Problem with reconciling past relationships

[tloc]

Thank you all so, so much. You have given me much to think about.

I just want to be clear on one thing. I do not view myself as “better” than her than any way, nor do I wish to judge her.

Please understand that this happened very recently and, because I wasnt ready for it and have never experienced anything like it, I wasnt sure what to do.

mm3861, salonika, jrabs, texas roofer, and everyone else- thanks so much for your understanding. i hope you all realize that you are truly helping others by being a light to them.

i know what i have to do. today’s a new day!

 

[mm3861]

… you can not forgive my sins nor I yours. Only God forgives sins.

I disagree with you. He has been wounded by her sins. My point is that her sexual activity with past partners has wounded her future marriage bond between her and her husband. To deny that is absolutely insane and against Catholic teaching. If he wished to marry her, he has an absolute duty to forgive her in his heart just as Christ has forgiven him for his sins. Furthermore, he should NEVER hold this over her head or bring it up during an arguement. She has expressed sorrow and cannot change what happened. She deserves and needs his love and compassion With time, prayer, and his unconditional forgiveness, the marital bond is healed of this wound and the pain of carrying this cross will ease. There is incredible redemptive value in our sufferings and we are called to join them up with Christ’s sufferings and offer them up to God! The reward in the end is great blessings of a beautiful marriage and wonderful family.

 

[mm3861]

See, it does not have to would the future marriage. Him dwelling and not accepting her confession is what is going to hurt the marriage.

We cannot live in regret. We cannot change the past. We can only accept and deal, or find circumstance that favor what we can live with. That is the part of love that will come into play here.

He really needs to chose to put it in the past, where God has put it or let her go.

**I can immediately and unconditionally forgive Nolan Ryan for hitting me in on the elbow with a 100mph fastball… but it is still going to hurt! His pain is justified! **

 

[jrabs]

**I can immediately and unconditionally forgive Nolan Ryan for hitting me in on the elbow with a 100mph fastball… but it is still going to hurt! His pain is justified! **

Then the choice is obvious. He needs to set her free.
If it is going to cause him such pain that he is asking how he gets over this in a marriage, then he cannot begin to think about having a marriage with this woman. He already has doubt.

I am thinking that could be a reason for an invalid marriage.

My point is that this does need to hurt a future marriage - and it should not ( for the reasons stated above - they should not have gotten married because it was not a good choice ).

 

[mm3861]

Then the choice is obvious. He needs to set her free.
If it is going to cause him such pain that he is asking how he gets over this in a marriage, then he cannot begin to think about having a marriage with this woman. He already has doubt.

I am thinking that could be a reason for an invalid marriage.

My point is that this does need to hurt a future marriage - and it should not ( for the reasons stated above - they should not have gotten married because it was not a good choice ).

Are you denying that sin brings forth pain? Sin always has consequences. None of us are perfect and therfore we suffer to one degree or another. This sounds like a good girl who might make a great wife someday for him. Life is full of crosses and suffererings. There is no reason to end the relationship unless he refuses to gladly accept this cross offer his suffering up to God.
God is merciful and will help him. Besides… Where in the world are you going to find a virgin to marry THESE days???

 

[PaulinVA]

I disagree with you. He has been wounded by her sins. My point is that her sexual activity with past partners has wounded her future marriage bond between her and her husband. To deny that is absolutely insane and against Catholic teaching.

Only a problem if he lets it be a problem. It’s HIS problem. She has been forgiven. God has taken her sins and “thrown them as far as the East is from the West”.

I’m not sure what you mean by calling my idea insane and against Church teaching. If her sexual activity has wounded her future marriage bond, then how is that healed? By whom?

 

[cam100]

This is a complicated and sensitive issue. I personally know of several cases such as this. The interesting thing is that when the man is the virgin and the women is not, it seems to affect the man more than a women is affected if the situation is reversed. I can speak based on what I’ve observed, but the fact is that everyone is different. I think that this will have some effect on your future relationship, should you decide to get married. You will never forget it completely, but with prayer and a good Christian attitude, you can still have a happy marriage. Yes, this may cause your sexual relationship to be somewhat less satisfactory than it would otherwise, at least at first. I think the pain will fade over time, however. Think of how many times Our Lord has forgiven you for past offenses, and this may help. The question is, if she is perfect in every other way, are you willing to suffer a little to be with her? No one can predict exactly what will happen, and only you can make the choice. God bless you.

 

[vee8]

To the original poster perhaps this is something you might want to ask a trusted orthodox (meaning someone who is in line with Vatican teachings) priest about.

You are to be commended for staying a virgin in these times and any good Catholic woman would be lucky to have you. In case he hasnt been mentioned I suggest reading Christopher West
christopherwest.com/works.asp
To get you started try this article
theologyofthebody.com/03-10-06.asp

I also understand why you feel the way you do that this woman you are interested in as a possible wife lost her virginity while you saved yours, and I think the above column can help you come to terms with possibly having a wife who made some big mistakes. Perhaps you are the one to help her reclaim her virginal humanity. Here is an excerpt

Lustful sexual union – that is, sexual union in which people (including spouses) use one another for their own selfish satisfaction – is most certainly a loss of virginity. However, to the degree that spouses are loving one another in the image of Christ and the Church (see Eph 5:31-32), they are entering the mystery of redemption and reclaiming bit by bit the original integrity of their humanity. They are, in this sense, reclaiming their “virginal” humanity.

Christ gave himself up for this woman to make her “holy and immaculate” (Eph 5:27). And his gift was effective. So too is the gift of spouses to each other. Authentic marital love is healing, redemptive. In this way spouses reclaim their virginity not through technology, but through the grace of their sacrament.

 

[jrabs]

Are you denying that sin brings forth pain? Sin always has consequences.

Where have I said that? Where have I denied this? If this is going to be a big issue for the OP, and it seems it is, then this woman is NOT a good match for him. If he cannot reconcile this inside himself, then he needs to move on and find someone else. He cannot make a vow to his wife then make an issue within their marriage and make himself the victim.

None of us are perfect and therefore we suffer to one degree or another. This sounds like a good girl who might make a great wife someday for him.

But then again I bring up that this sin is not his, but I bet there may be other transgressions that the OP may have had. We all have them.
She does indeed sound like a great catch - but he is the only person that can decide. He needs to take some time in prayer and figure out how to get past this and embrace the future without continuing to harm their relationship - bringing it up or making her feel guilty. His choice.

Life is full of crosses and sufferings. There is no reason to end the relationship unless he refuses to gladly accept this cross offer his suffering up to God.

You put the operative phrase in there…gladly accepts. His concern in this thread was how to get her to recognize and feel HIS pain…how to deal with this in marriage. Those do not sound like questions that one asks when gladly accepting a cross - but one lamenting it and living in regret. Regret and guilt are no way to start a marriage.

God is merciful and will help him. Besides… Where in the world are you going to find a virgin to marry THESE days???

The question is not mine to answer. It is not an issue for me. It is an issue for the OP. Only he can decide how to deal and what value he is going to place on his girlfriend’s confessed sin.

 

[mm3861]

The question is not mine to answer. It is not an issue for me. It is an issue for the OP. Only he can decide how to deal and what value he is going to place on his girlfriend’s confessed sin.

Well stated my friend! … What I am offering him is a Catholic way to make peace with the situation. If he is unable or unwilling to do these things then he should certainly not marry her.

 

[MarcoPolo]

1. how do i get over it?
2. how do i get her to understand how much it hurts me?
3. how do i have a healthy marriage/sex life once we are past this (e.g. confession etc.)

I’m a young man (sort of) also…here’s my advice. The way to look at it is to understand repentance. If she is truly repentant and goes to confession, then she is AS PURE AS YOU. She is washed clean, whiter than snow, by the blood of Christ.

That is not to say that what happened did not happen. There will be temporal punishment for sin, pains, perhaps attachments she needs to be rid of. But penance will erase that as well, and she may well be completely removed from these incidents now. But you must see her through God’s eyes…that is, pure once she has completed repentance. If you want to tell her it hurts you, be sure to tell her you are working on maturing past that.

You know Father Corapi, right? The famous priest on EWTN? He tried much sex in his younger day. He confessed his sins. He is a spiritual virgin again, and that’s all that matters.

Pray for the capacity to see the purity of her repentant soul. Ask God to show you bad things you might have done that could cause someone else to see you as unworthy. It is a matter of maturing spiritually, and you have taken the first steps in that direction simply by asking! Then you will be closer to being ripe for marriage…cuz right now there’s a little work to do. God bless you.

 

[jrabs]

This is what I do know…

I do admire the OP for spending time thinking about this and contemplating if this woman is right for him.

In this day and age I also commend him for taking a hard look at marriage.

 

[newbetx]

hey everyone, im posting on the board for the first time for the sole purpose of asking you all this question…im really lost

ive abstained from sex all my life, in order to save it for marriage…ive always wanted to have a big catholic family and a wife who i can love completely

recently i met the perfect woman who i think i have fallen in love with…shes compassionate, smart, beautiful, and Catholic.

however, i have found out (from her) that in her past relationships she has had sex numerous times witha few different people.

i am completely crushed…i dont want to judge her because i am hardly perfect but i feel betrayed…i feel like if we ever got married i wouldnt be able to think aboutanything during sex but her other partners

she says she wishes she had never had sex and that she wants to start over, but other than that doesnt seem overly concerned.

i dont know what to do. my questions are

1. how do i get over it?
2. how do i get her to understand how much it hurts me?
3. how do i have a healthy marriage/sex life once we are past this (e.g. confession etc.)

thanks so much for your help. i dont know if this is the way things are usually done but like i said, im really, really hurting right now.

Well, many of us weren’t virgins when we married. I know many couples that had previous relationships that now include a child from a previous relationship. These people “get through” it by recognizing that the falicy of the lives they lived before were just that, lies. What they are willing to commit to going forward is true unconditional love for one another. True dedication to their relationship with each other and looking forward, not back.

I understand your dissapointment. I really do. I’m just priviledged that my wife would looked over my past and accept my love for her. We’ve been married for almost 20 years.

But she did not hurt you. She hurt herself. I won’t try to imply that this isn’t serious. It is. There is baggage that would come to this relationship. And I suspect she isn’t the perfect woman afterall since you now focus on this particular aspect. I think you found a wart on a projection of the woman you wanted her to be. The wart will never go away. She’s imperfect and human. You need to decide if the wart is worth staring at or can be ignored.