Problems with wife and NFP

[mh0701]

Hi folks. I’ve been reading this forum for over a year, but this is my first post.

I am a brand new Catholic. My journey has been wonderful and I love the Church. My wife is a cradle Catholic, but not really too faithful. She attends Mass with me and our children, but she admits she’s really not into it at all.

The problem is this: We had been using ABC for many years. I didn’t see a problem with it before, so indeed it was our decision together. Now, because of my experience in the Church, I have read, understood, and finally agreed with the Church’s position on ABC. I know that my wife is adamant about staying on it, so I have been praying about it daily and agonizing about how I’m going to have this conversation with her. Last night, the conversation finally happened. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, unfortunately it was worse. She basically broke down, told me I was forcing her to submit to her beliefs, and that I was betraying her. She was very hurtful in her words. She basically thinks that if she practices NFP that our sex life will be dull, rare, and always with an overshadowing of fear that she’ll become pregnant. She says that this will be 100% her responsibility. I know she has many misconceptions of NFP, but I don’t understand it enough yet to ease her fears. I offered to help her, read any book she wants, go to a class with her, meet with a Catholic OB/gyn, trying to tell her that she and I can be a team…but nothing is making her feel better.

She wouldn’t speak to me this morning. I’m heartbroken. I am hurting so badly right now.

Please help - any advice would be appreciated.

Kind regards.

 

[Ophelia23]

Oh friend, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and nerve wracking conversation that had to be!!

I don’t know if my advice is worthy or not… but maybe you should try baby steps with this. It is clear she is afraid. Often times what quells our fears is simply learning the facts. Is there any way you could encourage her to attend an NFP class with you without any commitment to changing over? That would give you the opportunity as a couple to simply learn the truth of NFP together before making a decision.

Above all, pray for your wife daily. Constantly. If she chooses to remain on ABC against your will and encouragement, you are not responsible for her sin. Try to keep that in mind. It is clear you can’t force her to agree to NFP, you can only encourage. I am praying for you. I am praying for your wife. How sad it must be to live in such fear. It boils down to the fear of trusting in God, and that does not make a happy situation. My prayers are with you!

 

[Spencerian]

I would also strongly recommend that you seek immediate help from your pastor for marital counseling on this, as well as a physician experienced with NFP.

The Couple to Couple League also has some information that can support you, but it seems that you really need to gain an external resource to help your wife understand the reasoning behind NFP and how it can not be morally beneficial but medically so–ABC drugs are quite toxic but few non-Catholic resources point this out.

 

[mh0701]

Thank you. I agree that I probably sprung this on her all at once, and it was unfair. My journey to the Church took years, so why would I expect her to change overnight? I wish I had handled it differently. I think “Baby steps” is the name of the game here. I will be seeking education & counseling. I hope that she can agree only to learn about it at this point. I realize that I am not responsible for her sin, but I assume I have to abstain from the marital act. My fear is that this will cause our marriage more harm.

Thoughts?

 

[Iron_Donkey]

Thank you. I agree that I probably sprung this on her all at once, and it was unfair. My journey to the Church took years, so why would I expect her to change overnight? I wish I had handled it differently. I think “Baby steps” is the name of the game here. I will be seeking education & counseling. I hope that she can agree only to learn about it at this point. I realize that I am not responsible for her sin, but I assume I have to abstain from the marital act. My fear is that this will cause our marriage more harm.

Thoughts?

Pretty sure this (the bolded part) is not true. See: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=76765

As part of the response to a related issue, a Catholic Answers Apologist writes:

Although you cannot yourself use contraception (e.g., condoms), you can engage in marital relations with your wife even if she insists on using contraception herself (e.g., the Pill). You are required to make known to her your objection to using contraception, to pray for her and to provide her with information on the issue of why you oppose contraception (e.g., moral and physical dangers); but, for the sake of maintaining the marriage, you are not required to abstain from the marital act with her.

Best of luck, and hope things work out. (Sorry I don’t have any advice to add, but since I remembered the bolded part coming up some time ago I figured I’d put up a link. Some (not all) of the other questions here are also related and contain links to resources that you may find useful: forums.catholic-questions.org/search.php?searchid=14092525)

 

[odile53]

One thought here: You mentioned you sprung it on her without warning. Sure, her reaction isn’t surprising. Most people who have no familiarity with it think of the old “rhythm method” when they hear “natural family planning.” And years ago, some comedians referred to it as “Vatican roulette.” It was not very effective at all. This is probably what is scaring the sam hill out of her.

Huge strides have been made in the effectiveness of natural family planning in the past twenty or so years: Its effectiveness, when used correctly, is similar to that of the more reliable artificial birth control measures that the two of you might have been using.

Like most other things, education is one of the greatest tools to combat fear, especially fear resulting from lack of knowledge or erroneous information. Don’t blame her: Even though she is Catholic, chances are she’s got a lot of misconceptions about NFP, because what she knows about NFP was what she may have been taught in school when it was not an effective form of family planning, and this is a sudden change in the direction of things in your marriage.

Can you get your hands on at least some overview literature, and just leave it around the house where she might find it and read it on her own? That might educate her a little before you discuss it again, and it might pique her curiosity. Read them yourself first, because you probably don’t have much idea about what’s involved, either. And yes, if you are planning to use NFP for spacing children, you will have to be agreeable to refraining from intimacy for a period of time each month. Can you handle that, and the fact that she will be announcing when that is, without problems?

More importantly, early on in your marriage, did the two of you discuss children, and how many you would like to have, and the conditions under which you’d like to have them? Were both of you on the same page at the time? Your conversion, with the concomitant interest in NFP, might be giving her the impression that you expect her to bear a child annually for the rest of her reproductive life. There are plenty of women who, when faced with a sudden change of direction from their husbands, would run off screaming into the night! She might not be talking right now, but she hasn’t packed her bags. If you never had that conversation, when she calms down, it’s long past time to do so. And it’s time to sharpen your negotiating and communication skills.

Another approach might be to discuss some of the health risks of some of the more intrusive chemical and mechanical ABC methods that might impact her own health: There’s a commercial on TV for some law firm that is representing women who have experienced injury from some IUD or another (I wasn’t paying close attention, I’m nearly sixty years old–LOL!) If it happens to pop up when the two of you are watching some show, you might want to say, “wow, for a law firm to be doing a class action suit, a lot of women must have experienced some pretty nasty complications,” and let the matter drop if she doesn’t say anything.

You’re going to have to be subtle but supportive in order to do some damage control here. And if you plan to do NFP with her, the two of you are going to have to learn to communicate clearly and lovingly on sensitive issues. Your goals will have to be similar.

Best wishes in sorting it all out with her.

 

[ChibiViolet]

Praying for her is the best solution.

Also, you must try not to break down.

 

[ARL337]

Thank you. I agree that I probably sprung this on her all at once, and it was unfair. My journey to the Church took years, so why would I expect her to change overnight? I wish I had handled it differently. I think “Baby steps” is the name of the game here. I will be seeking education & counseling. I hope that she can agree only to learn about it at this point. I realize that I am not responsible for her sin, but I assume I have to abstain from the marital act. My fear is that this will cause our marriage more harm.

Thoughts?

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. I had struggled with this once too but it was before our marriage. My husband and I are both cradle catholics but never followed the church’s teachings and didn’t really have the proper faith. I had a strong conversion, or reversion, back to the Catholic faith and I had to explain to my fiance, with whom I owned a house with, that I could no longer have intercourse with him until we were married and that we would have to follow NFP once we were married. It was such a shock to him and a difficult time for us. I thought that when I told him all of this that he would leave me but I trusted God that I needed to do this and God did end up blessing our marriage and continues to do so today. My husband, then fiance, never left me and he respected my wishes, although he didn’t agree with them. I went to my pastor for advice and direction and he told me to just keep praying for my DH and not to force him back to his faith. He advised me to be gentle with him and take baby steps. I decided I would not force his faith on him and I would continue to pray. I prayed for him every day and still do and I have seen God working in him over these past few years. I believe that prayer is so powerful. Prayer and trusting in God. Eventually my husband started getting a stronger faith and now sometimes I feel like his faith is even stronger than mine. I realize our situations are a little different but the point to my story is just to keep praying for your wife and keep loving her as well. Trust that God will work wonders in your marriage.

 

[russet1]

Hi folks. I’ve been reading this forum for over a year, but this is my first post.

I am a brand new Catholic. My journey has been wonderful and I love the Church. My wife is a cradle Catholic, but not really too faithful. She attends Mass with me and our children, but she admits she’s really not into it at all.

The problem is this: We had been using ABC for many years. I didn’t see a problem with it before, so indeed it was our decision together. Now, because of my experience in the Church, I have read, understood, and finally agreed with the Church’s position on ABC. I know that my wife is adamant about staying on it, so I have been praying about it daily and agonizing about how I’m going to have this conversation with her. Last night, the conversation finally happened. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, unfortunately it was worse. She basically broke down, told me I was forcing her to submit to her beliefs, and that I was betraying her. She was very hurtful in her words. She basically thinks that if she practices NFP that our sex life will be dull, rare, and always with an overshadowing of fear that she’ll become pregnant. She says that this will be 100% her responsibility. I know she has many misconceptions of NFP, but I don’t understand it enough yet to ease her fears. I offered to help her, read any book she wants, go to a class with her, meet with a Catholic OB/gyn, trying to tell her that she and I can be a team…but nothing is making her feel better.

She wouldn’t speak to me this morning. I’m heartbroken. I am hurting so badly right now.

Please help - any advice would be appreciated.

Kind regards.

Both my wife and I were converts. We too used ABC early in our marriage. We knew deep down it was wrong but it was so hard to let go of that kind of control and it was scary. NFP was not the panacea cure all we were led to believe. It was HARD. Really hard. We had sleepless nights where we wrestled with the topic, pouting, anger, fear, and all sorts of other things. We tried to cheat NFP, we tried to rationalize our situation and doing things that we knew were contrary to God.
Conversion of the heart does not happen overnight. But for us it definately did happen. We could never go back to ABC.
We became NFP teachers for a short time and we still hold that the model of NFP is effective, holy, and nurturing. But we had dfferences with how we were being told to present it so we left the program.
We still practice NFP to space but it really is not as much a part of our marriage as at first. We are open to life at any time which makes our physical life a little more fun than when we practiced NFP most conservatively.

It is worth it to note that many many many cradle Catholics do not adhere to the Church on such an important matter. In my experience converts tend to be a little more informed about such teachings.

The job of a spouse is to help the other person get to heaven. Your wife did this by bringing you to the faith. You can do the same for her! Patience and prayer and suffering. That will bring Holiness.

Also look into a group called E5men. Praying and fasting for my wife helped us, perhaps it would you as well.

If your wife considers herself Catholic ask her why she trusts the Sacraments, the Eucharist and her Marriage but does not trust that God would provide true teaching on the subject of NFP?

What is her fear of pregnacy based on? Medical issues, mental issues, financial issues?

Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh friend, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and nerve wracking conversation that had to be!!

I don’t know if my advice is worthy or not… but maybe you should try baby steps with this. It is clear she is afraid. Often times what quells our fears is simply learning the facts. Is there any way you could encourage her to attend an NFP class with you without any commitment to changing over? That would give you the opportunity as a couple to simply learn the truth of NFP together before making a decision.

Above all, pray for your wife daily. Constantly. If she chooses to remain on ABC against your will and encouragement, you are not responsible for her sin. Try to keep that in mind. It is clear you can’t force her to agree to NFP, you can only encourage. I am praying for you. I am praying for your wife. How sad it must be to live in such fear. It boils down to the fear of trusting in God, and that does not make a happy situation. My prayers are with you!

(Bolding Mine) He can/should only do that if it is the truth. He has to accept from the beginning that she might go through the class and then say “not for me”, in which case if he gets angry and pressures her she is going to feel like he tried to trap her. There is a tendency to say “Well, as soon as the person learns more about X they’ll see it my way”, when there is a very good chance that the problem isn’t lack of knowledge but a true difference in opinion.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Hi folks. I’ve been reading this forum for over a year, but this is my first post.

I am a brand new Catholic. My journey has been wonderful and I love the Church. My wife is a cradle Catholic, but not really too faithful. She attends Mass with me and our children, but she admits she’s really not into it at all.

The problem is this: We had been using ABC for many years. I didn’t see a problem with it before, so indeed it was our decision together. Now, because of my experience in the Church, I have read, understood, and finally agreed with the Church’s position on ABC. I know that my wife is adamant about staying on it, so I have been praying about it daily and agonizing about how I’m going to have this conversation with her. Last night, the conversation finally happened. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, unfortunately it was worse. She basically broke down, told me I was forcing her to submit to her beliefs, and that I was betraying her. She was very hurtful in her words. She basically thinks that if she practices NFP that our sex life will be dull, rare, and always with an overshadowing of fear that she’ll become pregnant. She says that this will be 100% her responsibility. I know she has many misconceptions of NFP, but I don’t understand it enough yet to ease her fears. I offered to help her, read any book she wants, go to a class with her, meet with a Catholic OB/gyn, trying to tell her that she and I can be a team…but nothing is making her feel better.

She wouldn’t speak to me this morning. I’m heartbroken. I am hurting so badly right now.

Please help - any advice would be appreciated.

Kind regards.

Brother-

I was in the same boat.

The Holy Ghost works!

Not to put too fine a point on it (this is a family forum…) but, suffice to say that my fears were conquered, the reality of NFP has been a blessing and the myths have been destroyed. My wife and I are closer because of it. Dull?..ummmm nope. Rare?..hardly. Fear of becoming pregnant?..minimal.

There is a strong secular argument for NFP as well. Overcoming the ABC brainwashing is what the Holy Ghost does! It’s His job! Let him do it…

Prayers for you…I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of hurtful statements.

 

[odile53]

(Bolding Mine) He can/should only do that if it is the truth. He has to accept from the beginning that she might go through the class and then say “not for me”, in which case if he gets angry and pressures her she is going to feel like he tried to trap her. There is a tendency to say “Well, as soon as the person learns more about X they’ll see it my way”, when there is a very good chance that the problem isn’t lack of knowledge but a true difference in opinion.

Sure, a difference in opinion is possible, and maybe even probable. But if her knowledge of NFP is from a couple of decades ago, the knowledge base and as a consequence, the effectiveness, of NFP has improved exponentially since those times. She might never get on board with this, or she might eventually decide that NFP is a viable alternative to the very real health risks of some of the ABCs. Most of the ABCs have been around since the sixties, and long-term data about health risks as women age are being analyzed. Those health risks are very real, and some of them are deadly. Actually, I think that the OP should focus on this when any discussion comes up about NFP vs ABC.

There’s also the matter of this being an established marriage: Abstinence for a few days each month isn’t as likely to present such a perceived “hardship” as it would for newlyweds.

I do agree, though: Any display of pressure or, heaven forbid, rancor on the OPs part is going to completely alienate her. He has a lot of damage control to do if he hopes that she will even begin to consider it.

 

[underacloud]

Oh friend, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult and nerve wracking conversation that had to be!!

I don’t know if my advice is worthy or not… but maybe you should try baby steps with this. It is clear she is afraid. Often times what quells our fears is simply learning the facts. Is there any way you could encourage her to attend an NFP class with you without any commitment to changing over? That would give you the opportunity as a couple to simply learn the truth of NFP together before making a decision.

Above all, pray for your wife daily. Constantly. If she chooses to remain on ABC against your will and encouragement, you are not responsible for her sin. Try to keep that in mind. It is clear you can’t force her to agree to NFP, you can only encourage. I am praying for you. I am praying for your wife. How sad it must be to live in such fear. It boils down to the fear of trusting in God, and that does not make a happy situation. My prayers are with you!

Excellent advice!

Which you seem to have worked out for yourself anyway.

Thank you. I agree that I probably sprung this on her all at once, and it was unfair. My journey to the Church took years, so why would I expect her to change overnight? I wish I had handled it differently. I think “Baby steps” is the name of the game here. I will be seeking education & counseling. I hope that she can agree only to learn about it at this point. I realize that I am not responsible for her sin, but I assume I have to abstain from the marital act. My fear is that this will cause our marriage more harm.

Thoughts?

No, you do not have to abstain, as another poster has already addressed.

As you say, your own journey took years. Her journey…on this issue and perhaps regarding her faith in general…may be a long process too. Be gentle with her.