Problems with strict (extremely) parents

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saintintraining

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Hey everyone,

Well, I just want to share a little bit of my problem with my parents and we can open it to discussion for everyone in general who may have a similar problem or who just wants to comment on this subject.

I’m 22 and graduated from College last May and have a wonderful job, but still live with my parents. When I was in College my parents didn’t let me do much because I was in College and I needed to wait until graduation to “enjoy my life.” Ok… I really don’t go out, because the places here are not good at all, so I really stay at home a lot and I do enjoy it. I only get together with my coworkers one night a week to just do something together and my parents don’t like that… they say that I come home too late (10:30 pm). On the other hand, I go to Daily Mass and then go to workout after work so because I work all day, I really don’t get home until 7:00 pm or 7:30 pm. But they are making this big issue about how I don’t spend time with them at all. Besides these two things, and going to Young Adult groups at my church (one night per month) and teaching Catechism (all sunday nights) I really don’t go out AT ALL. This bothers me so much, because I’m young and I want to share with other people too or want to go to Mass and then take care a little bit of myself by going to the gym. What’s wrong with that? And I do spend time with them. I just want to move out, because I don’t think they will ever understand.

On the other hand, I met a great Catholic young man on the internet and it seems that we’ll be starting a relationship… so he wants to come visit me. He wants to even write my parents to ask their permission to come visit me and then if we work things out he wants to ask for their blessing so we can start courting. I’m afraid to tell them this, because they really don’t agree with having boyfriends, because they think I’d be getting married soon or something. Because of this, I’ve hid a lot of things on this subject to them and I really hate doing that. I really want their blessing.

If there are any parents here, please help me on this. Thanks and God bless!
 
you are 22, out of college, working, why are you still living at home, fly away, leave the nest, little bird.
 
As a parent, the first thing I would tell you is beware of the internet!! Especially meeting people. If my daughter told me this, I would be a little scared. Maybe I am too old but that is my first impression.

Have you talked to your parents about your feelings? Obviously I don’t have enough information to give you good advice regarding your situation. I would suggest that you pray for you and your parents and you definitely need to tell them about your friend.

God will lead you in the right direction if you ask him. Please don’t make decisions based on pain.

ybiC,
Trevor 😉
 
I agree that maybe it’s time to find a nice apartment on your own. Your parents will always be there to visit.

Be careful about the internet relationship - some will attest they can work but you need prudence. Pray and ask God to guide your actions. Try not to let your emotions guide you.

Have fun.
 
Thanks for the feedback.

About my friend, he’s someone I met on a Catholic website on straphael.net and we’ve been talking for a while and agreed that the only way we’d meet would be if he’d come to my house, because in all honesty, even though we may feel we know each other, we really don’t so we’re being careful about that. This would not be the first time my parents meet someone I’ve met on the internet. I met a good friend who I met on the same site came to visit me and they met him and it was all great. I think they trust me about that and they even said that the Pope blessed the Internet for a reason. But this friend was just that, I’m afraid they would not like that this new person may become something more than just that.
 
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saintintraining:
Thanks for the feedback.

About my friend, he’s someone I met on a Catholic website on straphael.net and we’ve been talking for a while and agreed that the only way we’d meet would be if he’d come to my house, because in all honesty, even though we may feel we know each other, we really don’t so we’re being careful about that. This would not be the first time my parents meet someone I’ve met on the internet. I met a good friend who I met on the same site came to visit me and they met him and it was all great. I think they trust me about that and they even said that the Pope blessed the Internet for a reason. But this friend was just that, I’m afraid they would not like that this new person may become something more than just that.
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Well, you need to come clean because now you said you feel you need to hide things from your parents. That is disrespectful to them and hurtful if they found out. If they did find out you would be erroding their trust. Man oh man, that opens the door for far more problems.

If you want to start a romantic relationship, you need to stop acting as a child with the hiding and the fearing. You are old enough to make a romantic decision and take charge of your life but part of this still means respecting your parents, especially while you live in thier house.

If God has brought the 2 of you together, then trust in God. If you are being driven to hide, hmmm, not a good thing.
 
saintintraining, don’t let your parents control your life. Be the woman God meant you to be. I know you love your parents, but you have no obligation to obey them any longer, only respect and love them. Get your own place, and make your own life. Tell your parents that you are interested in this young man and ask them to pray for you. You might be surprised at their reaction. My own husband was afraid to tell his parents when we got engaged. When he finally did, they were hurt that he waited so long, and embraced me and said “welcome to the family.” Your fear and submission only reinforces their opinion of your naivete. Show them you are a grown woman capable of standing on your own.

God Bless
 
It’s the culture you are in, the deep south and you are from an Italian family. Both are VERY family centered. Every watch “A Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Change Greek to Italian and there you have it. Your parents will probably want you to live with in 1/2 mile of them when you move out and/or get married.

Point being, read the book, **Boundaries **by Henry Cloud located at amazon.com. The choice is really yours, are you or your parents going to run your life?
 
Get your finances in order ASAP. Put about 3 mos. worth of expenses in the bank, then jet. Get your own apartment, live your own life. Your parents will always be this way until you 1) strike out on your own, and 2) tell them how you feel about the way they are treating you (preferably after you move out).
 
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wabrams:
Get your finances in order ASAP. Put about 3 mos. worth of expenses in the bank, then jet. Get your own apartment, live your own life. Your parents will always be this way until you 1) strike out on your own, and 2) tell them how you feel about the way they are treating you (preferably after you move out).
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I agree with #1 but not #2. Don’t burn bridges, especially with family. The other thing you could do it find a job in another city/state and tell your parents that your HAVE to move.
 
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dhgray:
I agree with #1 but not #2. Don’t burn bridges, especially with family. The other thing you could do it find a job in another city/state and tell your parents that your HAVE to move.
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I had to do #2 with my dad. If I hadn’t, he would still be overbearing to this day. There are ways to do it w/o burning bridges.
 
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wabrams:
Get your finances in order ASAP. Put about 3 mos. worth of expenses in the bank, then jet. Get your own apartment, live your own life. Your parents will always be this way until you 1) strike out on your own, and 2) tell them how you feel about the way they are treating you (preferably after you move out).
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I don’t agree about telling your parents how you feel. What’s the point if you have already moved out? I think in doing so, you create unnecessary tension when you have already dealt with the problems in a mature way by moving out.

I think to do so would be a slap in the face to your parents.
 
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jrabs:
I don’t agree about telling your parents how you feel. What’s the point if you have already moved out? I think in doing so, you create unnecessary tension when you have already dealt with the problems in a mature way by moving out.

I think to do so would be a slap in the face to your parents.
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So just ignore the problem and it will go away? Moving out is but one step. I’ve been through this before and talking to my parents about how they treated me was a blessing. We have a better relationship now because of it.
 
your parents are exercising an exorbitant amount of control over your life, but you are letting them.

move out, move out, move out, move out!!!

i do not agree that at age 22, you have to “clarify” anything for your parents, concerning your personal life, unless you are under their roof.

so…get out from underneath them and start living and learning.

furthermore, inviting someone from the internet to your home is not a good idea, at least for a first meeting. a public place is much better. what if this guy is a little stalker-esque? what if you meet him and you simply aren’t that interested and the chemistry isn’t there? he knows where you live and can show up whenever he wants. just pick a Starbucks and go have coffee with him…something simple.

i was already finished with graduate school around the time most people are still in college. this was difficult for my parents because i was very young but an ‘adult’ with an education. i had established my independence early on by funding everything myself and making my own choices but doing so in a way that they felt included. however, they still felt a need to assert their opinion as much as possible. i spent a couple years working around my hometown, but…i felt like i was still obligated to keep them “informed” of every detail of my life–something they unwittingly had come to expect, due to my lack of boundaries. i also took their criticism very hard and their disapproval was difficult for me…but it was a control mechanism on their part, even though with good intention.

i moved across the country at 22, and they chose not to speak to me for a few weeks, due to their shock and hurt. (i spent six months planning the move, but they couldn’t believe i would actually do so. and i was not moving from living inside their home, but from my own place.) however, it was that separation that ultimately restored my relationship with my parents, who i love very much. sometimes getting a little distance can make one appreciate our loved ones even more. i am 25 now, and they do not question the decisions I make with my husband–except to be supportive. if they are concerned, they express their concern and i listen carefully. i still ask their advice about some things, but i am careful to clarify for them when i just want a listening ear and when i want to hear possible solutions or suggestions. my parents are sensitive enough that they appreciate me spelling out exactly what i want or need. they do the same for me, and during the last three years or so, i have finally felt like an adult in their eyes and i am not spoken to nor regarded as a child. in fact, because they no longer want to control me, i tell them MUCH more than i ever did. sharing and talking to them is fun now, because i know they just want to see me happy and healthy and they realize i don’t have to do things their way in order to be so.

i am not saying you should move across the country. 🙂 but move out, somewhere nearby work, and stop feeling guilty for wanting to live your life. you sound like a very morally grounded young woman is perfectly capable of making good choices.you don’t need to run everything by them!!!
 
Yeah, my life is very similar to the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” because of my background, which is kinda cute until some point. I know they love me and want to protect me, which I appreciate very much, but it has gotten to a point that is frustrating and I’ve told them that they don’t have anything to worry about, and my dad understands and agrees that I need to buy a house (but to rent it, not to live in it), but my mom doesn’t. They should know what kind of daughter they have and they should trust me. I have a 15-yr old brother and no I don’t trust him, because I was his age and I know the kind of peer pressure you can be under, so I try to talk to him and give him the tools he needs to make the right decisions.

I just wonder why can’t my parents understand that I’m not 12 or 15 anymore. All my friends and everybody at my parish can see the kind of person I am and trust me, why parents can’t? PARENTS: Is it just my parents or have you felt being in that position before too?

I do feel I need to tell them how I feel and I’ve done it before, but my mom, especially, keeps treating me like I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve really thought of talking to our priest for spiritual direction and asking for his intervention for this. What do you think?
 
I agree First move out. It is time, you do need to learn to live your life under your own roof. It may be hard for your parents to let go, but they’ve done their job, and it’s time.

I would meet any internet friend at a public place, and bring another friend/family member with me to this meeting. I wouldn’t give out personal information until I met someone in person and decided that you wanted to take this friendship/courtship further.

God Bless.
 
Hi! 👋

At the risk of sounding like a broken record it’s time for you to move out.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
I agree with meeting the friend from the Internet in a public place, but he lives far away and the only way we could see each other is if he either comes visit me or viceversa and we both decided that if I’d go to visit him, it probably wouldn’t look right.
 
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saintintraining:
I agree with meeting the friend from the Internet in a public place, but he lives far away and the only way we could see each other is if he either comes visit me or viceversa and we both decided that if I’d go to visit him, it probably wouldn’t look right.
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there are ways to do this, silly girl.

have him fly in and you can either meet him at the airport or he can take a shuttle from the airport to a hotel nearby.

meet him in the lobby of his hotel, or the hotel bar, or whatever, and have a drink and talk.

meeting you does not mean he gets to make his way to your house and stay with you and your family. that is not safe.

hopefully you will choose to talk to him on the phone (preferrably your cell phone–privacy!!!) for a LONG time before you are certain that meeting him is what you want.

if you want, truly want, to include your parents, as him if he will be willing to talk to your dad on the phone (since your dad is somewhat more reasonable about you asserting your independence). just put it in a simple way of , “hey my dad would like to chat with you for a couple minutes and get to know the person i am so excited about”… see what your dad thinks. if you trust your dad enough, you can also explain to him where you are going and what you are doing when you choose to meet the guy.

or, take a close friend with you to the hotel/airport/whatever place when you meet him. if things go well, then wonderful. trust your instincts and intuition.
 
I’m speaking as a parent of adult children.
You do sound like a “saint in training” and your parents should trust and be proud of you. That being said, you may have to move out and show them how responsible you are. As long as you live at home, they may have a hard time seeing you as an adult. The advice you have been given here is excellent. I’d follow it. God bless~
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saintintraining:
Hey everyone,

If there are any parents here, please help me on this. Thanks and God bless!
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