privacy

[angell1]

what is a reasonable amount of privacy, do you guys think?

in my experience, I know people who demand ot have their girlfriend or boyfriend’s passwords to their e-mail, cell phones, social media account. even married couples do this. and they will go through their phones or accounts to check for unfaithful messages.

or what about parents with kids, would you check your child’s phone or e-mail of social media accounts? I understand there are dangers but I would honestly be quite upset if people did this to me, whether it be my family or a boyfriend or something

also, at what age do you think kids should be allowed to have a cell phone? or use technology?

things have changed a lot even from when I was a kid, we only had cell phones either in high school or university. same things with computers. now it seems like every 5 year old has an IPad

 

[UbiCaritas]

what is a reasonable amount of privacy, do you guys think?

in my experience, I know people who demand ot have their girlfriend or boyfriend’s passwords to their e-mail, cell phones, social media account. even married couples do this. and they will go through their phones or accounts to check for unfaithful messages.

or what about parents with kids, would you check your child’s phone or e-mail of social media accounts? I understand there are dangers but I would honestly be quite upset if people did this to me, whether it be my family or a boyfriend or something

also, at what age do you think kids should be allowed to have a cell phone? or use technology?

things have changed a lot even from when I was a kid, we only had cell phones either in high school or university. same things with computers. now it seems like every 5 year old has an IPad

Well, DH and I are pretty loosey-goosey about this stuff.

I think he has my email password, as I’ve had him look stuff up for me before. I also think I might have his, but I’d have to guess which one of three it would be.

He’s not on social media. I am, but I stay logged in on my computer, so if he ever wanted to check, he could.

We don’t check each other’s phones for messages/calls, but we also, if, say, the other person’s phone dings to say it has a message and the phone is closer to the non-owner, will pick it up and bring it to the owner, so it’s always possible one of us might see a message meant for the other.

Neither of us (at least, to the best of my knowledge) has ever checked the other’s email/text messages/social media for evidence of infidelity.

As far as kids…

I wouldn’t let a kid leave the house without a cell phone, but I would also have it be a basic phone with minutes and perhaps a little texting, that’s it. There just aren’t pay phones around nowadays, so it would be a safety thing as much as anything. That having been said, I wouldn’t give a kid their own phone, no. I like the way my in-laws do it with their (big) family: kids in college have their own phones, but no data plan. Kids under college age are required to take a cell phone if they leave the house, but there are 4-5 “family” cell phones kept in a basket for them to grab one of on their way out. No one kid has a particular phone, and mom and dad check the phones periodically for text messages and call histories. It also provides the kids with a built-in excuse for their friends: “Mom and Dad check my phone, so I can’t do X.”

Insofar as social media/email, it again depends on the age of the kid, as well as their general level of trustworthiness. I’d have as a rule that I must be “friended” on their profile, with as high a level of access as anyone else. It’s as much for their protection as for my watchfulness. There are a lot of sick people out there. If you think that’s overprotective, have a chat with a pedophile unit detective sometime. You’ll want to lock your kids up and throw away the key 'til they’re 35!

 

[angell1]

Well, DH and I are pretty loosey-goosey about this stuff.

I think he has my email password, as I’ve had him look stuff up for me before. I also think I might have his, but I’d have to guess which one of three it would be.

He’s not on social media. I am, but I stay logged in on my computer, so if he ever wanted to check, he could.

We don’t check each other’s phones for messages/calls, but we also, if, say, the other person’s phone dings to say it has a message and the phone is closer to the non-owner, will pick it up and bring it to the owner, so it’s always possible one of us might see a message meant for the other.

Neither of us (at least, to the best of my knowledge) has ever checked the other’s email/text messages/social media for evidence of infidelity.

As far as kids…

I wouldn’t let a kid leave the house without a cell phone, but I would also have it be a basic phone with minutes and perhaps a little texting, that’s it. There just aren’t pay phones around nowadays, so it would be a safety thing as much as anything. That having been said, I wouldn’t give a kid their own phone, no. I like the way my in-laws do it with their (big) family: kids in college have their own phones, but no data plan. Kids under college age are required to take a cell phone if they leave the house, but there are 4-5 “family” cell phones kept in a basket for them to grab one of on their way out. No one kid has a particular phone, and mom and dad check the phones periodically for text messages and call histories. It also provides the kids with a built-in excuse for their friends: “Mom and Dad check my phone, so I can’t do X.”

Insofar as social media/email, it again depends on the age of the kid, as well as their general level of trustworthiness. I’d have as a rule that I must be “friended” on their profile, with as high a level of access as anyone else. It’s as much for their protection as for my watchfulness. There are a lot of sick people out there. If you think that’s overprotective, have a chat with a pedophile unit detective sometime. You’ll want to lock your kids up and throw away the key 'til they’re 35!

thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

no , I don’t think being friends on their fb profile is too much.

and what you describe with your husband sounds normal to me.

I don’t even have data on my phone, costs too much. plus if you have a computer, you don’t need it anyways.

I’m a little conflicted about a teenager having their own phone. I understand your concerns but I don’t know, I guess I’m not really opposed to a kid having their own phone. but again, if you’re don’t check, who knows what they could be doing or saying?

 

[white_sheep]

We, as spouses, have access to all the email accounts, bank accounts, and probably facebook, etc. They are just sort of jointly operated. If my wife was worried about me being unfaithful, I would appreciate it if she told me, and I would show her all my texts and forum pm’s. I would also want to fix whatever is causing her to worry.

Our kids aren’t big enough yet, but I foresee no privacy for them within the realm of electronics. Limited functionality, safe search programs, random inspections, and public use of internet connected devices. Meaning it is in the kitchen/living room where I can see what they are doing always. Phones that are just phones, not browsers.

 

[angell1]

We, as spouses, have access to all the email accounts, bank accounts, and probably facebook, etc. They are just sort of jointly operated. If my wife was worried about me being unfaithful, I would appreciate it if she told me, and I would show her all my texts and forum pm’s. I would also want to fix whatever is causing her to worry.

Our kids aren’t big enough yet, but I foresee no privacy for them within the realm of electronics. Limited functionality, safe search programs, random inspections, and public use of internet connected devices. Meaning it is in the kitchen/living room where I can see what they are doing always. Phones that are just phones, not browsers.

yeah, I think basic texting is ok though. there’s really no need for data if you have other computers already. I think kids having electronics in their room is probably going to keep them up all night anyways, so leaving it in the living room is probably a good plan

that’s find if you have joint accounts. but I mean if your boyfriend demandsyou givehim your passwords, or something like that.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

We do not know each other’s email passwords. We don’t know each other’s Facebook passwords. For other accounts, we do know some of each other’s passwords.

If my cell rings and my husband is the closest to it, he will tell me who it is that is calling. Same for text message, and vice versa for calls and texts.

 

[pianistclare]

I think couples who are married with nothing to hide…hide nothing.

Kids need a cell phone if they are out at weird hours, or need to call for a ride.
But not for internet, texting in class, or posting or sharing bad pictures.
Or responding to bullies. When that happened? The phone goes away. Even if it makes it harder for the parent. You can’t believe how attached teens are to their phones. We collect them in a basket at the beginning of Religious ed class because they simply CAN’T put them away. Sad really.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

what about parents with kids, would you check your child’s phone or e-mail of social media accounts? I understand there are dangers but I would honestly be quite upset if people did this to me, whether it be my family

Parents have a responsibility to do their best to monitor their minor children’s use of the internet and to know who their children are associating with.

 

[Kelfa28]

I think couples who are married with nothing to hide…hide nothing.

I agree with this. I think it’s weird that a married couple would keep passwords from each other.

I suppose if it’s an account that isn’t used and never mentioned.

But if a spouse asks for a password and is told no…that is a HUGE red flag. There better be a ver, ver good reason why they can’t have it.

My husband and I share a laptop and all passwords are automatically generated for Facebook, bank accounts, pay stubs and emails.

We also share an IPad and we have dumb phones…

I’m fine with kids keeping a dumb phone with pre-paid minutes and minimum texting. Maybe one phone for the three of them since they will be in the same school until 8th grade.

Highschool? We’ll see…that is years away and I have no idea what to expect then.

My parents allowed me to get a cell phone at age 17 but I was working and paid for my phone and car myself.
They also never checked it because there really wasn’t anything to check. No one texted and there was no internet or picture capabilities on phones until I was in my early twenties.

I figure we’ll cross that bridge as it approaches.

 

[Sunbreak]

I think it’s ok for any child to have a cell phone if he/she knows how to use it properly and take care of it. However, with young children I don’t think it’s wrong for parents to monitor it. With teens you have to let them have some privacy.
I don’t think that girlfriends and boyfriends have the right to each other’s passwords.
For married couples there may be practical reasons to have passwords for some accounts like a bank account that is shared.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well, I have never been married so take this from where it comes. I would not expect a husband to share his passwords with me. Honestly, if it came to the point I had to check my husband 's phone to make sure he is being faithful, well…maybe I should be talking to a priest.

As for a potential husband getting my cell phone password, good luck ! I don’t have a cell

 

[pianistclare]

I think it’s ok for any child to have a cell phone if he/she knows how to use it properly and take care of it. However, with young children I don’t think it’s wrong for parents to monitor it. With teens you have to let them have some privacy.
I don’t think that girlfriends and boyfriends have the right to each other’s passwords.
For married couples there may be practical reasons to have passwords for some accounts like a bank account that is shared.

Yes, and I would stress the “some privacy” for teens. Teens are for the most part, responsible, but as you know there are some notable exceptions. We had an honor student (girl) in a Catholic school (9th grade) and she sent a nude picture of herself to ONE boy…who sent it to EVERYONE. Monitoring for teens is crucial.
Good parenting without smothering, ideal.

 

[BeautyFromAshes]

I think if a husband or wife feels the need to check for unfaithful messages then that points to a larger issue within the marriage. I also don’t think you should refuse your spouse access though.

I feel like my kids are a little more secure having a cell phone. My oldest got one when she started school (yes, kindergarten). She got a smart phone in second grade. I liked the gps feature and being able to see where she is in case, God forbid, someone tried to kidnap her. I have two younger kids but they do not have phones because they all ride the same bus and go to the same school as my oldest. They also do not spend the nights with friends like my oldest does. I allowed my 10 year to have a social networking page but I do monitor the content of it and I feel free to read her texts, ect. Her page is also private and she can’t be contacted by strangers. As far as tablets, they’ve all had one since about 4 years old. They love them!

 

[angell1]

I agree with this. I think it’s weird that a married couple would keep passwords from each other.

I suppose if it’s an account that isn’t used and never mentioned.

But if a spouse asks for a password and is told no…that is a HUGE red flag. There better be a ver, ver good reason why they can’t have it.

My husband and I share a laptop and all passwords are automatically generated for Facebook, bank accounts, pay stubs and emails.

We also share an IPad and we have dumb phones…

I’m fine with kids keeping a dumb phone with pre-paid minutes and minimum texting. Maybe one phone for the three of them since they will be in the same school until 8th grade.

Highschool? We’ll see…that is years away and I have no idea what to expect then.

My parents allowed me to get a cell phone at age 17 but I was working and paid for my phone and car myself.
They also never checked it because there really wasn’t anything to check. No one texted and there was no internet or picture capabilities on phones until I was in my early twenties.

I figure we’ll cross that bridge as it approaches.

well, what you describe sounds fine.

but I think there are bigger problems if I am suddenly being asked for my passwords out of the blue. like other have mentioned, if one spouse feels the need to constantly check through the others messages, there are issues

 

[pianistclare]

well, what you describe sounds fine.

but I think there are bigger problems if I am suddenly being asked for my passwords out of the blue. like other have mentioned, if one spouse feels the need to constantly check through the others messages, there are issues

that’s why you volunteer the info.
no reservations.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes, and I would stress the “some privacy” for teens. Teens are for the most part, responsible, but as you know there are some notable exceptions. We had an honor student (girl) in a Catholic school (9th grade) and she sent a nude picture of herself to ONE boy…who sent it to EVERYONE. Monitoring for teens is crucial.
Good parenting without smothering, ideal.

Exactly.

Teens have always made stupid decisions; it’s usually part of being a teenager. Problem is, never before has it been so incredibly easy to publicize their stupid decisions, or so hard to forget about them afterwards.

Kids who do something like you describe have become registered sex offenders in some cases. One single really stupid decision at 14–but something that “everyone” is doing–can ruin your life now. Which is a really good reason to monitor those cell phones: not so much to catch this as to prevent it in the first place, i.e. “Mom checks my text messages, do I really want to have a nude picture of myself on there?”

 

[angell1]

that’s why you volunteen again, I’m not in lunteer the infor the info.
no reservations.

is that really necessary though?

I wouldn’t expect my hypothetical husband to volunteer that kind of info.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have issues of being controlled by others. I’m now an extremely private person who generally does not volunteer much personal information easily

but then again, maybe if I got to that point in my life where’ I’d actually be comfortable marrying someone, maybe I’d feel differently. who knows.

I agree with the monitoring for teens part though. but you’re right, not smothering. I don’t think parents need to be checking phone messages constantly.

and open communication, conversations need to be had about things that could happen with the wrong use of technology. just like other important topics, sex, drugs, alcohol EtC…

and you’re right, people are attached to their phones. I basciall use mine when I need to meet up with someone or ask someone a question. but if I get a text during a class, well it can wait until the professor is done talking.

having data is convenient but not really necessary, if you have a computer or a tablet already. plus it’s super expensive

 

[angell1]

Exactly.

Teens have always made stupid decisions; it’s usually part of being a teenager. Problem is, never before has it been so incredibly easy to publicize their stupid decisions, or so hard to forget about them afterwards.

Kids who do something like you describe have become registered sex offenders in some cases. One single really stupid decision at 14–but something that “everyone” is doing–can ruin your life now. Which is a really good reason to monitor those cell phones: not so much to catch this as to prevent it in the first place, i.e. “Mom checks my text messages, do I really want to have a nude picture of myself on there?”

what would be a reasonable amount of monitoring? without going overboard?

 

[UbiCaritas]

what would be a reasonable amount of monitoring? without going overboard?

Well, first of all, I wouldn’t let kids have data plans on their phones. That right there would mean no picture-based texting, which would eliminate a lot of those problems.

Internet use only in common areas of the house: no computers in bedrooms, for example. That way a kid can still write emails/use Facebook (if old/mature enough), etc, but knows that mom, dad, or a sibling could walk past anytime and see the screen.

And yep, I’d stick with a kid not getting their own phone. Family phones and not leaving the house without one? Definitely. Having a way that predators (or just randy, stupid teens) can know they’ll contact them and only them by calling or texting? Nope. And that also helps the teen with their peers. “No, I can’t do X, mom and dad would know.” (I have no problem taking the blame for something like that.)

Now, would I insist on reading every single text on a phone every day? Nahhh, not unless a kid had given me significant reason not to trust them. But general oversight from time to time? Definitely. Those aren’t the kids’ phones: they’re mine. I bought them, I’m paying for the minutes and texting, I’m responsible, both morally and legally, for what happens on them.

 

[pianistclare]

is that really necessary though?

I wouldn’t expect my hypothetical husband to volunteer that kind of info.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have issues of being controlled by others. I’m now an extremely private person who generally does not volunteer much personal information easily

but then again, maybe if I got to that point in my life where’ I’d actually be comfortable marrying someone, maybe I’d feel differently. who knows.

I agree with the monitoring for teens part though. but you’re right, not smothering. I don’t think parents need to be checking phone messages constantly.

and open communication, conversations need to be had about things that could happen with the wrong use of technology. just like other important topics, sex, drugs, alcohol EtC…

and you’re right, people are attached to their phones. I basciall use mine when I need to meet up with someone or ask someone a question. but if I get a text during a class, well it can wait until the professor is done talking.

having data is convenient but not really necessary, if you have a computer or a tablet already. plus it’s super expensive

You may feel differently once you are actually married.