Problems with an ex-girlfriend

[Kevin23]

Hey everyone =)

I just need some advice on a situation I am in at the moment. Pretty much my ex-girlfriend of 3.6 years ended our relationship about 1.5 months ago because she wanted to figure out what makes her happy and to get closer to God. She wanted to trust God and see what His plans for her are. She ended the relationship after she came back from a retreat that included training to become a mission worker for the youth ministry we are both apart of. I was surprised by this as the relationship was good besides the usual problems that come with being in a relationship, disagreements etc. We got along great with each other’s family’s and her family was disappointed in her ending our relationship ( i think they were hoping i would marry her? lol). Anyways this hurt me really bad as I loved this girl and was planning on marrying her. We had talked about it on a few occasions and she seemed to like the idea. (note that these conversations about marriage happened around 6 months before she broke up with me). I was heartbroken and everything, but eventually I learned to trust God and really lean on Him for support. I accepted the break up and worked on my spiritual life more and did things to improve myself. Gym, charity work, serving more in my youth ministry.

Anyways my ex-girlfriend recently came back after 5 days of being overseas attending another youth event. We haven’t really talked much in a month, just short conversations to see how i was doing. But recently she randomly talked to me on facebook. She told me that she has days when she randomly gets frustrated and she doesn’t understand why. She said shes still learning to be content and to follow God so i asked her if she was content with her life and she said that it feels like maybe it is a period of spiritual dryness, and that she is trying to find a permanent state of peace and contentment.

However I find it odd that she is coming to me about this as she was the one who wanted to end things with me. I thought she would be content with her life as she decided that she would be content without me in it. While she was overseas at the youth event, there were plenty of other people who are far more spiritual and strong in their faith than either me or my ex-girlfriend that she could’ve talked to about this, so I don’t understand why she is coming to me.

I realize that me still being in love with her and still wanting to be with her is clouding my judgement and perception on the whole situation and that is why im asking for help. I feel that maybe God is trying to bring us back together and that she wants to be with me too, but I know that i may only feel that way since I still love her and want to be with her. I have only been praying for her happiness even if its not with me but now this is happening and I don’t know what to make of it. I know this may not be very serious compared to the other posts here but any help would be appreciated. By the way she is 21 and I am 22.

 

[Cariethra]

It could be a case of old habits die hard. It could also be that she still sees you as an important person in her life, maybe not in the “serious relationship” way but as a very good friend. She obviously still trusts you and values your (name removed by moderator)ut. If you want to try to reinstate your relationship with her, than continue being there for support no matter what. If she feels a draw to you, she’ll keep coming back, eventually she’ll figure it out.

At the same time don’t put yourself on the line and allow for more heartbreak. Don’t wait forever. Wait long enough for you to get an idea of what she is feeling.

I know this isn’t a direct answer. But I don’t feel that there really is one. Keep praying, God will let you know if this is the right path.

 

[Trishie]

Kevin, I don’t think life allow us “a permanent state of peace and contentment”
Heaven offers that, earth offers many trials as Jesus and Mary also experienced.

The fact that your ex-girlfriend is using you as a ‘sounding-board’ isn’t surprising given that she knows you care about her and the breakup was from her side not yours. She knows she can trust you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants you back. She’s not feeling particularly happy so she knows she can call on you. From what you describe of your efforts and attitude since the breakup, you impress me as a fine young man and a good Catholic Christian.

If you were my son I’d be worried if a girl ran hot and cold…however it does happen that people can come to realizations and to maturity in their choices.

She seems to have the upper hand, she decides when you can’t be close and when you can, so much as you want to hope, please don’t invest too much in hope. You’ve not had an easy time and if she changes her mind again once or twice that is very hard on you.

To some extent you had accepted the situation, but her renewed contact pulls the bandage off the healing wound, and it would be sad and discouraging to be hurt again. So I just want to say, Kevin please be careful and don’t read too much into this yet.

I’ll remember you both in prayer.

 

[St_Francis]

If you feel uncomfortable in any way about this type of conversation with you, you can tell her so right up front. You can just say, Look, we’re not together anymore, and I am ok with that, but this type of conversation makes it difficult for me; or however you feel.

 

[dshix]

In addition to what has already been said, it’s possible that your ex-girlfriend is having a conflict in what her vocation is; she thought that charity works and/or a religious life might be her vocation, but is finding that it doesn’t fit with her.

In this situation, she’s going to you for advice (because she trusts you) and it trying to resolve her problem.

I can’t know exactly what to do without having more context, but if I were you I’d just help her in her struggles as I could and then just wait to see what develops next. If it is God’s will that you marry her, it will be resolved eventually.

 

[Actaeon]

I realize that me still being in love with her and still wanting to be with her is clouding my judgement and perception on the whole situation and that is why im asking for help. I feel that maybe God is trying to bring us back together and that she wants to be with me too, but I know that i may only feel that way since I still love her and want to be with her.

There’s not a question in my mind that you feel this way because of your feelings for her. If she hasn’t made it painfully clear that she wants to be back together with you, then you should operate under the assumption that she doesn’t and continue moving on. Just keep looking out for yourself at this time… if you feel like helping her out, then great, do it, but do it because she’s (only) a friend in need of spiritual advice and not as a path to get back together with her.

Trust me on this, if there’s any chance of you two getting back together, it will NOT come about as a result of waiting around pining for her or trying to use any opportunity for communication as a means of trying to edge closer in hopes of getting back together. The only way for her to miss you is for her to miss what you had… and if you constantly provide that in hopes of getting back together, you send her a false message: that THIS is how you will behave in a friendship and she doesn’t need to get back together with you to continue to get the emotional support that she got when you were her boyfriend.

I have only been praying for her happiness even if its not with me but now this is happening and I don’t know what to make of it. I know this may not be very serious compared to the other posts here but any help would be appreciated. By the way she is 21 and I am 22.

Don’t underrate yourself, Kevin. This is an important question because it is important to YOU. We care about you and your needs as much as any other son of God!

 

[kib]

Hey Kevin,

I have been through a similar experience. After 4 years I ended a relationship with a woman. It can be so hard to lose your girlfriend and best friend. As another poster said, old habits die hard. The two of you have a well established level of intimacy and have grown comfortable with/ accustomed to sharing with each other. This is a difficult bond to break. I wouldn’t invest too much into it. So much changes during the early 20’s, just carefully guard your heart. I am still dealing with sadness over breaking up with my girlfriend 3 years ago (and have dated several good women since). Time is the answer, lots of time. Much peace, brother.

Kib

 

[Kevin23]

Firstly I just want to say thank you all so much for your advice. It really has helped me to see this situation in different perspectives which I am really grateful for I know it is difficult but I am trying to not hope too much in this situation as there are no clear signs of what is to happen.

@dshix: what other information would you like to know?

Hey guys just an update, I think I may have worded something wrong so I’ll re-write it here. There is a part in my original post where I stated that she is trying to learn to be content and to follow God. By that I mean she wants to be content in God alone as I think she didn’t like how she relied on me so much. I didn’t really see anything wrong with this as we were in a serious and loving relationship and I did have the hope of marrying her one day. I was always very supportive of her and her family and was there for her when she needed me. I guess she didn’t like that she relied on me for so much support and that she felt like she needed to trust God more.

 

[domandcarols]

Firstly I just want to say thank you all so much for your advice. It really has helped me to see this situation in different perspectives which I am really grateful for I know it is difficult but I am trying to not hope too much in this situation as there are no clear signs of what is to happen.

@dshix: what other information would you like to know?

Hey guys just an update, I think I may have worded something wrong so I’ll re-write it here. There is a part in my original post where I stated that she is trying to learn to be content and to follow God. By that I mean she wants to be content in God alone as I think she didn’t like how she relied on me so much. I didn’t really see anything wrong with this as we were in a serious and loving relationship and I did have the hope of marrying her one day. I was always very supportive of her and her family and was there for her when she needed me. I guess she didn’t like that she relied on me for so much support and that she felt like she needed to trust God more.

I’ll be praying for you guys.

 

[cmscms]

I agree with the other posters that said something along the lines that it is not good for you to behave as her boyfriend when you are not. If she just wants to be friends, then set the boundary even if that has to be no contact unless we accidentally bump into each other at a group outing.

If you continue to meet her emotional boyfriend needs without actually being her boyfriend, 1 of 2 negative things will happen
a-) she will continue to use you and become a selfish person who doesn’t learn to treat others with respect
b-) she will some to realize how you were willing to put up with her unfair behaviour and loose respect for you

You deserve better. And if you are as good of a man as you appear, there will be other young woman more than happy to date you

CM

 

[KoalaBear87]

Not to be mean, but I an tell your gf is going through some tough times. I know because Ive been there.
Also, this may be and most probably is too much for you to handle.
I know this is cold hearted but if this is the case you should avoid her and try maybe to put in a good word for her.
Just in case shes reading this sometimes our mind gets tired and we need rest.
If she wanted to get back she would have told I guess. Shes probably just looking for a friend.
Pray for her. You are both in my prayers. God bless you.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[chevalier]

Hey everyone =)

Hey, Kevin. Sorry to see you on the wrong end of your girlfriend’s discernment process. Happens more often than you think. There’s like always two or three current threads about in these forums these days.

Anyways my ex-girlfriend recently came back after 5 days of being overseas attending another youth event. We haven’t really talked much in a month, just short conversations to see how i was doing. But recently she randomly talked to me on facebook. She told me that she has days when she randomly gets frustrated and she doesn’t understand why. She said shes still learning to be content and to follow God so i asked her if she was content with her life and she said that it feels like maybe it is a period of spiritual dryness, and that she is trying to find a permanent state of peace and contentment.

I’m not sure permanent peace and contentment can or is meant to be found on earth. It’s more warfare.

However I find it odd that she is coming to me about this as she was the one who wanted to end things with me.

I wanted to say, “women are strange,” but men do that too. Basically, she sees you as a friend, she trusts you. She’s used to talking to you. Plus, you’ve been part of her life for so long, it’d take her a long getting used to if she wanted to forget about you.

I thought she would be content with her life as she decided that she would be content without me in it. While she was overseas at the youth event, there were plenty of other people who are far more spiritual and strong in their faith than either me or my ex-girlfriend that she could’ve talked to about this, so I don’t understand why she is coming to me.

Maybe as a friend or someone she looks up to or someone she trusts. It’s possible there’s nothing romantic in that. A lot depends on what other friends and confidantes she has access to.

I realize that me still being in love with her and still wanting to be with her is clouding my judgement

Yes, that’s very much a possibility. It’s called wishful thinking. Don’t feed illusions, while the truth is hard, it will also set you free. Plus, you don’t really know and can’t really know the truth about a 21 year old girl’s feelings. She doesn’t and can’t either.

I have only been praying for her happiness even if its not with me but now this is happening and I don’t know what to make of it.

You need to have a busy schedule with meaningful things. Bboredom, idleness or even work that doesn’t engage your mind or burn your energy, leaves room for bad feelings and depression. You need to stay sharp and keep your balance.

Besides, the Bible tells us not to put too much hope in princess. Goes for princesses too, doesn’t it?