Proper etiquette for hosts regarding guests who can't live without 'the game'

[Pug]

This whole thread is one big demonstration of why fasting is a useful spiritual practice, whether it is fasting from food or fasting from other things that have become habitual.

I rather identify with this the most of all the posts. Fasting is probably a good comparison to how I view large family gatherings. It is something we are obligated to do, though, and I find it odd that several posters suggest that one ought to simply decline all of these invitations to the gatherings for baptism, etc. if one doesn’t particularly enjoy how the host conducts them.

Most of the people in the kitchen don’t enjoy talking with me at length, though they politely speak with me briefly, of course. I prefer it if I am allowed to go where I don’t represent a burden, namely, into the football room. I am not a big fan, but I much prefer it if I can go somewhere where I am wanted. I do the rounds in the kitchen and then sit with peaceful folk. But then, in my family the football crowd is perfectly happy to have the game interrupted for five minutes while 6 small children put on a brief play. There will be no complaints of “you’re blocking the tv”. Also, in the football room, one is far more likely to successfully get into an interesting modern day question, like ought the prosecutor in X case seek the death penalty. That is taboo in many kitchens.

Life is better with a football room. Either that, or the kitchen needs to clean up its act.

But not all football rooms are created equal.

 

[luvpinsanity]

I solve this problem by not having cable. It has upset my mother-in-law. She came up to stay with us when my daughter was born so she could watch my son. She left the day after we came home from the hospital - so no thinking she was there to ‘help’ in any way. She actually demanded to my husband that we get cable for her so she could watch TV. My husband told her that we have Netflix and Hulu, and he would show her how to use those. Needless to say, she hasn’t visited since. (on her own accord, not ours…)

I am sorry, OP. I would move the TV in the other room for next time, or unplug the cable box or something. I, however, would not let them dictate MY event. They can have their own party, if they’d like.

 

[Cat]

I don’t know if I would call it being “out of line” unless she was being violently insistent and going crazy. I might call the loony bin or the doctor to check her out. If she just really wanted to see the movie and wasn’t annoying or violent about it, it would be obvious that she doesn’t care about the Superbowl, but wanted to be where the family is, if only to just be around them. If it were my mother, I’d jokingly take a poll, asking who would like to watch Terms of Endearment and who would like to watch the Superbowl and whatever side had the most hands (more than likely the Superbowl people) we would watch it on the TV. Then I’d set the DVD up on my laptop or desktop and let her watch her movie either in the room with us or somewhere else in the house. I might also pop back and forth to see parts of it with her and to see how she was doing. It wouldn’t bother me, but would strike me as kind of humorous.

I would handle it this way. I’d probably put the movie on in the office or something, and let Mom and anyone else who wanted to join her enjoy.

And while one crowd was watching the game, and the other crowd was watching the movie, and all the kids were in still another room watching cartoons, I would sit in glorious aloneness in my dining room eating carrot sticks and enjoying my beautiful family/friends! Heaven on earth!

There are different ways that families and friends enjoy each other’s company. Just because people don’t talk doesn’t mean that they aren’t close. In another thread in CAF, I talk about family helping family, being there for each other during financial crises. Several people in that thread respond to me by saying, “Lucky you! You’re so lucky to have a family like this. Most of us don’t.”

Well, we’re also a family that will sit around and watch the game while we eat dinner, although many of us enjoy a good conversation, too.

The point is, our family is close when it counts, during a crisis, when we would do anything for each other, including giving our money and opening our home to other family members.

Like I said, everyone’s family is different, and we need to be careful not to assume that just because a family enjoys a good game that they aren’t doing “family” correctly.

 

[coachdennis]

After participating in this thread and viewing the comments for the past couple of days, two quotes by Leo Tolstoy come to mind:

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

 

[Sarabande]

After participating in this thread and viewing the comments for the past couple of days, two quotes by Leo Tolstoy come to mind:

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

 

[CountrySinger]

I thought many of you might be interested to know that this same question (slightly different variation) is featured in this month’s Good Housekeeping “Ask Peggy” column (written by Peggy Post, a director of the Emily Post Institute).

Now I realize that some of you could care less what Emily Post and her cronies say. But the columnist has the advantage over many of us because she has researched “etiquette” for years, and also in her position as a magazine columnist, she has the privilege of knowing a lot about many different aspects of U.S. popular culture. In other words, she’s an expert, and we’re not.

Here is the question in Good Housekeeping: During Thanksgiving dinner, your father-in-law insists on watching football. You feel this detracts from family quality time. Do you shut the TV off?

Peggy says: As hostess, your role is to make everyone feel comfortable. For your father-in-law, comfort means watching the game. Strike a compromise–shut the set off during dinner, but let him (and others) watch beforehand and afterward. Or, plan to serve the meal during the halftime. It’s up to you to find the right balance for all your guests.

_______________________-
Here’s what Cat says, for anyone who is interested. I think a lot of the problem lies in the use of the word “entertaining.” This implies a “show that is put on for an audience.” The focus is on the entertainer–what kind of “show” will they perform, and do they have any talent and is their show “good?” Definitely stressful for the entertainer (host/hostess)!

Instead, I think we need to use the term “extending hospitality.” This implies inviting guests into your home space and making them feel welcome and comfortable. The focus is on the GUESTS, not the host/hostess.

The host/hostess do not have to compromise their moral or religious standards to make a guest feel comfortable, but OTOH, they should make reasonable accomodations for their invited guests.

I think an example of “reasonable accomodations” is to set up an area where the big game can be viewed by those who are interested, and even more important, not acting the martyr or making it obvious that you are doing them a huge big fat favor by accomodating their silly addiction.

Our kindnesses toward our guests should be done quietly and generously, without letting the guests know that yes, it is a lot of trouble. Rather, the guests should be made to feel that you are honored to make them feel welcome and “right at home.”

I can certainly go along with Peggy’s advice to “compromise,” e.g., leaving the game off during the meal, but turning it on after the meal. This works really well with TiVo because you can go back and watch the game and fast forward through the commercials until you are caught up and back in “real time.”

That is how my mom raised me to “entertain”. When guests are over, it is not the “CountrySinger” show, is is chance to relax and have fun (sometimes, it is networking, since DH is an academic). It is as my mom said, “a form of service for other people, a chance to put your desires to the side for a little bit.” You know that if my husband’s supervisor wants the game on, the game is on. I do not want to anger the boss.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

After participating in this thread and viewing the comments for the past couple of days, two quotes by Leo Tolstoy come to mind:

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Well…I did!

Thanks coach…

 

[Sarabande]

I thought many of you might be interested to know that this same question (slightly different variation) is featured in this month’s Good Housekeeping “Ask Peggy” column (written by Peggy Post, a director of the Emily Post Institute).

Now I realize that some of you could care less what Emily Post and her cronies say. But the columnist has the advantage over many of us because she has researched “etiquette” for years, and also in her position as a magazine columnist, she has the privilege of knowing a lot about many different aspects of U.S. popular culture. In other words, she’s an expert, and we’re not.

Here is the question in Good Housekeeping: During Thanksgiving dinner, your father-in-law insists on watching football. You feel this detracts from family quality time. Do you shut the TV off?

Peggy says: As hostess, your role is to make everyone feel comfortable. For your father-in-law, comfort means watching the game. Strike a compromise–shut the set off during dinner, but let him (and others) watch beforehand and afterward. Or, plan to serve the meal during the halftime. It’s up to you to find the right balance for all your guests.

_______________________-

Thanks for posting this. I was wondering what a Miss Manners "cronie"would say, and I agree with her. This is how my Mamma and Pappa raised me. You try to make all your guests feel as comfortable as possible and as space/time/finances allow. Likewise, a guest should also be flexible and not demanding.

 

[Sarabande]

Like I said, everyone’s family is different, and we need to be careful not to assume that just because a family enjoys a good game that they aren’t doing “family” correctly.

For the record, in real life my mother would be watching the Superbowl while my Dad, brother, husband, Grandmom and I would be watching not Terms of Endearment, but John Adams or Lord of the Rings or The Last of the Mohicans. This past weekend we had a double birthday party. Some people were watching The Lord of the Rings, some were in the kitchen, some on the porch, at one were point some were playing frisbee outside, at another point some were target shooting with their bows and arrows, my husband was playing Brahms and Chopin on the piano sporadically through the day, and I was back and forth helping with the food and catching up with people. No one was offended. The only time some get offended is when family members don’t come to a party without a “good excuse”. Some become very hurt that you don’t want to be with the family or that there has to be something seriously wrong. Family is so important that you are expected to try to make every family get together, even if it ends up being every weekend. (I love the closeness of my family, but that is my one major critique I have.) It doesn’t matter what they are doing once they are at the get together. They just want them there. I think (actually, I know) some get hurt because they love being with everyone and miss people when they can’t make it that they can’t imagine anyone not going if there isn’t a good excuse (work, travel, other prior commitment, etc.)

That said, many have learned over the years to be more flexible and understanding in that matter as well.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Well, that is my point!
There is ALWAYS a game on that people can’t live without. ALWAYS.
college, pros, local, national, liitle leagues, spring, summer, winter, fall, re-runs of things in 1982, post-game shows, analysis shows, fantasy league shows, etc…

Everthing in between except for the WNBA!! And soccer.

You forgot the World Series of Poker.

Your house, your rules.

However, they are also your guests. We had a lot of big gatherings when I was growing up. There was always a group who got together in one area, another group in another, a few people who circulated. If one group wants to watch a game (mostly guys) while another group does something else, like chat and socialize, my personal version of being a good host(ess) is to provide a place for both.

This does not extend to dinner where we sit, turn off phones and TVs and a share a meal together. If they can’t sit still that long, they can go home.

 

[EasterJoy]

For the record, in real life my mother would be watching the Superbowl while my Dad, brother, husband, Grandmom and I would be watching not Terms of Endearment, but John Adams or Lord of the Rings or The Last of the Mohicans. This past weekend we had a double birthday party. Some people were watching The Lord of the Rings, some were in the kitchen, some on the porch, at one were point some were playing frisbee outside, at another point some were target shooting with their bows and arrows, my husband was playing Brahms and Chopin on the piano sporadically through the day, and I was back and forth helping with the food and catching up with people. No one was offended. The only time some get offended is when family members don’t come to a party without a “good excuse”. Some become very hurt that you don’t want to be with the family or that there has to be something seriously wrong. Family is so important that you are expected to try to make every family get together, even if it ends up being every weekend. (I love the closeness of my family, but that is my one major critique I have.) It doesn’t matter what they are doing once they are at the get together. They just want them there. I think (actually, I know) some get hurt because they love being with everyone and miss people when they can’t make it that they can’t imagine anyone not going if there isn’t a good excuse (work, travel, other prior commitment, etc.)

That said, many have learned over the years to be more flexible and understanding in that matter as well.

I was at a Thanksgiving where some smart family member brought a movie aimed to interest the older children (meaning 3rd to 5th graders or so) and put it in the game room TV after the appetizers started to get boring but about half an hour before dinner was served…all the kids were instantly out from underfoot, because of course the little guys wanted to be doing what the bigger kids were doing. Then the movie was turned off for the call to dinner. As soon as the 5th grade-and-under kids got restless at the dinner table, the movie went back on. Shazam!! An hour of quiet after-dinner conversation time! Then there was desert and everyone went home.

People who want to watch the game and can’t do it are going to be ready to wind it up and head home sooner than those who’d like to chat another hour. This is elementary. That is one thing to take into account when you decide whether or not to have the game on. If you want everyone out of the house sooner, don’t turn it on. Those who don’t like to chat will be pushing to go home at the first moment that decency allows. If you’d like a chance for a lot of chatting, you’re wise to offer entertainment that you’ve identified to suit the non-chatty types…but save some to offer* after *dinner, if you can, because of course after dinner is the best time to chat.

 

[pnewton]

It is something we are obligated to do, though,

If an event is obligatory, then I think it changes a lot of dynamics, including the expectation role of the host. I can see how going to a baptism might be something expected, but i guess I don’t get any sort of party obligation.

 

[Pug]

If an event is obligatory, then I think it changes a lot of dynamics, including the expectation role of the host. I can see how going to a baptism might be something expected, but i guess I don’t get any sort of party obligation.

What a novel concept that one could simply refuse to go to most of these events with no repercussions. I do want decent relations with my family. I have figured out that I can safely turn down the rare shower invitations, though. <>

I suppose it depends on the intact family dynamics, and every family is different. Our extended family obligations have been tapering off over the last 15 years. But this is counterbalanced by my spouse, who never turns down any invitation. <> It is up to me to be the pooper. Maybe it has become more of an obligation to my spouse and not the extended family…Really, I do view parties as for other people. They are for other people to feel surrounded by family and that is defeated if the family won’t show up. Thus parties are an obligation.