Problems with my mom

[angell1]

hi guys, do you think you could give me some advice on what to do?

my mom and i don’t really get along very well and i don’t know if it’s my fault or not

whenever a situation happens that she’s not happy with, she will resurrect it a million times after it’s over. for example, if i forget to do a chore or anything athd ispleases her, i’ll hear about for a long time. and just when i think we’ve gotten past it, it comes up again. “remember, last time…?”

and whenever i make a mistake or get angry or frustrated, she goes “well, you’re not supposed to do that because you’re cahtolic. what’s the point of you going to church if you can’t even act like it? i’m not baptized and i’m better than you.”

also, when she gets mad at me, she swares at me a lot and constantly tells me to shut up if i even try to explain myself a bit. then she says i don’t respect her because i’m “talking back”. but i feel really disrespected by the swearing.

also, there was a situation in the past with a guy, we had feelings for each other but i knew it wouldn’t work out so i eventually ended things. we never officially dates because i knew my mom didn’t like him. i shouldn’t have gotten involved in all because i wasn’t sure of y feelings myself and we did some things that i regret now. just a messy situation i wish never happened. anyways, she constantly harasses me about it and gets angry whenever i go places where he might be. even i told her that ther’es nothing and we’re just friends now. we never said we were dating and i knew from the beginning it was probably not going to get anywhere. it was my fault for sure for still getting mixed up in it, i acknowledge that but i just want to move on now but it’s like she won’t let me.

another thing, if someone that she doesn’t necessarily like gives me a gift or something, it will eventually disappear from my possession without my knowing. she basically will throw out things that she knows came from someone she’s not fond of without asking me or talking to me about and just going and grabbing it herself. and when i confront her about it, i get something like “it’s my house, you have o obey my rules, if i don’t want something in my house, i have the right to get rid of it”

she also depends on me way too much, my dad had an affair 12 years ago and ever since then she doesn’t really trust him anymore and i expects me to do everything. i constantly get comments like “who’s going to take care of me when i’m old, your dad won’t” and i’m an only child. so yesterday i responded with" well i will but it would have been easier if you had more kids" and she didn’t like that. accused me of not caring. also, she basically thinks i’m going to live at home for the rest of my life and that i don’t relaly need a job or anything. but the money has to comd from somewhere. and when i mention that, i get “well if you really had a heart, you wouldn’t worry about and know that God will take care of us.”

also, if i’m out somewhere and she soddenly decides that she’s not happy with me being out, she’ll phone me and scream at me until i come home. i would meet people and had to back of many things because of this. she says i’m out too much and need to be at home with her more and when i get there and try to talk to her, she says to leave her alone because she’s watching tv or doing something on her ipad. and she says i care about other people too much. she got angry when i suggested that we should give a bit more to the parish collection each week when i baked something once for an old lady at church. she alwyas says i never do things like that for her even though i do

i just don’t know what to do anymore. the stress is getting too much. i would move but i need to finish university and get ajob first. any advice? am i doing something wrong or being immature about all this? i do want to be a better daughter but i just feel like i’m useless around her and nothing is ever good enough. also, there’s the issue with my disability, she thinks it’s her fault and doesn’t want to believe that it’s a genetic problem even though it is. she doesn’t want to be the one responsible for “bad genes” and i have gotten remarks like “well if i knew you were going to be like this, i never would have had you.” or “if i had known at the time, it would have better to abort you.” she thinks it’s because i suffer a lot in life but, honestly, it’s the worst thing to here that from your own mom. other people’s comments dont mean much to me usually

don’t get me wrong, i love her and she has done so much for me and helped me a lot but the impulsive and unstable behaviour is hard to handle sometimes

 

[PazzoGrande]

Wow, I’m sorry for your problems. The abort comment is the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

The only thing you could do is seek counseling for the both of you. Parents have a way of dismissing off their kids’ complaints against them, or getting excessively defensive, so I don’t think anything you could say or do yourself would help.

The way to frame it is that you want to seek family counseling because it would help you get along. Best to avoid suggesting it in an accusatory fashion, that won’t get you anywhere.

Talking to a priest might help. Or Catholic Charities might offer family counseling services. The Church is always there to help.

Then whoever gives counsel hopefully will have the know-how about telling your mom what her faults are in a gentle constructive way.

Also whoever gives counsel would hear her side too, so she’ll have that outlet she needs.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I say seek counseling for yourself, and if it’s possible to do so without her knowing, then do. She has major control issues and she’s probably not going to change; if she does, that’d be great, but you are being abused and controlled and it’s not going to get better. You’re also at risk for ending up in abusive or other dysfunctional relationships.

Break free while you can - make a plan for your own life. She will oppose you and you may feel anxiety and fear that you can’t really break away. But the longer things go on the way they are now, trust me, you could miss the “window” for breaking away.

Have a part of your life - not secretive because of anything shameful - but just something that’s your own. Find one trusted person to confide in and help you. If someone gives you a gift that you fear she’ll throw out, leave the item with that person. Leave a little stash of money too. If you are of age, get a job and your own bank account when you are able.

Above all, don’t be dependent - this kind of personality thinks you owe them your life. Independence is a source of anxiety for them, that’s why they’re controlling, that and probably their own woundedness making for a sour attitude about life. You don’t need the negativity and the drama. Pray for your mom, of course, pray that she be healed, but don’t be a doormat. I’ll pray for you and for her. Good luck and God Bless.

 

[Memaw]

hi guys, do you think you could give me some advice on what to do?

my mom and i don’t really get along very well and i don’t know if it’s my fault or not

whenever a situation happens that she’s not happy with, she will resurrect it a million times after it’s over. for example, if i forget to do a chore or anything athd ispleases her, i’ll hear about for a long time. and just when i think we’ve gotten past it, it comes up again. “remember, last time…?”

and whenever i make a mistake or get angry or frustrated, she goes “well, you’re not supposed to do that because you’re cahtolic. what’s the point of you going to church if you can’t even act like it? i’m not baptized and i’m better than you.”

also, when she gets mad at me, she swares at me a lot and constantly tells me to shut up if i even try to explain myself a bit. then she says i don’t respect her because i’m “talking back”. but i feel really disrespected by the swearing.

also, there was a situation in the past with a guy, we had feelings for each other but i knew it wouldn’t work out so i eventually ended things. we never officially dates because i knew my mom didn’t like him. i shouldn’t have gotten involved in all because i wasn’t sure of y feelings myself and we did some things that i regret now. just a messy situation i wish never happened. anyways, she constantly harasses me about it and gets angry whenever i go places where he might be. even i told her that ther’es nothing and we’re just friends now. we never said we were dating and i knew from the beginning it was probably not going to get anywhere. it was my fault for sure for still getting mixed up in it, i acknowledge that but i just want to move on now but it’s like she won’t let me.

another thing, if someone that she doesn’t necessarily like gives me a gift or something, it will eventually disappear from my possession without my knowing. she basically will throw out things that she knows came from someone she’s not fond of without asking me or talking to me about and just going and grabbing it herself. and when i confront her about it, i get something like “it’s my house, you have o obey my rules, if i don’t want something in my house, i have the right to get rid of it”

she also depends on me way too much, my dad had an affair 12 years ago and ever since then she doesn’t really trust him anymore and i expects me to do everything. i constantly get comments like “who’s going to take care of me when i’m old, your dad won’t” and i’m an only child. so yesterday i responded with" well i will but it would have been easier if you had more kids" and she didn’t like that. accused me of not caring. also, she basically thinks i’m going to live at home for the rest of my life and that i don’t relaly need a job or anything. but the money has to comd from somewhere. and when i mention that, i get “well if you really had a heart, you wouldn’t worry about and know that God will take care of us.”

also, if i’m out somewhere and she soddenly decides that she’s not happy with me being out, she’ll phone me and scream at me until i come home. i would meet people and had to back of many things because of this. she says i’m out too much and need to be at home with her more and when i get there and try to talk to her, she says to leave her alone because she’s watching tv or doing something on her ipad. and she says i care about other people too much. she got angry when i suggested that we should give a bit more to the parish collection each week when i baked something once for an old lady at church. she alwyas says i never do things like that for her even though i do

i just don’t know what to do anymore. the stress is getting too much. i would move but i need to finish university and get ajob first. any advice? am i doing something wrong or being immature about all this? i do want to be a better daughter but i just feel like i’m useless around her and nothing is ever good enough. also, there’s the issue with my disability, she thinks it’s her fault and doesn’t want to believe that it’s a genetic problem even though it is. she doesn’t want to be the one responsible for “bad genes” and i have gotten remarks like “well if i knew you were going to be like this, i never would have had you.” or “if i had known at the time, it would have better to abort you.” she thinks it’s because i suffer a lot in life but, honestly, it’s the worst thing to here that from your own mom. other people’s comments dont mean much to me usually

don’t get me wrong, i love her and she has done so much for me and helped me a lot but the impulsive and unstable behaviour is hard to handle sometimes

Sounds like she needs some real help. like some counseling. Can you talk to your Dad about this. Prayers for you all, God Bless, Memaw

 

[angell1]

Sounds like she needs some real help. like some counseling. Can you talk to your Dad about this. Prayers for you all, God Bless, Memaw

my dad won’t do anything. he sees it happen and just says “oh well, you know that’s just how she is.” and she does the same things to him too. i don’t even want to think of all the kinds of trouble i would get in if i suggested counselling. i’m ok momst of the time, i just learn to absort it and not let it deter me. and it doesn’t affect my other relations, in fact, it shows me the things i don’t want to be doing.

i’m working on finishing school and finding a job, it’s harder when you have a disability though, people are not too keen on hiring you

 

[Xantippe]

angell1 said:

“i just don’t know what to do anymore. the stress is getting too much. i would move but i need to finish university and get ajob first. any advice? am i doing something wrong or being immature about all this?”

Just do what you’re doing–finish up and get a job and get out.

“i do want to be a better daughter but i just feel like i’m useless around her and nothing is ever good enough. also, there’s the issue with my disability, she thinks it’s her fault and doesn’t want to believe that it’s a genetic problem even though it is. she doesn’t want to be the one responsible for “bad genes” and i have gotten remarks like “well if i knew you were going to be like this, i never would have had you.” or “if i had known at the time, it would have better to abort you.” she thinks it’s because i suffer a lot in life but, honestly, it’s the worst thing to here that from your own mom. other people’s comments dont mean much to me usually”

This is mildly hypocritical, but how about saying, “As long as I know you love me, I don’t mind being disabled”?

 

[1ke]

You mom has mental problems. Try to get assistance from a disability group, there are many that help those with disabilities live independently.

 

[EasterJoy]

You mom has mental problems. Try to get assistance from a disability group, there are many that help those with disabilities live independently.

Getting the mother a legally-recognized diagnosis of mental disability might not be easy, however. Not everyone who has bad life strategies has a debilitating disorder. A disorder, yes, but some mental disorders are not debilitating so much as they make the disordered person ready and willing to pretend disability when they are very much capable of caring for themselves.

If the OP is in school, it is very likely she is eligible for free counselling and free career advice through her school–all paid for in the tuition. She can’t make use of that too soon! Monday morning would be a good time!

My feeling is that the OP needs to get out of her parent’s home, get her own emotional affairs in order, and gets help in putting some ethical, realistic, and sustainable boundaries down before she wades in and tries to render help to her mother. If she cannot move out, she needs to figure out how to be there as little as possible and to disconnect herself from her mother’s bids to manipulate her.

The idea isn’t to abandon her mother. The idea is to clear her head in order to render her parents the help that will actually do them the most good instead of doing what the mother is attempting to manipulate her into doing. For instance, she is more likely to be a productive employee if she gets out, which will make her more able to both help her mother and to support herself and whatever charitable endeavors she can. If she does what her mother wants, OTOH, she will not only be less self-supporting, but will be far less able to do good for anyone else, including her mother.

Again, if she is in school, there are counsellors who can help her find the support she needs, including support groups that let her talk with other people who have similar challenges to cope with. This isn’t something to face alone, with no knowledge of the landscape. Even a little knowledgeable guidance through her options might help her tremendously. Certainly getting help in defying manipulative ploys that have been used on her for a lifetime is vital. Her mom knows where all her buttons are. She needs someone to help her lock them out and to map out new ways to cope with her mother’s unfair ploys.

 

[Trishie]

As a mother I’m saddened by what you endure, and I thank and praise God for giving you faith and strength to live as generously as you can in a painful ongoing situation.
My prayers for your mother, father, and for a hopeful, healthy future for you.
May God’s Angels surround you at all times.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions to receive the help you need.

 

[Mr_Clean]

Praying for your situation. Got no advice for you but I know God does - May you know it when you see it.

 

[1ke]

Getting the mother a legally-recognized diagnosis of mental disability might not be easy, however.

I believe you misunderstood me. It is angell1 who has a disability, she is blind, and who I was recommending should seek out help to live independently.

Her mother has issues for sure, but it is angell1 who I was recommending the disability assistance for. I am sure it is quite difficult, and scary, to think about living on one’s own when one is blind. But, there are so many things that can help with independent living now, and disability groups will be able to help with those types of resources and possibly grant money, etc.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I believe you misunderstood me. It is angell1 who has a disability, she is blind, and who I was recommending should seek out help to live independently.

Her mother has issues for sure, but it is angell1 who I was recommending the disability assistance for. I am sure it is quite difficult, and scary, to think about living on one’s own when one is blind. But, there are so many things that can help with independent living now, and disability groups will be able to help with those types of resources and possibly grant money, etc.

That’s even worse that the mom is mean - it would be bad enough if the OP were completely able-bodied. I know a family where something like this happened, the mom was mean to one daughter who’d lost an eye, and compared her to her “whole” sister unmercifully. There was also physical abuse to the non-favored child. In light of the severity of blindness as her disability, I do recommend the OP lose no time in getting counseling and making a plan for self-support when she comes of age.