prodigal daughter

  • Thread starter Thread starter dadg
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

dadg

Guest
Our daughter has recently told us that she is pregnant. She is 21, unmarried, and has been in the relationship with the father for less than 6 mo. She has been rebellious since 16 with sneeking out, drinking and driving, becoming intoxicated to the point of unconsciousness, lying and general disregard for any rule set by my wife and I. She is the oldest. Her boyfriend is 21 unemployed from 6 different jobs in the last 6 mo.; not being at any one more than 2 weeks. He is on parole for possesion of cocaine and aggrivated assault. He seems intellegent and respectful. My daughter claims he is a changed man. She is beginning to ask for money which my wife and I refuse to give because of the continued poor moral and life decisions. We refuse to support financially these choices. We love our daughter but also refuse to allow her to live at home due to past experiences of family UPHEAVAL when she is around. We have 6 other children and feel our vocation to their moral and family devalopment in harmed by our eldests decisions.
We cannot see any way for her to support herself (she is already recieving WIC and other gov. support) through is pregnancy and beyond and hold little hope for her boyfriends reform in morality or employment.

I am emotionally torn when I think of her future without our help, yet feel our help will empower her to act irresponsably in the future. ANY ADVISE?
 
Your daughter is currently experiencing the consequences of her poor decisions. Does she realize that she is not in a good place right now? If she does realize that she is where she is because of her own doing, and if she wants something better, then you might want to offer her very specific help with very specific consequences. I wouldn’t just give her money.

I also don’t think I would characterize her as the prodigal daughter, at least not yet.
 
*I agree with dulcissima.

Also…why do you believe she has been so reckless with her life, since 16? Usually, teens who act out like that, they are crying for help. Drinking and driving, and passing out from drinking, to me…are signs that something could have been seriously wrong there, not just a rebellious teen. Has she been given counseling? *
 
She refuses counceling, She is very prideful and selfserving believing things that happen to her are unfortunate events rather than cosequences of her choices. She interacts with us yet refuses all counsel we give her saying not all people believe like we do.
 
dadg said:
She refuses counceling, She is very prideful and selfserving believing things that happen to her are unfortunate events rather than cosequences of her choices. She interacts with us yet refuses all counsel we give her saying not all people believe like we do.
Click to expand...
I see. Well, what was happening back 5 years ago, do you think, that might have caused her to turn so reckless, and begin drinking like that? People, especially teens, just don’t act out for no reason…something had to have triggered it. Was there something that happened in the family? Did she fall in with a really bad crowd of kids? I pray that she sees that SHE needs to change things around, God is always there to help us, but He won’t force us to change. Praying for you and your wife during this time, too! :gopray:
 
Oftentimes parenthood has a way of making some girls grow up very quickly.

You can purchase a few clothes items for her. You can buy items for the baby. That way you are showing you care, but not handing her money she or boyfriend can spend recklessly.

On some level this has to be a scary time for her. The first pregnancy for any woman can be intimidating.

I hope impending motherhood draws her back to you and the rest of your family. Wouldn’t be the first time God used an infant to bring souls to Himself. 😉
 
How involved was she in the care and raising of her younger siblings? Does she know how to change a diaper, feed a baby, etc.?
 
dadg said:
Our daughter has recently told us that she is pregnant. She is 21, unmarried, and has been in the relationship with the father for less than 6 mo. She has been rebellious since 16 with sneeking out, drinking and driving, becoming intoxicated to the point of unconsciousness, lying and general disregard for any rule set by my wife and I. She is the oldest. Her boyfriend is 21 unemployed from 6 different jobs in the last 6 mo.; not being at any one more than 2 weeks. He is on parole for possesion of cocaine and aggrivated assault. He seems intellegent and respectful. My daughter claims he is a changed man. She is beginning to ask for money which my wife and I refuse to give because of the continued poor moral and life decisions. We refuse to support financially these choices. We love our daughter but also refuse to allow her to live at home due to past experiences of family UPHEAVAL when she is around. We have 6 other children and feel our vocation to their moral and family devalopment in harmed by our eldests decisions.
We cannot see any way for her to support herself (she is already recieving WIC and other gov. support) through is pregnancy and beyond and hold little hope for her boyfriends reform in morality or employment.

I am emotionally torn when I think of her future without our help, yet feel our help will empower her to act irresponsably in the future. ANY ADVISE?
Click to expand...
Well, if she decides to have and keep the baby, it will be your grandchild.

As someone already suggested, you might do things like buy diapers/food/clothing for her instead of giving her money which might be spent poorly.

Of course you are not legally obligated to help her or her child. But you have to ask yourself whether you are morally obligated to do this.

Children don’t grow up in a vacuum, the way she turned out is not just the result of her choices. It is also the result of the environment she was raised in, over which she had no control, she might be having some mental health issues that would also have been outside of her control.

It’s very easy to blame her for her quality of life, but maybe because it would be much more unpleasant to consider your role in the way she turned out.
 
In the parable of the prodigal, the child was welcomed home with open arms.
 
I have four children in their twenties. Two of them are doing all right, two are a little air-headed and won’t take advice. We are in the process of getting our daughter and her husband and baby moved out. Next our youngest son will be moving out. We have made it clear that the children are on their own. I have gotten some flak for this but I don’t care. My sanity is at stake. If I were you, I’d help with diapers and clothes, but nothing else. And I sure wouldn’t let her move back in. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I love my kids but enough is enough!
 
I don’t have any kids (yay!), but I have friends who got pregnant young (16-21). I would get them items (without the receipt so they can’t return for money, only exchange). Offer NO financial support. They had sex, and now they have to suffer the consequences.
 
CountrySinger said:
I don’t have any kids (yay!), but I have friends who got pregnant young (16-21). I would get them items (without the receipt so they can’t return for money, only exchange). Offer NO financial support. They had sex, and now they have to suffer the consequences.
Click to expand...
If your daughter does respond to her pregnancy by growing up and making an effort to put her child first, then you will not need to worry about rubbing her nose in the consequences with blanket prohibitions on certain kinds of support to make sure she is sufficiently humbled and punished. If she does take this on responsibly, then she needs advice and help from a parent with wisdom and experience in caring for children and in surviving in the real world. The kind of help she needs is the kind that will empower her to grow into being the best parent she can be, if she keeps this baby. Accepting that kind of help is quite different than remaining an adolescent and exploiting her parents and being irresponsible, of course.

It might serve you to approach her in a very different way than what you’ve fallen into the habit of doing for the past five years. Rather than treat her as a rebellious teenager, maybe get to know her and find out who she is and what she needs and how she is going to handle this. She is 21 now. Then you can find out what how best to be the most supportive parent and grandparent you can possibly be. Because that’s what we all want for our kids, right? To protect them from harm and give them the tools they need to succeed? If that describes you, there is nothing keeping you from building that relationship with your daughter now.
 
It doesn’t sound like she is stepping up though. If she is just going to blow any money you give her , then why give it? If she grows up, then excellent. I have a friend who is having her third child (she doesn’t know who the father is), and she is asking for just money. So I donated money to a local Catholic pregnancy center in her name.
 
My wife and I have 6 other well adjusted children from age 20 to 6. I feel that there may be something that we did not give our eldest daughter, but I try to parent my children to first love God, then to learn discipline of thier minds, and help them to foster a correct esteem of themselves. I believe with those tools we can overcome any obstacle in life. I was hoping for some practicle advice from those with similar expeience not a psychoanalysis of my parenting from a written paragraph of my life. I thank those who are praying for me and especially my daughter.
 
So, you’re saying the advice to build a relationship with your daughter starting from where you both are right now is “psychoanalysis?” It isn’t. It’s practical advice. But I can see how you might have problems if you think communication and relationship is equivalent to psychoanalysis.

The time to ask for help was when she was 16 and you could have forced her into treatment and counseling. That time has past.
 
Any treatment or counselling you have to force on a 16 year old will be unproductive. By that age you can’t tell them anything.

It’s not for us to analyze what went wrong with the OP’s daughter. We have a saying in my family: “There’s always that 10 percent.”

He and his wife wanted to teach her. She rejected it. Now the world will teach her, but without the compassion and love of mom and dad.

Some people are determined to do things the hard way.
 
I would ask ANGELS UNAWARE to cease on this tread with advice like “forcing her into couceling” which is nonsense. Good cannot come from an unwilling participant. I have a very open communication with my daughter. She unfortunately shuns advice and makes poor choice.
 
dadg said:
I would ask ANGELS UNAWARE to cease on this tread with advice like “forcing her into couceling” which is nonsense. Good cannot come from an unwilling participant. I have a very open communication with my daughter. She unfortunately shuns advice and makes poor choice.
Click to expand...
I really get tired of repeating things over and over again because others twisted my original words, or had difficulty with reading comprehension. Excuse, Dadg, when did I ADVISE YOU to FORCE your daughter into counseling? I said the time for practical action was when she was 16, when she could have been forced into treatment. Considering the fact that you said she was drinking until blackout and endangering her life and the lives of others by driving drunk, you would have had no problem admitting her to a hospital if you chose to do so- when she was under the age of 18.
 
I can emphatize with your situation. I witnessed a similar situation with my niece.What you are doing takes courage. You do have a responsibility to provide a stable home to your minor children and you will “empower” your oldest daughter to become a strong mature woman by her taking control and responsibilty for her life and that of her child.

Instead of relying on this thread, why don’t you give a call to an organization like BirthRight who can help your daughter with her material and emotional/spiritual needs. They also may be able to give you and your wife insights and support.

By the way, my niece after a struggle got her life in order. She and her boyfriend married and have 4 children and is a social worker.
 
I agree with some of theother people on this post I would help by supplying the baby with things that he or she needs and I would give items rather than money but I would refuse to enable your daughter however that baby is your grand child and under the circumstances will need all the love it can get
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top