuss anything because it is too difficult to get one’s point across through written paragraphs and people (including me) get carried away with their passions and opinions.

I do need to clear some things up before I go:

First of all, I am not angry with my husband. We did not have an argument. I am not angry with him that he shared our family plans when he was directly asked because he was caught off guard and I probably would have done the same thing. Also, I hadn’t told him at that point that I didn’t want such information to be shared. So he did nothings wrong. We had a level-headed discussion about the fact that in the future, I would like for our family planning goals to be kept private and he agreed. So all is well.

What was bothering me was that I did not completely agree with him about the fact that family planning goals are something to be discussed with others. So I came on here to get opinions to see if I were completely off my rocker to think such things should be kept private. Evidently I am not the only one who thinks that way, so I got my question answered.

I misinterpreted some of the responses and thought people were saying anything and everything should be an open book for others to know about and discuss. I realize I was wrong and I apologize if I came off as harsh to maryjk or anyone else.

My relationship with my sister-in-law is not good, but it is also not as bad as I made it sound. She is not as bad as I made her sound. As I said, it is hard to get the point across through written media. So I’m not going to do it anymore.

As far as me discussing family matters in an internet forum, well, I thought that’s what it was for. That’s mostly what everyone does in this room - talk about problems in their family. And that’s why it’s anonymous. You can ask for advice, not mention your real name or anyone else’s real name and get help and answers. But, after the way things went with this thread, I don’t think I want to do it again.

I love my husband and, I am going to try very hard to not make things so difficult for him that he is driven away.

Can anyone tell me how to delete my account and all of these posts? Thank you.

I think you might be over-reacting on this, too. Maybe try taking a deep breath. You don’t need to leave a forum just because you feel upset and unsettled. Just stay away from the more personal threads for a while. Maybe check out the media section, and argue about actors or books for a while.

When you come to an internet forum with a question, you will find a spectrum of opinions, nd not everyone will agree with you. That’s the value of the internet forum, IMO.

I think it’s good that you are planning to try hard not to make things so difficult for your husband that he’s driven away. That’s a noble and admirable goal for any wife (and for any husband, too!). See, you learned something here. So did all of us. I had a very nice conversation with my hubby about this topic.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

I think you might be over-reacting on this, too. Maybe try taking a deep breath. You don’t need to leave a forum just because you feel upset and unsettled. Just stay away from the more personal threads for a while. Maybe check out the media section, and argue about actors or books for a while.

When you come to an internet forum with a question, you will find a spectrum of opinions, nd not everyone will agree with you. That’s the value of the internet forum, IMO.

I think it’s good that you are planning to try hard not to make things so difficult for your husband that he’s driven away. That’s a noble and admirable goal for any wife (and for any husband, too!). See, you learned something here. So did all of us. I had a very nice conversation with my hubby about this topic.

Thank you, Cat, but I’m done. I’m glad you had a good conversation with your husband and that everyone learned something. This is sort of the last straw for me personally after many negative experiences on here. People come on here asking for help and support, and they just get blasted with judgment and feel worse than they did when they first got here when it’s supposed to be a Christian environment. I’ve admit I’ve done it to others and I’m sorry. I’ve had it done to me and have seen it done to other people, and I’ve had enough. I’m leaving so I have no temptation to do it again and won’t have it happen to me again and so I stop wasting time in front of a computer screen when I should be making trustworthy friends in real life. Thank you for your comment, though.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thank you, Cat, but I’m done. I’m glad you had a good conversation with your husband and that everyone learned something. This is sort of the last straw for me personally after many negative experiences on here. People come on here asking for help and support, and they just get blasted with judgment and feel worse than they did when they first got here when it’s supposed to be a Christian environment. I’ve admit I’ve done it to others and I’m sorry. I’ve had it done to me and have seen it done to other people, and I’ve had enough. I’m leaving so I have no temptation to do it again and won’t have it happen to me again and so I stop wasting time in front of a computer screen when I should be making trustworthy friends in real life. Thank you for your comment, though.

LilyRose, I’ve followed the thread but haven’t contributed so far, but its a shame to leave a situation of any sort with a lingering hurt. You seem to be a person with high standards and that is good, but you might need to lower your expectations of the role of an internet site like this. Most sites that have free and unrestricted membership will be hugely diverse in opinion. There are other sites that offer trained counsellors or other professionals with advice to which you have a right to expect a high degree of understanding and professionalism, but on these public boards, we don’t tend to use professional objectivity in addressing each others problems.

You could do as someone else suggested and just ‘play’ for a little while on the lighter sections of the forum to readjust your spirits, but I really hope you don’t take it all so personally that you leave. As we get older and especially when the kids begin to blossom into adults, you find that in dealing with other people and our kids that we can always maintain our high standards, but still have realistic expectations of others. That’s the dynamic that makes a person a truly exemplary witness for others. This situation here doesn’t warrant us taking anything too personally.

God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you might be over-reacting on this, too.

FWIW, I don’t think she is over-reacting in either case. She knows her own boundaries, and while they are not universal, neither are they at all unreasonable. If the forum does not help her, there is no reason she ought to come here for advice. Surely we all choose different friends and different avenues when we need advice or support. This one has some things to speak for it, but plenty that speak against it, too. It may not be comfortable for us to hear it when someone says so, but it is hardly an over-reaction to think so.

Maybe we ought to let her worry about her reaction (since she was not asking for an opinion, but just stating her intended course of action), ask ourselves if the expectations we have for ourselves are high enough in light of her feedback, make whatever amends need to be made, if any, and then let the matter and the OP go in peace?

 

[Shae]

LilyRose, I’ve followed the thread but haven’t contributed so far, but its a shame to leave a situation of any sort with a lingering hurt. You seem to be a person with high standards and that is good, but you might need to lower your expectations of the role of an internet site like this. Most sites that have free and unrestricted membership will be hugely diverse in opinion. There are other sites that offer trained counsellors or other professionals with advice to which you have a right to expect a high degree of understanding and professionalism, but on these public boards, we don’t tend to use professional objectivity in addressing each others problems.

You could do as someone else suggested and just ‘play’ for a little while on the lighter sections of the forum to readjust your spirits, but I really hope you don’t take it all so personally that you leave. As we get older and especially when the kids begin to blossom into adults, you find that in dealing with other people and our kids that we can always maintain our high standards, but still have realistic expectations of others. That’s the dynamic that makes a person a truly exemplary witness for others. This situation here doesn’t warrant us taking anything too personally.

God bless.

I agree wholeheartedly with your post, perfectly said:thumbsup: