Problems w/DH, need opinions

[qui_est_ce]

It's probably gotten to the point where you are a little over sensitive and there for you read into every thing said by your Sister In-Law.  I don't blame you but your husband probably doesn't read into things like you, so to him you are exagerating, even if your not.

Yessisan is NOT being oversensitive. From my experience, you start thinking you’re going crazy, and you put up with more and more abuse, until you think it’s just normal. Yessisan is more upset about her husband’s attitude than her SIL’s remarks. I SIL can almost be expected to act the way she does because of her culture and being JW, but DH has NO EXCUSE to treat her the way he does. Screaming at her not to get to bed with him because her crying makes him feel bad. That’s inhumane.

 

[valenzuelaf]

I agree with you. I just know you can get to the point where you disect everything said. I know I’ve been there before. Her husband just may not hear the same things she hears and think she is making a big deal about nothing. I’m not saying she is, I’m just telling you how I feel sometimes when My wife tells me about things my Mom and Grandmother say to her. I think my wife is making a mountain out of a mole hill, because we have two different perspectives. The problem her husband has is he should still be defending her even if he thinks she’s exagerating. It is just hard sometimes having to choose between love ones. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Choose your battles wisely in order to keep some peace.

 

[maryjk]

I don’t know that this is a very Catholic way to deal with this, but this is what I did and what I would do.

My MIL does not like me at all. My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years. She didn’t like me before the wedding, she doesn’t like me now.

The list of things she doesn’t like is long but includes my religion. She is also Catholic, but left the church right after my husband was baptized.

I spoke to my husband about the things she did. Whether it was that she said mean things or interrupted me while I was talking. He didn’t see it.

The next time we went to their house, every time she did something mean, I would LIGHTLY kick him. You know, tap him with my foot, just to call attention to what she was doing. Half way through the evening, he told me to stop. And he agreed with me. I know that your husband most likely with not agree with you.

But you can still go on to the next step. EVERY time she said something mean after that visit, I would turn it back on her. She would say something that could be taken as rude, I would repeat it back to her with a look of surprise. Kind of an “I can’t believe you just said that” look. So, if they say something rude, like the comment about the bracelet, I would say, gee, what is so wrong about the Saints? Ask about them wanting your husband to divorce you to marry some JW girl. Gee, doesn’t the Bible prohibit divorce? I thought you guys were supposed to know your Bible. And then I would stop telling my Grandmother that she needs to be nice to the JW.

I know this is not nice. I know that you get more flies with honey, not with vinegar. But I also know that before I did this, there came a time that I no longer wanted to ever see my in laws. It was bad. This helped.

 

[valenzuelaf]

I don’t know that this is a very Catholic way to deal with this, but this is what I did and what I would do.

My MIL does not like me at all. My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years. She didn’t like me before the wedding, she doesn’t like me now.

The list of things she doesn’t like is long but includes my religion. She is also Catholic, but left the church right after my husband was baptized.

I spoke to my husband about the things she did. Whether it was that she said mean things or interrupted me while I was talking. He didn’t see it.

The next time we went to their house, every time she did something mean, I would LIGHTLY kick him. You know, tap him with my foot, just to call attention to what she was doing. Half way through the evening, he told me to stop. And he agreed with me. I know that your husband most likely with not agree with you.

But you can still go on to the next step. EVERY time she said something mean after that visit, I would turn it back on her. She would say something that could be taken as rude, I would repeat it back to her with a look of surprise. Kind of an “I can’t believe you just said that” look. So, if they say something rude, like the comment about the bracelet, I would say, gee, what is so wrong about the Saints? Ask about them wanting your husband to divorce you to marry some JW girl. Gee, doesn’t the Bible prohibit divorce? I thought you guys were supposed to know your Bible. And then I would stop telling my Grandmother that she needs to be nice to the JW.

I know this is not nice. I know that you get more flies with honey, not with vinegar. But I also know that before I did this, there came a time that I no longer wanted to ever see my in laws. It was bad. This helped.

That was good advice. I think my wife has done a lot of the things you mentioned and that is why things have gotten better.

 

[yessisan]

So how did he get reinstated?

First, I’m sorry to hear you went through the things you did.

You know… DH was reinstated out of convenience and fear. He had stopped attending, or let’s just say he missed 1-2 meetings of three every wk because I wasn’t attending with him (I did for a while to learn about his religion and his background). He was DF’d in 1/24/06, and on 3/15/07 he had an accindent at work which caused him to have surgery, be hospitalized for a wk and was disabled for 3 months. Because the JW elders saw he could’ve died in that accident (which almost needed a blood transfusion - Thank God he didn’t because that would’ve made it harder than it was), they used the excuse that he had the accident to make up for the meetings he had missed since Thanksgiving last yr. They reinstated him about 2 wks after his accident.

Why is he going on Retrouvaille if he is so JW? Is there hope for him?

He is going to Retrouvaille because he knows we need help, and because it didn’t have to do with religion. Plus, he’s not really that great of a JW (I’ve found porn several times in our home computer, among other serious things), plus, he celebrates bdays and Chirstmas w/me. The gift giving for those occassions are 2 days early so they don’t “qualify” for that occassion. So, I think he has hope. Just that he needs to let go of the rope his sister has him on.

I would think you have good grounds for an annulment

Maybe, but I don’t want ot give up yet. I do love him.

Yessisan is NOT being oversensitive. From my experience, you start thinking you’re going crazy, and you put up with more and more abuse, until you think it’s just normal. Yessisan is more upset about her husband’s attitude than her SIL’s remarks. I SIL can almost be expected to act the way she does because of her culture and being JW, but DH has NO EXCUSE to treat her the way he does. Screaming at her not to get to bed with him because her crying makes him feel bad. That’s inhumane.

Thanks for your comments. And yes, you are right, the fact that SIL does this, bothers me less than the way DH has been treating me. I can “forsee” SIL will act the way she does because that’s just how she is, and it’s also because she’s a JW.

My DH treating me the way he does sometimes is just unbearable and it makes me feel like garbage. Makes me feel unwanted.

 

[yessisan]

Well, I ask because it makes things a lot clearer for me. Personally, the first year is very hard because you are learning to mesh to backgrounds together. In-laws don’t make it any easier. Your first year would be even harder because of the difference in faiths. Sometimes in marriage, good or bad, your Faith is all you have and you can’t share that at this point.

I’ve always considered our marriage to be great. That said, when you have “outside” forces that you love (you can’t really expect him to stop loving his family) it can make it really difficult. It’s hard to get to the “you and me against the world” and not “my family against yours” but it is achievable. Don’t think because all is still hard after 16 months that it can’t be better.

If it were me, and I can sometimes be outspoken, I would ask your SIL exactly what she’s trying to accomplish when she bad mouths your faith and I’d do it in front of everyone. I’d then let her know that you believe God has called you to be married to your husband and that that is your vocation and that you won’t turn your back on that vocation. She can help make the marriage hard and therefor your brother miserable or she can just pray for your conversion like you pray for hers. God will win in the end. Of course, that’s just me…

Well, the first 12 months were great (well, for the most part)… for a few months it’s been horrible. We argued non-stop to the point where it got physical, and because I value myself as a human being, I decided to get help and I found Retrouvaille. Thanks for the advice on the vocation thing…

I agree with you. I just know you can get to the point where you disect everything said. I know I’ve been there before. Her husband just may not hear the same things she hears and think she is making a big deal about nothing. I’m not saying she is, I’m just telling you how I feel sometimes when My wife tells me about things my Mom and Grandmother say to her. I think my wife is making a mountain out of a mole hill, because we have two different perspectives. The problem her husband has is he should still be defending her even if he thinks she’s exagerating. It is just hard sometimes having to choose between love ones. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Choose your battles wisely in order to keep some peace.

I don’t think I exaggerate, but thanks for your responses. And I’m happy that you stick up for your wife even if you don’t agree. But here, I do think he’s wrong.

I know this is not nice. I know that you get more flies with honey, not with vinegar. But I also know that before I did this, there came a time that I no longer wanted to ever see my in laws. It was bad. This helped.

You know, you’re the 2nd person to tell me this. My aunt’s been telling me to do this. Great advice. I hope I can pull this off. I’m not to brave when it comes to getting back at people. I’m too introverted.

 

[kage_ar]

Had this thought - your husband and his family are Hispanic (since he prefers to read Spanish, I’m making an assumption… are you of the same ethnic background? The reason I ask, is that maybe the cultural differences are compounding the religious differences?

Here is a wild idea - could you all just move and start fresh somewhere, oh, say about 1000 miles away from his sisters?

 

[yessisan]

Had this thought - your husband and his family are Hispanic (since he prefers to read Spanish, I’m making an assumption… are you of the same ethnic background? The reason I ask, is that maybe the cultural differences are compounding the religious differences?

We’re both Mexican. I do come from a family with higher social status and class and higher education than his, my mom told me that at her Catholic high school (back in the 70’s) she was told to keep inside those social groups for the sake of having a good marriage, but I don’t think that does anything, or does it?

You see, he lived in a 2 bedroom house w/4 sisters and the 5 of them shared a room. None finished high school and have always worked in restaurants or in agriculture. The women in his family have all been and still are hair dressers. DH is in construction work. In my family, we all have gone to college, we all had our own rooms, we have had business related jobs (I worked as a counselor before, started my master’s in clinical psychology, but had to quit; now I’m in the real estate business, trying to switch to health care). My mom is an important director at Kaiser Permanente, my dad is a fire technician, my sister’s a couselor working on her degree in nursing (after quiiting her master’s in social work). My dad is a web designer, his brother a scientist, his sister a Psychologist… Maybe my mom is right after all.

Here is a wild idea - could you all just move and start fresh somewhere, oh, say about 1000 miles away from his sisters?

We moved 3 towns away, and it’s gotten worse since we moved. We have been talking about moving to Mexico (not that I want to, but we may have to).

 

[vluvski]

This whole situation makes me so sad. Here you are, trying to do the right thing and make your marriage right with the Church, and now your husband is being a complete louse.

This really makes me question why the Church permits radical sanation. It seems like it is just asking for trouble, for spousal problems where one lacks respect for the other. Our faith is such an integral part of who we are, how can one respect their spouse if they do not respect their spouse’s faith?

I have no advice but I do offer my prayers. I would also encourage you to speak with your priest and Retrouvaille about this problem specifically.

 

[yessisan]

This whole situation makes me so sad. Here you are, trying to do the right thing and make your marriage right with the Church, and now your husband is being a complete louse.

This really makes me question why the Church permits radical sanation. It seems like it is just asking for trouble, for spousal problems where one lacks respect for the other. Our faith is such an integral part of who we are, how can one respect their spouse if they do not respect their spouse’s faith?

I have no advice but I do offer my prayers. I would also encourage you to speak with your priest and Retrouvaille about this problem specifically.

You know, it’s funny you mention the fact that the CC allows radical sanations. As soon as we got it granted, the problems in our house got worse. Sort of like, “Darn, why didn’t I listen to my mom about not doing this?”. She had asked me not to go thru w/it just in case things didn’t work out and would want a divorce. Our marriage wasn’t valid, but there I was trying to fix things w/God, and I got hit in the back w/problem after problem.

About Retrouvaille, have you gone to it? I don’t think I can just mention he’s doing this. I think he has to bring it up on his own if he thinks he needs to change… I’m only on post-session #3 as of tonight, so I don’t know what to expect for the rest of the sessions. About my priest, last time I spoke to him, he only said I had to try and understand and to not take things too much to heart. He said I should pray for them. Maybe I can speak to the priest who directed our wknd at Retrouvaille. The only problem is that he’s in Spain for the rest of Retrouvialle, but did give us his numbers if we needed to reach him…

What to do?? I don’t know if there’s a way to fix this. I ended a realtionship where my ex-fiance put his family first. I put up w/it for 5 yrs, and fell out of love w/him, so we broke up the engagement and relationship. Maybe it’s a darn cycle…

Thanks for your prayers!

 

[bear06]

You know, it’s funny you mention the fact that the CC allows radical sanations. As soon as we got it granted, the problems in our house got worse. Sort of like, “Darn, why didn’t I listen to my mom about not doing this?”. She had asked me not to go thru w/it just in case things didn’t work out and would want a divorce. Our marriage wasn’t valid, but there I was trying to fix things w/God, and I got hit in the back w/problem after problem.

The devil always attacks us when we try to do what’s right!

About my priest, last time I spoke to him, he only said I had to try and understand and to not take things too much to heart. He said I should pray for them.

Well, sometimes this can be a good tactic. We can’t help it when other people put things into a “me or them” situation but we can not take this tactic ourselves. Of course, I’m not always good at letting things go but sometimes that’s what we have to do. How is SIL attacking your faith harmful to your marriage? It’s what we do when we’re attacked that can be harmful, right? Believe me, I know that when someone makes fun of me, I’d like my husband to take them down. It doesn’t always happen and sometimes that’s a good thing and even when it’s a bad thing, I can turn it into a positive by offering it up for, say, the conversion of my non-Catholic family members. I wonder what would happen if, the next time she took a swipe at you, you went up and told her how nice her shirt, skirt, purse or whatever was? Of if you just simply went and gave her a hug. The peaceful loving person is always going to attract more to their faith than the vile one who takes swipes. Again, I don’t always take that tactic but it does work sometimes. What could she say? Don’t hug me heathen!!! Hey maybe she will and then your husband’s eyes would be forced open!

What to do?? I don’t know if there’s a way to fix this. I ended a realtionship where my ex-fiance put his family first. I put up w/it for 5 yrs, and fell out of love w/him, so we broke up the engagement and relationship. Maybe it’s a darn cycle…

Like I said before, this is not unusual (physical violence is). I think most of us married folks have heard “Well, they are my family!” at one point or another. They didn’t fall out of love with their family when they fell in love with us. Too bad.

 

[kage_ar]

Ahhhh - well, so much for my theory

The CA live was two hours on JWs. It is supposed to be available for download mid-day Monday

 

[qui_est_ce]

I don’t know that this is a very Catholic way to deal with this, but this is what I did and what I would do.

Ask about them wanting your husband to divorce you to marry some JW girl. Gee, doesn’t the Bible prohibit divorce? I thought you guys were supposed to know your Bible. And then I would stop telling my Grandmother that she needs to be nice to the JW.

I know this is not nice. I know that you get more flies with honey, not with vinegar. But I also know that before I did this, there came a time that I no longer wanted to ever see my in laws. It was bad. This helped.

WWJD? I think this advice could backfire. The JW’s will respond to Biblical references with out of context quotes. In fact, almost every time somebody quotes me a Bible passage, I can count on it being out of context.

Yessisan could respond with, “Saints? Why I looove the saints.” be positive. Any negative statement, why yes, I AM a Catholic. But it won’t matter to them, they are on a mission. It matters to Yessisan to be positive about herself and her faith. If she exudes positive faith and love about her Holy CC, she will tempt others.

This is not about sparring. She needs to save her life. Save it with faith. Her husband has progressed from verbal abuse to physical abuse. And now she has found porn on her computer. Where is this all going. What if they have a child?

I’m not sure how to include all the quotes as well as Yessisan, but I hope the context is clear.

Yssisan, I understand the class struggle, college, manual labor, etc. but this is not about class warfare or inlaws. This is an abusive man who has no respect for you, your family, or any future children you may have. You say you love him. What is love? It is more than an emotion. How can you bring up children in this kind of environment? How would you feel if your son grew up and became abusive towards his wife and was into porn? What would you say to your daughter if she married a man who mistreated her the way DH treat you? They would both tell you, “well Mom, that’s what you modeled for us.”

It’s tough. Divorce is very, very, very hard. Even without children. The church understands. I have been through it, and I have had the support of my CC. I have gone through annulment. It was very hard, but positive.

I am not advising anything, but please do not think you are a failure if you don’t put up with this behavior. Turn to Jesus and live. God loves you. You are trying to make your marrriage work. But, remember, God does not always answer prayer the way we want Him to, He answers by what is best for us.

Love and prayers,

Qui

P.S. I have already offered a few masses for you. We hold you up!

 

[yessisan]

I think this advice could backfire. The JW’s will respond to Biblical references with out of context quotes. In fact, almost every time somebody quotes me a Bible passage, I can count on it being out of context.

All I can do is keep on doing what I do, say nothing and be nice, maybe add a little bit of warmth as you said so I can show them being Catholic is not as bad as they think

…this is not about class warfare or inlaws. This is an abusive man who has no respect for you, your family, or any future children you may have. You say you love him. What is love? It is more than an emotion. How can you bring up children in this kind of environment? How would you feel if your son grew up and became abusive towards his wife and was into porn? What would you say to your daughter if she married a man who mistreated her the way DH treat you? They would both tell you, “well Mom, that’s what you modeled for us.”

It’s tough. Divorce is very, very, very hard. Even without children. The church understands. I have been through it, and I have had the support of my CC. I have gone through annulment. It was very hard, but positive.

Some of the things that have happened between us are things we’re both willing to work on. I’m not making excuses for his actions but we do not want to divorce. This is why we are going thru retrouvaille. His behavior from last month was the only time he’s ever acted that way and I don’t see him acting this way again. If he ever does, he knows I’m done and gone. The fact that he has been putting his sisters first, well, we put it out on retrouvaille and we dealt with it. At least he’s showing progress there (as of Friday last wk)

I am not advising anything, but please do not think you are a failure if you don’t put up with this behavior. Turn to Jesus and live. God loves you. You are trying to make your marrriage work. But, remember, God does not always answer prayer the way we want Him to, He answers by what is best for us.

P.S. I have already offered a few masses for you. We hold you up!

Thanks for your prayers and Mass offerings!

Well, sometimes this can be a good tactic. We can’t help it when other people put things into a “me or them” situation but we can not take this tactic ourselves. Of course, I’m not always good at letting things go but sometimes that’s what we have to do. How is SIL attacking your faith harmful to your marriage?

her attaking my faith is not the harmful part, it’s the fact DH wasn’t putting me first and letting them act that way towards me

It’s what we do when we’re attacked that can be harmful, right? Believe me, I know that when someone makes fun of me, I’d like my husband to take them down. It doesn’t always happen and sometimes that’s a good thing and even when it’s a bad thing, I can turn it into a positive by offering it up for, say, the conversion of my non-Catholic family members. I wonder what would happen if, the next time she took a swipe at you, you went up and told her how nice her shirt, skirt, purse or whatever was? Of if you just simply went and gave her a hug. The peaceful loving person is always going to attract more to their faith than the vile one who takes swipes. Again, I don’t always take that tactic but it does work sometimes. What could she say? Don’t hug me heathen!!! Hey maybe she will and then your husband’s eyes would be forced open!

he did tell me after Retrouvialle’s meeting that if he ever sees any behavior like this again, he’ll say something. I think he understands now… (I hope)

Maybe I’m just giving SIL too much attention. One of the things we spoke about at Retrouvaille on Friday was that in-laws will always get in things and could hurt relationships. I wasn’t the only one w/this problem. I guess the fact that my family doesn’t get in between our problems is why I expected the same from his family. But then again, this family keeps on asking if I am on the pill and when we’re having children, and keep on commenting that now they have somewhere to live if they wanted ot move to the US (of DH’s sister’s we have the biggest house w/a yard and 2 empty bedrooms), but that wouldn’t happen. I would never put DH in that position and he knows I will not allow family to live w/us unless the circumstances were very grave.