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saintintraining
Guest
Yeah, I agree…thanks… he won’t be staying with us though. He’ll be staying at a hotel.
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dhgray
Guest
WOW, You have 2 dialogues going on here, I’ll take the point of the parent, I do agree with the other posters too.
QUESTION: What generation of American are you?
My mother still tried to run things until I retired from the military. She justified my moving away because of my military service.
When I retiered, she asked me when I was moving back home to Ohio… I replied, “Chicago is my home. We have a home there, the kids friends are there, our ministry is there. I love you mom, but my life is in Chicago.” I would like to move closer to my family, but I have my own life."
Find a copy of the book Boundries (check your library). It has worked for all my brothers and sisters too.
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1ke
Guest
Dear Saint in Training…
First, move out!!! Your parents are control freaks. They are beyond caring and concerned… they have a problem. You are 22 and live a very upright life. You are attending daily mass, participating in Church, and have a college education and a good job. There is NOTHING wrong with you and they have no right to be taking the attitude with you that they are, regardless of whether you live with them or not. If they are going to hold the fact that you live with them over your head to control you then you MUST move out.
As to the guy you met over St Raphael… I met my fiance via Ave Maria. We are getting married in August. The first meeting, I flew to his state and stayed with him and his family. Honestly, you have a good head on your shoulders and from what you’ve written here you are not taking undue risks in meeting him as you have described it-- him coming to your town, staying in a hotel, etc. Yes, caution is necessary but I believe you are taking proper caution.
Don’t let your parents keep you from living the life you were meant to live. You are a terrific young lady!
Leaving the controling situation does not mean you do not love or respect your parents-- so don’t let them lay the guilt trip on you.
First, move out!!! Your parents are control freaks. They are beyond caring and concerned… they have a problem. You are 22 and live a very upright life. You are attending daily mass, participating in Church, and have a college education and a good job. There is NOTHING wrong with you and they have no right to be taking the attitude with you that they are, regardless of whether you live with them or not. If they are going to hold the fact that you live with them over your head to control you then you MUST move out.
As to the guy you met over St Raphael… I met my fiance via Ave Maria. We are getting married in August. The first meeting, I flew to his state and stayed with him and his family. Honestly, you have a good head on your shoulders and from what you’ve written here you are not taking undue risks in meeting him as you have described it-- him coming to your town, staying in a hotel, etc. Yes, caution is necessary but I believe you are taking proper caution.
Don’t let your parents keep you from living the life you were meant to live. You are a terrific young lady!
Leaving the controling situation does not mean you do not love or respect your parents-- so don’t let them lay the guilt trip on you.
K
kmktexas
Guest
SIT,
I have to really disagree with the previous posters who are advising you to move out.
First, if you are contemplating beginning a courtship, I am assuming that you are looking for a chaste relationship with a lot of time getting to know each other in the company of family and friends. This is really hard to do if you are no longer living with your family.
Second, if you want to begin a courtship with an eye to possibly marrying in the next few years, now is not the time to put yourself in a postition of straining your finances.
Third, the whole idea of single men and women living alone (except when they have to due to school or work) is a very odd American concept that you don’t see hardly anywhere else in the world. It hasn’t been a success either.
If you move out, no matter how you try to package it, your parents will connect this with the young man that is entering your life now. They may hold it against him. It sounds like you are very close to your parents and probably don’t want that.
You can work together with your parents to get a little more independance. What about participating in church activities instead of going out with the girls from work? Your work friends probably represent a whole circle that your parents are not familiar with. Are there other things that your parents are familiar with that would make them more comfortable? I had a good friend with very overprotective parents. She wasn’t allowed to date but could go to dance parties all the time. Her parents knew the dance party concept and the people involved so they were comfortable with her participation.
This is a time of changing the relationships with you being in the workforce, involved with a man and streching your wings. You can make a sudden break but that will likely entail a long period of trying to rebuild hurt relationships. Or you can make some gentle gradual changes.
I have to really disagree with the previous posters who are advising you to move out.
First, if you are contemplating beginning a courtship, I am assuming that you are looking for a chaste relationship with a lot of time getting to know each other in the company of family and friends. This is really hard to do if you are no longer living with your family.
Second, if you want to begin a courtship with an eye to possibly marrying in the next few years, now is not the time to put yourself in a postition of straining your finances.
Third, the whole idea of single men and women living alone (except when they have to due to school or work) is a very odd American concept that you don’t see hardly anywhere else in the world. It hasn’t been a success either.
If you move out, no matter how you try to package it, your parents will connect this with the young man that is entering your life now. They may hold it against him. It sounds like you are very close to your parents and probably don’t want that.
You can work together with your parents to get a little more independance. What about participating in church activities instead of going out with the girls from work? Your work friends probably represent a whole circle that your parents are not familiar with. Are there other things that your parents are familiar with that would make them more comfortable? I had a good friend with very overprotective parents. She wasn’t allowed to date but could go to dance parties all the time. Her parents knew the dance party concept and the people involved so they were comfortable with her participation.
This is a time of changing the relationships with you being in the workforce, involved with a man and streching your wings. You can make a sudden break but that will likely entail a long period of trying to rebuild hurt relationships. Or you can make some gentle gradual changes.
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Fitz
Guest
Ok, parent here. I see that your parents love you very much and I am sure you know that. However, I think they need to build a trust in you and let you grow away from them. I did with my older 3 girls (21, 24, 27) and I know I worry and pray for them. I have had to put much in God’s hands.
It is a fast world out there as you well know. However, if you can have some conversations with them about it perhaps you can get them to see what you allready know. They won’t be here for you forever, and they need to know you can do life on your own. Let them see how smart you are and what you have learned from them already.
Your parents may be duplicating the type of unbringing that they had. It may not really work all that well now and it may be stiffling you as a person.
I will say a prayer that you can work this out with them amicably. That is always the first choice. In the end, you may need to save your money and move out. Rent an apt. and don’t give them the keys, or save for a condo. Let’s face it, you need to grow up too. We used our girls college years away to build up trust for them. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry and pray and I still may say something when I don’t think things are right. However, overall I am satisified that they turned out OK.
When you are old, like me and your parents, and are raising kids of your own you will see just how hard it is to have the perfect balance. My prayers go out to you and to your parents.
Oh, I almost forgot to add: Build in weekly time to spend with your parents and make it some quality time. Go out to eat or to a movie or whatever would make them realize that you do value thier relationship with you.
C
Church_Militant
Guest
I agree with puzzleannie.
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Faithful_2_Rome
Guest
Nothing wrong at all for a man or a woman to still live with parents… AS LONG AS that person has their OWN SPACE…not just a bedroom mind you…but another floor, or a Cottage in the back…or if its a building an apartment for yourself…
do you assist in paying any bills such as the rent or your food? If you do…then quite frankly its none of your parents business how late you stay out…NONE…even if you didnt oay bills its not their business what you do…of course its courteous to let them know about what time you will be home…but when they rag on you about what THEY think is too late…ya gotta tell em to back off…if you aint willing to deal with this then you have nobody to blame but yourself.
And its also none of their business to have a suiter write them about your dating situation…you are 22 an adult…you dont need permission or a chaperone about how and who you wish to date.
do you assist in paying any bills such as the rent or your food? If you do…then quite frankly its none of your parents business how late you stay out…NONE…even if you didnt oay bills its not their business what you do…of course its courteous to let them know about what time you will be home…but when they rag on you about what THEY think is too late…ya gotta tell em to back off…if you aint willing to deal with this then you have nobody to blame but yourself.
And its also none of their business to have a suiter write them about your dating situation…you are 22 an adult…you dont need permission or a chaperone about how and who you wish to date.
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Catholic90
Guest
Faithful 2 Rome:
I completely disagree here. Parent’s house, parents’ rules. Period. Don’t like it, then move out.
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Faithful_2_Rome
Guest
When a child starts assisting in rent and/or bills…those rules CHANGE…besides…what if a child needs to live with family so that family can survive cause of need for that extra money…you think a 30 or 40 something living at home needs to abide by a parents rules?
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violetandgandal
Guest
Some rules change. Yes. But, as long as a child is living under her parent’s roof, even if she is paying room and board, she owes her parents obedience. It’s not until she is supporting herself–that means paying for EVERYTHING–that the obedience stops. And the rules that apply are the PARENT’S rules. Hopefully, though, most parents change their rules somewhat as their children grow in maturity.
We have a 22 year old daughter who left home at 19 1/2 to join the Navy. Moved across country to California. Her first duty station after language school, was 20 minutes away from our house. At first ,she planned to stay on base at Ft. Meade. But for a number of reasons–better food, save money, keep close to her sister— she decided to move home as soon as she was promoted to E-5. She’s been here now for 3 or 4 weeks.
She still owes obedience to us, her parents, even though she is paying some room and board. Of course, I think it helped our relationship with her to have had her living on her own for 2 years before she moved back. We’ve had some time to adjust our thinking about her being a responsible adult now rather than just our daughter.
I know it’s different for our daughter than it is for saintintraining. We are pretty lenient. She comes and goes as she pleases. Of course, her schedule is pretty wacky–leaving at 4 AM or arriving at 5AM because of her work. She always lets us know when she’s going out where she is going and about how long she’ll be. Not as a matter of obedience, but rather as a matter of courtesy. We do the same for her when we go out; always have.
We used to be pretty strict too so there’s hope.
Mary Fran
We have a 22 year old daughter who left home at 19 1/2 to join the Navy. Moved across country to California. Her first duty station after language school, was 20 minutes away from our house. At first ,she planned to stay on base at Ft. Meade. But for a number of reasons–better food, save money, keep close to her sister— she decided to move home as soon as she was promoted to E-5. She’s been here now for 3 or 4 weeks.
She still owes obedience to us, her parents, even though she is paying some room and board. Of course, I think it helped our relationship with her to have had her living on her own for 2 years before she moved back. We’ve had some time to adjust our thinking about her being a responsible adult now rather than just our daughter.
I know it’s different for our daughter than it is for saintintraining. We are pretty lenient. She comes and goes as she pleases. Of course, her schedule is pretty wacky–leaving at 4 AM or arriving at 5AM because of her work. She always lets us know when she’s going out where she is going and about how long she’ll be. Not as a matter of obedience, but rather as a matter of courtesy. We do the same for her when we go out; always have.
We used to be pretty strict too so there’s hope.
Mary Fran
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AirForceMama
Guest
I agree, 22…time to move out.
Another thing to think about, remember the soon-to-be-boyfriend on this situation. If your parents don’t respect YOU, they won’t respect HIM. You will need to start breaking away now from your parents. You are an adult.
My husband lived with his parents after college, them moved into his own house down the street. When I met him (at 25), he only had peanut butter and margarine in his refridgerator - spelling out that he ate at his parent’s house quite a bit. When we started dating, he had dinner with me every night, and they didn’t like that. They didn’t like that he wasn’t around as much as he was before. I was taking away their “baby”. In short, all h&ll broke loose, and we still don’t get along (3.5 years later).
So my opinion is to cut that umbilical cord now, so they can get used to their “little girl” having her own life - whether that means dating, staying out late, getting married, having kids, paying her own taxes, etc. They will need to trust that you are capable of making your own dicisions, and you will learn to make mistakes, and hopefully will learn from them. Tell them how you will live your life, and if they don’t like it, grab an Apartment guide!
Another thing to think about, remember the soon-to-be-boyfriend on this situation. If your parents don’t respect YOU, they won’t respect HIM. You will need to start breaking away now from your parents. You are an adult.
My husband lived with his parents after college, them moved into his own house down the street. When I met him (at 25), he only had peanut butter and margarine in his refridgerator - spelling out that he ate at his parent’s house quite a bit. When we started dating, he had dinner with me every night, and they didn’t like that. They didn’t like that he wasn’t around as much as he was before. I was taking away their “baby”. In short, all h&ll broke loose, and we still don’t get along (3.5 years later).
So my opinion is to cut that umbilical cord now, so they can get used to their “little girl” having her own life - whether that means dating, staying out late, getting married, having kids, paying her own taxes, etc. They will need to trust that you are capable of making your own dicisions, and you will learn to make mistakes, and hopefully will learn from them. Tell them how you will live your life, and if they don’t like it, grab an Apartment guide!
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Hermione
Guest
May I ask why you are still living with your parents? If I were you I would move out right away!
“Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
I don’t think your relationship with your parents is healthy. But then again if you want them to treat you like an independent adult you need to move out and become one!
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aspawloski4th
Guest
save up for about 6 months then move out. I have a friend who saved up for a year before leaving home and that years of savings helped because he was let go by his career job about 6 months after leaving home. but it all depends on your family and ethnic tradition, I was booted out of the house before I was done with college, because I was too old to be at home. my mother n laws parents wouldnt think of letting a child out on their own before they got married. I have a friend whoe’s parents keep thier kids at home till they can afford a starter type house, because they dont want their kids in an apartment at all. my inlaws have friends who are still home in their 40s. it all depends on what you value. if you want to do what you want, then go out on your own, if you want security wait till you are financially secure before going out on your own. in either even dont complain about the cencequences of your decision.
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Augustine
Guest
IMO, kids should only leave their parents’ home to their own, i.e., to get married.
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Benedictus
Guest
You have to be kidding me.
I’m 24. I’ll have a Master’s degree in a few months, and I think I have a great job lined up halfway across the country, but according to your logic I should live with mommy and daddy until I trick a woman into marrying me.
So long dream job in California! I’m going to live with my mommy instead.
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Augustine
Guest
I kid you not. Then again, I’m a foreigner.
Yes, America is a mobile society, but family here is also in shambles. So perhaps foreigners have a thing or two to teach Americans. For instance, sometimes family is more important than a dream job…
Hey, just last week I refused an offer to move across the country so not to stress my family. And the pay was 20% more… If that’s the price of doing what’s best for my family, I’ll gladly do it, for what’s good for my family is good for me.
Yes, I left my parental home abroad, but now I have a family to care for. I and my wife are one flesh…
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Augustine
Guest
I just noticed I could’nt edit it after 20min.
If I may add, yes, saintintraining’s parents are a bit overbearing. Moving out, however, is not the solution. The solution is in a lot of soul-searching together.
You are, after all, at marrying age, as any adult is. You seem to be looking for someone to get married to, and in a very responsible way.
God bless you.
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SP38
Guest
I noticed that maybe the internet boyfriend will be replacing the over bearing parents?? Did anyone else see this?
(Sorry, saint in training, if I’m way off here.)
(Sorry, saint in training, if I’m way off here.)
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EsclavoDeCristo
Guest
Saintintraining,
I think SP38 may have a point. I am not going to assume your motives but want to warn you. Don’t let this man just be an escape for you. If you want to get out of the house, do it but don’t use this guy as a way out.
I suggest much prayer before sacramental Jesus. Ask yourself the tough questions: What’s really my motivation? What is God asking of my life? What is my vocation? Remember that just because we want something doesn’t mean that is what God wants. “Seek thee first the kindom of God…”
I will say a prayer for you and your discernment. Please pray for me too and for my vocational discernment!
God bless you.
L
Leeta
Guest
Dear Saintintraining,
I’ve got to agree with Augustine and with KMKTexas. The tone of some of the previous posters is so self-centered and hedonistic. What is your vocation? Pursue that. Having a good time, being independent isn’t our main goal. Talk to your parents about the coming in a little later than 10:30, one night a week. You do need to be considerate of your parents. It might disturb their sleep having you come in so late. Maybe a compromise could be worked out-say,11 or 11:30.
I have twin almost 22 year- old sons who are all the time coming home late. My husband is too lenient with them. They think that they have a right to do something fun or entertaining every night. It’s all good and clean fun, but they are still kids and don’t realise that that is not what lfe is all about.
Last night, a Friday night, while they went to a movie and saw their friends, I played a very dull game with my 3 and 6 year old and cooked a huge amount of macaroni and cheese which no one ate, because they were alll out having fun. My husband arrived home from work at 9:30 P.M., as he does almost every night. He was so tired, he fell asleep with my 3 year old. So I cleaned the kitchen up, prayed with my 6-year old, read him a story, and went to bed. That 's what real life is all about, not seeking to do what you want to do.
You must also understand that there are safety concerns for girls. There are just more bad characters wandering or driving around at night. Girls are just more vulnerable to expoitation. I know.
I’ve got to agree with Augustine and with KMKTexas. The tone of some of the previous posters is so self-centered and hedonistic. What is your vocation? Pursue that. Having a good time, being independent isn’t our main goal. Talk to your parents about the coming in a little later than 10:30, one night a week. You do need to be considerate of your parents. It might disturb their sleep having you come in so late. Maybe a compromise could be worked out-say,11 or 11:30.
I have twin almost 22 year- old sons who are all the time coming home late. My husband is too lenient with them. They think that they have a right to do something fun or entertaining every night. It’s all good and clean fun, but they are still kids and don’t realise that that is not what lfe is all about.
Last night, a Friday night, while they went to a movie and saw their friends, I played a very dull game with my 3 and 6 year old and cooked a huge amount of macaroni and cheese which no one ate, because they were alll out having fun. My husband arrived home from work at 9:30 P.M., as he does almost every night. He was so tired, he fell asleep with my 3 year old. So I cleaned the kitchen up, prayed with my 6-year old, read him a story, and went to bed. That 's what real life is all about, not seeking to do what you want to do.
You must also understand that there are safety concerns for girls. There are just more bad characters wandering or driving around at night. Girls are just more vulnerable to expoitation. I know.
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