Just the fact that I want to please God and I know what I’m doing is wrong is a step in the right direction. Now the problem is actually pleasing God but I think half the battle is the want to please God and not yourself.
Hi. Hopefully I can offer some helpful advice. I spent something close to a decade of my life addicted to sex, whether it was porn, masturbation, or anything else I could get. Needless to say this did a number to nearly every facet of my life, and the story of my Catholicism is largely told against the backdrop of this kind of sin.
I know where you’re coming from. I’ve been there myself. God can help.
A long time ago I realized the core truth of addictions; reading your posts makes me believe you have grasped it as well. Addictions are a slavery of the self. In other words, your will is made a slavery to the act to which you’re addicted. That we were slaves to sin before Christ cannot be doubted by any man or woman who has known addiction.
Understanding the nature of addiction was all well and good, but it didn’t really help me. It doesn’t help to know you’re not strong enough, because it doesn’t make you stronger to realize that. Like you, in the heat of the battle, I could only rarely reach to God. Satan would come to me and tempt me, often late at night, not letting me rest, wearing me down, haunting me with the abused images of pornography. Only when I went to God could I escape. Often I tried to fight on my own. I lost.
The reality of humanity is that we are weak, not strong. The reality of God is that He is strong, not weak. The only way to conquer an addiction is to love someone stronger than yourself in a way in which you sacrifice yourself and join that strength.
Because addictions are a slavery of the self, a selfish over-riding of the will, love is the necessary component in victory. For Love is self-less. In attaining the truly self-less, we detach that selfish addiction from ourselves and become free. Saying this, however, doesn’t make attaining it easy.
I do not recommend that you try the following, it is more an explanation of what I did, that you might understand the sort of road necessary to conquer your addiction. Everyone I’ve ever told about this has told me it was a very dangerous thing to do. I agree. But as Chesterton would argue, “courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.”
I prayed, consistently, for several years, “Lord make me weak, that I might rest in your strength.”
God made me weak. And then weaker. And finally brought me to the weakest I have ever been. And it was at that point that I could finally surrender, and finally turn over the controls to Him. That was what was needed, to give over myself to Him, to make Him the Head of me. For the sort of Love we need to conquer addiction, the sort of strength we need to not be ruled by selfishness, comes only from Him who is Love and is Strength.
I would say that you understand well the crucial elements of a life of virtue, at least to my eyes you have a solid grip on the essentials. You go to confession, you repent when you fall, you struggle not to fall. These are all excellent things. Continue in them. Be steadfast. But also be courageous. Be ready to die to yourself and live only through Christ, if you can. If you can’t, pray that He help you to do so. You don’t have to pray what I prayed, but if you think it would help you, then do so. But be prepared for real weakness.
Now, concerning your feelings of guilt, I may have some suggestions there as well. First, guilt and shame are in some degree mixed blessing and curse. Curse in that they are dangerous emotions and byproducts of the Fall. Blessing in that they can aid us in helping discourage us from doing those things which produce them. Second, many of the great spiritual writers of Christianity have described their relationship with God in terms of a mountain. I myself am no exception (save in that I am not a great spiritual writer), viewing our approach to holiness as an asymptotic ascent to God. “The weight of shame is such that one cannot lift eyes, nor head, nor heart.”
Such a weight prevents us from mounting the great slope to God. In terms of the Approach, I would say you’ve made great strides in terms of your personal growth in this area. Even a few short steps along the initial Approach result in an enormous distance traveled closer to God. This reality continues until we reach the essential mid point of the journey, and find ourselves transitioning to a steeper ascent. At this point, the weight of shame becomes a burden rather than a blessing, for it is exceedingly difficult to climb to the heights carrying the burden of shame and guilt.
Fortunately, you are well on your way in terms of your discipline with the Sacraments! Confession whenever needful is precisely what is needed in arresting this. Confession keeps us on the slopes, always still climbing, instead of letting us sink into the mire of guilt. While the feelings may remain, remember that feelings are not necessarily true. You may feel guilt, but you are not guilty. Feelings can be enemies and tools of the Enemy. Do not trust them. Trust Christ. All of us have negative feelings at times, we all struggle with them. This is a temptation of the Devil, to give in to these negative feelings and despair of God’s mercy. This is the Enemy’s principle weapon against the graces of Confession. The only “tool” I can offer you is sacrifice. Surrender to God. He will make you as He wills, not as you will. And surround yourself with others who are on the walk to Heaven, encourage and aid each other upon it, particularly in avoidance of occasions of sin.
May God Bless you.
