Problem talking to parish priest

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Rico_S

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In so many threads here, the advice to go talk to you priest about X is given. I have always generally thought this is good advice, but now there is an issue within our lives where my wife has encouraged me to talk to our parish priest and I have refused.

It isn’t that I don’t like him. He is a great guy and seems like he would be easy to talk to about even the toughest of issues. It isn’t that I am afraid what he might say. It is simply I am afraid that it will affect how he views…and possibly treats our family.
Now my wife argues he is a priest and deals with this stuff all the time…and I agree. But he is also just a man with human flaws like the rest of us. I mean ultimately, I don’t think you can share with someone some personal inner flaw or major marital issue without that fundamentally altering that persons view of you or your family.

Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?
 
You worry too much, go see him. Yes he is a man and he needs to go to confession as we all do but he is also reaching and aiming for sanctity.

If he is a good man as you said, he will likely be the right person for you. Give him a chance to help you.

All the best!
 
I can understand feeling that way, but the vast majority of priests I know are very non-judgmental when it comes to these sorts of things. They are far more likely to look more favorably on the person for the courage it takes to ask for help than they are to look down upon the person for not being perfect.

Not knowing your particular issue nor your relationship with your priest, it is hard for me to say what I would do in your situation. If you feel that uncomfortable about it, is there another priest from a neighboring parish you might speak with instead? Or would it be easier for you to broach the subject in the Confessional where you know you have the benefit of the sacramental seal?
 
Rico_S said:
In so many threads here, the advice to go talk to you priest about X is given. I have always generally thought this is good advice, but now there is an issue within our lives where my wife has encouraged me to talk to our parish priest and I have refused.

It isn’t that I don’t like him. He is a great guy and seems like he would be easy to talk to about even the toughest of issues. It isn’t that I am afraid what he might say. It is simply I am afraid that it will affect how he views…and possibly treats our family.
Now my wife argues he is a priest and deals with this stuff all the time…and I agree. But he is also just a man with human flaws like the rest of us. I mean ultimately, I don’t think you can share with someone some personal inner flaw or major marital issue without that fundamentally altering that persons view of you or your family.

Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?
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Soooo out of Pride you will continue to live a broken life? Then satan has you right where he wants you! You grossly over estimate how much time a Priest will spend thinking about your issues. He will be grateful that you are one of the few who wants to sincerely make his family life better. He will think you and your wife are wise to seek God’s answers for your dilema. A Priest often spends his time putting out one fire after another! While in session with you. The Priest will focus on your issue, and do his best, with help from the Holy Spirit, to help you. When you are done he will focus on the next thing he has to do! He will move on. Trust me, it will not be, by far, the worst he has helped a person overcome! All he wants to do is share in your victory!

Stop being a chicken, my friend, and become the man God calls you to be. Forgiven, and filled with grace. Put on the armor of God and take your place as a soldier of Jesus Christ!
 
Rico_S said:
Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?
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Yep. Me. When I have a more personal sin to confess I go to another parish. There is only 1 priest I can think of who I would go to with a really personal problem. He’s no longer at our parish, but if I needed to talk with someone, I’d make go see him.

As a convert, confession has always been a real bugaboo for me.
 
I don’t know what your problem is,but maybe you would feel better talking to someone who is a professional counselor or family therapist. I guess you are worried he might condem you and your family for whatever is going on. And while there are priests and religious who aren’t judgemental others are, just as many lay people are. Maybe it’s the sort of problem that you all have that maybe would be something you will be embarrased about in telling him.
Or maybe you feel he won’t understand the problem whatever it is,possibly because of the fact he is a priest.

Go see a family counselor or therapist first.You might feel better talking to them since
they don’t know the family and their view is not likely to change in regards to the family.
Father might not think badly of your family whatever is going on.Maybe get some professional help from some lay man or woman counselor,and then maybe go see the priest.
 
Hi Rico,

May i turn your question around on you?

Let’s say that i was a good friend of yours. One night, I say to you. “Rico, I need to talk to you privately - do you have a few minutes?”

You tell me that it is okay, and we go out for a walk. “Rico, we’ve been friends for a long time. I need to talk to someone about this, and you’re the only one i can trust. I feel like I’m screwing up my life, and i don’t know how to stop. I feel like I am addicted to online pornography. Short of throwing my computer out, I can’t seem to stop myself. Please - I need help figuring out how to overcome this. It is beginning to affect my marriage. You and your wife seem to have it all figured out - how do you do it?”

Before tonight, you thought of me as the most flawless person around. Everything seemed to be perfect in my life. But how do you view me now? Will this conversation alter the way you ever look at me again? Will we still be friends? Will you change the way you interact with me? Will it affect the way you treat my wife and family?

Okay, I made up a shortcoming (put a different on in here if you like).
 
DexUK said:
Why can’t you just find another priest?
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👍

I agree. Is there another priest you can talk to?

I rarely go to Confession with our Pastor. In fact, I think I have been twice in the 7 years he has been here. I always go to someone else. 🤷

When someone suggests talking to your priest, it doesn’t have to be your Pastor. Any priest will do.
 
I told a priest at another parish that I’m a pornography addict and he’s done nothing but tell me that he prays for me every day when I see him. Great guy.

I finally muscled up the courage to mention my addiction and recovery efforts to my pastor in confession and he didn’t bat an eye. I’m still involved in Christian formation and he is nothing but warm to me and my family.

So… 🤷
 
Joe_5859 said:
If you feel that uncomfortable about it, is there another priest from a neighboring parish you might speak with instead?
Click to expand...
I know this is basically the solution. Her entire family and my entire family live in the Diocese and are active across many parishes. So, we know most of the priests. I will have to go a ways, but I am sure I can make that happen.
Or would it be easier for you to broach the subject in the Confessional where you know you have the benefit of the sacramental seal?
Click to expand...
This is probably a stupid question, but do people actually go into confessional simply to have a discussion? I have read things on this forum that seem to indicate that, but it seems a bit off to go to confession simply to discuss an issue about which one isn’t setting out looking for absolution. Seems like it would be awkward and not really what it is intended for, but perhaps I am wrong.

As a side note, my wife mentioned to me that she had briefly touched on this topic with a priest in the confessional…and the sacramental seal didn’t really ease my mind. Seal or no seal, I don’t think this priest (or most) is going to share the struggles of parishoners with others…but I do think that perception will change. There is a filter through which he will view things. He is human.
 
The_Bucket said:
I told a priest at another parish that I’m a pornography addict and he’s done nothing but tell me that he prays for me every day when I see him. Great guy.

I finally muscled up the courage to mention my addiction and recovery efforts to my pastor in confession and he didn’t bat an eye. I’m still involved in Christian formation and he is nothing but warm to me and my family.

So… 🤷
Click to expand...
I think it can be easy for us to imagine that our sins must be the worst sins possible or that the priest never heard anything this bad before. That’s just not the case.

I can only imagine the insight and perspective that priests gain through the Confessional. They hear everything, but always in the context of repentance, mercy, and forgiveness. In light of that, I can see why hearing of another’s faults would not cause them to bat an eye.
 
Rico_S said:
I know this is basically the solution. Her entire family and my entire family live in the Diocese and are active across many parishes. So, we know most of the priests. I will have to go a ways, but I am sure I can make that happen.

This is probably a stupid question, but do people actually go into confessional simply to have a discussion? I have read things on this forum that seem to indicate that, but it seems a bit off to go to confession simply to discuss an issue about which one isn’t setting out looking for absolution. Seems like it would be awkward and not really what it is intended for, but perhaps I am wrong.

As a side note, my wife mentioned to me that she had briefly touched on this topic with a priest in the confessional…and the sacramental seal didn’t really ease my mind. Seal or no seal, I don’t think this priest (or most) is going to share the struggles of parishoners with others…but I do think that perception will change. There is a filter through which he will view things. He is human.
Click to expand...
You certainly do not want to misuse the sacrament. I wouldn’t advocate going during the regular confessional time and just chatting. It would be more of a thing where you would set up an appointment, go to Confession (because we always have something we can be confessing), and then say “By the way, I have this issue I have been struggling with…”
 
Rico_S said:
This is probably a stupid question, but do people actually go into confessional simply to have a discussion?
Click to expand...
Yes they do. But please make an appointment for another time so you can have a half hour or more to talk. I’ve been in line behind those people who spend a long time (over 15 minutes) in the confessional. Several times I’ve had to give up on confession because the chatters continue until it’s time for the priest to go.
 
By speaking with your priest you would certainly gain a powerful advocate to help you through your problem, whatever it is. BTW isn’t it better to be judged by a priest and found lacking than to have to appear at your judgement and have to explain that you were ashamed and did not seek help for a correctable problem. I seem to recall Adam doing just that.
This is one of your priest’s duties, it’s part of his job. He’ll pray for you.
 
maryjk said:
I rarely go to Confession with our Pastor. In fact, I think I have been twice in the 7 years he has been here. I always go to someone else. 🤷
.
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Is this for the same reasons I stated above? Uncomfortable with him having intimate knowledge of you while being an active parishoner in his parish? Not trying to pry, so don’t answer if you don’t want, just wanting to make sure I am not nuts feeling as I do.
 
Rico_S said:
Is this for the same reasons I stated above? Uncomfortable with him having intimate knowledge of you while being an active parishoner in his parish? Not trying to pry, so don’t answer if you don’t want, just wanting to make sure I am not nuts feeling as I do.
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He is also my boss. I work for the parish. Knowing that my boss has intimate knowledge of me, while working for him makes me uncomfortable.

He is a wonderful man. And, I hear, a great confessor. But I just have a hard time opening up to him.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I think it can be easy for us to imagine that our sins must be the worst sins possible or that the priest never heard anything this bad before. That’s just not the case.

I can only imagine the insight and perspective that priests gain through the Confessional. They hear everything, but always in the context of repentance, mercy, and forgiveness. In light of that, I can see why hearing of another’s faults would not cause them to bat an eye.
Click to expand...
I totally agree. The Church is a hospital for sinners and not a museum for saints. In my case, I struggle with pornography addiction. I don’t argue that it’s OK. I say that it’s a fault of mine and I’ve got a plan to allow God to work in my life to repair this damage. Should I no longer be trusted because I too am a sinner?

Now if say, a lay teacher for CCD confesses to pedophilia… well I think there’s cause for removal from positions of authority for the safety of all involved. Same with people who commit a capital offense.

But otherwise, what’s the problem? 🤷 We’ve all got our crosses to bear. Trying to pretend that we don’t in order to “save face” is not really an honest way of living.
 
Rico_S said:
It isn’t that I am afraid what he might say. It is simply I am afraid that it will affect how he views…and possibly treats our family…
Anyway, does anyone else feel this way?
Click to expand...
Yes. I did in the past, and sometimes still do. As Regina said, for me anyway, it was an issue with pride. In our church, each Confessional has the option of face to face or behind the screen. Although our Pastor is my regular confessor, I have been to another (retired) priest for Confession and chose the behind the screen option.
Rico_S said:
This is probably a stupid question, but do people actually go into confessional simply to have a discussion?
Click to expand...
I think some people do. For me, it wasn’t a simple discussion, though. It saved my life. So, I’ve been the one in there a long time. I’ve also been the one waiting a very long time.

Once, I was last on line when someone spent about a half hour in there. A couple of folks were visibly perturbed. When she emerged simply glowing, I felt awesome. She was so joyful and relieved. She quietly apologized & whispered, “Thank you for being so patient,” to all of us, then went to one of the nearby pews, and knelt to pray.

So what to do if I know there’s an issue which would require extensive discussion to help me work through? I’ve called the office & scheduled an appointment with a priest. Some priests can be overextended, though, especially parish pastors, so scheduling can be a challenge. The office might suggest an appointment with a Deacon. If it’s related to something I would be confessing, something I am struggling with that would take extended time inside the Confessional, I leave my name & number then ask for Father to call back. And you know what? He does call back and talks with me until it’s all worked out.

Thank You Lord for our good and holy priests!
 
Rico_S said:
I know this is basically the solution. Her entire family and my entire family live in the Diocese and are active across many parishes. So, we know most of the priests. I will have to go a ways, but I am sure I can make that happen.

This is probably a stupid question, but do people actually go into confessional simply to have a discussion? I have read things on this forum that seem to indicate that, but it seems a bit off to go to confession simply to discuss an issue about which one isn’t setting out looking for absolution. Seems like it would be awkward and not really what it is intended for, but perhaps I am wrong.

As a side note, my wife mentioned to me that she had briefly touched on this topic with a priest in the confessional…and the sacramental seal didn’t really ease my mind. Seal or no seal, I don’t think this priest (or most) is going to share the struggles of parishoners with others…but I do think that perception will change. There is a filter through which he will view things. He is human.
Click to expand...
Perhaps this recent article will help allay your fears…

My Side of the Confessional: What It’s Like for the Priest

*I was once riding in a shuttle-bus with a number of older folks on the way from an airport. They noticed that I was a priest and started asking questions about it. “Do you do all of the priest stuff?” “Yep.” “Even the Confession thing?” “Yeah. All the time.” *
One older lady gasped, “Well, I think that that would be the worst. It would be so depressing; hearing all about people’s sins.”
I told them that it was the exact opposite. There is almost no greater place to be than with someone when they are coming back to God. I said, “It would depressing if I had to watch someone leave God; I get to be with them when they come back to Him.” The Confessional is a place where people let God’s love win. The Confessional is the most joyful, humbling, and inspiring place in the world.
What do I see during confession?

*I think there are three things. First, I see the costly mercy of God in action. I get to regularly come face to face with the overwhelming, life-transforming power of God’s love. I get to see God’s love up-close and it reminds me of how good God is. *
Not many folks get to see the way in which God’s sacrifice on the Cross is constantly breaking into people’s lives and melting the hardest hearts. Jesus consoles those who are grieving their sins . . . and strengthens those who find themselves wanting to give up on God or on life.
As a priest, I get to see this thing happen every day.
I see a saint in the making.

The second thing I see is a person who is still trying – a saint in the making. I don’t care if this is the person’s third confession this week; if they are seeking the Sacrament of Reconciliation, it means that they are trying. That’s all that I care about. This thought is worth considering: going to Confession is a sign that you haven’t given up on Jesus.
*This is one of the reasons why pride is so deadly. I have talked with people who tell me that they don’t want to go to Confession to their priest because their priest really likes them and “thinks that they are a good kid.” *
*I have two things to say to this. *


  1. *]He will not be disappointed! What your priest will see is a person who is trying! I dare you to find a saint who didn’t need to God’s mercy! (Even Mary needed God’s mercy; she received the mercy of God in a dramatic and powerful way at her conception. Boom. Lawyered.)
    *]So what if the priest is disappointed? We try to be so impressive with so much of our lives. Confession is a place where we don’t get to be impressive. Confession is a place where the desire to impress goes to die. Think about it: all other sins have the potential to cause us to race to the confessional, but pride is the one that causes us to hide from the God who could heal us.

    Do I Remember Your Sins? No!

    So often, people will ask if I remember people’s sin from Confession. As a priest, I rarely, if ever, remember sins from the confessional. That might seem impossible, but the truth is, sins aren’t all that impressive. They aren’t like memorable sunsets or meteor showers or super-intriguing movies . . . they are more like the garbage.
    And if sins are like garbage, then the priest is like God’s garbage-man. If you ask a garbage-man about the gross-est thing he’s ever had to haul to the dump, maaaaaaybe he could remember it. But the fact is, once you get used to taking out the trash, it ceases to be noteworthy, it ceases to stand out. *
    Honestly, once you realize that the Sacrament of Reconciliation is less about the sin and more about Christ’s death and resurrection having victory in a person’s life, the sins lose all of their luster, and Jesus’ victory takes center stage.
    *
    lifeteen.com/my-side-of-the-c…-for-a-priest/
 
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