Problems with my mother...again

[LaSainte]

So I have been having problems with my mother’s constant criticism for years. Well, she is due today to visit for 4 days and I called to talk to her about my plans for my children’s birthdays later next month, how I was thinking of taking my boys to a Monster Truck rally, etc. She immediately started telling me a Monster Truck rally is no place for kids and that sometimes she really questions some of the choices I make, etc. Well, I told her that I was just sick of her nonstop criticism. She said it’s not criticism, but just helpful advice. So I went on to cite recent examples of her criticism- calling me and my family a band of gypsies because we came out to Denver for a few months with my husband on a work assignment, tling me just yesterday that for someone with such a strong personality, I act very weak, chastising me because I drank a diet soda when my 4 year old son was out with his Dad because my son came home and saw it and wanted some, asking me if I HAVE to be on me phone all the time when I was just taking it out to take a picture of my son, chastising me for taking a bite of a sandwich she made for my son that he wasn’t eating, chastising me for sitting down to eat at a picnic when my kids clearly wanted to play, criticizing me for going to Church on a SUNDAY because it wasn’t really necessary while we were visiting them, criticizing me for reminding my husband that we had to make time for Church on a weekend when he and my father-in-law were planning a fishing excursion. These are just SOME of the examples of her criticism over the past few months.

Well, we ended up sort of shouting at each other over the phone. She told me she wasn’t getting on the plane and hung up on me, so I texted her back and told her that this has been bothering me for a long while but that we could still have a nice weekend and the kids would love to see her.

She texted me back that I have always been critical of her parenting and that she was coming but keeping her mouth shut and never saying another word about my life or my kids again.

So, this is sure to be the awkward weekend from hell

Any advice on how to deal with this. 4 days of awkwardness is a long time and I think our relationship has been seriously, seriously damaged by this.

 

[nodito]

She texted me back that I have always been critical of her parenting and that she was coming but keeping her mouth shut and never saying another word about my life or my kids again.

I’d be thinking, “Great!”

Act normally around her. Welcome her with a hug and a kiss and ask about her week. If you need to apologize for screaming or anything you said, do it matter-of-factly with little fanfare shortly after she arrives. Then act like it never happened. If she starts to criticize, smile and say, “Mom, you promised you wouldn’t criticize me again” then go on with your day.

 

[hannajomar]

I agree with the others. If she sulks, that’s on her. Do what you can reasonably do to show her you love her and value her. But you don’t need to give in to an aggressive tantrum or a passive-aggressive tantrum.

 

[pollylodges]

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

 

[Sebrina]

"She texted me back that I have always been critical of her parenting and that she was coming but keeping her mouth shut and never saying another word about my life or my kids again. "

do you think you could get that in writing?

Seriously, let her sulk if that’s what she wants to do. From the sound of it, it looks like you may be more adult than your mother.

 

[LaSainte]

I’d be thinking, “Great!”

Act normally around her. Welcome her with a hug and a kiss and ask about her week. If you need to apologize for screaming or anything you said, do it matter-of-factly with little fanfare shortly after she arrives. Then act like it never happened. If she starts to criticize, smile and say, “Mom, you promised you wouldn’t criticize me again” then go on with your day.

Thanks, I will try. I did apologize via text when no wrote, “Your criticism has been bothering me for a very long time, especially in front of the kids, and I bottled it up because I didn’t want to fight, so I’m sorry if I over-reacted a bit and shouted. We would still like to see you and have a nice weekend though, especially the kids.”

I wanted to convey that while I am sorry that things got a little heated, I STILL cannot accept her constant criticism but would like to move past it and have the best weekend possible under the circumstances for the kids.

She has always been highly critical of me, but since I had kids it is just so much WORSE. She thinks if she is doing it “for their sakes” then nothing is off limits.

We will see how the weekend goes!

 

[LaSainte]

I agree with the others. If she sulks, that’s on her. Do what you can reasonably do to show her you love her and value her. But you don’t need to give in to an aggressive tantrum or a passive-aggressive tantrum.

This will be rough, but I am going to make every effort to do exactly this.

 

[LaSainte]

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Thank you !!!

 

[LaSainte]

"She texted me back that I have always been critical of her parenting and that she was coming but keeping her mouth shut and never saying another word about my life or my kids again. "

do you think you could get that in writing?

Seriously, let her sulk if that’s what she wants to do. From the sound of it, it looks like you may be more adult than your mother.

Haha! I’m keeping this text: I’m not discussing this anymore. Lead your life the way you want, raise your kids the way you want. I’m not saying another word.

Of course if I were putting my children in danger or raising them to be Satanists or something, I can see why she would want to say something, but me drinking a diet soda??? Going to Sunday Mass with the kids when nobody else feels like going to church? Why would she criticize me for things like this? Most parents would be proud to see their children putting in the effort to attend Mass. And the soda? My parents SMOKED IN THE HOUSE throughout my childhood, and I had ATHSMA

I don’t get her…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Haha! I’m keeping this text: I’m not discussing this anymore. Lead your life the way you want, raise your kids the way you want.** I’m not saying another word.**

Of course if I were putting my children in danger or raising them to be Satanists or something, I can see why she would want to say something, but me drinking a diet soda??? Going to Sunday Mass with the kids when nobody else feels like going to church? Why would she criticize me for things like this? Most parents would be proud to see their children putting in the effort to attend Mass. And the soda? My parents SMOKED IN THE HOUSE throughout my childhood, and I had ATHSMA

I don’t get her…

And frozen pigs are flying out of Hell at this moment…



Hahaha! Just keep that visual image in front of you the whole weekend, and you will laugh and smile at everything she says.

 

[LaSainte]

And frozen pigs are flying out of Hell at this moment…



Hahaha! Just keep that visual image in front of you the whole weekend, and you will laugh and smile at everything she says.

Hahaha!!! Thank you Juliane! I needed that

 

[Sunbreak]

I know it’s hard if someone in the family has a critical nature. Instead of taking it all in, try thinking of the things she says as just her own personal opinion instead of hearing a “you’re doing it wrong” statement. She may actually mean in that way, but in reality, it is only her own opinion.

 

[Softly]

When I had to deal with my mother’s criticisms, I found that if I pretended she was an acquaintance, rather than my overseer, I could cope with the remarks. I’d be polite and pleasant and ignore all the mean comments, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”, and then change the subject or walk away. You don’t have to explain yourself to her; it’ll just get you mired in arguments and hurt feelings.

I’m glad I figured this out because it really helped our relationship. She passed away two years ago and I miss her (not her carping, though!).

 

[anon1234567]

"She texted me back that I have always been critical of her parenting and that she was coming but keeping her mouth shut and never saying another word about my life or my kids again. "

do you think you could get that in writing?

Seriously, let her sulk if that’s what she wants to do. From the sound of it, it looks like you may be more adult than your mother.

 

[agnes_therese]

If she starts to criticize, smile and say, “Mom, you promised you wouldn’t criticize me again” then go on with your day.

Exactly – look on the bright side, you’ve got this to say from now on!

Not to make light of your relationship troubles at all, but I wish my Mom had said something like that just once. I would have run with it.

 

[rayne89]

I have one of those mothers with added mental illness added for good measure. Its hard but its all about her -she feels the need to criticize so she feels more adequate. Your a good parent & a good person, try to not to take it to heart.

 

[LaSainte]

I have one of those mothers with added mental illness added for good measure. Its hard but its all about her -she feels the need to criticize so she feels more adequate. Your a good parent & a good person, try to not to take it to heart.

Thank you wouldn’t mind hearing that from her occasionally!

 

[Aggie414]

I didn’t read through the responses, but I guess I would offer this piece of advice: You know how she is. Don’t call her to talk about the ideas you have for your children’s anything – birthday parties, fun outings. Anything. That way she can’t offer an opinion.

 

[LaSainte]

I have one of those mothers with added mental illness added for good measure. Its hard but its all about her -she feels the need to criticize so she feels more adequate. Your a good parent & a good person, try to not to take it to heart.

I didn’t read through the responses, but I guess I would offer this piece of advice: You know how she is. Don’t call her to talk about the ideas you have for your children’s anything – birthday parties, fun outings. Anything. That way she can’t offer an opinion.

THIS is what I need to do.

 

[crystal_waters]

Just a suggestion, but maybe your mother could stay elsewhere (hotel/motel/bed and breakfast, etc ) when she comes to visit, that way you dont have to deal with her 24/7 during her visit,