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johntom13

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I am not entirely sure this is the right forum to put this in, but it seemed to fit the best.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 and a half years, and we would like to get married. We try to work out our differences, but the one thing we have never been able to completely work out is our religious difference. I am catholic, and she is Baptist. Both of us have no intention of changing religion. Is there anything anyone can suggest to help us find a solution? Also, how can this affect our future?
 
You need to think long term here. Any differences you and your girlfriend have now will only exacerbate with time.

If you are both very clear on not changing religions, how do you see your future?

I see constant struggles over religious differences, resentment, a sense of not being fully united, and MOST OF ALL, I see huge problems for your future children. I believe I’ve read stats that say that children who grow up in a religiously divided home end up not practicing any religion at all.

And that makes sense to me. If our religion is the focus of our lives, how can there be more than one? As Catholics, we acknowledge that we have the fullness of the Truth. Are you going to tell your future children that mommy just isn’t right? I can’t see that being good for your family. Are you going to say you are both right? I can’t see that being good for their souls.

You are in a tough spot I’m sorry to say. You are at a crossroads where you need to decide what takes priority in your life. Pray pray pray!

Malia
 
It can affect you seriously. You must get a despensation to marry outside of the Catholic Church, and you’re not supposed to be allowed a dispensation unless you still agree to raise your children Catholic and be open to life (i.e.: not use artificial birth control). Also the Catholic Faith and the Baptist Faith are very different on many theological points. This would be a difficult compromise. I suggest you think about how important your faith is, and if it is more important than your girlfriend. This certainly is something to pray about.
 
I can tell you from personal experience that it’s extremely painful to be married to someone not of the faith. I strongly advise against it.
 
The first thing you need to do is keep praying, it is very hard especially if both parties are practicing their faith. Another thing to consider is how you will raise the children I believe as a catholic it isn’t an option. So you really need to have this discussion with your girlfriend and get a sense as to where she is on that. My heart goes out to you it is very hard to make a choice like this in today’s world and I admire your concern, because it says that God is center in your life so keep praying and trust Him he will lead you where you need to be.

God Bless and I hope things turn out the way that God intends

Kathleen
 
you’re both Christians correct?

You both believe in Jesus correct?

You both love each other correct?

if you’ve lasted over 2yrs with different religion most likely you’ll last some more correct?

if so far most of your answers were yes than marry here! you have the same God what difference does it make how you choose to worship him … It might be more difficult if one was muslim and the other jewish or one christian and the other athiest but you guys are both Christian … sorry if i sound a bit abnoxious about it but it upsets me when people hang on such trivial things when that time could be used for something much useful like actually going out there together with your girlfriend and acting like a ‘Christian’ together, like volunteering a homeless shelter or something of the sort
 
Please consider your future family’s unity so that you can actively share the fullness of your faith together. Think how blessed it would be to share Holy Communion with your spouse. Having a spouse outside of the Catholic church will not allow you and your spouse to share in this beautiful gift from our Lord together.

Overall, there may be underlying tensions regarding religion.

Will she attend RCIA with you, at least to check things out?
What are her objections to converting?
Would she be willing to reading the book Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic?

Blessings.
 
John:

The problem doesn’t arise on the big major issues. It’s the small ones that will create the tension. When Christianity split there became the relativism of vices and virtues.

It’s like two different operating systems of computers trying to network. Different language will equate to differing values and priorities.

If she’s open to RCIA keep going…but I have seen personally how fragile marriages become with two different faith systems.

My wife is a convert. We had the same issues coming in. But the grace of God allowed her to open up.

in XT.
 
Hi, JohnTom,

I’m currently married to a Baptist, and boy can it be tough! It seems as though if she would agree to raise the children Catholic, you may proceed. It is my experience, however, that this is a tough sell. There are a lot of emotional roadblocks for fundamentalists that can really hamper things. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t marry her. It could quite likely be the case that you should. I am saying that it should be clear in both of your minds how the children will be raised.

As for the Baptist/Catholic marriage…it can be done, as long as there is selfless love. We go to Mass on Saturday nights and then service on Sunday mornings. We don’t miss either.

I believe that it was God’s will that the two of us were to marry (I have several reasons for thinking this, including JPII’s “new evangelization”). Because of her, my “lapsed Catholic” self found that artificial birth control was a moral wrong (that’s right - *she *brought me to NFP). Her questions brought me back to my faith, and now God has a faithful Catholic in our family. We now have a 2 month old child, and we’re working on how he will be raised. Currently, the jury is out but she’s leaning toward Catholic. Again, it’s a tough sell. Because I was “away from the Church” when we were married, we’re now working to get our marriage recognized by the Church. Some of this is quite difficult for non-Catholics to understand.

Here’s my advice - DON’T FORCE HER HAND!!! If you say, “convert or it’s over,” it will be over. If you make her choose between God and you, you’ll lose. Take my word on it. So what can you do? Pray, pray, pray! Take it to mom - say your Rosary! Pray that your gf will be open to the truth. Pray that God will shower grace upon her. Pray that you will make the right decision, and will be led in your conversations by the Holy Spirit.

If you would like to talk further, feel free to PM me.

God Bless,
RyanL
 
OH! Would your girlfriend be willing to get online and talk with us about the things she thinks are “un-Scriptural” about the Catholic Church? You might let her know that there’s a Catholic you ran into here (me) who thinks that every doctrine of the Church can be shown biblically. Might be a fun challenge!

Good luck, and God Bless,
RyanL
 
OH! Would your girlfriend be willing to get online and talk with us about the things she thinks are “un-Scriptural” about the Catholic Church? You might let her know that there’s a Catholic you ran into here (me) who thinks that every doctrine of the Church can be shown biblically. Might be a fun challenge!
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I don’t think that would be a great idea, but thank you for offering. I don’t want to pressure her at all, because it is her right to be whatever religion she wants. She does show intrest in the Catholic faith, and she says she will be willing to learn more about it. When we have some time to spare, we will probably attend classes so she can learn, and I can pick up some new material.

Lately, my parish has picked up a priest that likes answering questions and helping people understand things better. He definatly knows his way around the Bible! I hope to have her meet him, and maybe ask some questions she has.
 
Forgot to add: Thank you to those who posted supportive things.

She is definatly willing to attend RCIA and learn all she can. Her reasons for not converting mainly evolve around the general reaosn “Why convert from something I believe in, to something I don’t?”.
 
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johntom13:
Forgot to add: Thank you to those who posted supportive things.

She is definatly willing to attend RCIA and learn all she can. Her reasons for not converting mainly evolve around the general reaosn “Why convert from something I believe in, to something I don’t?”.
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Well that is good news…sorry if I didn’t post “supportive things” but I was just trying to give you some food for thought.

I was the non-Catholic in a mixed faith relationship. By the grace of God I converted with the patient support of my husband. But we both agree that we should NOT have married until that happened.

Continue to explore this with your gf. If she is open to RCIA then there is definitely hope! But please don’t rush into marriage. It really can’t hurt to wait until issues of faith are more stable. But if you do marry without that reassurance, things are more likely to get worse, not better. Of course there are mixed faith marriages that work…but it is not the norm.

And as a convert, be patient with your gf…but be firm in your beliefs. It was my hubby’s patient but unwavering belief that put me on the road “home”. Good luck!

Malia
 
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luna:
you’re both Christians correct?

You both believe in Jesus correct?

You both love each other correct?

if you’ve lasted over 2yrs with different religion most likely you’ll last some more correct?

if so far most of your answers were yes than marry here! you have the same God what difference does it make how you choose to worship him … It might be more difficult if one was muslim and the other jewish or one christian and the other athiest but you guys are both Christian … sorry if i sound a bit abnoxious about it but it upsets me when people hang on such trivial things when that time could be used for something much useful like actually going out there together with your girlfriend and acting like a ‘Christian’ together, like volunteering a homeless shelter or something of the sort
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Sad to say that many,if not majority of Baptists believe that Catholics are not Christians and that the Pope is the anti-Christ.I based this knowledge from Baptists I know,including family members.
 
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silvano:
Sad to say that many,if not majority of Baptists believe that Catholics are not Christians and that the Pope is the anti-Christ.I based this knowledge from Baptists I know,including family members.
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She does’t believe that.
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RyanL:
We go to Mass on Saturday nights and then service on Sunday mornings. We don’t miss either.
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Sounds similar to the solution we came up with after dicussing this problem for about 15 minutes. We decided for now, we will both attend Mass and service.

I am seeing many people saying this isn’t a good idea. I know it can be hard, but the object is to eventually marry her, with this difference or not. I will not force her to convert, and I will never leave her. There is still plenty of time before we get married, about a year and a half until we can. We don’t know how long we will want to wait after that. We both believe in Jesus, we both love each other very much, and we both have the ability to work out our problems. I am still open to suggestions on how to make working this out with her less difficult (not that she is difficult, but this is a difficult and very sensitive problem). 🙂
 
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johntom13:
I am seeing many people saying this isn’t a good idea.

Mostly from people who have been through similar situations or seen them first hand. Unfortunately, there are more stories of real difficulties than happy endings…that is just a fact.

I know it can be hard, but the object is to eventually marry her, with this difference or not.

If you both have the same goal, and both believe that marriage is a sacrament that is forever, then you are off to a great start (better than some Catholic couples I know)

I will not force her to convert, and I will never leave her. There is still plenty of time before we get married, about a year and a half until we can.

A year and a half is a long time and should give you plenty of time to find a solution to your problem.

We don’t know how long we will want to wait after that. We both believe in Jesus, we both love each other very much, and we both have the ability to work out our problems.

That is also a great start.

I am still open to suggestions on how to make working this out with her less difficult (not that she is difficult, but this is a difficult and very sensitive problem). 🙂

Well, you both need to be open to eachothers suggestions. Find some good books on Catholicism and the Baptist denomination. Stay away from the “anti” books though.

Then get some books on marriage (especially on marriages of mixed faith).

Learn learn learn!

Ask yourselves the tough questions (the kind that no young couple in love want to deal with…)

While it is good to focus on the similarities between you (both believe in Jesus, both love eachother, both able to work out problems…) you also need to address your differences.

What church do you each want to be married in and why?

What faith do you want to raise your children in and how?

What happens if one of you changes your mind down the road?

What are each of your views on divorce?

You don’t need to answer these questions here…discuss them with your gf. If you are both committed to making this relationship work and both want a great marriage then that is what you can have!

And keep posting questions on the forum. There are so many great people here and such diversity…you will get advice and opinions you like and ones you don’t…but they will all make you think and hopefully help in some small way to help you do God’s will.

Malia
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Thanks for the exceptionally supportive reply. That was very helpful 🙂
 
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