Privacy - am I overreacting?

[Mayita30]

When are you going to have children ? ----- Whenever the Lord wants.
How many children do you want to have?----- All the children the Lord will bless us with
What are your plans for… ------ depends on whatever opportunity or blessing that will come

 

[Ms_Manners]

1.) Sister-in-law was directly asking about something that wasn’t her business.
2.) Sister-in-law told someone else about it and exaggerated it (“maybe a year or less” became “a year or two,” as usually happens when things get passed from one person to another)

If they aren’t used to your level of privacy, this is not out of line for them. Unless they were aware of your preferences concerning this, I don’t think you can really blame them, this is just normal for them.

3.) Our son is viewed by others as an “accident” and a testimony to people’s opinions about how NFP does not work as well as contraception does (friend and sister-in-law think contraception is morally acceptable).

You’ll have to learn to move on from this one or it will drive you crazy.

I would like us to have a polite but vague response prepared, such as “Well, we are thinking about it…we’ll see how things go.”

This may not be the best answer.
Some people will interpret it as “we’re working on it” and you will only end up with more questions later on, they will want to know if you are still thinking about it or have moved on to actions, as well as advice and opinions.
Maybe it would be better to come up with a way to let them know that you don’t want to discuss it.

He said he respects my opinion and can see my point of view, and that he will give the polite but vague response we talked about if anyone questions him in the future. So, there’s really no issue.

This is the most important part.

I guess I am still just annoyed that he thinks all of this is okay. Am I wrong? Am I overreacting about it? I’d just like opinions. Thanks.

I am the same as you.
I don’t like sharing as much as my in-laws and my husband are used to. They share everything. And I mean everything. From everyday digestion stuff to very private couple-only information.
During the holidays I went with them to visit some relatives of theirs. It was the first time we met, ever. They freely discussed their daughter’s fertility issues and IVF procedures. At the dinner table. She wasn’t even there. I was horrified, to say the least.
I know the details of all childbirths in the family. I never asked, not once, they just shared on their own. We weren’t even discussing childbirth itself, usually just birthdays and somehow they got from “what would he like” to giving birth.
I see the same pattern forming around me/us. If we postpone some family lunch because I am not feeling well, they want to know what, how, why, all the little details I would rather keep to myself. The simple “she’s not feeling well” just doesn’t work for them.
Finances were also a big part of this. When he was living with his parents, everyone opened all mail that came and no one gave it a second thought. It still happens that bank statements or bills are sent to his old address, their house, and it really bothered me, and we are still working on them remembering to forward it without opening. This one is more difficult, because they just don’t look at the envelope, they open it and then see that what is inside isn’t theirs.

My husband and I talked about this and agreed on a privacy level concerning information of our own, so we are on the same page. Now we have info that is ours, mine and his.
For example he does not share things that concern us as a couple or my stuff, but he will still talk about health issues I would definitely not be comfortable with. If it’s just about him and he wants to share those things, it’s his choice to do so, as much as I might not get it.

 

[Cat]

Maybe I can give another perspective because I am not private but know people who are. Here’s an example: If I have a health scare, I tell close friends and family so that they can keep me in their prayers, give me advice, and they will know that I may be calling on them for support. I have relatives who are very private and do NOT share health information. Being a non-private person, for a little bit, after I found out, I was hurt. Why would they be so private? I could have been praying for them! Cooking them meals! Don’t they know that I CARE and would WANT to know?

I’ve had to accept that for some reason I can’t understand, they don’t share it, and they walk through those times without extended family support.

To liken that to your situation, I’d bet your sister-in-law sees the addition of another loved one to the extended family as a joy to which to look forward, and therefore totally within the realm of reasonable curiosity, care, interest. I don’t think it’s nosy, inappropriate, and certainly not uncommon, but if the relationship with the sister-in-law is unsteady (like, if she is domineering or ill-willed) then I can see your not wanting to tell her.

Trials like this will really solidify your marriage, and help you to become one, as long as you both introspect to the true issues and communicate, being soft and open to one another. I know that with time, and growing in closeness, this sort of question will seem more like a gnat than a bee.

I’m just thinking, without the friend making the NFP comment, do you think this would have been as upsetting?

All the best.

I think this makes a lot of sense.

When you marry someone, you marry the entire family.

These people asking the “personal questions” aren’t strangers, they’re FAMILY! They aren’t asking to be nosy, but because they are trying to get to know you and grow closer to you. They’re YOUR sisters, cousins, aunts, etc. They are trying to learn to love you, not pry.

If you choose to be a “private” or “closed-off” person, that’s OK, but be prepared to take the consequences over the decades. You will (hopefully) be included in family events, but in all likelihood, the family will be friendly but cool around you, as they are afraid of offending you. You’ll sit quietly off by yourself while the rest of the family is yakking it up and having a grand old time. You may feel excluded from inside family jokes, traditions, events, etc., and feel “left out” a lot, but it’s your own fault, not theirs. If they try and get rebuffed, they will probably back away.

And finally, as you grow older (I’m 56, and I’ve been married to my husband for 34 years), I think you will regret not opening up to the dear people that comprise your husband’s…and now YOUR family. As all of you age and experience triumphs and tragedies, you will see that family intimacy is a source of great joy in happy times and comfort in sad times.

I think you need to think deeply about your relationship with your husband’s family, which is now YOUR family. And if you want to be “private,” that’s absolutely fine, but YOU tell them all about it and explain your feelings. Don’t make your husband communicate with them for you. YOU tell them, in a friendly, open-hearted, compassionate, and if possible, funny way. Humor can really make a smoother pathway when it comes to relationships. If you make your husband tell them, it makes you look unfriendly and antagonistic.

Make sure that they realize that even though you would rather not share personal information about yourself, you are extremely interested in their lives and love hearing them talk and laugh together and LOVE being with them and doing things with them (family parties, meals, excursions, chore-parties and projects, baby showers, etc.). Make sure that they realize that you WANT to be included and you are GLAD to be part of the family and look forward to many years of family fellowship.

I hope this gives you a different perspective and some things to ponder. It all goes by so fast. Don’t keep your family at arms’ length. Embrace them.

 

[Ms_Manners]

And finally, as you grow older (I’m 56, and I’ve been married to my husband for 34 years), I think you will regret not opening up to the dear people that comprise your husband’s…and now YOUR family.

For me, the privacy level also applies to my own family.

 

[maryjk]

For me, the privacy level also applies to my own family.

I am simply quoting your post because it seemed to really lay down the law. Many others have indicated similar feelings. (Although your post as been edited to exclude the main point. )

So, I have a question for those of you that feel it is improper to talk about these “private” matters.

Did you feel the same way when you were pregnant? Did you get upset if someone asked about your due date, how you were feeling or even if someone simply congratulated you? Were people suppose to ignore the obvious signs that you were having a baby? Did you allow people to give you a baby shower? Did you talk about the baby?

Or was everything hush hush until the baby was born?

 

[Lorelei12]

I am simply quoting your post because it seemed to really lay down the law. Many others have indicated similar feelings. (Although your post as been edited to exclude the main point. )

So, I have a question for those of you that feel it is improper to talk about these “private” matters.

Did you feel the same way when you were pregnant? Did you get upset if someone asked about your due date, how you were feeling or even if someone simply congratulated you? Were people suppose to ignore the obvious signs that you were having a baby? Did you allow people to give you a baby shower? Did you talk about the baby?

Or was everything hush hush until the baby was born?

I am a private person, but I wouldn’t say that I consider it"improper" to talk about having children. If someone else wants to share all their babymaking plans, I think it’s a little weird but I don’t really care. I personally, however, prefer not to answer questions about it because I find it to be something that belongs between myself and my husband. In our families, sharing too much typically leads to lots more questions. So I find it easier to respond to any inquiries about having kids vague and short. I don’t feel that I should have to answer questions about our financial situation or whether we have enough money to have kids, or my medical issues, because someone always has an opinion about things like that. I don’t need to hear about what other people think about a decision that is not theirs to make and about which they don’t have all the information anyway.

I can’t answer your other questions because I am not a parent yet, but if I were to become pregnant I wouldn’t mind any of the questions you mentioned. It’s the process that I don’t care to share about. Especially now that we are having some trouble, it pains me a bit to have people ask me why we don’t have children yet. Other people will have other reasons to want to keep things private. The fact that I have been vague and dismissive (I’m still polite, though) has kept the questions to a minimum because most people have learned that I’d prefer not to talk about it.

Also- I am the same way with my own family as I am with my husband’s. I don’t share anything related to our situation with anyone, including my own mother. I also would never ask anyone “so when are you going to have kids” either, because I don’t feel that it’s any of my business, and I most especially wouldn’t want to inadvertently upset anyone who was having fertility issues. It’s something I see as being between a husband and wife and God, and if they choose to share it’s their business, but if they don’t share, there’s no need to pry.

 

[Xantippe]

maryjk said:

“Did you feel the same way when you were pregnant? Did you get upset if someone asked about your due date, how you were feeling or even if someone simply congratulated you? Were people suppose to ignore the obvious signs that you were having a baby? Did you allow people to give you a baby shower? Did you talk about the baby?”

Well, when I was a newlywed, I had a number of people (particularly in-laws) assume I was pregnant when I was just chubby.

With our first couple babies, I think we did almost immediate announcements. Then, years later, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks that I found out about at my 14 week appointment, just before I was about to tell the world (I had already just told a couple of email buddies). With my last pregnancy (which was successful), I think we only did the general announcements at 15 weeks, which was when some complications appeared that required explanation. Also, I did not want to tell any of our social circle before our big kids, as I didn’t want the big kids (who were 9 and 7) to accidentally hear first from some adult dropping a word–as a kid, I had that sort of thing happen to me a couple of times, and it was not a good feeling. With the last one, I had an exterminator accidentally let the cat out the bag, as I’d mentioned my pregnancy to the pest company when making the initial call. It was only mere chance that the kids’ weren’t in earshot. The kids knew about the previous miscarriage, so I wanted to spare them unnecessary worry–as it was, they were quite worried at times.

Once I’ve announced a pregnancy, I am more than happy to talk baby stuff, although given my age and obstetrical history, at this point, I don’t get ahead of myself. With my last pregnancy, I didn’t buy anything until pretty much the last minute, I delayed my baby shower pretty much as late as it could go, and I wasn’t comfortable talking publicly about baby names until pretty late.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I am simply quoting your post because it seemed to really lay down the law. Many others have indicated similar feelings. (Although your post as been edited to exclude the main point. )

I’m sorry, I deleted that sentence because I realized it was just the tip of the iceberg.
I said if it is indecent for someone to see a part of my body, it is indecent to ask about it.
But actually I prefer not to discuss health issues and bodily functions at all, unless it is something extremely benign and general.

Did you feel the same way when you were pregnant? Did you get upset if someone asked about your due date, how you were feeling or even if someone simply congratulated you? Were people suppose to ignore the obvious signs that you were having a baby? Did you allow people to give you a baby shower? Did you talk about the baby?

Or was everything hush hush until the baby was born?

I don’t have any children yet, but I’ll try to answer this, based on pregnancies of people I know and my opinion on the comments they heard.
I don’t like questions about our plans, whens, hows and whys, because they go into private stuff that is nobody’s business and then sharing of other people’s private stuff that I don’t want to know. Are you healthy? Do you have this or that, how does this or that feel (usually extremely private activities), do you do this or that, do this, don’t do that…
I wouldn’t be upset if asked about the due date or congratulations, after we announced the pregnancy. Celebrations like baby showers would be fine, although I am uncomfortable in such situations.
But the other side of that… How did you get pregnant? (Yes, these are the IVF times and people actually do ask that.) I’d prefer not to go into graphic details of exams (commonly exchanged and discussed), morning sickness, private organs (yes, I have heard people asking about changes in private parts), and I especially dread everyone asking about our plans for and knowing the details of childbirth even before I’m home from the hospital (which has become very common), and then everyone feeling like it is perfectly acceptable to ask about various aspects of recovery (again with the private parts and intimacy between husband and wife). Of course, all those details spread like wildfire with announcements of a new baby in the family. That is the indecent part I was talking about.
Like I already said, I know the details of childbirths of most people around me, and I don’t want to know. I don’t like my mother-in-law talking about it over lunch, I don’t like my husband’s cousin talking about it over birthday cake, with her teenage son right there, and I am already tired of the questions I know we will get when I give birth.
My husband knows that I will want to stick with “mother and child are fine, it is a baby boy/girl” statement. We can discuss what the baby looks like and what the name is, but I think that should be enough.

 

[EasterJoy]

…But the other side of that… How did you get pregnant? (Yes, these are the IVF times and people actually do ask that.) I’d prefer not to go into graphic details…
My husband knows that I will want to stick with “mother and child are fine, it is a baby boy/girl” statement. We can discuss what the baby looks like and what the name is, but I think that should be enough.

It seems I remember Judith Martin saying that the appropriate response to the kind of questions you’re describing is to put on a shocked look and reply: “I beg your pardon?!?”

I agree with her. The value of privacy is being shoved by the wayside. I have given a response like that, and although a few people seem not to understand what could possibly be the source of my shock, most have not needed to have a picture drawn up. Once they get the point, you pointedly change the subject, and that is that.

The more who remind the general public that some people still have a decent sense of propriety, the better. Sparing embarrassment to those who have forgotten what propriety means is not the burden of a lady.

The other value in being private, of course, is that when you decide to keep an actual secret the entire world does not know you’re doing it. If you blabber incessantly about every detail of your life, a moment of silence will give away your possession of a juicy one that you’d rather not disclose.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

The more who remind the general public that some people still have a decent sense of propriety, the better. Sparing embarrassment to those who have forgotten what propriety means is not the burden of a lady.

To be perfectly honest I find that a little harsh towards those who are more open. Your articulation of the sentence suggests you have taken the position that propriety is the only right position and that those who are open are in the wrong. That is absolutely not the case.

It would be like me saying, the more who remind the general public that being overly private to the point of extreme creates an isolated, non caring, non interested selfish recluse. This of course is not the case I’m just playing with words to state a point.

People have to remember that there is a huge spectrum of opinions…people who will talk about everything to people like yourselves who clearly don’t have anything to talk about (how boring)

There will be people like myself, there are certain things I do keep private…sex life for example, money matters (mostly…unless it’s a VERY close friend and I want some advice) etc etc. health issues I’m a bit more open with work colleagues, because they are healthcare professionals and could be helpful. We usually start a sentence “with how much is too much info” to check, but the things we talk about over lunch would put most people off so there are a lot of factors at play. A lot depends on the people, the topic, how close you are etc etc so to make it so black and white is a bit ridiculous!

 

[maryjk]

There will be people like myself, there are certain things I do keep private…sex life for example, money matters (mostly…unless it’s a VERY close friend and I want some advice) etc etc. health issues I’m a bit more open with work colleagues, because they are healthcare professionals and could be helpful. We usually start a sentence “with how much is too much info” to check, but the things we talk about over lunch would put most people off so there are a lot of factors at play. A lot depends on the people, the topic, how close you are etc etc so to make it so black and white is a bit ridiculous!

I agree.

I couldn’t imagine not telling anyone about anything.

Well, other than, it was a boy and mom is fine.

Sharing our experiences with loved ones might help them when they go through the same thing.

Now, I am not talking about horror stories. But real, normal events.

Yep, if you are pregnant, your water is going to break. It may happen at home, at the grocery store or at the hospital. But everyone knows it is going to happen, even if you never talk about it.

People seem to think that back in the good ole days, people didn’t talk about such things. But they did. In fact, you learned all about being pregnant and having a baby from your female relatives. Breastfeeding wasn’t done in the back room. Nope, it was right out in front of, again, your female relatives. They showed you how to care for your baby *and *yourself. Most times, if you go back far enough, the doctor only came to your house for the birth, *if there was something wrong. *

Now, it seems that co-workers, church friends and neighbors have taken the place of female relatives. But when I think about it, I’m not surprised. My own mother is gone. My sister lives 1000 miles away. And the closest female relative is 800 miles away. If I have questions or need help, who else is going to talk to me?

 

[EasterJoy]

To be perfectly honest I find that a little harsh towards those who are more open. Your articulation of the sentence suggests you have taken the position that propriety is the only right position and that those who are open are in the wrong. That is absolutely not the case.

It would be like me saying, the more who remind the general public that being overly private to the point of extreme creates an isolated, non caring, non interested selfish recluse. This of course is not the case I’m just playing with words to state a point.

People have to remember that there is a huge spectrum of opinions…people who will talk about everything to people like yourselves who clearly don’t have anything to talk about (how boring)

There will be people like myself, there are certain things I do keep private…sex life for example, money matters (mostly…unless it’s a VERY close friend and I want some advice) etc etc. health issues I’m a bit more open with work colleagues, because they are healthcare professionals and could be helpful. We usually start a sentence “with how much is too much info” to check, but the things we talk about over lunch would put most people off so there are a lot of factors at play. A lot depends on the people, the topic, how close you are etc etc so to make it so black and white is a bit ridiculous!

Let me clarify: Friends and relatives ought to feel as free to share as much as they like. A friend who is willing to let others talk about their lives and share what they want to share without the listener shrinking from the details of the truth and yet avoiding any prying into details not shared in order to satisfy their own curiosity are pure gold. If they offer their own wisdom merely as a thought to consider and then to use or not use without offense to the one who offers the thought, even more so! I assume those are the ones you mean: those who can hear the things that their friends and loved ones need to share with discretion and without judgment, who can be a sounding board and reassure the speaker that he or she is competent to run her own life’s difficulties, who can be a source of support and comfort, who can hear the joys and difficulties of life and make the good better and the worse more bearable, and who can be trusted as a matter of course to respect those areas not being disclosed. Oh, yes, these people are a joy! Once found, such people should be regarded as the treasures that they are!

No, it is the idle questioners I am black and white about, the ones who do not bother to find out whether or not others are inclined to be open or not, the ones who pry in order to satisfy their curiosity and who expect their opinions to be followed by all those who hear, the ones who want “news” for their gossip mills, where juicy details about others are the coin of the realm. They just start firing away with the personal inquiries as if prying into these things is as unoffensive as talking about the weather or the box scores from the sports pages. Then, having heard the particulars their victims have to offer up, they hold forth with unsolicited advice and take offense when it is not appreciated. As in the OP’s case, the victim is not left alone with this initial assault. Oh, no! She can be sure that her words will come back to her, not only twisted and falsified, but with an unflattering interpretation put on the top as a sauce. That is how a new mother welcoming her first child gets to hear some dolt say of that most happy event: “What, did your NFP not work?” In polite society, that interchange never happens, that is what I mean!

That is what I mean by saying, “The value of privacy is being shoved by the wayside.” I do not mean that there is a thing wrong with having friends with whom intimate details can be shared without these same friends believing they have carte blanche to wade in like investigative reporters. No, I mean that people expect “openness” from others not so that they may serve by listening, but for their own idle entertainment. The more this attitude is discouraged, the better.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Let me clarify: Friends and relatives ought to feel as free to share as much as they like. A friend who is willing to let others talk about their lives and share what they want to share without the listener shrinking from the details of the truth and yet avoiding any prying into details not shared in order to satisfy their own curiosity are pure gold. If they offer their own wisdom merely as a thought to consider and then to use or not use without offense to the one who offers the thought, even more so! I assume those are the ones you mean: those who can hear the things that their friends and loved ones need to share with discretion and without judgment, who can be a sounding board and reassure the speaker that he or she is competent to run her own life’s difficulties, who can be a source of support and comfort, who can hear the joys and difficulties of life and make the good better and the worse more bearable, and who can be trusted as a matter of course to respect those areas not being disclosed. Oh, yes, these people are a joy! Once found, such people should be regarded as the treasures that they are!

No, it is the idle questioners I am black and white about, the ones who do not bother to find out whether or not others are inclined to be open or not, the ones who pry in order to satisfy their curiosity and who expect their opinions to be followed by all those who hear, the ones who want “news” for their gossip mills, where juicy details about others are the coin of the realm. They just start firing away with the personal inquiries as if prying into these things is as unoffensive as talking about the weather or the box scores from the sports pages. Then, having heard the particulars their victims have to offer up, they hold forth with unsolicited advice and take offense when it is not appreciated. As in the OP’s case, the victim is not left alone with this initial assault. Oh, no! She can be sure that her words will come back to her, not only twisted and falsified, but with an unflattering interpretation put on the top as a sauce. That is how a new mother welcoming her first child gets to hear some dolt say of that most happy event: “What, did your NFP not work?” In polite society, that interchange never happens, that is what I mean!

That is what I mean by saying, “The value of privacy is being shoved by the wayside.” I do not mean that there is a thing wrong with having friends with whom intimate details can be shared without these same friends believing they have carte blanche to wade in like investigative reporters. No, I mean that people expect “openness” from others not so that they may serve by listening, but for their own idle entertainment. The more this attitude is discouraged, the better.

I understand your point but I am not sure if you have forgotten that the OP was referring to her husbands SISTER, a FAMILY member, someone who is likely to be concerned for her brother and likes to know things are going smoothly for them. I know I will be the same when my brother is older and with a family of his own. We have always been close and a marriage shouldn’t change this. My husband has two pens…one from me and one from his sister…he says they are precious as they are from his favourite girls. The OP sounds like the sort of oerson who would be offended at such a statement as expecting her husbands affections to be completely and solely on her. I love the fact that my husband is so close to his sister. He can tell her anything about us as a couple or himself. Maybe the whole year or two thing was just a misunderstanding. Saying a year or less is a bit of an off way of saying it anyway…most would say within the next year…so people who aren’t listening effectively could have assumed it was a year or two. Bringing more children into the family is a happy time…my SIL is currently a week overdue and we are all so excited to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. What’s wrong with family wanting to share in this joy and know if and when they will get little nieces and nephews. My brother asked because he has already decided what he wants to be called by any future children I have. It’s a normal family and close friends conversation to have…

I think a lot of this stems from insecurity…and it’s a shame. For example, I would like 3-5children however things could go wrong, I may be told this could change…if it does, it does. If people then want to gossip about it and say “oh she failed, how awful blah blah blah” that’s up to them. I’ll be happily continuing my life with my husband and any children we do have. What other people say is none of my business and I really don’t care about childish gossip. Some people are genuine, some people are just interested, some people want to gossip and tell the world. I couldn’t care less…I live my life how I want to, I know the truth, God knows the truth…if people want to speculate and make up stories…let them! It’s none if my huskiness and I definitely wouldn’t let it impact on my life or how I live it.

I will be happy and free…not bound by worries of others feelings and takings.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I understand your point but I am not sure if you have forgotten that the OP was referring to her husbands SISTER, a FAMILY member, someone who is likely to be concerned for her brother and likes to know things are going smoothly for them.

Concern is expressed in a different way and the cause for it is not spread around like gossip.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

I agree.

I couldn’t imagine not telling anyone about anything.

Well, other than, it was a boy and mom is fine.

Sharing our experiences with loved ones might help them when they go through the same thing.

Now, I am not talking about horror stories. But real, normal events.

Yep, if you are pregnant, your water is going to break. It may happen at home, at the grocery store or at the hospital. But everyone knows it is going to happen, even if you never talk about it.

People seem to think that back in the good ole days, people didn’t talk about such things. But they did. In fact, you learned all about being pregnant and having a baby from your female relatives. Breastfeeding wasn’t done in the back room. Nope, it was right out in front of, again, your female relatives. They showed you how to care for your baby *and *yourself. Most times, if you go back far enough, the doctor only came to your house for the birth, *if there was something wrong. *

Now, it seems that co-workers, church friends and neighbors have taken the place of female relatives. But when I think about it, I’m not surprised. My own mother is gone. My sister lives 1000 miles away. And the closest female relative is 800 miles away. If I have questions or need help, who else is going to talk to me?

I don’t think anyone is saying that EVERYTHING should be private. Of course you are not going to go out of your way to hide that you are pregnant when you obviously are. Many people choose to share baby names, and that’s great. And there are certainly good reasons for sharing medical issues. I didn’t start this thread to blast people who are okay with sharing things such as the number and timing of their children. After the conversation with my husband, I just felt like I was completely off my rocker to think such things should be kept private and just wanted to see if there was anyone out there who also liked to keep such things private.

I am curious, though, Mary, do you think that anything and everything is fair game to be shared with everyone? Is it appropriate for a married couple to discuss the specifics of the frequency and details of their marital relations at the dinner table with all of their friends and loved ones? Does Uncle John Doe need to tell everyone he knows that he has erectile dysfunction and can’t “perform” for Aunt Jane Doe? Sure, he might share with one or two relatives who might be able to help, but does it need to be BROADCASTED and shared with EVERYONE? Must each family member and friend make copies of their bank statement and hand it out so everyone is in the loop? Do you think there is any benefit in keeping such things private? If people want to share such things, more power to them. But I do not think people, such as myself and the other posters on here who have said they are also private, should be viewed as being unreasonable for wanting to keep certain things private for certain reasons.

You also need to consider the context of the situation. It is great that you seem to have a network of church friends and neighbors who are kind to you. If I had such a network, I might be more inclined to share things. But I do not have such a network. In the context of this particular situation, the friend that my sister-in-law passed the information along to was laughing at us, making rude comments, and criticizing our religious beliefs about NFP. My sister-in-law is someone who has never been spectacularly kind to me, ever since my husband first introduced me to his family. Anytime I tried to reach out to her, she did little to reciprocate my efforts to establishing a familial relationship. I won’t go into too much detail, but she basically advised my husband to protect himself from me because there was a chance I might divorce him (there was NO evidence to suggest that I would someday divorce him). After the wedding, I had a hard time being around her because I felt so intimidated. When my husband and I told her what we planned to name our baby, she basically told us we were crazy to want to name him that and we should be naming him something else. I felt very hurt because the name we had chosen was very special and important to me. Do you think it is unreasonable then, Mary, to not want to share things with this particular relative?

All I’m saying is…if people want to share everything about themselves, that’s fine. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable or strange for people to want to keep certain things private.

 

[EasterJoy]

I understand your point but I am not sure if you have forgotten that the OP was referring to her husbands SISTER, a FAMILY member, someone who is likely to be concerned for her brother and likes to know things are going smoothly for them. I know I will be the same when my brother is older and with a family of his own. We have always been close and a marriage shouldn’t change this. My husband has two pens…one from me and one from his sister…he says they are precious as they are from his favourite girls. The OP sounds like the sort of oerson who would be offended at such a statement as expecting her husbands affections to be completely and solely on her. I love the fact that my husband is so close to his sister. He can tell her anything about us as a couple or himself. Maybe the whole year or two thing was just a misunderstanding. Saying a year or less is a bit of an off way of saying it anyway…most would say within the next year…so people who aren’t listening effectively could have assumed it was a year or two. Bringing more children into the family is a happy time…my SIL is currently a week overdue and we are all so excited to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. What’s wrong with family wanting to share in this joy and know if and when they will get little nieces and nephews. My brother asked because he has already decided what he wants to be called by any future children I have. It’s a normal family and close friends conversation to have…

I think a lot of this stems from insecurity…and it’s a shame. For example, I would like 3-5children however things could go wrong, I may be told this could change…if it does, it does. If people then want to gossip about it and say “oh she failed, how awful blah blah blah” that’s up to them. I’ll be happily continuing my life with my husband and any children we do have. What other people say is none of my business and I really don’t care about childish gossip. Some people are genuine, some people are just interested, some people want to gossip and tell the world. I couldn’t care less…I live my life how I want to, I know the truth, God knows the truth…if people want to speculate and make up stories…let them! It’s none if my huskiness and I definitely wouldn’t let it impact on my life or how I live it.

I will be happy and free…not bound by worries of others feelings and takings.

No, it is not a shame to have a sense of privacy, and a sense of privacy does not necessarily stem from insecurity. Where would you get an idea like that? From the people who say it is “healthy” to tell the whole world your business? Honestly, it is just as likely that the need to spread one’s intimate details around for public validation stems from insecurity, since it can be done because the person doesn’t feel secure about running their own life without soliciting positive feedback from every Tom, Dick and Francis in their social circle. (I am not saying that people who share are usually insecure, but only that both disclosing freely and deciding not to disclose can stem from insecurity.)

It sounds to me as if the OP can be very secure in the knowledge that if she shares information with her SIL, it is not going to be held in discretion. Who needs that? What possible good is accomplished by encouraging people who are tempted to indulge in gossip that results in comments such as the OP was subjected to? If the OP’s SIL cannot keep such things to herself, then telling her is not the same as telling family. It is tantamount to telling the world. I will concede this: It would not be a bad idea to let the SIL know that the information had come back twisted and with an unflattering opinion poured on top, lest the SIL’s only fault was in believing someone to be discrete when the person was no such thing. Her fault might be mended by cutting just that one person off of her list of “Those Who can be Trusted to be Discrete”. If I found that to be the case, then I would not be so hard on her.

IOW, I did not forget that the person who saw fit to pass on private information that she obtained by the use of prying questions was a family member, no. I am happy to listen if my family wants to talk about the intimate details of their lives, but I would not be so bold to ask when they plan to have a child, let alone so indiscrete as to tell a third party when it wasn’t very clear that the information was passed on for public consumption (such as the couple volunteering it to a crowd, a la Connie Chung.) If I did what the OP’s SIL did, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be kept “out of the loop” when there was sensitive information to be shared later on down the road.

If you want to make the details of your life a topic of discussion and debate for idle gossips, I suppose that is your affair. Keep in mind, however, that gossip of the sort that tempts towards rash judgment, calumny, or detraction is a near occasion of sin, objectively speaking. It is worthwhile to discourage it. If you know that certain persons make bad use of what would otherwise be innocent information, take that into account. Otherwise, do as you will. If others make bad use of innocent information you supply in keeping with common sense and normal good manners, their choice is not on your head. That is very true, and deciding to be free with one’s personal information is no sin.

 

[EasterJoy]

All I’m saying is…if people want to share everything about themselves, that’s fine. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable or strange for people to want to keep certain things private.

I don’t think it is unreasonable for people to keep anything they please about themselves private. When another person chooses us to listen to a personal disclosure, it is a privilege. We have no right to stick our noses into the affairs of others.

No one is entitled to know our private information, save a spouse with whom one shares a single life and a confessor, and he only because he acts in the person of Christ. Besides, the priest has a sacred duty to refrain from passing on anything he learns in confession. As for a spouse, if we did not make discretion a prized quality when we chose him or her, we get to live with that. A married couple cannot be much more private than the least private of the two spouses.

When we agree to listen to a personal disclosure, we take on the responsibility to be sensitive and discrete. This is no more than the operation of the Golden Rule. While it is not very wise to share our details and then to expect others to be more careful with that information than we have been, we do have a right to expect discretion, too. That may not be a realistic thing to expect, we cannot judge others for being no weaker than we have been ourselves, but we are not wrong to expect discretion in those we choose as our confidants. That is just part and parcel with providing a friendship that includes a safe place for vulnerable honesty.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

No, it is not a shame to have a sense of privacy, and a sense of privacy does not necessarily stem from insecurity. Where would you get an idea like that? From the people who say it is “healthy” to tell the whole world your business? Honestly, it is just as likely that the need to spread one’s intimate details around for public validation stems from insecurity, since it can be done because the person doesn’t feel secure about running their own life without soliciting positive feedback from every Tom, Dick and Francis in their social circle. (I am not saying that people who share are usually insecure, but only that both disclosing freely and deciding not to disclose can stem from insecurity.)

I didn’t say a sense of privacy was a shame, I said if it stemmed from insecurity it was a shame - there is a huge difference. Someone, it may have been the OP mentioned they worry too much about what other people think.

I think people are going slightly over the top, the OP wasn’t about the whole world and intimate details such as sex life, positions, erectile dysfunctions or finance. It was about the timing of children to a sister of her husband. I’ve already stated I personally wouldn’t tell everyone everything, but I’m certainly not as private as you guys seem to be…and sorry but you did make it sound like EVERYTHING was off the table for others even family members. I don’t deliberately tell my info to gossips, but if people start talking, I’m not going to worry about it…you mentioned innocent information? What on earth are you on about now? Why would I tell people something that wasn’t innocent? If I genuinely want to tell my family and friends something and as I have said before it’s different depending on who they are and where I know them from…whats not innocent about that?

I’m sorry I don’t understand your views on this…

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Maybe the problem is I have a group of friends that I trust…we know the boundaries of sensitive information and if people tell me something, I don’t tell other people and visa versa.

I just don’t think timing and numbers of children is entirely sensitive…but that’s what you get from working in the healthcare industry where you deal with REALLY SENSITiVE information. That said I still wouldn’t tell others if they asked me not to.

 

[Ms_Manners]

It’s not really sensitive with people who don’t use it to badmouth you.
With people who do, everything is sensitive.