Problem with feelings for a married women, help

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I have a dilemma. I have had a very strong connection to a women who I know through my church of all places, she is married. I felt this overwhelming feeling, natural attraction, liking, closeness, something, actually not a sexual thing per se either, just wanting to be with her, sit with her, talk, whatever. She is very very reverent, something I have never searched out before. This was very odd for me to have this type of ‘feeling’, if that even describes what it is. When ever I would see her I would have this deep feeling, whatever it was. I didn’t know she was married at first and for a while after. Her husband is not Catholic and I never saw them together, just her and her daughters. She didnt wear a ring either. He is out of town for work now and then so I didn’t see him at school functions either. They have been married for 18 years! only 5 within the chuch. She was a revert. The very first time I meet her there was something odd going on. I am not being sentimental or romantic about this. I was going to ask her for a date, had to, when I found out by accident that she was married, I was crushed. That was 5 years ago. We still see each other at functions and I have never said or done anything improper. A month ago I walked into church and saw her sitting by herself and I decided to go sit with her, we are friends, but of course my real reason was selfish. I wanted to sit with her just to sit with her. It was not a good idea as I was really ‘full of angst’ sitting there, but did not show anything. We shook hands and grabbed each others hands, two hands instinctively, looking at each other and smiling. It was a warm feeling but I felt bad afterward. The next week she comes up to me and said she was struck with this overpowering feeling being there with me. That she really enjoyed being with me. I was speechless. I told her, (even though I should not have replied), or I was compelled to say, ’ that I was being disingenuous sitting with her, that I was being selfish, that I had a crush on her (god help me) for 6 years and that I was sorry that I acted that way, that she should not angry at me, and that my actions sometimes around her may be out of selfish motives’. I had never said anything like that to her before, we have been just good friends, at church or school functions only, not close friends. But I couldn’t stop myself from saying that, what a goof. She said in reply, 'that she liked (liked) me from the first time she met me, always knew that, that she felt a powerful feeling when she was with me last week. She said that when she was leaving church that day, someone ran over to her and said, " I didn’t know you and my name were dating, that’s so great, to which she replied, 'no I’m married, we’re just friends." She told me when the women said that to her, she was like, wow!.. Nothing else was said. I said something like, ‘well, now you know how I’ve felt all these years’, which was stupid and suggestive but it’s amazing the things that come out of your mouth at times. Especially since I’ve been drawn to her for soooo long. We just started talking about something else. No plans or winks or anything like that. I don’t know anything about her marriage, nothing very personal. All I know is that when I’m around her, something happens, and she’s a very average person, looks, shape, achievement, its not what she looks like or does. Who knows. Now my question, WHY DOES GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE LIKE HER, OF FAITH, KINDNESS, HEART, SOUL… FOR YEARS AND YEARS. I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED AT FIRST BUT STILL HAVE THESE FEELINGS. IS IT THE DARKER SIDE TRYING TO USE ME TO DESTROY HER LIFE, IS IT JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS? IT SEEMS ODD, THAT SHE HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE AND WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT, EVER. WHY WOULD GOD TORTURE ME WITH THIS. I’VE NEVER HAD THIS TYPE OF ‘FEELING’ OVER ANYONE, VERY DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING, DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT CAN NEVER BE, SO WHAT’S THE POINT OTHER THAN TO TEMPT ME AND DANGLE THE CARROT, IT HURTS BADLY. I so much wish things were different and feel a little sorry for myself I guess as people like her and those feeling just don’t happen. Why me
 
Get away.

Change parishes.

Move.

Do something - but do it now!

I feel for you, but you can’t let this happen.

I pray for you, and for her marriage.
 
Talk to your priest. And try and get a copy of The Bishop’s Wife. Its an old movie with Cary Grant and Loretta Young. You aren’t the only one with this kind of feelings.
 
God is NOT allowing your feelings to happen like this, YOU are. You have taken an innocent attraction and when you found she was married, you continued to allow yourself to focus on her. This is what brings the angst. You must NOT let your feelings lead the way…gotta use that organ between your ears first.

Rule number one: Don’t go after married women.

And if you think it out, you will realize the horrible scandal your pursuing the mother would cause her, her husband and her children. Do you really want that?? Is that really love??

I recommend you pack up your feelings and save them for someone who is worthy. This married woman isn’t the last person on earth to whom you will be attracted.
 
Did you feel that? It was me hitting you upside the head. What are you even thinking??!!!

I beg you to go to a different parish and avoid this woman like the plague. She is NOT who God has planned for you. She has made a vow to someone else - she has HIS children. You have no right to tell her your “feelings” for her - they are NOT appropriate. You said her husband isn’t Cathoic… I can almost guarantee that he won’t ever consider becoming Catholic if his wife has an affair with some guy she met at Church.

You asked why God would dangle this woman of your dreams in front of you, and yet you can’t have her? That’s just nuts… you don’t really know anything about her. She is just a casual friend - my gosh, you didn’t even know she was married for YEARS so it’s not like you were even close friends. In your mind, you’ve made this woman into something so much more… based on your imagination of her. You said that this relationship could never be - I am so glad you recognize that - so now you need to flee from this temptation. Satan will use you to destroy this woman’s family - her children, her husband and both of you if you allow this to happen. No more sitting next to her - no more talking about “whatever” you both felt - PLEASE… let it go. It will only hurt you and keep you from the REAL woman God will give you, if that is your calling in life.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I would tell my real brother the same thing I’ve told you, and you are my brother in Christ. So now go do the right thing - you already know what that is.
 
I’ve got to agree with the other person.
You need to go to another parish.

Here’s the thing. God has us cross paths with people for a reason. Most times it take years to figure out what the reason was, and usually it’s after the person has moved on.

You and she crossed paths and connected.
You’ve maintained this connection for 6 years with no effort on your parts. So we can figure the connection is real, not a deception.

The fact remains she is married and has two daughters, so you can’t act on that connection, as you’ve already noted.
Indications are both of you are struggling with this so the gentleman thing for you to do is remove yourself from her path of temptation.

Remember we are called to die to ourselves in order to be open to God’s will (and according to His timing, not ours)…so you’ll die to her, if you really think this is love.

Go to another parish. Allow God’s plan to unfold without your interference. Our will and intellect cloud matters and cause us to act when we should be participating.

IF God’s plan all along has been for you two to be together then her marriage will reach it’s natural conclusion without your help. Should it end God will move her to find you, and of course, if that’s the case, you’ll be sure the first marriage is annulled before you take a step in her direction.

IF by any chance, this connection is of Satan’s doing and not God’s, then her marriage will remain intact and you will have your answer. Having removed yourself from the temptation, the connection on your part, if it’s false, will dwindle, not grow stronger, and perhaps you’ll meet a single woman at your new parish.

Bottom line, let God continue to control the situation.
You have to physically cut yourself off from this woman.
If you really love her, as you think this connection is, then you’ll do it willingly. If you don’t go because of your own selfish reasons then all the more reason to suspect this is not God’s work, but Satan’s and then you should be happy to distance yourself to protect yourself from his further manipulations.

Pray to St. Michael.
 
Good advice from everyone, that’s what I needed to hear, thanks all…
 
Even when you are married with someone you love, you may feel attracted to other people. When it happens, you avoid them like the plague. Picture them on the toilet with really bad diarrhea. Realize they are just another attractive human, but there are other attractive humans out there who are not mortally sinful to date. Ask yourself if you had a friend in the same situation, how would you advise him? What if it was your sister in love with a married man? You have my prayers, because i know this is a heavy cross, but do you really want the baggage of this relationship? Assume she really did leave her husband and you two could be together. Do you want to deal with the children who will undoubtedly hate you for breaking up their home? Don’t focus on the warm fuzzy fantasies. Focus on the reality of what is going to happen if you get your wish. Incidentally, did you feel that? That was me kicking you in the crotch for going back to the warm fuzzy fantasy, home wrecker.🙂
 
We are told to resist the devil and he will flee from us. Yet, with respect to sexual immorality, we are told to flee ourselves. I once heard a sermon from my rector many years ago that made this very point. Sexual immorality is so dangerous to us because it is so seductive and “feels so right”. Just like how you feel so right about this woman. Still, you know that it is wrong and, for your own sake as well as hers, you need to flee. To echo what others have said, I think I would go to another parish or, at a minimum, make certain that you and her attend different masses if you stay put.

1 Cor. 6 (emphasis added):

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
 
Having experienced something similar in a previous parish, I can vouch for the wisdom of changing parishes!!! Out of sight, out of mind. Change parishes now!! Don’t wait until after Christmas. Don’t explain anything to anyone. Don’t apologize to her. Just. Leave. Now.

Also, remember that what you’re attracted to may or may not be real. So far it is only a figment of your imagination. What a shame it would be to ruin 5 lives (yours, hers, her husband’s, and her 2 children) so that you can continue to entertain this fantasy.

Presumably you’re attracted to her goodness, her wholesomeness, her interior beauty. Yet if you were ever to “consummate” your relationship, then she would, by definition, become an adultress, and you an adulterer. You would destroy the very thing that is attracting you to her. And, of course, since she would already have proven herself untrustworthy, you would have no reason to trust that she would not cheat on you, too.

So you see, there really is no possibility of your fantasy coming true.

By just leaving now you will be affirming that the beauty you’re attracted to is worthy of being preserved, even at the cost of your own happiness. Now THAT’S true love.
 
johnnycatholic said:
Even when you are married with someone you love, you may feel attracted to other people. When it happens, you avoid them like the plague. QUOTE]

This is so true. In fact, it can really sneak up on you when you are married. Kimberly Hahn even talks about a brief attraction she had to another man soon after she was married. She switched jobs. You have to nip these feelings in the bud.

Remember we have to avoid near occasions of sin. It is prudent as to avoid being alone with members of the opposite sex.
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Artist, if evil came in a repulsive form we would never let it in; however it often comes in the most alluring ways. As a married man, I’ve faced temptation many times. The light of Christ in a woman is powerfully attractive; however, if you love Christ then you know that this woman is not for you. You not only hurt yourself by continuing this improper relationship, but you lead her further away from her husband whom she has been joined to by Christ when you give her even the slightest false hope of a future of any kind with you.

I would leave the parish and join a new one and cut off contact with her. The longer you pursue her, the longer you put off meeting a woman who is available. Ask yourself if your attraction has anything to do with the fact that she is not really available for you, and there is safety in being able to love her from afar.

Now think about this…I don’t mind if Christ sees me making love to my wife. He brought us together and wants us to enjoy this gift of sexuality together. Do you think Christ would enjoy watching you make love to this woman he joined to someone else? Do you think her husband would enjoy this? If the answer is “no”…then what the heck are you doing?
 
This is part of that old fairy tale that there is that one special person out there for each of us. I am 70 years old and been married for 45 years. We have six grown children and I have never strayed, but over the years I have found myself attracted strongly to another woman at least three times, one of them before I had been married even a full year. We have to understand that this does happen and take measures to avoid the temptation when it does. I always held the thought in mind that I loved my wife so much I could not do something that would hurt her so terribly and then take whatever steps necessary to avoid contact and daydreams about the other. You are not strange or deviant, you are a rational man with feelings. The key is to understand that they are just that-feelings, and do not have to be acted on. Save you and her lots of future pain by getting into another environment where you do not meet. I can also guarantee that your romantic vision of her perfection is just that, romantic and not based in reality. God does not do these things to us, but Old Nick works overtime at it. He wants your soul.
 
newf said:
God is NOT allowing your feelings to happen like this, YOU are. You have taken an innocent attraction and when you found she was married, you continued to allow yourself to focus on her. This is what brings the angst. You must NOT let your feelings lead the way…gotta use that organ between your ears first.

Rule number one: Don’t go after married women.

And if you think it out, you will realize the horrible scandal your pursuing the mother would cause her, her husband and her children. Do you really want that?? Is that really love??

I recommend you pack up your feelings and save them for someone who is worthy. This married woman isn’t the last person on earth to whom you will be attracted.
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Firstly who do you think you are in this situation. No person can BLAME God…God gives us free will and you have a problem with your free will.
Have you ever read the line “though shalt not covet thy neighbors wife”?
Don’t let satan get away with this because satan is the one yo are listening to.
Be strong accept the truth tell your self that you have NO rights over her.
 
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