Proper disposition of cremated remains

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Laura_B

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Hi:
I have a unusual situation and want to know what is best but don’t know who to ask, so I will ask here. Please bear with me as I explain the circumstances.

My father (nonCatholic) passed away three years ago. He was granted a Catholic funeral Mass and his remains were cremated. Because of the circumstances, which I won’t elaborate on here, his ashes were returned to the family, placed in a blessed box, beautifully hand made by my nephew and are currently on a shelf in my mother’s residence. (I know it is not the ideal arrangement but we did our best to handle things respectfully.) My mother is now being moved from her assisted living home to a dementia unit. We hope to place my father’s remains in a vault in a Catholic cemetery and reseerve an adjoining one for my mother (who is Catholic).

My question is: Would there be a graveside service for my father’s remains? Would it be appropriate? Would it not be appropriate? This matter will be settled fairly quickly but I want to be sure we do things right. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
 
Ask your pastor. He will know what is best.

Cremains are never to be kept in a private residence; they should be buried or placed in a mausoleum immediately. But it is good that you are making plans to take care of them now.

May God bless your mother, and your family as you care for her.
 
Laura_B said:
Hi:
I have a unusual situation and want to know what is best but don’t know who to ask, so I will ask here. Please bear with me as I explain the circumstances.

My father (nonCatholic) passed away three years ago. He was granted a Catholic funeral Mass and his remains were cremated. Because of the circumstances, which I won’t elaborate on here, his ashes were returned to the family, placed in a blessed box, beautifully hand made by my nephew and are currently on a shelf in my mother’s residence. (I know it is not the ideal arrangement but we did our best to handle things respectfully.) My mother is now being moved from her assisted living home to a dementia unit. We hope to place my father’s remains in a vault in a Catholic cemetery and reseerve an adjoining one for my mother (who is Catholic).

My question is: Would there be a graveside service for my father’s remains? Would it be appropriate? Would it not be appropriate? This matter will be settled fairly quickly but I want to be sure we do things right. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
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Yes, There can be a blessing of the vault. Your fathers remains should be placed there soon.
 
Ask your priest about the Rite of Commital. It is the third part of the funeral rites, and the shortest.

I understand about things just getting left after years. I have a friend in similar cicumstances.
 
Thank you for the responses. We are following up on them. I plan to purchase the site this week and I understand committal will be the week after next. I will call my pastor on Monday for his advice.

I hesistated to mention the background in my previous post, fearing people would not understand:

Yes, I learned shortly after my father’s funeral that cremated remains should not have been kept in a private home but there wasn’t a whole lot we could do at the time: My father was not Catholic. I realize now my mother was waiting for someone else to make the decision about his and her burial plots. (There were several good but not ideal options and we all thought it best to wait until we could come up with the best plan, which has now presented itself.) His remains were kept in a beautifully hand-made box, blessed by a priest. Again, he was not Catholic and the remains were always treated respectfully, so while it was not the best thing to do, we did our very best.

From this whole situation, at least I am starting to not judge unless I’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. Please keep us in prayer. You have no clue as to what we have dealt with in the past 48 hours.
Thanks and may God bless you all.
 
Hello,

Do not distress, no one is judging you. From the sounds of things, you didn’t know when you brought your father’s ashes home that cremains were to have a proper burial, and once you did it was not your intent to keep your father in your home long-term. You weren’t planning on keeping him in an urn on the mantle or spreading him over a lake or anything like that…

Yes, the cremains should be buried in a grave or mausoleum as soon as possible, just as a body would. But there are valid reasons that could delay that, and no one can fault you if you had a valid reason.

My own family is going through something similar. My grandfather passed away this past December, and was cremated. He and my grandmother (as well as my parents) wanted to be buried in northern Michigan, and have plots in a cemetary up there. Unfortunately, almost no cemetaries (including this one) will bury in the winter due to frozen ground and several feet of snow. So we’ve been holding on to Gramps until we can get up there early this Summer for burial. We’ll have a priest bless the grave, say the appropriate prayers, etc.

And this isn’t the first time. We went through this when my grandma died 7 years ago in November, and my dad 5 years ago in October.

So don’t worry. You’re not alone in this kind of situation. Nobody is judging you. And you’re doing the right thing. 🙂
 
Laura_B said:
Thank you for the responses. We are following up on them. I plan to purchase the site this week and I understand committal will be the week after next. I will call my pastor on Monday for his advice.

I hesistated to mention the background in my previous post, fearing people would not understand:

Yes, I learned shortly after my father’s funeral that cremated remains should not have been kept in a private home but there wasn’t a whole lot we could do at the time: My father was not Catholic. I realize now my mother was waiting for someone else to make the decision about his and her burial plots. (There were several good but not ideal options and we all thought it best to wait until we could come up with the best plan, which has now presented itself.) His remains were kept in a beautifully hand-made box, blessed by a priest. Again, he was not Catholic and the remains were always treated respectfully, so while it was not the best thing to do, we did our very best.

From this whole situation, at least I am starting to not judge unless I’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. Please keep us in prayer. You have no clue as to what we have dealt with in the past 48 hours.
Thanks and may God bless you all.
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Those are inclined to understand do understand.
Anyway, since your father was not Catholic, the Catholic norms regarding the proper disposal of his remains were not binding. Anyone who informed you otherwise may have spoken out of good intentions, but was mistaken about canon law. It does not oblige non Catholics in such a situation.
From what you describe, you acted appropriately and respectfully.
 
Thank you again for the comforting words. I apologize if I did let my hackles rise – it is a sensitive issue and a difficult one.
Tim – my dad was a “Yooper” so I know well about frozen ground in Michigan. That isn’t the situation we are facing but your mention of it brought back many memories.
Thank you Deacon for your comments as well. I guess what I was specifically looking for was what to do about my nonCatholic Dad who had a Catholic Mass. You gave me what I needed and I thank you for it.
Thanks again to all who responded. Please do keep our family in your prayers during this very difficult time.
May God bless you and yours,
 
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