Problems between my parents and my fiancé

[Miserissima]

Sorry…it took me a while to get back to my computer, so I can (hopefully) be a little more clear.

After a quick re-read, I see that I did indeed miss where you said, “he’s not a practicing Catholic anymore (although he was baptized),” I apologize.

Also, as much as they refuse to admit it, my fiancé and my mother and very much alike - stubborn, refusing to listen to reason, always wanting their way, and never wanting anyone to tell them what to do.

and

(he has a bad temper, same as [she]), I love them both dearly but it can be a challenge sometimes. Aside from this, though, I’m close with my mother, and my fiancé and I have a great relationship and I love him very much

Sounds like you’re good at making lemonade from lemons. Do you REALLY want a carbon copy of your mother in your spouse? How can you say that you are, “close with [your] mother” when you took off back to Europe with little to chance at reconciliation in over half of a year?

Additionally, how much does this affect what you call a “great relationship” with your fiance?" How does the situation you’re in constitute a “great relationship?”

He knows I don’t agree with the way he acted, and it has hurt our relationship… but I also try to remind myself that when I agreed to marry him I didn’t make the decision lightly… I said yes because I love him… all of him - not just the parts that are easy to love.

I understand that you love the whole person – both the good and the not-so-good. However, your description of his negative qualities (and their effect on your relationship with your family) aren’t qualities you should accept from anyone except, perhaps, your parents (out of filial loyalty). You have dignity as a human being and need not subject yourself abusive situations from either side: either parents or the person with whom you are in a relationship.

He knows I don’t agree with the way he acted, and it has hurt our relationship… but I also try to remind myself that when I agreed to marry him I didn’t make the decision lightly… I said yes because I love him… all of him - not just the parts that are easy to love.

Your agreement is not binding. It isn’t the same as being married, though you may feel or act as if you are married. If you say yes because of love alone, please give more thought to the practical aspects of getting married: security, stability, what you get as well as what you give, similar interests and socioecinomic background, being free from trying to make sure that you have to make everything nice for your spouse so that he doesn’t lose his temper, the ability to finesse and calm a situation rather than antagonizing it, and never, ever having to choose between one’s biological family and one’s married family.

The religious issues between us are something we’ve talked a lot about and worked out together, but my parents don’t agree and are offended by it.

Sounds like you don’t want them in ‘your business,’ though they put up both of you for a while. What have you and your fiance ‘worked out?’

 

[ac_claire]

I think a lot of people who are responding here haven’t really read the OP’s posts thoroughly. She is not currently still living with her parents. That’s what she and her fiance *were *doing when her mom and fiance had the big blow-up. And her fiance wasn’t violent with her mother…he yelled and swore at her, and mom hit him. And he did apologize to her, but she refused to accept his apology.

In any case, I think that your mother does sound very unreasonable and uncontrolling, although I’m sure she just loves you and is concerned about your future. *If *this were definitely the right guy for you, then I would say to go ahead and get married without your parents being there. You want them to be a part of the wedding and the marriage-- it’s *they *who are digging their heels in and refusing to make peace. It’s completely unreasonable for your mom to expect multiple apologies (“in person” no less, when you’re not even living in the same country right now!).

However, having said that about your parents and their involvement…I think you should really think about whether this man is the right one for you in any case. There are some serious red flags in your posts. First of all, he’s not a practicing Catholic. That alone would be a deal-breaker for me. Also, you say you’re living in Europe now, alone with him? Does that mean you’re co-habitating? Have the two of you been chaste over the past nine years of being a couple? Just sounds like this is not exactly the best foundation for a good marriage.

I would remove your parents from the equation for the time being. Put them out of your mind and spend some serious time in prayer to discern whether or not this is the person you should be marrying after all. I’ve found that, for me, praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament is really effective in situations like this where I’m just torn and don’t know which way I should go.

 

[puzzleannie]

Just to clarify a few things…

When I meant “private time”, I didn’t mean for sex, I just meant to watch a movie or play video games together or whatever else… It’s important that we do things as a couple, I think it brings us closer, without having parents (or even friends) getting in the way and being around ALL THE TIME. I’m 30 years old… I need some space. I.

It it is important for you to spend your time with your fiance and have your own space together, then get married and move out of your parents’ house. end of story. Even if you were not engaged, if living at home is not for you and you need your personal space, get your own place. End of story.

 

[Tietjen]

Here’s another observation that I have found to be usually factual… Italian mothers who become grandmothers will not distance themselves from the parents of their grandbabies. Regardless how your mom feels today, she will come around by the time there is a bambino scampering about.

 

[ac_claire]

It it is important for you to spend your time with your fiance and have your own space together, then get married and move out of your parents’ house. end of story. Even if you were not engaged, if living at home is not for you and you need your personal space, get your own place. End of story.

The OP and her fiance are no longer living with her parents. They do live on their own now, in a different country.

 

[joandarc2008]

I think both sides were wrong. Your fiance did the best he could which was apologize - now time to make hay so to speak. My in–laws came around for me when they realized my husband would choose me if put in the middle.

The other main issue I see that needs to be addressed immediately is the fact that your dear fiance is nonpracticing. This is something you and he need to look into and have a long talk about. How will he be the spiritual head of your household. How will he assist in raising your children. How does he feel about NFP? How will your chldren feel about him not attending mass and taking Eucharist? This is the biggest issues - it even trumps the issue with your mother.

 

[Apollos]

I think both sides were wrong. Your fiance did the best he could which was apologize - now time to make hay so to speak. My in–laws came around for me when they realized my husband would choose me if put in the middle.

In other words, order was restored the moment the man obeyed Natural Law:

[bibledrb]Matthew 19:4-6[/bibledrb]

 

[antonyfatima]

Just to clarify a few things…

When I meant “private time”, I didn’t mean for sex, I just meant to watch a movie or play video games together or whatever else… It’s important that we do things as a couple, I think it brings us closer, without having parents (or even friends) getting in the way and being around ALL THE TIME. I’m 30 years old… I need some space. I didn’t care if they were still in the house, I just didn’t want to be in the same room. After being forced to be so incredibly independent while living overseas, it was really hard to have people around me all the time. My parents would get angry if we didn’t want to watch TV with them all the time (because we didn’t like the shows) or go shopping or do whatever else with them as a family. We saw them constantly and did a lot of things together, but we needed time away from them too! Thing is, we had nowhere to go. It’s hard living away from your parents for years, and then moving back into their house and drastically altering your life.

And we’ve been together nine years because we started dating just as I was entering university (where I was for five years), and then we started to save our money and got engaged a year and a half ago. So there aren’t really any commitment issues here, just bad timing and trying to plan for our future. I’m okay with the length of time, that doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t ready to get married before - I wanted to establish myself independently first. I never had a chance to before then. And I wanted to make sure that he was the person I wanted to be with, which I now am certain that he is. Too many people rush into marriage. I don’t know many people who regretted waiting so long before getting married, but I know plenty of people who wished they HAD waited longer. Many of my friends are divorced and they’re my age.

We respected the “their house, their rules” idea, that’s fine. That was never a problem. But my mother is the type of person who gets angry at the smallest thing… then it’s not a rule… unless the rule is “my way or the highway”. She gets angry when we don’t have the lights on bright enough, or if we don’t clear our plates the second we’re done eating, or if we’re not sitting in the proper place on the sofa… These, I think, are totally unreasonable things to get angry about. And when I say “get angry”, I’m seriously talking about screaming at us until she gets her way. I love my parents and I really appreciated them taking us in, but we’re not five years old.

Yes, my fiance has a temper, and I never said that what he did was in any way okay with me… It’s appauling. He knows I don’t agree with the way he acted, and it has hurt our relationship… but I also try to remind myself that when I agreed to marry him I didn’t make the decision lightly… I said yes because I love him… all of him - not just the parts that are easy to love.

you and your fiance must think first about yourself about marriage and living ,why you want to cling with your mother ,don’t you have confidence enough with him? ,how long you are going to take to get married, Is it not sin living together without marriage? And also pray to the HOLY FAMILY for your desired longings ,don’t get upset yourself,be bold .Pray with Faith for your would be and to your mother, O HOLY MOTHER please help them.Amen

 

[saralee1978]

Have you had any premarital counseling? It might be good to have a professional work with you and your fiance before you get married and be sure this is the right path for you. Having kids is wonderful, but don’t expect it to make things better, it usually brings up more issues that you have to navigate with your husband. Check out counseling through your church. You could also go to the site divorcebusting.com (a site I found on Retrovaille)…they also do premarital counseling (over the phone!) very convenient. Good luck!

 

[Sheeniac]

I haven’t a clue as to what you should do, but I do want to address one thing a few people are focusing on: alone time.

I can 100% agree. I am a very private person, and my family has always respected that - my mother is the same way. I don’t think it is unreasonable for the two of you to want to hang out together without someone always being there. I couldn’t handle it.

It sounds like your parents are not respectful of boundaries (regardless of whose house it is).

I do agree that talking to your father would be best. I’m assuming that your fiance lost his temper, which is regrettable but understandable. At some point, your mother needs to accept the apology and move on.

All the best!

 

[kympen]

Hi everyone,
I’m new here, and thought maybe I could ask you opinion on something… I’m not sure who else to turn to…

Just to give you a bit of background… My fiancé and I have been together for nine years. We lived in Europe for two years (for jobs), moved back home to Canada for about nine months, and then moved back to Europe again, where we are now living.
I come from a stereotypical Italian family, where my parents wanted me to live at home until I was married (and then some!) so they could do everything for me and take care of me, and this was unfortunately the way it was because I was a broke university student trying to get an education and a good job. My family is very close, always in each other’s business and my parents are very controlling. My fiancé, however, comes from a totally different type of family, who respects his personal space, aren’t demanding of his time, and he’s lived away from home since he was 17 or so.

In the time we moved back home, we had both moved into my parents’ house (because we didn’t have jobs or a lot of money or anywhere else to live… my fiancé’s parents had gotten a divorce while we were away and he couldn’t/didn’t want to stay with them).
That’s when everything went sour… Five adults living in a small house is bad enough, plus the fact that my fiancé and I never had any privacy to have some “together” time without my family hovering, and my fiancé never felt like it was his home so he was uncomfortable for the whole time we were there… Also, as much as they refuse to admit it, my fiancé and my mother and very much alike - stubborn, refusing to listen to reason, always wanting their way, and never wanting anyone to tell them what to do. I love them both dearly but it can be a challenge sometimes. Aside from this, though, I’m close with my mother, and my fiancé and I have a great relationship and I love him very much.

We moved back to Canada to get married… but a few months before this was going to happen, my fiancé and my mother got into a huge blow-out, and they haven’t really talked since (about 7 or 8 months now). My fiancé was sick of my mother barking orders at him and treating him like a 10-year-old, and he shot off at the mouth (he has a bad temper, same as her), swore and yelled at my mother, she slapped him across the face and he was kicked out of their house. The wedding was called off because they couldn’t even stand to look at each other… For months after, my parents never failed to take every opportunity whenever they spoke to me to badmouth him, wishing we would break up, and telling me how much I’ve turned my back on my family and betrayed them for staying with him after he disrespected them. My fiancé, insanely stubborn, didn’t even try to apologize until about two months later… but because it wasn’t the way my parents wanted, they didn’t accept it. (My mother, when he’d come to their house to talk, had run and locked herself in her room because she was upset that I was telling her in front of my fiancé that she was too involved in my relationship, etc.) Regardless, he apologized to my dad and brother, but my mother expected him to show up the next day to apologize to her when she was ready. Fast forward a few months later, and I’d just gotten so sick of their hating each other and was so desperate to save my relationship that my fiancé and I moved back to Europe. My mother is angry that he didn’t apologize to her before we left. He emailed her when we were here to say happy mother’s day, and she ignored him and yelled at me that he will never be a part of our family and to tell him to not contact her again.
My parents also complain about the things my fiancé does or doesn’t do, even though it’s fine for me… like going out with his friends without me (which I do too! we don’t have to spend every second of the day together) or not buying me flowers on Valentine’s day (which I asked him not to)… They think he’s turned me away from God because he’s not a practicing Catholic anymore (although he was baptized)… but I go to church myself, even here in Europe. The religious issues between us are something we’ve talked a lot about and worked out together, but my parents don’t agree and are offended by it.They’re also angry that he’s taken me away from them by moving back to Europe, even though it was my idea and I’m much happier here (I hate being away from our families, but it’s been the best thing for us.)…

Coming from such polar opposites regarding family dynamics is not a very healthy situation for anyone. I have a very similar experience with my wife’s family who are constantly in each others pockets and (name removed by moderator)utting into our marriage whether invited or not. I am a private person and intially chose to ignore the constsnt interference at first as we met and married in Europe so it wasn’t so much a problem, but when we moved back, it eventually became a nightmare especially her mother constantly getting involved, giving unrequired advice and manipulating her against me if she didnt get her way. My wife supports her family over me on this issue (“they are my family so I should get used to it”) and so our marriage is heading for a divorce as I have had enough.

If your fiance is not ready to accomodate an open marriage where everyone has a say and he will be expected to jump through hoops at the mere perception of a slight, unless you are willing continue to live as far away from your family as possible, any marriage is most unlikely to be a long and happy one.

 

[IrishAm]

A pair of 30 year olds living with mom and dad; mom screaming and hitting people; fiance disrepecting the older woman; the daughter wanting everybody just to like each other and be happy while she and her boyfriend live with her parents . . .

With the possible exception of the father, I don’t see anyone in this scenario acting like an adult . . .

 

[bluerose]

If you have a controlling, volatile, angry mother, there is a very good chance that you are conditioned to be accepting of that type of behavior from someone you are in a relationship with. There are a lot of red flags here, both in your relationship with your parents as well as your relationship with your fiancee.

I think you need to have some independence and some counseling before you should undertake something so serious as marriage and children. You should be able to support yourself and your fiancee should be able to support himself. And trust me if he is willing to treat your mother that way, just wait until you are his wife.

Writing this as someone who has been there done that. I think you need some space to develop perspective.

What I bolded… especially since you said your mom and your fiance are a lot alike.

 

[Norseman82]

After reading all this, my advice is end your relationship with him. Otherwise, what you have written is going to become the story of your life, over and over again.

Actually, from my experience with controlling people, I think the “story of her life” will be that the mother will repeat this type of behavior with every man she dates (unless the mother chooses the husband for her).

The mother is lucky that the fiancee didn’t call the police to haul her off to jail.

 

[joandarc2008]

Actually, from my experience with controlling people, I think the “story of her life” will be that the mother will repeat this type of behavior with every man she dates (unless the mother chooses the husband for her).

The mother is lucky that the fiancee didn’t call the police to haul her off to jail.

Yeah, that is how my relationship started off with my mother in law too. The best thing your fiance can do is not get into the power games and know boundaries. Once boundaries are learned you will find the relationship will improve. Trust me - it is much worse when it is a dil and not an sil though. Don’t start calling police, etc unless dangerous physical damage is getting done. Family counseling may also help everyone.

 

[Miserissima]

I don’t discuss this much, but my mom was the same way – all the way down to locking herself in her room. My fiance at the time was also very similar to the OP’s and I had the very same attitude. It took moving out of state, a return to the sacraments, forming my conscience, truly living independently, and healing myself for two years to get my head on straight. In doing so, I met a wonderful man and although he is not Catholic, we had our convalidation ceremony in the Chuch (which we had planned as he was deploying) and although it hasn’t been easy all the time, we are committed to God and each other.

I don’t know if I would have done things differently, but I have nothing but the sincerest empathy for the OP because too often young women are driven away. They go from the frying pan into the fire, and lose so much self-respect in the process that they live in permanent survival mode.

 

[Miserissima]

I don’t discuss this much, but my mom was the same way – all the way down to locking herself in her room. My fiance at the time was also very similar to the OP’s and I had the very same attitude. It took moving out of state, a return to the sacraments, forming my conscience, truly living independently, and healing myself for two years to get my head on straight. In doing so, I met a wonderful man and although he is not Catholic, we had our convalidation ceremony in the Chuch (which we had planned as he was deploying) and although it hasn’t been easy all the time, we are committed to God and each other.

I don’t know if I would have done things differently, but I have nothing but the sincerest empathy for the OP because too often young women are driven away. They go from the frying pan into the fire, and lose so much self-respect in the process that they live in permanent survival mode.

 

[Mea_Culpa]

You’re living in sin with your “fiance” - you move into your parents house together because you’re both unemployed at age 30 - your boyfriend yells and curses at your mother in her own house while she is allowing you to live in her house. You move out of the country to continue living in sin with your boyfriend, a fallen away Catholic with divorced parents, so you won’t have to talk to your unreasonable parents.

Yes, I can see how your parents are definitely at fault in this scenario.

 

[ryecroft]

You’re living in sin with your “fiance” - you move into your parents house together because you’re both unemployed at age 30 - your boyfriend yells and curses at your mother in her own house while she is allowing you to live in her house. You move out of the country to continue living in sin with your boyfriend, a fallen away Catholic with divorced parents, so you won’t have to talk to your unreasonable parents.

Yes, I can see how your parents are definitely at fault in this scenario.

Have you read the posts - she never said they were sleeping together, in fact she said that they wern’t having sex! And from what the OP said, the yelling at the mother began when he got hit- I don’t know of a lot of people who wouldn’t say something derogatory (at best) after being slapped by a soon to be mother in law who can’t seem to stand it if her daughter and fiance aren’t watching the television wither her. I won’t put the OP down for moving back in with her parents - she made it clear they wern’t having sex - just that both she and her fiance were living in the same house. At least they didn’t try to get a place and ruin their cedit by living off money they didn’t have. It was nice of the parents to allow them a free place to live, but it doesn’t mean that the mother gets to walk all over them. The fiance tried to apologize, but the mother was too stubborn to allow him to and now wants a seperate face to face apology? I think I might be happy that the parents didn’t show up -I think you guys were wise to get the heck out of Dodge! But you should go through some counseling so the fiance understands what he’s getting himself into with having to raise kids in the Catholic faith. It would be nice if he would come back to the church (if that’s what that would be you said he was baptized - but I don’t know if anything else happened. Good luck and I hope you guys will be happy. But if you have any question or doubt in your mind extend the counseling.
God Bless
RYe

 

[flee]

You’re living in sin with your “fiance” - you move into your parents house together because you’re both unemployed at age 30 - your boyfriend yells and curses at your mother in her own house while she is allowing you to live in her house. You move out of the country to continue living in sin with your boyfriend, a fallen away Catholic with divorced parents, so you won’t have to talk to your unreasonable parents.

Yes, I can see how your parents are definitely at fault in this scenario.

Well, you’re one of the most judgemental people I’ve ever met…
Yes, he is my fiance… would you like me to take a picture of my ring for you??
And did I ever say that we were “living in sin”?? And did I say we lived together overseas? If you’d bothered to read the other post, you’d see that I wasn’t talking about having sex.
We were umemployed because our contracts ran out and we moved back home to get married. We moved back overseas because we were unhappy back in Canada and loved the pace of life in Europe… We didn’t do it so I “wouldn’t have to talk to my unreasonable parents”. That’s ridiculous.
The fact that my fiance’s parents are divorced doesn’t have anything to do with this… In fact, we wanted to wait to get married because we didn’t want to repeat their mistakes.
And it was my parents who insisted we live with them until after the wedding or until we get on our feet. I never said my parents were at fault. They are, however, responsible for their behaviour after the fact, which is not very Christian at all.

All I asked was what I should do about the fact that my mother and fiance aren’t speaking… I didn’t ask for you to criticize my life choices, especially when you don’t understand them at all.