Proper etiquette for hosts regarding guests who can't live without 'the game'

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Armor_of_Light said:
Ahh yes. Good point.

Baptism get together after the ceremony. And, all my side of the family came great distances (like 5-12 hours) to attend.
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I would just put the TV away. It is not your responsibility to entertain them with sports, this is a very specific celebration and if they do not care they can stay home. You are not inviting them to come to hang around and to watch sports you are inviting theme for a very specific reason. If you were to invite them just to hang around then you should provide a TV with sports if that is what they like and if it is possible. If you cannot move the TV then unplug it.
 
I’m with you, also, OP. My guess is that anyone who is that consumed by sports that they will be terribly disappointed to miss “the game,” has some method of recording it. So let them record it and watch it later. It is your child’s baptism, for goodness sakes. There is no reason why the main event at a party in your house celebrating a religious event, should be something that you don’t enjoy.

I don’t enjoy having the TV on during a party, and as much as I respect the choice of a host to have it on at their house and throw a party their way, it is just as important that other people respect your choice to throw a party your way. Furthermore, when the TV is on, I have to have one eye on it at all times, because you never know when a VERY inappropriate commercial is going to come on and scandalize my children. So while I suffer through the state of constantly having to watch it, and not be able to focus on the conversations I want to at other peoples’ houses, I’ll be darned if I’m going to do that in my house at my party, not to mention the fact that my obligations as host would not allow me to be watching the TV for content.

Here’s the thing though. If the vast majority of your guests are this attached to the TV (do they all want to watch the same game?), and if they are bold enough to all ask you to turn it on during the party, then what? That’s where it gets sticky. Some people would be understanding if you said that you didn’t want to have it on, because you didn’t want your children to watch the commercials. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’d rather not have the TV on,” but it might result in an indignant response. Depending on your relationship with the people asking, it might be easy to say, “Hey, this is my house, and i don’t want the game on while we’re celebrating a baptism. Can we not just interact with each other?” Other people you might need to be more delicate with. Are these people you know well enough to say, “we won’t have the game on at the party, so be sure to set your dvr!”

I may be sensitive to this topic, but I get pretty offended that people would come into MY house and tell me that I’m not throwing a party right because of some preference of theirs. Etiquette is for the host AND the guests. Nowhere does it say that the host must mimic the living environment of the guest’s home, but it absolutely does call on the guests to be gracious and thankful for the generosity of the hostess, and to not expect to call the shots. You do have to decide if this is a hill to die on. Will holding the line make people leave early / be terribly offended / change the relationship? Or will holding the line simply show your family that “when in Rome…” Do your guests know where you keep your tv? Do you need to move it “to make room?” Are you inviting too many people?
 
my two cents…

Hide the tv. If people think “the game” is more important than anything then they are worshiping a false idol and by keeping “the game” on you are participating in their false worship.

If it is your home then your rules prevail. That’s why it’s your home. I don’t mean for you to be inhospitable, however.

Do you really want people around who idolize “the game” above all else, even if they’re family? Better to have people around who don’t worship idols, even if it’s going to be fewer people. Quantity isn’t always quality.

However, this is just my opinion and they’re like noses, so if you disagree, please ignore this.

And congratulations on the baptism!
 
I had family (in-laws (of my ex)) over for Easter dinner one year. This was a sit down dinner for 12 - china/crystal/silver/linen - the whole deal. My ex-sister-in-law brought a guy she was dating who could not LIVE if he was unable to watch the Ryder Cup. :rolleyes:

So he went to the bar.

She was flabbergasted and beyond embarrassed, and the family was totally annoyed that he would do that to her. But we were not prepared to have a tv running when we all just wanted family time together.

That all being said — I would still not turn on a tv just for someone who could not set their priorities in order. If you are going to be a guest at someone’s home, and that is what you chose to do that day, then watching the game is secondary. If the game is more important - then stay home.

Pretty easy.

~Liza
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Well, yeah my brother bugs me a bit…I have a tendency to vent online. Shocker.

But, no it really is about people not being able or willing to put the love of sports aside for special occasions. And I do mean special (see previous description) not the standard Sunday family dinner at FIL’s house.
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My feedback does not change regardless of the occasion, special or not:
  1. Choose your battles – If this is important to you, make that clear in the invitation BEFOREHAND and don’t complain AFTERWARDS if you did not communicate your expectations
  2. You know what they are like – don’t think that your relatives will magically change, they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. In their eyes, YOU are the one with the issue.
  3. Don’t invite them – you opened the door and let them in. If they can’t abide by your rules, don’t invite them. If they ask, if it’s that important to you, then Tell them.
 
coachdennis said:
My feedback does not change regardless of the occasion, special or not:
  1. Choose your battles – If this is important to you, make that clear in the invitation BEFOREHAND and don’t complain AFTERWARDS if you did not communicate your expectations
  2. You know what they are like – don’t think that your relatives will magically change, they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. In their eyes, YOU are the one with the issue.
  3. Don’t invite them – you opened the door and let them in. If they can’t abide by your rules, don’t invite them. If they ask, if it’s that important to you, then Tell them.
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OK ‘coach’ from Boston…I see this is a hot button for you as well.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I enjoy learning little bits about how the minds of others work. Gives me more to talk about with the adults in the kitchen. 😃
 
Armor_of_Light said:
But, no it really is about people not being able or willing to put the love of sports aside for special occasions. And I do mean special (see previous description) not the standard Sunday family dinner at FIL’s house.
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I so understand where you’re coming from, AoL. I find many of the responses on this thread disheartening.

I wonder why it is that we (as a society) are so unable to be without TV, for even a few hours, once in awhile, for a special occasion?

I visited my FH’s family in Australia at Christmastime last year. We spent the afternoon and had dinner with my FMIL/FFIL/FSIL … the TV was not on at all, that I can remember.

A few days after Christmas, my FH’s uncle and aunt hosted a family get-together at their holiday house. There were all ages present, from senior citizens to young children. We spent the entire day there (not just 2 or 3 hours). Again, the TV was never turned on. A group of us ladies went out for a walk and chatted leaving the guys at home to chat … and throughout the day people sat on the verandah and had drinks and talked, people drifted in and out of the house to converse. Yes, converse! :eek: Imagine that! People were actually interested in each other! 🙂

Have we really so lost the art of conversation? Can we not, just for a few hours, once in awhile focus on others? Instead of getting “ants in the pants” because we’re missing whatever game/show might be on TV? 😦

.
 
Televised football tends to have aspects of diabolical mimicry. Sundays are not about God and family but about a television. Those who win the Superbowl Trophy kiss it, as if it were a relic, an icon, or their Golden Calf. People shout shout “O God” and place emphasis on a game as if it were something that truly affected their lives–that a loss is the equivalent of a flood or fire. Sports stars are idols. Viewing is addictive. Some people probably think about it during Mass, or maybe even miss Mass to get ready for a game day. People wear the same shirt (without washing) during a winning streak as a sort of talisman, a grave matter of superstition. People eat certain foods or drink to excess, perverting the idea of gathering around the table to share a meal and grossly imitating the meal that takes place at Church on Sunday by indulging in ritual.

Anyone who takes offense to the above, please know that I am aware that not everyone who watches a game is obsessed, missing Mass, or engaging in superstitious ritual. I know priests who watch football, but would drop everything to visit a sick parishioner. But I have also seen first hand the destruction caused by these obsessions (I was a bartender and waitress for years–I’ve seen “it” all and even done some of “it”!). It is about priorities, and doing only that which ultimately brings you closer to God or at the very least doesn’t take you further away.

No one has suggested prayer for these people that are addicted or obsessed by sports. They are truly missing out on what matters and the true meaning of the Lord’s Day. And may quite possibly be sinning. Anytime we place something over God, we are sinning against the 1st Commandment.

I’m not sure what kind of baptismal party you are having and can offer little advice except please do not allow others’ imperfections to bring you to sin by anger.

On a brighter note, the fact that people are coming from far away is a sign that they truly love you. I like the idea of placing the TV in an out of the way spot where people can check in with the game as a way of exhibiting hospitality (a good charism to pray for!). By being charitable, you can be a good example (charity does not involve grumbling about the game).

But don’t forget to pray, and don’t forget that the party isn’t all that important. Your child becoming a Child of God is, and that happens at the Church! You can witness by being cheerful and not allowing others’ proclivities to impede on your inner peace and happiness on that momentous day!
 
Morwenna said:
I so understand where you’re coming from, AoL. I find many of the responses on this thread disheartening. I wonder why it is that we (as a society) are so unable to be without TV, for even a few hours, once in awhile, for a special occasion? I visited my FH’s family in Australia at Christmastime last year. We spent the afternoon and had dinner with my FMIL/FFIL/FSIL … the TV was not on at all, that I can remember. A few days after Christmas, my FH’s uncle and aunt hosted a family get-together at their holiday house. There were all ages present, from senior citizens to young children. We spent the entire day there (not just 2 or 3 hours). Again, the TV was never turned on. A group of us ladies went out for a walk and chatted leaving the guys at home to chat … and throughout the day people sat on the verandah and had drinks and talked, people drifted in and out of the house to converse. Yes, converse! :eek: Imagine that! People were actually interested in each other! 🙂 Have we really so lost the art of conversation? Can we not, just for a few hours, once in awhile focus on others? Instead of getting “ants in the pants” because we’re missing whatever game/show might be on TV? 😦 .
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YES

Thank you…

As I stated, some of us had a great time in the kitchen and other areas of the house and nature trails outside. It really was a great day and a great celebration welcoming our newest little sister.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
People love sports. I get it…

When we go to local family functions, there is always at least 1 TV on playing ‘the game’ You know…the game is always on and always super important. Which is cool I guess…I don’t have to watch it and it isn’t my house.

But, what about when people, in addition to people from a different side of the family come for a party at my house? We don’t have the TV on at all because:
  1. We don’t get to see some of them very often.
  2. We couldn’t care less about sports.
And…there is complaning going on because of it! Gotta watch the game!! GAME GAME GAME.

Is it bad manners to refuse the guests their beloved game? And if so, does that then give me the leeway to turn off the TV when I’m at their house?

Thanks
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I don’t think it is bad manners to refuse to let guests watch the game if they are so concerned about it ask before they come I rather someone not come to a party because of a game then sit in my living room all the time and watch the game themselves. But being the huge sports fan I am I would probably watch it with them.
 
Armor_of_Light said:
Ahh yes. Good point.

Baptism get together after the ceremony. And, all my side of the family came great distances (like 5-12 hours) to attend.
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I would imagine the baptism is on sunday and if its in the fall that makes it more difficult. Its hard to pull people way from NFL football

also most people will want to watch sports at a party if it involves their team, not if its some rerun from 1981 if people watch that much sports they have an issue to deal with.

for a situation like a baptism I would say it would be inappropriate, but I guess it needs to be up to you would you rather have all the men at the party (and maybe some women) staring at their phones the entire time and not having a conversation with anyone, or watching TV the entire time and having conversations during the commercial breaks.

There are some people who just can’t be pulled away from sports.

I sometimes get too pulled in as well but I do know when its appropriate to wait to see the score.
 
coachdennis said:
My feedback does not change regardless of the occasion, special or not:
  1. Choose your battles – If this is important to you, make that clear in the invitation BEFOREHAND and don’t complain AFTERWARDS if you did not communicate your expectations
  2. You know what they are like – don’t think that your relatives will magically change, they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. In their eyes, YOU are the one with the issue.
  3. Don’t invite them – you opened the door and let them in. If they can’t abide by your rules, don’t invite them. If they ask, if it’s that important to you, then Tell them.
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That says it.

The thing is, OP, You know that your family is going to want to watch whatever game is on. This doesn’t come as a surprise to you.

But if suddenly you hide your TV or unplug it or whatever, your family is going to revolt. And really, I don’t blame them. What if it wasn’t the TV, but a touch football game or horseshoes? What if every time the family gets together they have this game? But this time, for once, you want to play cards or watch TV or just talk?. What if you didn’t tell anyone, but instead you just bought cards? How would your family feel?

If you want to change what the family has always done, you need to let them know ahead of time.
Armor_of_Light said:
OK ‘coach’ from Boston…I see this is a hot button for you as well.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I enjoy learning little bits about how the minds of others work. Gives me more to talk about with the adults in the kitchen. 😃
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:confused:
Vs the adults in the living room?
 
This is a difficult one for me, and I thank the OP for giving me food for thought. 🙂

I do not entertain. Ever. So I’m not much in tune with the “proper etiquette” of such things. I am a sports fan (as is the rest of my family) of a certain team, and we just don’t schedule things during those games.

Just because people are family doesn’t mean they want to spend an entire afternoon talking to each other. TV offers an opportunity to “opt out” of mindless chitchat with people to whom I have nothing of substance to say; I can only say so much about the weather to Auntie Mary before I’m looking for an escape route, so to speak.

Is this “right?” I don’t know. But it’s absolutely true. At my own wedding reception, I served no meat or alcohol because I knew that would make people leave early. 😉

Jala
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
I’m with you, also, OP. My guess is that anyone who is that consumed by sports that they will be terribly disappointed to miss “the game,” has some method of recording it. So let them record it and watch it later. It is your child’s baptism, for goodness sakes. There is no reason why the main event at a party in your house celebrating a religious event, should be something that you don’t enjoy.

I don’t enjoy having the TV on during a party, and as much as I respect the choice of a host to have it on at their house and throw a party their way, it is just as important that other people respect your choice to throw a party your way. Furthermore, when the TV is on, I have to have one eye on it at all times, because you never know when a VERY inappropriate commercial is going to come on and scandalize my children. So while I suffer through the state of constantly having to watch it, and not be able to focus on the conversations I want to at other peoples’ houses, I’ll be darned if I’m going to do that in my house at my party, not to mention the fact that my obligations as host would not allow me to be watching the TV for content.

Here’s the thing though. If the vast majority of your guests are this attached to the TV (do they all want to watch the same game?), and if they are bold enough to all ask you to turn it on during the party, then what? That’s where it gets sticky. Some people would be understanding if you said that you didn’t want to have it on, because you didn’t want your children to watch the commercials. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’d rather not have the TV on,” but it might result in an indignant response. Depending on your relationship with the people asking, it might be easy to say, “Hey, this is my house, and i don’t want the game on while we’re celebrating a baptism. Can we not just interact with each other?” Other people you might need to be more delicate with. Are these people you know well enough to say, “we won’t have the game on at the party, so be sure to set your dvr!”

I may be sensitive to this topic, but I get pretty offended that people would come into MY house and tell me that I’m not throwing a party right because of some preference of theirs. Etiquette is for the host AND the guests. Nowhere does it say that the host must mimic the living environment of the guest’s home, but it absolutely does call on the guests to be gracious and thankful for the generosity of the hostess, and to not expect to call the shots. You do have to decide if this is a hill to die on. Will holding the line make people leave early / be terribly offended / change the relationship? Or will holding the line simply show your family that “when in Rome…” Do your guests know where you keep your tv? Do you need to move it “to make room?” Are you inviting too many people?
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👍👍👍

One reason some people can not live with out ‘the game’ on is that they are, in a sense, addulted to watching any type of ‘game’ on TV. :cool::p:D
 
Jala said:
Just because people are family doesn’t mean they want to spend an entire afternoon talking to each other. TV offers an opportunity to “opt out” of mindless chitchat with people to whom I have nothing of substance to say; I can only say so much about the weather to Auntie Mary before I’m looking for an escape route, so to speak.
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I think there is a false dichotomy here 🙂 The only two choices aren’t “opting out” via TV, or enduring “mindless chitchat”.

There is a third option, which I alluded to in my prior post: the (lost?) “art” of conversation.

“Conversation” is not discussing the weather, nor is it mindless chitchat. Conversation means learning to “draw the other person out” … discovering their interests, hearing the stories that they have to share. Is it always easy to do? No, but it’s important!

It may begin (for some of us) as “dying to self” … focusing on someone else instead of what we want to do, or what we want to talk about … but before we know it, we may find ourselves really becoming interested in the other person’s life, opinions, and perspective. 👍

I may have a different outlook than some here:

My grandparents and great aunts/uncles all died when I was still too young to appreciate them as people, who had a unique history and unique stories to tell. How I would love to have had the opportunity (as an adult) to hear the stories of their lives: how things were in their childhood, young adulthood, to hear their life’s adventures, large and small. I never got that chance, and it’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

For those of you who are lucky enough to have older relatives still living, please be aware of what treasures they are! They have so much to share with you, if you’ll only take an interest in them, and take the time to draw them out! 🙂

I’m willing to bet any amount of money that at the end of your life, you’re not going to look back and regret missing a certain game on a certain day (in fact, I’ll bet you won’t even remember that missed game) … but, you may very well end up regretting time you missed with relatives who have since passed on. :sad_yes:

Sorry for the long post … but I think this is a very important topic, and is worth a bit of reflection.

.
 
In my experience, the person hosting the party at their house gets to make it how they want. I’ve been to no-alcohol parties, no-coffee parties, will be attending a no-dancing wedding reception, and parities with music I couldn’t stand that’s really loud. I personally think it’s rude to go to someone’s house and demand to use their TV. It would be kind to advise people of this beforehand, OP, so they can record it or choose to not go. But I don’t think you should be bullied into having the TV on at your own home. At my wedding reception, a lot of people thought we should play music they wanted. Fortunately, I had a good DJ who followed my wishes to not play hip-hop music. A group of family members tried to bully him and told him a lot of the family wants to hear this. But my husband and I don’t like that kind of music, so we didn’t want it at our party. I’ve been to receptions and other parties of those family members. They never consulted me about what music to play. They play what they want, and I wouldn’t expect them to do otherwise.
 
OP- I feel your pain. I think it’s extremely bad manners to go to someone else’s home and insist on sitting in front of the TV the whole time. I’ve actually had a friend’s husband come to a party at my home and start in on his wife with “about ready?” literally twenty minutes later because he found out I don’t have cable. However, I’ve discovered that it’s a self-solving problem. People who can’t enjoy a party unless they are watching “the game” might as well stay where they are, parked in front of the box, because they rarely have anything intelligent to add to the conversation anyway. Meanwhile, their other family members are having fun without them. It’s the way of the world. Some ladies bring an infant that has to be set up in the pack-n-play and provided a private place to nurse and change. Others bring children that need coloring books, cupcakes, kickballs, and a Disney movie. Others bring a socially-stunted, adult screen gazer. A good hostess accomadates all of these scenarios if she wants her friends to keep coming.
 
We’ve been elected this year to host the family’s Thanksgiving. That involves no less 34 (yes, you read that right) people in our little house. Half of these 34 are die-hard football fans. We have a tv, but no bunny ears and no cable… just netflix. :bigyikes: Thanksgiving without the game!

I dread this. I am going to have angry brother’s-in-law, I know it.
 
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