prodigal daughter

  • Thread starter Thread starter dadg
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I’d do what I can to help the baby, because that’s your grandchild.

I would not give your daughter money, because it seems like there is some potential to use it on alcohol, drugs, etc. (if not her, her boyfriend). You can go down and pay the electric bill in person if they are in danger of being cut off, for example, but I wouldn’t hand them cash. Buy them groceries. Buy her some maternity clothes. That sort of thing.

I would let your daughter know that she’s welcome to come eat a healthy meal at your house whenever you folks are sitting down to the table. Her mother can get her/join her for dr. appointments and be her second labor coach (not sure we can count on boyfriend). I would ask hard questions about the home life – make sure he’s not being abusive, make sure there is no drugs in the house. (The State can take the baby away if drugs are found in the home.) Be respectful to the boyfriend, but wary. Drug addictions can turn people into something evil.

If you hear of a job the boyfriend might be well suited for, pass on the information. Having a man-to-man talk with him about providing for his family also make sense.

If need be, I’d take the daughter and her baby back into your home under certain restrictions, but not the boyfriend.
 
dadg said:
Our daughter has recently told us that she is pregnant. She is 21, unmarried, and has been in the relationship with the father for less than 6 mo. She has been rebellious since 16 with sneeking out, drinking and driving, becoming intoxicated to the point of unconsciousness, lying and general disregard for any rule set by my wife and I. She is the oldest. Her boyfriend is 21 unemployed from 6 different jobs in the last 6 mo.; not being at any one more than 2 weeks. He is on parole for possesion of cocaine and aggrivated assault. He seems intellegent and respectful. My daughter claims he is a changed man. She is beginning to ask for money which my wife and I refuse to give because of the continued poor moral and life decisions. We refuse to support financially these choices. We love our daughter but also refuse to allow her to live at home due to past experiences of family UPHEAVAL when she is around. We have 6 other children and feel our vocation to their moral and family devalopment in harmed by our eldests decisions.
We cannot see any way for her to support herself (she is already recieving WIC and other gov. support) through is pregnancy and beyond and hold little hope for her boyfriends reform in morality or employment.

I am emotionally torn when I think of her future without our help, yet feel our help will empower her to act irresponsably in the future. ANY ADVISE?
Click to expand...
My wife and I are in a very similar situation, but my granddaughter is 16 months old. Her and our daughter live with us. We made some mistakes by being TOO loving and not firm in asking how SHE is going to resolve the situation. You can love them too much and get sidetracked trying to maintain the family peace and trying to solve all the problems. Stay the course and make her and her boyfriend reponsible for their actions. Sooner or later either they as a couple or individually will have to take care of themselves and that is when the maturation process gets jump started. I must be honest my wife and I are deeply torn about our daughters future and that of our granddaughter. We have to the conclusion that at this point all we can do is leave it up to God and give some prodding to get things moving. It is diffficult with all the other children in the house and trying to maintain a peaceful household. I am now convinced that under the right circumstances that it is entirely possible for a human head to explode. God Bless. I will pray for you.
 
I didn’t quite get to finish reading all the other posts, but one thing I did not see was setting limits on how often you will watch the baby. I agree with what other posters said about only giving her baby “stuff” and not money. But also talk with your wife ahead of time and agree on how often you are willing to watch the baby, then convey that to your daughter and stick with it. Otherwise you will end up raising a 7th child. Be sure to let her know that if she wants you to watch the child more than the alloted time that she will have to give up guardianship to you (assuming you would be willing to take that on that is). From my experience that is the biggest thing that these kids want, is someone to raise their child when things get to hard. They can usually find enough financial support via non-profits and govt assistance (at least in WI anyway). Blessings to you during this difficult time!!
 
I think the best thing to do is to help her get a job…Help her learn to be more responsible…She wants money then show her she can get her own money by working…This way she will learn that she can’t get what she wants from you all the time…

She made her choices now it’s time for her to grow up…

If her boyfriend leaves her, I would suggest you help her out with the home issue but until then, I think it’s best for you to continue giving her advise, love, support and help her by getting a job and taking care of herself…

A baby will be coming soon, are you going to be the one providing for that child when you have 6 others to take care of?
🤷

I think it would be a little different if she was an only child then I would say keep her under your roof and shelter her but help her find a job, now there are 6 siblings then they come first since she made her choices!!

Take care…God bless and good luck!
 
kage_ar said:
In the parable of the prodigal, the child was welcomed home with open arms.
Click to expand...
Ah yes, but in the parable, the son came home remorseful, and never dared to ask his father for anything more than a job as a servant. He also admitted that he had wronged his father and God. I don’t see this daughter doing any of that.
 
I agree with a lot of what’s been posted here, especially with changing (what is possibly) your mindset about her still being the rebellious teen. I think it’s really hard to move out of that role if the people around you still treat you that way.

On a different note, I disagree with not taking her back into your home. In this day and age, it takes a certain level of responsibility for a young woman to step up to the plate and birth a child. It’s so much easier to just abort the child and “avoid” the issue. I understand that you don’t want to reward her for her decisions that have gotten her to this point, but you also don’t want to punish her for going against society and keeping her child.

All that being said, my eldest sister was in your daughter’s situation when I was a tween. It definitely caused some upheaval in the house when my parents took her back in, but, more than anything, it showed the very real consequences of her choices. The baby and my sister’s constant schedule of either caring for my nephew or being at work were an obvious reminder and life-lesson of what premarital sex leads to. It was a lesson learned well, as none of us have found ourselves in the same situation.

Congratulations on your new grandchild! 🙂
 
Thankyou all for your prayers and thoughtful responses. I love God, my family, my daughter AND my grandson.
 
This is a sad situation all-around. It seems the best thing is to leave the past in the past, and forgive her for all the previous trouble she has caused you, even if she is still rebellious. Where would we be if God did not do the same for us?
Meanwhile, I think not offering direct financial support is a good idea, but the health of the child is of utmost importance. It does not sound like she is considering an abortion (thank God!), but she will need prenatal care, and I do not see anything wrong with you and your wife helping her with that. It seems that the best option for a situation like what you described is for her to give up the child for adoption to a Christian home. She is young and unmarried with many troubles of her own, and the father sounds even worse. Even if she was a solid person who made a one-time mistake, she could not give the child what it needs: a loving, Christian, stable two-parent (married!) home.
If you are concerned about taking her back into your home, and the effect this would have on the rest of the family, I would recommend looking into some maternity homes, like Martha and Mary House in California (marthaandmaryhouse.org/main.html). There, she would get the health care she needed, and would be in a structured environment, and could make the decision about whether to keep or adopt out her child with help from professionals. This way, you and your wife could support your daughter and grandchild in the best possible way, without “enabling” her bad behavior, but also without rejecting her completely and risking the life of your grandchild. Of course, she would have to agree to go to a place like that, which she may not do.
I’m sure that you did the best you could in parenting your daughter, but we are all sinners living in a fallen world, and so are not immune to mistakes. However, the only people to blame for this situation are your daughter and her boyfriend. At 21, there is little you could have done to prevent her from getting into this situation.
God bless, and I’ll pray for your family.
 
dadg said:
Thankyou all for your prayers and thoughtful responses. I love God, my family, my daughter AND my grandson.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your experience with your daughter. It has given me some hope and consolation.

I wanted to say that my heart went out to you in reading some of these posts. When we reach out we need compassion, understanding, consolation and hope. Most of all prayers for God’s will in the situation.

My daughter is 21 and pregnant, no boyfriend. My new posting is in prayer intentions because she is planning to abort her child, knowing that this is a baby. She is a recovering addict/alcoholic and has come such a long way, having begun drinking at age 12, so I know from experience that there is just no simple formula to ‘fix’ her. It’s very easy to backseat drive in these threads, however well-intentioned. God bless you for continuing to love her and face the difficult questions. Your concern comes across very clearly, as does your suffering.

Before anyone attacks me, let me say that I was a vigilant, involved and aware mother. My daughter has a disease. I did force counseling, it didn’t work then. In her case, my belief is the cumulative effect of my efforts in not enabling her and her courage, with God’s Grace, all came together in God’s time. I am praying the same will hold true now.

Thank God you have a grandchild and thank God that your grandchild has you. Hold that child in your loving arms.

God bless you and bring you peace and joy.

Maggie
 
I doubt that your DD will be able to point to one or two ideas or events that precipitated her slide. The #1 problem that kids experience is alienation from peers. Many will assume a phony facade, if only to avoid the pain of rejection at that age. I think that you should support your daughter however you can, as long as it is clear that she is trying to pull her own weight in life. Make it clear that you are not approving of her behavior, and that you will not be her sucker, but you’ll continue to offer love and emotional support. Rob 😦
 
You must have done something right raising her as I’m not hearing anything about her wanting to have an abortion - or would she tell you? If she’s just using her pregnancy to try to get money from you, you might want to make sure that when the “well runs dry” that she doesn’t decide to terminate the pregnancy.

One other thing - I really hate it when people characterize a woman getting pregnant out of marriage as “paying the consequences…” if that’s the case, than where are all the consequences for the men/boys involved with these pregnancies. They’re not stuck being pregnant 40 weeks - having back aches and swollen feet - many, at most might wind up paying child support if they indeed have jobs and stay at them long enough to have their check deducted from. In another thread, it was mentioned that carrying a baby seemed like a punishment for the woman - I understand how it does look that way - but I really wonder why it is that the women are the ones looked down upon - also if we tell those women to “deal with their consequences” then they might decide they don’t need to any more and go get rid of the “consequences” -on another note, I’ve always wondered why in the Bible it was always the women who were stoned - ether for getting pregnant or sleeping around -it’s as if the men had no culpability at all. I guess I’m seeing similar occuances now.

God Bless
Rye
 
My heart aches for you. Even a child raised by the most loving and caring parents can be overwhelmed by the transition from child to young adult. Few families make it through unscathed by some consequence of immature behavior. The pull of peers and the media to get out from under the control of parents and experience the secular world is unrelenting. Your daughter’s behavior sadly has caught her in a terrible snare. She isn’t equipped to be an adult nor prepared to be a parent. Neither is she able to go back to being your carefree little girl. You have five other children who will be impacted by the decisions you make now. They will be watching, even those too young to fully understand. If ever there was a time to maintain communication with your daughter and within the family, it’s now. Have you sat down with your daughter to discuss her expectations and how she wants to proceed? There are so many issues she needs to consider. Even if she would rather shut her ears, you must ask the questions. Does she want to marry, raise the child with the father, as a single mother? How, on welfare, with child support? Where will she live? Will she be able to care for an infant on her own? Will she complete her education? What about the father of the child? What does he want? Do either of them know what the other wants or expects? Does either understand the impact this will have on their lives? What about the parents of the boy? What questions are they asking their son? What are they advising him to do? They have rights and obligations too. Most teenage parents don’t know the tremendous odds against sustaining a relationship under these circumstances. They are more likely to experience a life of limited social, educational, and financial opportunities, their personal development thwarted at an immature level, never fully functioning or participating as an adult.

I applaud your stand on not throwing money at your daughter and her boyfriend, which might allow their immature behavior to continue. Right now you want to focus on a healthy pregnancy for your daughter, certainly with your emotional support. Whatever financial support you can afford can rightly and properly be directed toward that outcome.

Ultimately it is the innocent child who must be the primary concern. Egos and personal agendas need to be set aside. This can be an opportunity for your daughter to make decisions for her unborn baby, to take healthy positive steps toward her own maturity that benefit her child and herself.

If you haven’t considered it, there are thousands of healthy couples aching to adopt a child, who could provide a loving, stable home. Your daughter would be able to meet and help choose loving parents, choose the religious faith in which the child will be raised, and even remain involved in the child’s life.

I will pray for your daughter and your family that you find the strength to make the decisions that lie ahead.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top