Problem with wife talking to another man

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Travis88 said:
Here’s an update. This morning my wife got up at 5:50. she NEVER does this. So i get up too and we talk about stuff for about an hour. I go running at 6:45 and come back at 7:15. Lo and behold she talking online with this guy at 7:15 in the freaking morning. I go iron a shirt and she comes and asks whats wrong. I tell her and its the same song and dance, “I’m not going to try to beat it into your brain that we’re just friends.”

I think what bugs me most is she totally does not care about me in this situation. I mean, heaven forbid I am being so unreasonable as to ask her to stop talking to another man. But, she does not care and continues to do it. The funny thing is I came home last night after going out with some friends and she was upset because I forgot to call her to let her know when I would be home. I acknowledged my screw up and apologized profusely. She told me it felt like I didn’t care about her because I didn’t call and she was rightfully hurt. Hmmmm, now the shoe is on the other foot but the fact that she does not care about me is ok I suppose.

I am sooooooooo mad!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
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I hope no one judges me for this but I’ve lived through what this man is living and much, much worse.

There is one way to definitely know what she and this man are doing online…

spectorsoft.com/products/eBlaster_Windows/
 
Just friends? I am very sorry, but this just doesn’t sound good at all, no way would she need to be in this type of constant contact with him if they are just friends. I would seriously lay down some ultimatums, ask her if she realizes that this is making you doubt your marriage, ask her if she is even thinking about what this could do to your children and the hurt this could cause them if their parents separate, she is acting like a little child, it is time for her to grow up and step up to the big world, heck, I’ve been married for 14 years and had my first child when I was 19, I have four kids and life isn’t always what I thought it would be and many times it is not one bit exciting and sometimes quite boring, but my marriage and my children are my priorities and I would never do anything to jeopardize that even if things are not as “thrilling and exciting” as they were when hubby and I were dating… I think your wife just likes that excited feeling of courtship but what she doesn’t realize is that no matter what, that feeling goes away and even if God forbid she left you and ended up with this guy, that feeling would go away, you would always have to be meeting the next guy to keep that feeling of excitement. I think she is being selfish and she doesn’t realize the huge consequences that could come with this and if it continues I would make it clear that you won’t just let this happen and you won’t just let her leave and take your kids either, sometimes people need a big reality check, if she has so much time on her hands to sit and chat online, maybe she needs to get a job and keep her good and busy so she doesn’t have this time on her hands and mind… sounds like the devils playground, I hope none of this comes to pass but I think you need to really, really watch this close, this is totally not ok behavior and I would tell her that and tell her if it doesn’t stop right now you want to go together to see your priest, he can tell her how wrong this is and hopefully show her what dangerous moral grounds she is treading on.

Good Luck
 
How about canceling your internet and cell phone service? Or take the modem with you to work. She is acting so childish, and she deserves to be treated as a child in return. Well, maybe that’s not really the best way to go. But I feel so mad for you!

Why is it OK for her to dismiss your feelings, but yet her feelings are all-important? She said that you just have to “deal with it” with regards to you not liking her talking to him. Well, it’s time for her to deal with it and not talk to him anymore. Even if he were her dad or brother, if it is causing problems in the marriage, that needs to go. It could be flirting with this guy or gossipping with her mom. If it makes her husband feel like the lowest spot on the totem pole, it has to be cut out. She needs to put God first, and husband second.

Has she agreed to do a Retrouvaille session?

What does the guy think about her new pregnancy? I am tempted to hope she gets the worst morning sickness she’s ever had.
 
Travis88 -

Your wife should be talking to you about daily stuff, not this other man. So, this tells me that it’s possible that she feels like you don’t take the time to talk to her. If I have to guess (and please don’t get upset with me) she’s home all day, being pregger with #3, she may be experiencing some depression, you work all day long (again not blaming or making excuses)…she’s lonely.

Let’s think here, … I imagine that you see her as a strong woman, she can handle anything, but I bet she’s getting down, experiencing some burn out.

This other man is giving her attention. Bottom line. It’s time for you to start giving her that attention that she’s getting from him.

Do you or can you call her during the day? Can you set up yourself on IM, where she can talk to you during the day?

Please know, I’m not making excuses or even blaming, I just know (more than likely) how she’s feeling. No, it’s not right, but it is real.

If I can help, PM me.
 
I don’t recommend taking away the modem or canceling the cell phone service. That’s a little bit too controlling and is not a way to get the two of you any closer. Plus, it would be taking away her free will to choose not to talk to this guy, and that is no way to live.

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is to insist that she join you in reality. She is headed down a path that will lead to nowhere good. I mean, there is absolutely no possible good that can come of it. Ask her what she wants out of life, what choices she wants to make, and how developing a relationship with this guy is going to help her get there. She is in a fantasy world right now and needs to see the real harm this illusion is causing to real lives. She needs to know that choosing to continue this relationship will have consequences.

In all reality, if she thinks that she has a good marriage that she wants to keep, I can’t imagine that she would really and freely choose to continue with this guy. She just needs to know that she has a real choice to make and that it really is an either/or situation.
 
dulcissima said:
I don’t recommend taking away the modem or canceling the cell phone service. That’s a little bit too controlling and is not a way to get the two of you any closer. Plus, it would be taking away her free will to choose not to talk to this guy, and that is no way to live.
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But just think–if a husband had an internet porn problem, canceling the internet service would be a reasonable request for the wife. An emotional affair (which this sounds like it is) can be every bit as damaging to a marriage and a person’s soul as porn. But somehow we don’t want to “Take away her control”. If she really wanted to still talk to the guy she could use the home line or go to the library to use the computer. Just as a man with a porn problem could still go out and buy Playboy. But the main source of the temptation would be gone.

The biggest problem here is that the wife is not admitting that there is anything wrong with what she’s doing. This is similar to a husband with a porn addiction saying that it’s just “normal guy behavior” to look at that stuff. Until people realize that what they’re doing is wrong, they have no true motivation to change.

I don’t know if this is a good idea or not (I’m thinking not really), but you could download a virus to your computer so that she can’t get online. I know some people would say that’s beeing too controlling. But that way you remove her internet access without looking like the bad guy. I’m just brainstorming here 🙂
 
CatholicSam said:
I don’t know if this is a good idea or not (I’m thinking not really), but you could download a virus to your computer so that she can’t get online. I know some people would say that’s beeing too controlling. But that way you remove her internet access without looking like the bad guy. I’m just brainstorming here 🙂
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This is a bad idea. Trying to “not look like the bad guy” by doing something deceptive like download a virus to a computer to disable internet access is building a relationship on a lie.
 
Travis88 said:
Here’s an update. This morning my wife got up at 5:50. she NEVER does this. So i get up too and we talk about stuff for about an hour. I go running at 6:45 and come back at 7:15. Lo and behold she talking online with this guy at 7:15 in the freaking morning. I go iron a shirt and she comes and asks whats wrong. I tell her and its the same song and dance, “I’m not going to try to beat it into your brain that we’re just friends.”

I think what bugs me most is she totally does not care about me in this situation. I mean, heaven forbid I am being so unreasonable as to ask her to stop talking to another man. But, she does not care and continues to do it. The funny thing is I came home last night after going out with some friends and she was upset because I forgot to call her to let her know when I would be home. I acknowledged my screw up and apologized profusely. She told me it felt like I didn’t care about her because I didn’t call and she was rightfully hurt. Hmmmm, now the shoe is on the other foot but the fact that she does not care about me is ok I suppose.

I am sooooooooo mad!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
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And you have every right to be.

I had a female friend (strictly friends) that my wife hates. My wife thinks my friend has an unhealthy attachment to me. I’m not sure if she is correct, but I have stopped seeing this friend (occasional e-mails only) strictly because she bothers my wife.

Your wife should stop contacting this man (and her interaction is much more serious) strictly because it bothers you.

As cold as it may seems, maybe she needs to feel a little hurt to understand what you are going through.

Don’t back down an inch, continue to communicate that her actions are inappropriate.

May God Bless you
 
Maybe you should keep an open log of every time you see her talking to him. And let her know. Then tell her while she’s on the phone to let him know that you’re keeping tabs. Then tell her that if the friendship becomes physical, or he lures her away, you will sue him for alienation of affections. And you are documenting things now.

If he’s been through a divorce, the last thing he wants is to mess with attorneys. (Or maybe he’s so bitter about things, this is his way of getting back at attorneys in general.)

Just leave sticky notes around listing times and dates. Let her know you’re keeping tabs on her phone and computer activities. And there will be dire legal complications for him as a correspondent if this leads to a divorce.

Just the idea that you were out jogging and the sun was barely up and she was online with him is a huge flashing red light.

I’m sure she’s not online with her female friends this often. Again, he’s NOT just a friend.

Maybe it’s time to do a background search on this guy. I’m sure his divorce records are open record in his local courthouse. Maybe it’s time to find out the truth about this guy via a quick chat with a records clerk 1000 miles away. He’s divorced. He’s hitting on a married woman. I’m sure he’s not squeaky clean. Maybe time to let your wife know the truth about her “friend.”
 
Well, if nothing else, you guys have certainly firmed up my conviction about this issue. I really appreciate all the support and encouragement. I’m not sure an ultimatum at this point will work. she does not respond well to that. I think I will just gently but continually remind her that I think its wrong.

we don’t have a land line so when the cell phone bill comes in I will be able to see every call to and from him and every text message to and from him. That will probably give me some ammo too.

Unfortunately, alienation of affections is no longer a recognized cause of action in Louisiana (where we live). Don’t think I would love nothing more than to sue his butt. Maybe it exists in his home state. Kinda impractical to sue someone so far away though.

Oh yeah, taking the modem and cell phone would not be good. She would be seriously mad. That would just make it worse. The problem here is she is not thinking rationally about this. I have to win this war with her mind.

Thanks again everyone. I’ll keep you updated.
 
Boy, your wife is really treating you badly, and her kids. And she’s putting the beautiful and amazing treasure of her life in danger.

But I am just dying to find out why. I mean, do you really think her intrapersonal conversation is positive right now? Do you really think she doesn’t know how badly she is hurting you? I bet she feels confused, empty, lost, torn and who knows what. Why would a person risk everything…her kids, her husband, her faith, her reputation…just to talk to a guy at 7AM in the morning?

I’ve been interested in fidelity issues for the last couple of months after watching a fellow coworker in a similar situation. It just makes me wonder…is this a sign that they weren’t “meant to be?” I got to see a different view from the typical bashing…I got to be a confidante for this woman as she went from meeting, befriending, falling in love and finally cheating with another guy. Her internal pain and anguish was unbearable to hear. And it wasn’t just from being with the guy…it was from the empty and lonely marriage as well.

There has got to be an answer to this…just telling her to buckle up and try harder is ridiculous, even if she is being slimy right now.

P.S. The original post mentions a one month timeline but that is ludicrous. Whatever has caused this woman to feel detached from her husband has probably taken years.
 
I’m going to be a hardliner on this one. I don’t care how empty or lonely a marriage is. I win the prize on that one. But that is NEVER an excuse to establish emotional intimacy with someone else. Especially when children are involved. They don’t care if mommy or daddy feels unfulfilled. Really. Last thing on their little minds, God bless them. But they WILL care if their home is torn apart and they are sent into the tortuous back and forth visitation schedule that ruined my children’s innocence and childhoods.

Lonely is no excuse. Needing attention is no excuse. Would you all give a woman whose husband was overseas in a war zone any kind of sympathy for deciding she deserved the attention of an old friend? When you make marriage vows, you vow to forsake all others till death do you part. Not till you feel lonely and unappreciated.

And this isn’t a husband who is so busy with his side cookie that he doesn’t care what his wife is doing. This is a man who wants her to turn that attention on HIM. It’s a woman who presumes to get up in front of others and present church teaching on marriage.

Seriously. I’d turn in my badge as a presenting couple on that one. And tell the wife why.

Hasiklee, there are many people who see the pain they cause, and it hardly bothers them at all. In fact, in my own case, it caused my xh to become more cruel to me. My being upset over his behavior enraged him, and he’d rant at me that I needed to be on medication and I was crazy because I was crying all the time.

Travis, I’m sure if you get the bill and it shows damaging info, you won’t wave it in front of her face. She’ll just go to WalMart and buy a little Tracfone and have her own personal line you have no clue about.

Seriously… do your due diligence on Don Juan. I’m sure there are some smoking guns. I know from personal experience that some men develop long-distance relationships because the women close by can check up on them more easily. I hope your job doesn’t require you to travel, because I wouldn’t trust that the minute you were wheels up, someone else wouldn’t be coming into town for a visit.
 
While there is nothing that ever justifies an affair, it is still prudent for the other spouse to refelct on whether or not there are any deficiencies in the marriage that need to be addressed. It’s not always a matter or blame, but rather of fixing what can be fixed.

I think the OP seems like he has a good understanding of the situation and is handling it in a very reasonable manner. Keeping in mind that his wife is pregnant, I think the approach that he is taking is best.
 
OK, lets hope things work out. But, you’re a lawyer – you know sometimes things don’t work out. May I suggest you start protecting yourself. Start gathering information you might need if you wind up in court. I don’t know what state your in, but maybe phone records, personal notes about discussions, etc., will be valuable. Think carefully about big transactions like cars, refinancing mortgages, etc.

Also, I don’t know if this applies, but I had a friend in a similar situation. He suspected his wife was having an affair with his best friend. He invited the guy over for a drink and while the three of them were sitting on the deck he said, “OK, there she is. If you want her, take her, but the house, money, cars, and boat stay with me.” He (and she) haven’t seen the guy since.

Your family seems to be very important to you, as it should be. It’s under attack, it’s time to strike back against this jerk. Is he married? Does his wife know about the “friendship”? Maybe she should. You should certainly discuss the situation with him. Your wife will find out and be furious. That’s great. Strength of a marriage is sometimes increased by fire.

Being a loving husband and trying to save your marriage doesn’t mean being a stooge. Remember your actions now will shape your marriage for the next ~50 years.

God bless you and your family. I’ll be praying for you.
 
Ramalama said:
Strength of a marriage is sometimes increased by fire.

Being a loving husband and trying to save your marriage doesn’t mean being a stooge. Remember your actions now will shape your marriage for the next ~50 years.
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In your posts, the come across as a bit timid - your wife may be telling you she wants to have her man stand up and be strong. We want a knight in shining armour to fight for us. To draw a line in the sand and say “you are not going to take my wife and my family without a fight”. We need to be a prize, and see our children are prized too - especially when we are feeling frumpy an pregnant and like I will never get the smell of baby puke out of my hair or wear those cute jeans again.

I stick by my earlier suggestion that you state that she needs to introduce you to the man, this shows that you are not intimidated by this blast from the past.

One other thing - going out with your friends while leaving her at home is like tossing gas on a housefire right now. BAD idea. Make that one up to her ASAP.
 
Travis, I think your wife still cares for you, if she tells you off for not letting her know you’d be home late. I don’t think it comes down to just a couple of egoistic factors. It looks like she believes they’re just friends, but the kind of effect he seems to have on her must be frustrating to you, which I understand. I don’t think that kind of effect is healthy at all. I mean, maybe, just maybe, some normal woman wakes up early in the morning to chat to some normal man, but it looks a bit like an addictive effect. Perhaps he’s a bad boy. I don’t mean to say he’s evil or something, “bad boy” as in the cliche. I suppose they’re able to work on a woman like that, while most good boys wouldn’t even want to. At any rate, it’s possible he’s using the situation. It’s obviously also possible he doesn’t know what’s going on on the other side, but I wouldn’t bet my last money on that. I’ve seen such Internet friendships and “harmless flirting” and I can’t say they lead to good things.
 
kage_ar said:
In your posts, the come across as a bit timid - your wife may be telling you she wants to have her man stand up and be strong. We want a knight in shining armour to fight for us. To draw a line in the sand and say “you are not going to take my wife and my family without a fight”. We need to be a prize, and see our children are prized too - especially when we are feeling frumpy an pregnant and like I will never get the smell of baby puke out of my hair or wear those cute jeans again.
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I don’t think she would be consciously and on purpose telling just that by saying, “we’re just friends,” and insisting she isn’t doing anything wrong because the actions aren’t wrong, rather than claiming she just deserves the attention. Subconsciously yes, she might be saying she wants to be fought for, but that would be it.
 
Speaking more charitably, your wife seems to be very unhappy. The fact she spends so much time talking to someone else means that for some reason she feels she can’t communicate honestly with you. Unfortunately, you can’t fix a problem until you can see it for what it is, confront it and work it through, together.

From my own experience, my guess is you are both on some level avoiding whatever issue/s need to be dealt with. You have three possible outcomes: 1, You will address your problems and resolve them and stay together. 2, You will address your problems and find you can’t resolve them and separate, or 3, You will remain in a No Man’s land until one of you finds the courage to end the stalemate and leave.

Number one is the scariest, and with the most reward. Number two is the toughest, but you can find strength you never knew you had. Number three is the easiest path, but it’s the most soul-destroying. God be with you.
 
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