Problem with a friend

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cristyd

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I am writing to you because i am at an impas and i have no idea what to do next:
I have a so called friend with whom i always had problems. In university i joind a student organization and did volunteer work in organizing summer courses and other events for students. She shouted at me and tried to convince me to renounce it because she said that i will not have enough time to study and i will waste my life.
Later on i moved to another country, where i got a good job, met my husband and i was very happy. She started to tell me things like: I don’t think you are happy there, i don’t think you love Viktor really, I don’t think your colleagues in work like you. I didn’t understand why she was doing this until i heard that her salary was reduce because of the economical crisis.
I was angry with her for a while and then let it go, because i said to myself that people do sometimes stupid things when they have problems.
Then we got pregnant almost in the same time. And then she started with the insults
and the airs of superiority:
-you are buying Christmas presents?, i will not, i am a responsible mother, for me the child is more important
-you are readying Quo Vadis? In stead wasting you time with stupidities you should read books about parenting like me
-you let your father in law make the bed for the baby, i couldn’t be so indifferent to my baby
-its hurting you down there and the doctor said that its the bones preparing for birth? Ive never heard of this, your doctor is stupid

I thought it will stop after birth but it got worst. Just because she read some parenting books she believes that is extra experimented in taking care of babies. She talks to me like i am somebody inferior, stupid and helpless. She send me millions of links and books which until; now didn’t help me with anything.
What really helped me were advices from other friends who are mothers and have older children, because their advices came from experience not from books.
But she doesn’t understand it and is angry when i tell her not to send me links and books anymore. She thinks she is better because she uses i don’t know what method for feeding the child, because she is raising her child from the books, she carries her baby in a wrap everywhere, even to the table and to the toilet etc.

At some moment i simply couldn’t take this anymore so i simply stopped talking to her and erased her from my Facebook and other accounts. I have a baby to take care of and i don’t have time for arguing, for insults and i am tired and being treating with superiority.

I don’t know if what i did was good so i am asking what would you do in my situation.
 
She doesn’t appear to be a real friend in any sense and you don’t even live in the same country. So if she is making you unhappy ignore her and move on…you have far more important things to be doing like enjoying your baby.
 
A real true friend doesn’t do that. Remove negativity from your life!
 
Well, you definitely were very unhappy with that friendship.

I think some people misinterpret what it means to “turn the other cheek”, forgive, etc.

This does not mean you should allow yourself to be her, or anybody else’s, doormat. In that, you aren’t doing yourself, or her, any favors over the long haul.

If you have someone in your life who is abusive, it’s best to avoid them if at all possible. Sometimes, it’s not feasible. We might have little alternative but to put up with a coworker, say. However, avoidance is the first line of defense.

By allowing an abusive person continue their abuse is also not going to help them, or you, to get into heaven. By hanging around with a “friend” like that, you are also putting your soul at risk, because you’d have to be a saint not to get angry with that kind of provocation. Anger’s a sin.

Your story reminded me of the saying, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”

Ideally, it’s good to try to end off nicely. However, you had to end it, one way or another.

You need some new friends, ones who aren’t abusive. The main question to ask is why you put up with this for so long. Know for next time, you don’t have to.
 
Not that I could pull this off, but love thy enemies. I would forgive her, remember that the way you treat the least of your brothers is how you treat Jesus, try to erase those bad feelings toward her, and then just move on like you did. I mean, God still loves her unconditionally, and even sent his only Son to die for someone like her. He sees the good in each one of us, so try and do the same. I am being a huge hypocrite of course, but that is the Catholic way of looking at it.
 
There is no need to be unkind, but neither is there any need to endure long distance emotional abuse from someone you used to know in another country.
 
Pray for her, and trust her to God.
She isn’t a friend because she doesn’t respect you, your choices, or your boundaries, but she needs your prayers.
Jesus said pray for those who persecute you, which is what she appears to be doing, in a controlling way.
But you don’t need to hand her your peace of mind as she tries to undermine your perception of your marriage, your confidence, and to control what you do. It appears that her friendship does you more harm than good.
You could thank her for having been your friend in a kind warm way, wish her much happiness, then cut all ties and move on.
 
To the poster who stated anger is a sin. Anger is an emotion. We only sin by acting sinfully when angry.
 
cristyd said:
I am writing to you because i am at an impas and i have no idea what to do next:
I have a so called friend with whom i always had problems. In university i joind a student organization and did volunteer work in organizing summer courses and other events for students. She shouted at me and tried to convince me to renounce it because she said that i will not have enough time to study and i will waste my life.
Later on i moved to another country, where i got a good job, met my husband and i was very happy. She started to tell me things like: I don’t think you are happy there, i don’t think you love Viktor really, I don’t think your colleagues in work like you. I didn’t understand why she was doing this until i heard that her salary was reduce because of the economical crisis.
I was angry with her for a while and then let it go, because i said to myself that people do sometimes stupid things when they have problems.
Then we got pregnant almost in the same time. And then she started with the insults
and the airs of superiority:
-you are buying Christmas presents?, i will not, i am a responsible mother, for me the child is more important
-you are readying Quo Vadis? In stead wasting you time with stupidities you should read books about parenting like me
-you let your father in law make the bed for the baby, i couldn’t be so indifferent to my baby
-its hurting you down there and the doctor said that its the bones preparing for birth? Ive never heard of this, your doctor is stupid

I thought it will stop after birth but it got worst. Just because she read some parenting books she believes that is extra experimented in taking care of babies. She talks to me like i am somebody inferior, stupid and helpless. She send me millions of links and books which until; now didn’t help me with anything.
What really helped me were advices from other friends who are mothers and have older children, because their advices came from experience not from books.
But she doesn’t understand it and is angry when i tell her not to send me links and books anymore. She thinks she is better because she uses i don’t know what method for feeding the child, because she is raising her child from the books, she carries her baby in a wrap everywhere, even to the table and to the toilet etc.

At some moment i simply couldn’t take this anymore so i simply stopped talking to her and erased her from my Facebook and other accounts. I have a baby to take care of and i don’t have time for arguing, for insults and i am tired and being treating with superiority.

I don’t know if what i did was good so i am asking what would you do in my situation.
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You’ve done the most healthy thing you could have in ending the friendship now. Your confidence and ability and enjoyment of motherhood would definitely have been marred by such a critical and overbearing person poisoning your experiences.

Just try not to dwell on your past with her in a bitter, resentful way. When you think about her and how she has hurt you, grab that moment to pray for her and let it go. It’s important to feel confident and happy in those early years of motherhood and avoid all unnecessary negativity.
 
Should i write something to her to explain why i stopped talking to her or simply leave like this.
 
I would just pray for her and leave it be. You don’t need emotional bullying. Your Faith and Family are your priority
 
If it was me, I would also just let it be without going into a formal ending either. When this similar situation happened to me, I figured that my friend had other friends who didn’t seem to mind her opinions and interference, so it wasn’t my place to blame her… it was just that I didn’t cope with it or want it myself.

If she were to directly confront you about your pulling away from her, you could then say that you were feeling negatively affected by her opinions and suggestions and just wanted to keep doing what you were feeling good with instead.

Some friendships work in some situations but don’t necessarily work in every situation and when it comes to raising your babies, your confidence in yourself if vitally important as it impacts on your children and their relationship with you.
 
cristyd said:
Should i write something to her to explain why i stopped talking to her or simply leave like this.
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I wouldn’t explain anything unless she asked. You could be opening yourself up to being sucked into her emotional abuse again if you contacted her. Let it go and move on. I would have done the same thing in your situation.
 
Reverie said:
I wouldn’t explain anything unless she asked. You could be opening yourself up to being sucked into her emotional abuse again if you contacted her. Let it go and move on. I would have done the same thing in your situation.
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I wish i would have listened to you. i tried to be polite and explain to her what bothered me and why i stopped talking to her. She replied that anyway she is happy i have a child because it is my only realization in my life. I simply left the ruddiness an didn’t answer anymore.
 
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