Problems w/ potential mother-in-law

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lcalise

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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, since we were 18. We’ve been seriously thinking about marriage for a couple years, but we decided to postpone our “official” engagement so we can continue to mature in our relationship and be monetarily ready.

I love him with my whole heart, he’s my best friend, but the prospect of having his mother as my mother-in-law makes me want to scream!

She doesn’t see any positive qualities in me. Even though she’s seen me interact with children, the fact that I have a more introvert personality makes me unfit to raise them. She thinks I conned her son into our relationship, even though he’s the one who pursued me. And the one that really gets me-- I’m too religious. See, I always thought that a Mom would be happy that her son would find a nice, Christian girl who loves him, but apparently I’m wrong 😦 . And I’d love to know how I can both be a seductress and too devout at the same time.

Is there anything I can do to make his mom not despise me-- logical arguments, emtional appeals, bribes? If not, any word of advice on how to not be upset by this?
 
I think the most important thing in your situation is how your boyfriend feels about how his mother treats you and what he does about it.

You can find tons of people on this forum alone that have really crappy in-laws. Some have the support of their spouses, some don’t. Want to guess which ones are happy?

Malia
 
I don’t know about changing her opinion of you. It may not even be all that bad. I know it feels like she hates you, but it may just be that she can’t handle her son growing up. Especially if he’s the youngest, or especially close to her. She also may worry if she’s not particularly religious, or if she’s had a bad experience with someone that he dated before who was devout. There is so much background there, even if you’ve been together forever, you might not know everything.

Secondly, what does your intended think about all of this? If he stands by uselessly as his mother verbally abuses you, that’s a real problem that rarely gets better with time. If he shrugs off your concerns, you might need to get his attention better and tell him that this really bothers you and could be an impediment to your future together.

Lastly, a son’s relationship with his mother is super-complex, and super-sensitive. A healthy maternal relationship usually lends itself to healthy interactions with other women. Look very closely at their relationship now, and try to imagine it fast-forwarded 10 years or more. Have they grown ever closer in the 3 and 1/2 years that you’ve known him? or have they started to grow apart? That trend will probably continue. Make sure that’s something that you can handle.

Just my first thoughts. It’s not doomed, though, if you do marry a “mama’s boy.” I married one (she still calls him #1 son, which isn’t TOO terrible since he’s the oldes), and my MIL is a dear and always has been.
 
While there is no excuse for being rude or dismissive of anyone, have you considered that she is not viewing the relationship as seriously as it may be because of your age? Since you are barely adults she may not even be considering the possibility that you are thinking of marriage. Perhaps the time you spend maturing as individuals and in your relationship will also produce a change in her view of you and the relationship’s prospects. In either event–I couldn’t agree more with the last poster’s warning and add that any man who allows his family to ignore, demean or abuse his fiance/spouse is NOT a real man and no one with whom you would want to spend a lifetime. If you have any doubt read some of the threads in this topic area–it’s heartbreaking.
 
My daughter’s mother-in-law is Marie on steriods:eek: (Marie from everyone loves Raymond) and unfortunately she’s married to a “Raymond”, don’t get me wrong I love my son-in-law, but I wish I he would stand up to "mommy just once. They been married almost 6 1/2 years and have 3 children. My daughter too had to deal with the overly Religious thing, don’t even get me started on the BC debate she has with her, right now she mad because my daughter will not get her tubes tied or use any thing but NFP (or as the MIL calls it Catholic Roullette) If fact she said my daughter has 3 strikes against she’s Irish, Spanish and Catholic, they all breed like rabbits. She just gave birth Sept. 14 and the MIL has not spoken to her or seen the baby because my daughter “disobeyed” her. Oh well her loss. My point hon, don’t knock yourself out trying to please her. She has made up her mind. Pray for her and hope for the best. That’s what I told my own daughter.
 
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kaymart:
My daughter’s mother-in-law is Marie on steriods:eek: (Marie from everyone loves Raymond) and unfortunately she’s married to a “Raymond”, don’t get me wrong I love my son-in-law, but I wish I he would stand up to "mommy just once. They been married almost 6 1/2 years and have 3 children. My daughter too had to deal with the overly Religious thing, don’t even get me started on the BC debate she has with her, right now she mad because my daughter will not get her tubes tied or use any thing but NFP (or as the MIL calls it Catholic Roullette) If fact she said my daughter has 3 strikes against she’s Irish, Spanish and Catholic, they all breed like rabbits. She just gave birth Sept. 14 and the MIL has not spoken to her or seen the baby because my daughter “disobeyed” her. Oh well her loss. My point hon, don’t knock yourself out trying to please her. She has made up her mind. Pray for her and hope for the best. That’s what I told my own daughter.
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ALL BREED LIKE RABBITS? Yikes! And I thought my MIL was rough?! You’d think the woman would appreciate recieving the gift of grandchildren??? But you are right… it’s her loss.

To the OP… you sound like a very sweet girl. Too religious? As if that’s a bad thing. I think the woman is nuts.
(opps… did I say that out loud? I meant to just think it! 😉 )
 
My MIL acts very much the way you describe your Boyfriends mom acting…a big part of it for my situation that is she’s mad because he joined the Air Force without her permission, then he married me without asking her permission…the next battle we’ll be having is that we are having a baby without her permission…She has some big time control issues, but despite that she and my FIL raised Tim to be a verry independent, caring man. Tim defends me and she doesn’t seem to realize that she is pushing him away because she can’t be respectful. She is obviously a good woman, to have raised a good son, but now she feels she needs to have control and power over him as an adult…
So when I’m with his family I try to be quiet and respectful and wait for us to leave…
although, I am trying to prepare for our battle over the baby…lots of prayer going into this one…She made it clear she doesn’t want grandkids and she expects us to obey her command…but we’ve been praying for this miracle for a while now, and God has blessed us…
my advice would be to pray for her, pray for her everyday…but don’t expect her to change…also pray that your reaction to the things she says and does will be examples of Christian Charity and love…
May God bless you all!
Jamie
 
Wow, your post made me realize how lucky I am with my future mother-in-law. She’s a very nice person and considerate toward me always. However, I feel that there’s something about me she doesn’t like. I don’t know what it is, but I think she didn’t imagine her son ending up with a person like me. She’s very traditional and I am not. I have short spiky hair, I’m vertically challenged, a little chubby, and not very graceful. I think she always envisioned her son with a taller girl with long flowing hair and a soft spoken voice. Oh well. Here I am! She likes me and I like her. We are both pretty religious. My problem with her is she talks too much. But in the grand scheme of things, I consider myself lucky. She raised a good son, and she is always concerned about him and the both of us.
 
Your future MIL is experiencing a self-created power struggle and will actually get worse if she feels she is losing. My MIL is the same way and after 4 years of marriage she is finally letting go a little- not because it’s the healthy thing to do for our relationship, rather, she is punishing us by staying away (which is just fine 😃 ). We have two children and she has only seen my 9 month old six times in his life and she only lives 10 miles away. Of course, she blames me for not bringing them to her house ever, yet she drives through my driveway being nosey at least every other day (thinking I don’t see her). This was very rough for my husband and I starting out, because he felt caught in the middle, but always said he knew that she was the one creating sides and he knew he had no divided loyalties once we were married. He told her that if she can’t accept me, then she’ll have to face not accepting him either. There have been many turbulent occasions these past years, but my dh and I are strong and always try to approach the situation with love. Imagine how she must be feeling on the inside to act out like that. Also, get the book Emotional Blackmail or something about dealing with toxic in laws. It is a common MIL personality disorder and she is not letting her son progress in his life because she is afraid she won’t be needed- this isn’t about YOU! This would be happening to ANY woman your bf wanted to marry. Encourage him to read those books to understand better how to deal with her. He is the one who needs to handle how she treats you- he needs to confront and put up some boundaries as far as what is or isn’t allowed. Dr. Phil actually has shows on MIL’s from time to time and there is info on his website on how to deal with them- my favorite quote from him on the subject is “if your husband says, well that’s how mom does it, etc. then tell him to go and sleep with her!” Once married, it will probably get worse, especially around the actual wedding time if these things aren’t hammered out ahead of time. But, it isn’t hopeless and a little work on you and your potential hubby’s part can make this much better- after all, you can’t change her, but you can change how she affects the two of you. Good luck and God bless!
 
This could be because you are young and she can’t stand the thought that “her boy” is making a decision she disagrees with. You’re an easier target than he is. Getting rid of you is the “quick fix” she hopes for. So as you two grow up and she gets to know you, this could blow over. That is hardly something I’d bet on, though. The kind of verbal abuse and judgmental attitude that she’s been handing to you is a hard habit to break.

As Dr. Phil would say, if your boyfriend does not stand up to his mother, to the point of being willing to distance himself from her if she doesn’t show you the respect you are due by the time you really are engaged, that is a deal breaker. Do not marry into a fixer-upper family. Things are as likely to get worse as they are to get better. Either marry them all, warts and all, or keep looking.
 
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lcalise:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, since we were 18. We’ve been seriously thinking about marriage for a couple years, but we decided to postpone our “official” engagement so we can continue to mature in our relationship and be monetarily ready.

I love him with my whole heart, he’s my best friend, but the prospect of having his mother as my mother-in-law makes me want to scream!

She doesn’t see any positive qualities in me. Even though she’s seen me interact with children, the fact that I have a more introvert personality makes me unfit to raise them. She thinks I conned her son into our relationship, even though he’s the one who pursued me. And the one that really gets me-- I’m too religious. See, I always thought that a Mom would be happy that her son would find a nice, Christian girl who loves him, but apparently I’m wrong 😦 . And I’d love to know how I can both be a seductress and too devout at the same time.

Is there anything I can do to make his mom not despise me-- logical arguments, emtional appeals, bribes? If not, any word of advice on how to not be upset by this?
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Take a very good, hard look at your own behavior. Make sure that your side of the street is clean. If it is, and she has no real reason to dislike you or object to your son’s love for you then you are in the clear. If, however, you can see where just maybe you might have contributed to the situation clean that up and try not to repeat that behavior.

I suspect that a lot of this has to do with your age. 18 is so young, though I know it does not feel that way to you. She may be afraid that the two of you are getting into something that is over your head.

I also think you were given some very good advice when it was suggested that you observe and analyze your boyfriend’s relationship with his mother. When (and if) you marry, will you be constantly demanding that he chose between the two of you? Will there be conflicts over every little thing? Think hard - some of us actually have marriages where the MIL is a loving, supportive, BLESSING in our lives and not a monster. It is possible to fall in love with someone who has a wonderful mother - if you have to move on and trust God you are hardly too ‘old’ to have to wait.

Good luck, honey. You are in my prayers
 
As painful as it is, you need to accept the fact that just because your boyfriend loves you doesn’t mean that his family will fall head over heals in love with you too. Pray for the strength to detach yourself from wanting her good opinion of you. If you really need a mother in law that lavishes you with approval and affection, then you need to find another potential husbnad. It’s that simple: you change or you leave.
 
I had the MIL from H-E- double hockey sticks as well.
My now hubby and I dated from our senior year of high school until we married (7 years of dating). I am 1.5 years older than him and he is the youngest and only boy in the family. Immediately I was branded the ‘wh***’ who was corrupting her precious little boy.
Might I add that DH & I decided to save ourselves for marriage and held ourselves to that vow.

But many a day I would listen to her over the phone yelling at him for talking to me. If she caught us holding hands or sitting close on the couch I was suddenly ‘pregnant’!! The obsenities flew.
She told all his friends to help her break us up and that she prayed every day for it. Routinely I was not invited to birthday/christmas parties because they were for ‘family only’. This was after DH and I had been dating for 5 years. (Yet his sisters got to bring their non-related boyfriends… go figure)
My DH did not have a good relationship with his mother and was only biding his time until he could move out.

Well… fast forward a few years and she suddenly starts acting nice to me. I was suddenly invited to a ‘family only’ event. Her excuse was, ‘well… you’ve been around enough, you might as well be family’. This went on for 6-8 months.

What I didn’t know was, DH had bought a ring and was just waiting for the time to propose. He had told his mother about it. I guess she figured she was stuck with me and forced herself to like me. By the time we married she was almost amiable.

Now, I think she feels guilty for how she treated me back then and goes out of her way to make me feel welcome. (His other sisters have also decided to not have any more children, so I’m also her only hope for more grandchildren)

But, one thing I wish had done was to stand up to her. There were several occasions where she & DH were in the next room and she was calling me awful names and I could hear her through the walls. I was too nice to either go in there and confront her or leave.
DH did stand up to her though and once he did things got better (no obscenities). I woudn’t have been rude or mean to her, but to have someone call you an awful name like ‘that B**** of a wh***’ and you just sit there and take it is tough. I should have walked out or asked her in a firm, yet not rude, way to not call me such names.
Make sure that your BF stands up for you. If he doesn’t then I would have to question his respect for you.

She may just be very very threatened by you. You are taking away her baby. As much as you think you aren’t, that is how she sees you. Some moms are very protective and controlling of their boys and some boys are reluctant to stand up to them out of respect. But sometimes mama crosses the line.

I pray that things work out. Because you don’t marry him. Marriage is a package deal.
 
When you do get married, make sure your DH knows that he cannot ‘choose’ between you and mama. That mentally he has to separate from mom and make it all about you and him. Otherwise it’s like having three people living in your house. You’ve got to have very set boundaries.

As much as I get along with my MIL now, we live across town on purpose 🙂
 
She may be jealous of you. Try not to take it personally. Hopefully she will come around in time. There are many MILs out there for who no-one will be good enough for their baby boys.

My MIL is another one who is upset at our ‘disobeying’ her and having another baby. She refused to knit anything for the youngest one (after having done so for the others) and hasn’t held her yet even though they live close - she’s 20 months old. This kind of treatment is why we don’t see her any more. And there’s no way I’m going to allow a child to be treated as ‘surplus to requirements’.

Your situation could improve or it could deteriorate. Often things go from bad to worse when the first child arrives.

You can’t do anything about her attitude, just step back. Next time she makes a subtle snarky remark, call her on it. Don’t let it go over your head as she will expect - aske her, ‘What do you mean by that?’ and wait for her to answer. It will really put her on the spot and she may think twice about what she says in future. It does work. But I really think she’s jealous of you.
 
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MomTo2:
Your future MIL is experiencing a self-created power struggle and will actually get worse if she feels she is losing. My MIL is the same way and after 4 years of marriage she is finally letting go a little- not because it’s the healthy thing to do for our relationship, rather, she is punishing us by staying away (which is just fine 😃 ). We have two children and she has only seen my 9 month old six times in his life and she only lives 10 miles away. Of course, she blames me for not bringing them to her house ever, yet she drives through my driveway being nosey at least every other day (thinking I don’t see her). This was very rough for my husband and I starting out, because he felt caught in the middle, but always said he knew that she was the one creating sides and he knew he had no divided loyalties once we were married. He told her that if she can’t accept me, then she’ll have to face not accepting him either. There have been many turbulent occasions these past years, but my dh and I are strong and always try to approach the situation with love. Imagine how she must be feeling on the inside to act out like that. Also, get the book Emotional Blackmail or something about dealing with toxic in laws. It is a common MIL personality disorder and she is not letting her son progress in his life because she is afraid she won’t be needed- this isn’t about YOU! This would be happening to ANY woman your bf wanted to marry. Encourage him to read those books to understand better how to deal with her. He is the one who needs to handle how she treats you- he needs to confront and put up some boundaries as far as what is or isn’t allowed. Dr. Phil actually has shows on MIL’s from time to time and there is info on his website on how to deal with them- my favorite quote from him on the subject is “if your husband says, well that’s how mom does it, etc. then tell him to go and sleep with her!” Once married, it will probably get worse, especially around the actual wedding time if these things aren’t hammered out ahead of time. But, it isn’t hopeless and a little work on you and your potential hubby’s part can make this much better- after all, you can’t change her, but you can change how she affects the two of you. Good luck and God bless!
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Do we have the same MIL?! Mine is also staying away to ‘punish’ us for not living our lives according to her dictates. They sure don’t understand about punishment, do they? 😉
 
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mumto5:
Do we have the same MIL?! Mine is also staying away to ‘punish’ us for not living our lives according to her dictates. They sure don’t understand about punishment, do they? 😉
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:rotfl: I guess not!
 
Well, when I met my soon to be MIL, she was a boquet of Poison Ivy. And now that we have been married for nearly 10 years, she is still as controlling and contradicting as always. The only thing that has changed is how I view her. I use to get all bad mouthy about her to everyone and talk about all her bad points as a way to make myself feel justified by the hurt she caused. Now I see it from a different point of view.

As sad as it is, and I have to be careful to not pity her, she has never has peace in her life. She has always been conflicted with in, hence why she is always contridicting herself. She is so compulsive/obsessive that she wakes at 3 or 4 in the moring to scrub bathrooms or stays up for long hours to work on geneology. She tries to control everything, including her sons. They know what she is doing no matter what angle she tries, so I know it is not just me. Because of her need for control, she never has peace. She can not control everything. This is where she has her biggest demons. She can not let go of something and let God. She struggles with her faith, or lack of it. She can not trust anyone to do anything right, so she has missed out on so much in life. She can not sit down to enjoy a picnic in the backyard because she worries about the ketchup not having parsley garnish and in a pretty container. She missed the joy of having children laugh and play in the sand because they will get sand on her tablecloth or in their shoes. She does not like me being a HS SAHM because it is different, and it brings up the time in which she chose to return to the work force putting her youngest in daycare. The youngest boy went through some drug attiction as a teen that she blames herself for. It is not really about me as it is her dealing with her demons. I have just been the target to her emotions.

She tried to verbally attack my mother once over Catholicism, she is Protestant somewhat Agnostic. My mother being bestowed with much grace, said “that is so sad, I will be sure to pray for you!” My mother saw this in her from the first meeting, it has taken me over 10 years to get it.

Now, I do have my husband’s support! We were nervous about the first time we were to tell them we were expecting. She had made comments against this, but once her first grandchild came, it was different. She still treated me the same, but she, in her own way, adores my son. I do worry about how she treats my children differently, but we only see them about once a year. (we are a military family.) I also worry about their (both of hubby’s parents) negative influence on my children’s faith, but one of the Friars here said maybe it is my son who will get her to convert.

Remeber God has a plan, we are part of the plan, and others are here to teach us something. Maybe it is just patience, maybe it is to love even those who are not so nice to us. Maybe it is to challenge us to grow more deeply in our faith to understand/overcome these obsticles.

Most importantly, when you die you must answer to God not your MIL. Do God’s will and let him lead you in your life. Ask him what to do, he wants to talk to you if you are willing to listen to him!
 
Well, here’s my .02 worth…

I agree 100% that this is more about your boyfriend/potential future husband than your mil. As long as you are polite (note that does not = door mat!) and he insists on you being treated civil, much harmony can be maintained.

But if the man won’t speak up to mama, then you will find yor marriage forever haunted by this woman and there will rarely ever be any family harmony.

**My own less than stellar mil was so furious over the announcment of our 3rd baby that for the x-mas before his birth, she handed my dh $300 cash, the card of a vas. dr. and told him if he had any brains at all he’d do it behind my back if he needed to! My dh just blew her off, left the money, and loaded the kids in the van!:mad: **

He told her after the baby was born that if she ever again interferred in our marital relationship, it’d be the last time she had to tolorate any of us. Amazingly enough she has found the strength to be surprizingly cordal most of the time since.😛
 
You have received some absoulte great advice here. I really think that it is sad that so many of us do not get along with our MILs.

I gave up on my MIL this past April. I only talk to her in the company of other people and I do not visit with her unless their is someone with me. She’s a twister of words and has mental problems, IMO…I’m just polite and do not tolerate ugly words to myself or my children. It’s took 11 years for me to be confident enough in myself to do so.

Good luck to you…I honestly hope things get better.
 
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