Problems finding a catholic spouse

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Maria2323

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Hi everyone!

Im posting a thread here because Im really confused now and I hope someone can give me some advices. Im a woman over 30 years who has been searching for a catholic husband for many years now. I live in a very atheistic country so I feel its almost impossible to find a catholic husband in my country. I go regulary to mass but I havnt met any man there. So the latest years I have been searching on datingsites after catholic men. I found a man from the south of Europe who wrote he was a really good catholic. I asked him if he was looking for something serious and he told me if he met a good person, " why not? "and that he was free. We wrote for some months and after a while I went and visited him in his place. Its a holy place with many pilgrims so I wanted to go there anyway and after years of struggling finding a good man I really hadnt any expectations to this man. But when we met everything was perfect and so nice. He took me to a really nice reaturant the first evening and to a new one the day after. But the second evening when we went to his house he made some moves on me which I responded with telling him I was was not this kind of girl. He told me he respected that. I went to my hotel little dissapointed this evening thinking " one more of these guys" which I have met so many times before. I actually expected more from a guy who comes from a really catholic family and live in this kind of place. I thought he wouldnt meet me anymore after I rejected him but the day after he wanted us to go for a trip which I told him was ok. He called me the day after to plan our trip but first he wanted us to go to the church together. I told him I already been to the morning mass, so he could pick me up later, but he kept on asking me to please join him, so I said " ok, no problem, I don`t mind going twice:) In the church he was acting like a Saint: praying, swithing candles and was really consentrated. Later he guided me around in the church and museum beside for hours telling me the story about the Saint of the place and we were discussing catholicism. When we were in the church I really felt something special for this man.

After I came home we kept on writing e - mails. He told me I was a very pretty and good girl and he wrote me many sweet nice messages and told me he was attracted to me. I felt the connetion was so good and after a couple of weeks I told him what I felt: that I liked him and that I wanted us to know each other better. He knows that I have considered moving to his country anyway and he knows how much I love his country. I was thinking of seeing each other in the weekends in the first place to make it possible to know him better. But then he answered me he felt it was not an good idea because of the distance ( it`s 2 hours flight ).

I got really hurt because of this. I feel that if he wasnt really interested in me he scholdnt take me to the mass and to the church. The rest i could “accept”…
We still had some contact because he kept on logging into Skype all the time…but after a while I found out he had many pornographic/halfnaked women as friends on his facebook. Then it was enough for me! I told him I have seen this and that I dont think its fair of him to call himself a catholic who practices his religion and at the same time subscribe to profiles of pornographic/halfnaked women…I told him its best that we dont have anymore contact because I was looking for a serious catholic man and for love.

Its been a couple of months now and my friend told me he has removed all the "pornographic" women from his site. The problem is that I cant forget this man. I still think about him and pray for him to be a good man and when my friend told me this I feel he has done some progress in the right direction…

I would be very grateful to hear some opinions from people here at the CAF. What do you think about this guy told me he was attracted to me and the fact that he insisted to go with me to the mass? What am I suppose to think? I feel really confused. When we were toghether I have never been so happy in my life, especially in the church.It was a very special moment for me that I have never felt before…I really felt it was a sign from God, but later it turned out to maybe not be that afterall… He also told me so many nice things and that I was such a good and beautiful person ( so obviously he was attracted to me, he told me that later also when I came back home). As I wrote in the beginning here he told me that he was open to be serious if he found a good person. Later he told me I was this very nice person…still he didn`t want to know me better.

I appreciate some opinions.

God bless you!
 
This guy sounds like a smooth operating shark and I would cut off all contact with him. He was clearly putting on a nice “Catholic” show the day after he made a pass at you. Just because he removed the porn from his site, don’t for one minute believe that he has stopped looking at porn elswhere, just like that. Pornography is a HORRIBLE addiction, it can be overcome but not without lots of work, time and determination. This guy is not good husband material, pray for him, but keep looking for a sincere, practicing Catholic to marry and be a father to your children, they are out there!
 
I was lucky - I met my wife on a long distance bus ride.

We shared many values. She became a Catholic and we have grown together.

I don’t have any advice, except I was a good guy looking for the right woman - and there are others out there.
 
I don’t think that you should let his sexual history be an absolute bar. It is prudent to be cautious knowing what you know, but people do make mistakes.

It sounds as though his faith is genuine, based on your description. In a homily, a priest I know once said that people often seek pornography out of loneliness. The spirit is willing to search for God, but the flesh is weak and easily tempted without a genuine spouse for comfort.

Its totally up to you, but I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Ask him about his motivation for removing his Facebook “friends”. Ask him about his plans in life, how these line up with your goals, how he feels about marriage, etc. Of course, ask about the general scope of his sexual history, and discuss your boundaries. Accept that he may not be perfect in this area, but see if his transgressions are forgivable.

Evaluate from there.
 
Catholic1954 said:
This guy sounds like a smooth operating shark and I would cut off all contact with him. He was clearly putting on a nice “Catholic” show the day after he made a pass at you. Just because he removed the porn from his site, don’t for one minute believe that he has stopped looking at porn elswhere, just like that. Pornography is a HORRIBLE addiction, it can be overcome but not without lots of work, time and determination. This guy is not good husband material, pray for him, but keep looking for a sincere, practicing Catholic to marry and be a father to your children, they are out there!
Click to expand...
You are probably right…It`s sad these kind of men call them self good catholics and fool women like this…Thank you for your reponse:)

May God bless you !
 
Maria2323 said:
Hi everyone!

Im posting a thread here because Im really confused now and I hope someone can give me some advices. Im a woman over 30 years who has been searching for a catholic husband for many years now. I live in a very atheistic country so I feel its almost impossible to find a catholic husband in my country. I go regulary to mass but I havnt met any man there. So the latest years I have been searching on datingsites after catholic men. I found a man from the south of Europe who wrote he was a really good catholic. I asked him if he was looking for something serious and he told me if he met a good person, " why not? "and that he was free. We wrote for some months and after a while I went and visited him in his place. Its a holy place with many pilgrims so I wanted to go there anyway and after years of struggling finding a good man I really hadnt any expectations to this man. But when we met everything was perfect and so nice. He took me to a really nice reaturant the first evening and to a new one the day after. But the second evening when we went to his house he made some moves on me which I responded with telling him I was was not this kind of girl. He told me he respected that. I went to my hotel little dissapointed this evening thinking " one more of these guys" which I have met so many times before. I actually expected more from a guy who comes from a really catholic family and live in this kind of place. I thought he wouldnt meet me anymore after I rejected him but the day after he wanted us to go for a trip which I told him was ok. He called me the day after to plan our trip but first he wanted us to go to the church together. I told him I already been to the morning mass, so he could pick me up later, but he kept on asking me to please join him, so I said " ok, no problem, I don`t mind going twice:) In the church he was acting like a Saint: praying, swithing candles and was really consentrated. Later he guided me around in the church and museum beside for hours telling me the story about the Saint of the place and we were discussing catholicism. When we were in the church I really felt something special for this man.

After I came home we kept on writing e - mails. He told me I was a very pretty and good girl and he wrote me many sweet nice messages and told me he was attracted to me. I felt the connetion was so good and after a couple of weeks I told him what I felt: that I liked him and that I wanted us to know each other better. He knows that I have considered moving to his country anyway and he knows how much I love his country. I was thinking of seeing each other in the weekends in the first place to make it possible to know him better. But then he answered me he felt it was not an good idea because of the distance ( it`s 2 hours flight ).

I got really hurt because of this. I feel that if he wasnt really interested in me he scholdnt take me to the mass and to the church. The rest i could “accept”…
We still had some contact because he kept on logging into Skype all the time…but after a while I found out he had many pornographic/halfnaked women as friends on his facebook. Then it was enough for me! I told him I have seen this and that I dont think its fair of him to call himself a catholic who practices his religion and at the same time subscribe to profiles of pornographic/halfnaked women…I told him its best that we dont have anymore contact because I was looking for a serious catholic man and for love.

Its been a couple of months now and my friend told me he has removed all the "pornographic" women from his site. The problem is that I cant forget this man. I still think about him and pray for him to be a good man and when my friend told me this I feel he has done some progress in the right direction…

I would be very grateful to hear some opinions from people here at the CAF. What do you think about this guy told me he was attracted to me and the fact that he insisted to go with me to the mass? What am I suppose to think? I feel really confused. When we were toghether I have never been so happy in my life, especially in the church.It was a very special moment for me that I have never felt before…I really felt it was a sign from God, but later it turned out to maybe not be that afterall… He also told me so many nice things and that I was such a good and beautiful person ( so obviously he was attracted to me, he told me that later also when I came back home). As I wrote in the beginning here he told me that he was open to be serious if he found a good person. Later he told me I was this very nice person…still he didn`t want to know me better.

I appreciate some opinions.

God bless you!
Click to expand...
I think there are some red flags here. Pornography addiction isn’t something that is easily overcome. I feel like if he removed these things from Facebook just because you objected there is a good chance it will come back into his life. Also to me he doesn’t seem very sincere. I know about love at first sight and all that but marriage is complicated and it needs a solid reason for being. You usually never get to fully know your spouse before you are married, but the more reasons there are for attraction, the better the chances you have to succeed. If you were my daughter I would advise you if you were still interested to go slow.

When my wife and I were dating I was very attracted to her physically. I couldn’t wait for THE day. But we had a long engagement (3 years) and by the time we were married we had become really good friends and that is so much more important than attraction. God bless you. :signofcross:
 
It’s been a couple of months. I wouldn’t put any more thought or effort into a relationship with this man. If this gentleman is serious about a relationship with you, he will let you know. If/when he contacts you, you can address his half-naked Facebook friends and your other concerns.

In the meantime were I you I’d be spending me time seeking to meet other gentlemen to date.

Luna
 
runningdude said:
I don’t think that you should let his sexual history be an absolute bar. It is prudent to be cautious knowing what you know, but people do make mistakes.

It sounds as though his faith is genuine, based on your description. In a homily, a priest I know once said that people often seek pornography out of loneliness. The spirit is willing to search for God, but the flesh is weak and easily tempted without a genuine spouse for comfort.

Its totally up to you, but I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Ask him about his motivation for removing his Facebook “friends”. Ask him about his plans in life, how these line up with your goals, how he feels about marriage, etc. Of course, ask about the general scope of his sexual history, and discuss your boundaries. Accept that he may not be perfect in this area, but see if his transgressions are forgivable.

Evaluate from there.
Click to expand...
Yes I understand that people can seek pornography out of lonliness and if I see a really positive progress for a long time Im willing to forgive that. But the problem is that maybe he is not ready to be serious afterall, otherwise he would give me a chance to know him better. When I told him about my feelings it seems like he got little panic and made an excuse with the distance problem. But he still logged in to Skype all the time a couple of months after. It was when I confronted him with the pictures he stopped both logging into Skype and removed these pictures...So now we dont have any contact. Its just strange that I felt what I felt and the result now. And I guess I will still not understand why he insisted to go with him to church when I told him Ive already been to the mass and that we could meet later. But he asked me several times so I said OK. I really feel it was important for him to take me to the church, but why I don`t know…
 
Maria2323 said:
Yes I understand that people can seek pornography out of lonliness and if I see a really positive progress for a long time Im willing to forgive that. But the problem is that maybe he is not ready to be serious afterall, otherwise he would give me a chance to know him better. When I told him about my feelings it seems like he got little panic and made an excuse with the distance problem. But he still logged in to Skype all the time a couple of months after. It was when I confronted him with the pictures he stopped both logging into Skype and removed these pictures...So now we dont have any contact. Its just strange that I felt what I felt and the result now. And I guess I will still not understand why he insisted to go with him to church when I told him Ive already been to the mass and that we could meet later. But he asked me several times so I said OK. I really feel it was important for him to take me to the church, but why I don`t know…
Click to expand...
I misunderstood - I thought he contacted you to say that he removed the Facebook content. Restated, it seems like he didn’t realized these were visible, and hid them out of embarrassment. If he can’t be honest and give you a timely response, its probably best to cut ties and move on. 😦
 
Maria, based on what you said, the pornography is surely a problem, but the bigger problem seems to be his lack of sincerity. He may be the kind of person who does not really want to make any commitment. I agree with several others’ opinion - start to look for other dates and do not dwell on this person. Move on.

Also, I want to say that it is ideal to marry another Catholic, but this is not an ideal world. If a man has all other good qualities you are looking for, and if he has an open mind to explore your faith, that is good. Pray for a good spouse.
 
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