Problems with fiance family

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Moodring

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Hello I’m new here and I was just wondering if anyone had some advice on my situation.

I am half black-half hispanic, while my fiance is white. We have been dating for little over a year and engaged since new years. All the time while we were dating his family were ok with me, not super friendly but ok. Eversince he’s proposed his family have been voicing Their disproval of our relationship.

They don’t believe in interacial marriages I think that he is making a terrible mistake, and have threaten to disown him. He is very close to he’s family and has confided in me that he is now having doubts about us getting married. He is not sure it is worth all problems it is creating, and that he needs space to think.

I love this man so much, I feel like I have cried all my tears in the last few days. I don’t know what to do. I agreed to give him some space but felt the urge to contact him, and he chastised me for it.

Has anyone been through something similar?
 
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. However, it is best that you found out BEFORE you married him if he is going to cave to pressure from his parents and let them rule his decisions.

If he is such a man, he is not one you want for a husband and father to your children.

If it turns out he ends the relationship, it will hurt and it will feel like you will never find love again. But, then the hurt will fade and you will find a loving man, a BETTER man, worthy of you and all you have to give.
 
I’m sad for you.
If his family act like this regarding you, how would they feel towards your children?

He may be fond of you but a man needs to be able to put his wife first.
He has asked you to marry him but is putting his family first.
You deserve to be loved for all that you are.

It seems unkind of him to chastise you when he knew you are hurting.
He has asked for time to think. May God guide him, and his family.

May God help you through this sad time.

Kind wishes,
Trishie
 
1ke said:
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. However, it is best that you found out BEFORE you married him if he is going to cave to pressure from his parents and let them rule his decisions.

If he is such a man, he is not one you want for a husband and father to your children.

If it turns out he ends the relationship, it will hurt and it will feel like you will never find love again. But, then the hurt will fade and you will find a loving man, a BETTER man, worthy of you and all you have to give.
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Well stated.
 
I am so sorry that you have encountered this racism. God bless you.
 
Moodring said:
Hello I’m new here and I was just wondering if anyone had some advice on my situation.

I am half black-half hispanic, while my fiance is white. We have been dating for little over a year and engaged since new years. All the time while we were dating his family were ok with me, not super friendly but ok. Eversince he’s proposed his family have been voicing Their disproval of our relationship.

They don’t believe in interacial marriages I think that he is making a terrible mistake, and have threaten to disown him. He is very close to he’s family and has confided in me that he is now having doubts about us getting married. He is not sure it is worth all problems it is creating, and that he needs space to think.

I love this man so much, I feel like I have cried all my tears in the last few days. I don’t know what to do. I agreed to give him some space but felt the urge to contact him, and he chastised me for it.

Has anyone been through something similar?
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I have not been through something similar, but you have my deepest sympathies.

If he “isn’t sure” that you are worth dealing with his parents’ racism, then he may not be the right man for you. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be. The only good I can see in the situation is that at least he’s being honest (if, IMHO, cowardly) about the situation, and that it’s come up now rather than in five years. You wouldn’t want to have this situation come up, for example, after your first child was born and his parents didn’t want to be seen in public with her for these same reasons, would you?

Furthermore, I seriously doubt that he was unaware of his parents’ racist beliefs before this. Such beliefs do not just randomly appear one day. He may have chosen to ignore them, but they were there before he met you and, unfortunately, may well remain long after you two either break up or get married.

As for “chastising” you…I imagine he’s under a fair amount of stress, but that’s just unacceptable. You’re supposed to be the person he loves above all others. You are in terrible emotional pain, and reached out to the person you love above all others. If that’s not a natural thing to do, I don’t know what is.

I am so sorry.

(((hugs)))
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been in your situation, but for different reasons. The only (name removed by moderator)ut I have is that for me it was very important that I liked my husbands family and they liked me too. I’ve heard it said that you don’t marry the family, but it doesn’t sound to pleasant to spend special occassions with a bunch of people you don’t like or who don’t like you. I’ll pray for you and hope you find peace.
 
Moodring said:
Hello I’m new here and I was just wondering if anyone had some advice on my situation.

I am half black-half hispanic, while my fiance is white. We have been dating for little over a year and engaged since new years. All the time while we were dating his family were ok with me, not super friendly but ok. Eversince he’s proposed his family have been voicing Their disproval of our relationship.

They don’t believe in interacial marriages I think that he is making a terrible mistake, and have threaten to disown him. He is very close to he’s family and has confided in me that he is now having doubts about us getting married. He is not sure it is worth all problems it is creating, and that he needs space to think.

I love this man so much, I feel like I have cried all my tears in the last few days. I don’t know what to do. I agreed to give him some space but felt the urge to contact him, and he chastised me for it.

Has anyone been through something similar?
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My husbands family did not like me either but my future hubby defended me and stood by me. I think that it might be wise to think of calling it a day with this young man. Not only does he seem immature but also unkind.

Annie
 
My nephew is adopted and is half black and half white. He married a Hispanic girl and they have a beautiful baby boy. Both sets of parents and closest relatives accepted them as a couple and are very supportive. However, his Aunts refuse to even send a Christmas card, and don’t like that he is the only male in the family with the family name still living and has a son now with the same family name. They just ignore them, but I’m sure it hurts anyway. I am also an Aunt (by marriage) and neither my deceased husband (the eldest male of the family) nor I had any problems with it. I think it is better to find out about this racism now, rather than after marriage, when he might choose to leave rather than remain in the marriage! My sympathies to you, and my prayers for God’s healing touch.
 
1ke said:
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. However, it is best that you found out BEFORE you married him if he is going to cave to pressure from his parents and let them rule his decisions.

If he is such a man, he is not one you want for a husband and father to your children.

If it turns out he ends the relationship, it will hurt and it will feel like you will never find love again. But, then the hurt will fade and you will find a loving man, a BETTER man, worthy of you and all you have to give.
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Great, kind advice.
 
Moodring said:
Hello I’m new here and I was just wondering if anyone had some advice on my situation.

I am half black-half hispanic, while my fiance is white. We have been dating for little over a year and engaged since new years. All the time while we were dating his family were ok with me, not super friendly but ok. Eversince he’s proposed his family have been voicing Their disproval of our relationship.

They don’t believe in interacial marriages I think that he is making a terrible mistake, and have threaten to disown him. He is very close to he’s family and has confided in me that he is now having doubts about us getting married. He is not sure it is worth all problems it is creating, and that he needs space to think.

I love this man so much, I feel like I have cried all my tears in the last few days. I don’t know what to do. I agreed to give him some space but felt the urge to contact him, and he chastised me for it.

Has anyone been through something similar?
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I am so sorry. Just remember that you are as good as anyone else. If your fiance is worthy of your love, he will be back to reassure you and tell his parents how wrong they are. If he is not, you will mourn your loss but realise one day that he was not worth your tears. God bless you and comfort you.
 
I’m so sorry that this has happened. As 1ke said, it is better to find out now (rather than after marriage) that he cannot stand up to his racist family, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less for you. Praying that God will give you peace and comfort you.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this.
If he loves you, he will put you first. End of story.
I will pray for you.
 
Yes, I have been in a similar position once. I dated this Asian girl who explained that she preferred white men (I’m mixed-race as well, black and white ancestry) because her parents considered it a “respectable” alternative if she chose to marry out.

So not wanting to disappoint them, I starting going out with her flatmate.

Even if you were unaware of the family’s opposition until recently, it seems unlikely to me that he would be; I’d think they would be more vocal about it behind closed doors, when you weren’t around. Either way, it doesn’t speak well of his judgment. Do you want to marry someone who lacks commitment to independent thought or won’t provide an explanation when he backpedals from a decision? If he won’t confront what’s in front of his eyes, what do you think will happen once you start raising your kids in a racially-conscious society?

Since he asked for space, give it to him – but don’t waste your time accomodating discomfort over your heritage.
 
This is going to hurt a lot, but I think this is a lucky escape for you.
 
When someone asks you to marry him and your question is, “Will you cave in to your family if they try to keep us from marrying?” and his answer is “Umm…,” then you have your answer.

He’s chastising you for even asking the question? If he didn’t have the answer to this question firmly in his mind when you two decided between you that you would marry, he should never have agreed to an engagement at all!!

You have your answer, three times over.
It hurts now, but you’re going to go from hurt to anger and then to relief. You are dodging a bullet.

Contact him and tell him that his worries are over and he is free to marry whomever his family dictates, because it isn’t going to be you. Maybe he will wake up to what a foolish jerk he has been and you’ll save his one-day wife from marrying a spineless wonder.
 
I am very sorry that you are going through this very painful experience. But it may be a blessing in disguise because usually these situations do not get better with time. They often get worse. I would feel more hopeful if your boyfriend put his foot down and defended you immediately. Instead he is being bullied by his family and is starting to cave in to their demands. That alone is very bad for a marriage because his parents will have too much (name removed by moderator)ut into your marriage. If he doesn’t change his mindset soon I would have to advise you to also take time to think about a lifetime of this poor treatment. It will get old and ugly very soon if you were to marry. Please talk to a priest and a marriage counselor.
 
My mother is American Indian, and prior to marrying my father she found out his mother didn’t like Indians. There were lots of reasons why their marriage didn’t work out, but I will guarantee you don’t want to go through life knowing your heritage is unwelcome. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It is so backwards and wrong to dislike a person based on skin color. However, it is always better to discover problems during the engagement. It is much better than finding out after the wedding.
 
1ke said:
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. However, it is best that you found out BEFORE you married him if he is going to cave to pressure from his parents and let them rule his decisions.

If he is such a man, he is not one you want for a husband and father to your children.

If it turns out he ends the relationship, it will hurt and it will feel like you will never find love again. But, then the hurt will fade and you will find a loving man, a BETTER man, worthy of you and all you have to give.
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Very well written. I am also very sorry that you are going through this. I am Hispanic and a newly wed to a white Irish American guy. His family had some doubts about me in the beginning but he always stood by me. When we were dating his family decided to get to know me and now we all get along wonderful To him me being a practicing catholic and a faithful person became more important than race and culture and his family accepted that. I think the right man will stand by you and not let his family rule his decision. If this man finishes the relationship only because of your race, then he is not worthy of you.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Furthermore, I seriously doubt that he was unaware of his parents’ racist beliefs before this. Such beliefs do not just randomly appear one day. (((hugs)))
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One would think not, but I have a friend whoses parents never made a racst remark and who had encouraged her and her siblings to respect everyone, but they absolutely hit the roof when she started datng a black guy. It completely blind sided her.
 
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