Problem with son (poor grades and watching porn)

[AgnieszkaPoland]

I am completely new here and I warn everyone that my English is not perfect. Anyway I was reading some posts here for over a year and finally I decided that I could write there about one particular problem.

I am from Poland (Cracow) and I am 49 years old practicing Catholic. I am living alone with my only child (14 yo son) for most of the time since my husband works in England for 9 months of the year. I brought up my son to believe in God and to be praticing catholic as his parents always be. He always participates in Mass with me, we often pray together and read Bible what he really likes. He also did not have any problems at school but few months before holiday something has changed. His attitude at school got worse and he ended second year in gymnasium with very poor grades. I was worried but he promised that he will improve in 3th year. Unfortunately after first month in school I can see that it doesn’t happen and he was playing truant.

What shocked me even more about two weeks ago I found in the browser history that he is looking at porn videos. I was talking with him about chastity and how to treat a woman with respect. His dad has a long conversation with him about sins against chastity just 8 months ago and now I found porn on his computer. Few months ago he started to occupies bathroom for 30 minutes or more (even two times a day) and I was wondering what’s going on. Since I know that he is looking at lustful videos I suppose that he can have a problem with masturbation too.

So now I am stuck and really don’t know what to do. I suppose that long talk with him is a must as well as some punishment for missing school. Anyway I am not sure what kind of actions to take to improve his grades at school effectively and stop him sinning against chastity. Have anyone some ideas ?

 

[mommy_k]

I would certainly hold him accountable for his grades. I tell him that he cannot do an enjoyable activity–such as cellphone texting with friends until the grades are up. I would help him study, and communicate a lot with teachers and check his work daily.

For the computer- I would lock him out-or take away his computer only to be used for homework unitl he earns back trust-

I would see if he made any new friends too-and invite them to meet you. They may be leading him astray. Sometimes when kids have too much time on their hands they get into things. It is very important for him to have activities-sports are good for teens as well as volunteer work–structured activities are important.

 

[cjforJesus]

I am completely new here and I warn everyone that my English is not perfect. Anyway I was reading some posts here for over a year and finally I decided that I could write there about one particular problem.

I am from Poland (Cracow) and I am 49 years old practicing Catholic. I am living alone with my only child (14 yo son) for most of the time since my husband works in England for 9 months of the year. I brought up my son to believe in God and to be praticing catholic as his parents always be. He always participates in Mass with me, we often pray together and read Bible what he really likes. He also did not have any problems at school but few months before holiday something has changed. His attitude at school got worse and he ended second year in gymnasium with very poor grades. I was worried but he promised that he will improve in 3th year. Unfortunately after first month in school I can see that it doesn’t happen and he was playing truant.

What shocked me even more about two weeks ago I found in the browser history that he is looking at porn videos. I was talking with him about chastity and how to treat a woman with respect. His dad has a long conversation with him about sins against chastity just 8 months ago and now I found porn on his computer. Few months ago he started to occupies bathroom for 30 minutes or more (even two times a day) and I was wondering what’s going on. Since I know that he is looking at lustful videos I suppose that he can have a problem with masturbation too.

So now I am stuck and really don’t know what to do. I suppose that long talk with him is a must as well as some punishment for missing school. Anyway I am not sure what kind of actions to take to improve his grades at school effectively and stop him sinning against chastity. Have anyone some ideas ?

I think there are administrative controls on a computer that allow pornography to be blocked. In any case i would limit his computer time.

 

[nodito]

AgnieszkaPoland, welcome to CAF! I visited Cracow a few years ago - beautiful city!

I agree that there need to be consequences for missing school and poor grades. Set up a system and make it very clear from the beginning what the consequences are going to be. Maybe something like: Missing school one day = one day of no cell phone or video games. Test comes back with subpar grades = no weekend outing. Or whatever. On the flip side, you can also try rewarding him for good behavior. If he studies hard and gets an A on a big test, take him out for ice cream and tell him how proud you are of him.

As a separate issue, I would install parental controls on the computer and move it in to a central place, like the kitchen or family room. There should be no computers or TVs in his bedroom. Tell him what you found, say you’re available to talk if he has any questions about sex, but make it clear that he absolutely is not permitted to watch anything over PG-13 on the computer.

As a final note, it’s tough to raise a child alone. Have you considered whether it might be possible to move to England to be with your husband full-time? Your English is really quite good! Or for him to find a new job in Poland? It would be a lot easier to handle all these issues if there were two parents in the home.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

The computer would be in the main living area and only available for his use for homework. Period. The devil has gotten a hold on your son and you must pray mightily for him. His duplicity and shirking of responsibility are sure signs that he is being led astray by the pull of the evil one. Talking to him is good, but prayer and fasting are the solutions for this particular problem. Meanwhile, no privacy for him, no computer use except under supervision. Period. Trust has been broken. Stand firm.

 

[AgnieszkaPoland]

Thank you all for responses and valuable advice. I think that in this situation being too soft on my son could be destructive for his future. I am going to talk with him today in the evening and it’s not going to be pleasant conversation for him.
First of all, there need to be consequences for missing school. So from today everytime he miss school it would equal one day of solid grounding for him. I read somewhere here that grounding according to Dr.Ray means no TV, no video games, no computer, no outings, no friends etc. Only school, home, chores, sleep and church. This time I am going to do it according to Dr.Ray. Secondly, if his grades won’t improve next month I am going to ground him for a week. I know that it sounds strict but it could motivate him to work hard.

If it comes to his chastity issues I will admitt what I’ve found on his computer.
I will also tell him firmly that watching pornography, masturbation or premarital sex are unacceptable in our house. In this case the sentence “my house, my rules” sounds sensible to me.

Most of You said that his computer should be locked and used only for homework or under my supervision. It’s a great advice. So from now on his computer would be in the living room and it would be used only with me sitting next to him.

As Used2beSherryG said “no privacy for him”.
In this case I decided that:

• He would not use cable TV or use computer without my supervision. (he will be able to use TV for video games as a reward for better grades at school.)
• He is going to participate in extra football games at school to keep his body healthy. ( I will be checking his presence)
• He is going to do extra chores at home. Everyday I will prepare a list of chores for him to do just to keep him busy. (I want to see all of them done in the evening)
• His daily schedule from now: school and football games, homework, chores at home, friends and outings from time to time, prayer and go to sleep)
• Maybe it’s too much interference in his prvacy but I also consider timing his showers. At last I pay for hot water on my own.

After setting above rules and conversation with him today I can pray and fast for him and his future. For sure some of You would say that I am going to be too strict for him but I do it for his soul and his sake.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I have a son that age. I’m his mom and if I specifically spoke to him about his “solitary vices”, I’m sure he will wither away and die of embarrassment.

I would speak to him in general about how chastity is holy.That there are sins against chastity.

Does he get to speak with his father by phone or skype or messaging? He would be the one to be more specific.

I know you care about his soul, you are his mother, but I don’t think they have 14 year old boys who would be comfortable discussing his specific practices with their moms.

 

[kaliman]

In addition to what has been said, I would recommend that you talk to your son about chastity in a “cool” way, show him that you are not only upset, but that he can get support from you and being watched is not breaking his privacy but it is for his own good. There are very good resources out there that talk about chastity, I recommend speakers like Matt Fradd chastityproject.com/ and Jesse Romero (radio shows) that talk about this evil topic and provide solutions, I struggled myself from teen to adulthood with this vice, it is not too late for your son to repent, go to confession, pray daily and make things right.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

… He also did not have any problems at school but few months before holiday something has changed. His attitude at school got worse and he ended second year in gymnasium with very poor grades. I was worried but he promised that he will improve in 3th year. Unfortunately after first month in school I can see that it doesn’t happen and he was playing truant. …

I’ve one thing to add - when I reached that stage a problem appeared in my school work. My bright intellect had kept me high flying up to that point. We had not had to write essays and it was mostly rote learning.

About that time problems mounted. Being dyspraxic I couldn’t make experiments work, nor do crafts or PE. (There was no letter requesting an adjustment.) Writing up experiments was too complex for me. I couldn’t write essays. The school punished me and I didn’t tell my parents. When I was 42 I found out about my specific learning differences.

Most families think it brings shame on them that there is a child in their family that has SpLDs. Maybe your husband was brought up by his family to believe this?

If your son is dyspraxic he might need chores adding a few at a time rather than a huge quantity all at once, to give his motor learning a chance. My muscles have constantly been tired, from infancy to this day.

Taking a share in looking after you is manly for him to do.

 

[lax16]

I am completely new here and I warn everyone that my English is not perfect. Anyway I was reading some posts here for over a year and finally I decided that I could write there about one particular problem.

I am from Poland (Cracow) and I am 49 years old practicing Catholic. I am living alone with my only child (14 yo son) for most of the time since my husband works in England for 9 months of the year. I brought up my son to believe in God and to be praticing catholic as his parents always be. He always participates in Mass with me, we often pray together and read Bible what he really likes. He also did not have any problems at school but few months before holiday something has changed. His attitude at school got worse and he ended second year in gymnasium with very poor grades. I was worried but he promised that he will improve in 3th year. Unfortunately after first month in school I can see that it doesn’t happen and he was playing truant.

What shocked me even more about two weeks ago I found in the browser history that he is looking at porn videos. I was talking with him about chastity and how to treat a woman with respect. His dad has a long conversation with him about sins against chastity just 8 months ago and now I found porn on his computer. Few months ago he started to occupies bathroom for 30 minutes or more (even two times a day) and I was wondering what’s going on. Since I know that he is looking at lustful videos I suppose that he can have a problem with masturbation too.

So now I am stuck and really don’t know what to do. I suppose that long talk with him is a must as well as some punishment for missing school. Anyway I am not sure what kind of actions to take to improve his grades at school effectively and stop him sinning against chastity. Have anyone some ideas ?

You have received many good suggestions so far.

The computer must stay on the kitchen table for homework use only. If he doesn’t need the computer for homework, take it away.

Speak in love about his chastity. We never want our kids to feel that they are in a hole and can’t get out. We also don’t want to push our sons to where they will go to a friend’s house and watch it there.

If our teenagers see us, and The Church, as all rules and no love it can lead to them abandoning their faith.

The evil one uses this method to poison our sons and our homes. Tell satan, in a loud voice, to get out of your house!!! Pray, use holy water, whatever you need to do.

We must be ever vigilant on the use of computers with our kids. It is exhausting and annoying but we must not ever give up the fight.

 

[Et_Cetera]

He’s a teenage boy acting like a teenage boy. Don’t beat yourself or himself up over it.

 

[The_Murray]

Thank you all for responses and valuable advice. I think that in this situation being too soft on my son could be destructive for his future. I am going to talk with him today in the evening and it’s not going to be pleasant conversation for him.
First of all, there need to be consequences for missing school. So from today everytime he miss school it would equal one day of solid grounding for him. I read somewhere here that grounding according to Dr.Ray means no TV, no video games, no computer, no outings, no friends etc. Only school, home, chores, sleep and church. This time I am going to do it according to Dr.Ray. Secondly, if his grades won’t improve next month I am going to ground him for a week. I know that it sounds strict but it could motivate him to work hard.

If it comes to his chastity issues I will admitt what I’ve found on his computer.
I will also tell him firmly that watching pornography, masturbation or premarital sex are unacceptable in our house. In this case the sentence “my house, my rules” sounds sensible to me.

Most of You said that his computer should be locked and used only for homework or under my supervision. It’s a great advice. So from now on his computer would be in the living room and it would be used only with me sitting next to him.

As Used2beSherryG said “no privacy for him”.
In this case I decided that:

• He would not use cable TV or use computer without my supervision. (he will be able to use TV for video games as a reward for better grades at school.)
• He is going to participate in extra football games at school to keep his body healthy. ( I will be checking his presence)
• He is going to do extra chores at home. Everyday I will prepare a list of chores for him to do just to keep him busy. (I want to see all of them done in the evening)
• His daily schedule from now: school and football games, homework, chores at home, friends and outings from time to time, prayer and go to sleep)
• Maybe it’s too much interference in his prvacy but I also consider timing his showers. At last I pay for hot water on my own.

After setting above rules and conversation with him today I can pray and fast for him and his future. For sure some of You would say that I am going to be too strict for him but I do it for his soul and his sake.

Speaking from experience, an idle mind is the devils workshop. It’s good you’ve gotten him involved in a lot of extracurriculars along with a structured day plan.

I don’t think you’re being too strict at all. Few parents actually put any restraints on their kids and that’s what turns them rebellious.