Proposing - A challenge in logistics

[Mrs_Sally]

Don’t listen to the friend. Most parishes require 6 months of pre-cana preparation and if you are going to be apart, the logisitics may make things take longer.Trust me, your girlfriend won’t care if the engagement was 6 months or a year after you are married. And your marriage will start on a stronger note if you have properly prepared!

 

[tominabox1]

Please read my past posts…

engagement should NOT be a surprise. You should discern this together. Proposal can be a surprise, but not engagement.

Honestly, it can take at least a year to feel really comfortable with NFP itself…perhaps health probs to get taken care of and stuff.

I understand what you are saying, but I have a hard time understanding the logistics of it all. If I say “hey lets go talk to Fr. Richard about getting married,” doesn’t that sorta take all the wind out of a future proposal? I just don’t see how I could say it so that it doesn’t sound like a proposal already, if you catch my drift.

 

[agapewolf]

I understand what you are saying, but I have a hard time understanding the logistics of it all. If I say “hey lets go talk to Fr. Richard about getting married,” doesn’t that sorta take all the wind out of a future proposal? I just don’t see how I could say it so that it doesn’t sound like a proposal already, if you catch my drift.

No, it doesn’t take the wind out of it. If you have been dating correctly, you know that the whole reason are you dating is to discern marriage. It isn’t just the guy that gets to decide when the discernment is over and they should get married. This is a mutual discernement process.

She should not be surprised that you are asking her to marry you. She CAN be surprised by WHEN, HOW, WITH WHAT RING, WHAT is involved (props, etc).

Do you see? You can’t just surprise her with the fact that you decided its time. That is a grave mistake. Then, honestly, she shouldn’t answer “yes” immediately, she should wait awhile and think about it. If you’ve discerned together you are called to marriage, then its been thought out.

This is the way you can do it. “Honey, let’s talk serious about our relationship. I’m dating you to discern if we are called to marriage. It seems that is what God is calling us to, and if you agree, let’s take this discerning to a more systematic approach. Let’s get spiritual direction and guidance.” Then, you can discuss your plan…your prayer together and apart. Get a hold of some marriage prep materials and read through them on your own. Make an appt with a priest and ask to take the foccus.

 

[SpaceNeedle]

Astute point, agapewolf.

I hate to bring the “fun level” down even more, but I am engaged and there wasn’t even technically a proposal…we just discussed marriage and then details and who would be responsible for what and what would we do when, and this that and the other…all part of the discernment process. So who knows, maybe I have an engagement ring coming but I kinda hope not; I break nice jewelry too often.

I don’t know a culture other than this (American) culture that puts such emphasis on the drama of a proposal. But truly, I can understand the OP’s desire to have it be memorable, as so weight is put on that. I remind myself pretty regularly that I am Catholic first, and a part of American cultural zeitgeist second (or seventy eighth or…)

 

[FastLearner]

I understand what you are saying, but I have a hard time understanding the logistics of it all. If I say “hey lets go talk to Fr. Richard about getting married,” doesn’t that sorta take all the wind out of a future proposal? I just don’t see how I could say it so that it doesn’t sound like a proposal already, if you catch my drift.

You can start by having deep and specific conversations about your future - like asking specifically, “If (or be more bold and say When) we have kids, how do you want to split the holidays between our families?” or “If we have kids, do you want to send them to private school, public school, Catholic school, or home school?” That does three things: first it identifies potential issues that need to be worked out before marriage, second it gets her to think about being married to you and to consider that option (if she hasn’t already), and third it can be a way to find out what she thinks about a proposal. If she replies “I don’t want to think about that” or “we’ll deal with it when we get there” or generally avoids the topic, she’s not ready to get married. If she replies with a well thought-out answer, you know she’s been planning your marriage. If you get something in between (she doesn’t have an answer but she’s not opposed to talking about it), then you have to feel it out. Ask her a different, but related question a week later and see if she thought about the situation during the week. If you need example topics, I’ll post some below from my pre-Cana workshop (I doubt they would mind).

Example Topics:

• Dual Careers: If one spouse is offered a career promotion requiring a move, how will you make a decision regarding whether to move? After you both come home in the evening, what are your expectations about dinner?
• Marital Roles: Who do you expect to do the following: Heavy Cleaning, Light Cleaning, Major household repairs, Minor household repairs, Grocery shopping, Clothes shopping, Cool, Cleaning after meals, Taking out the trash, Taking care of the cars, Taking care of pets, Lawn/Garden care, Laundry?
• Friendships: What is your opinion about spending time with friends who are single after you are married? How much importance is placed on having mutual friends? What is appropriate for you to share with friends about your spouse?
• In-Laws: After marriage, how much time to you expect to spend visiting your in-laws? How will you spend major holidays before and after children? What expectation do you have from your parents/in-laws regarding your children?
• Children: When do you want to have children? How many? How far apart in age would you prefer? If you cannot conceive, is adoption an option? What are the specific roles of mothers / fathers? How do you plan to develop faith in your children?

 

[tominabox1]

FastLearner - Thanks again for the straight answer, knowing the right questions to ask would be nice. We’ve already talked about many of these things but not all of them. I really don’t see where we wouldn’t be able to come to an agreement on all of them but I’m sure there are things that will need some discussion.

I can’t wait to talk to her at length again, it has been a long summer and only talking 10-20 min a day and texting sure doesn’t cut it!

 

[Phemie]

FastLearner - Thanks again for the straight answer, knowing the right questions to ask would be nice. We’ve already talked about many of these things but not all of them. I really don’t see where we wouldn’t be able to come to an agreement on all of them but I’m sure there are things that will need some discussion.

I can’t wait to talk to her at length again, it has been a long summer and only talking 10-20 min a day and texting sure doesn’t cut it!

Take it from someone who had discussed all this but still was engaged for over 2 years because of both our careers which had us on opposite ends of the country (him with the military, me in school), it’s worth the wait.

 

[newbetx]

edit: I see you pulled up an old thread of mine: this is not the same girl That one didn’t work out too well!

Her FRIEND isnt Catholic… My girlfriend is VERY Catholic! I know she’ll say yes and I’m not worried about that.

To the person who said to do it now, I WISH I COULD!!! We’ve been apart all summer as I’ve had a job away from school and she’s been working at a summer camp many states away.

I like the idea of starting some stuff even before I ask her but I don’t see a way to do that without making it less of a surprise ya know… If there’s a good way to do that, let me know!

Thanks for the tips and suggestions, keep em coming!

I’m truly sorry. I didn’t check the dates. My bad.

I’m glad this one is working out better for you. But you still haven’t “been dating too long” as you say on this thread.

There probably is a way to do some of the things before you even see her again. Most of the prep is discussing questions concerning your future together. Number of children. situations with family. debt. frequency of… well that can wait until later. There are some resources out on the net about premarital compatibility questions. I think there was a thread on this a couple of years ago.

Really, right now the best thing you can do to prepare yourself for marriage is to get to know each other better. And you don’t need to be next to each other to do that. There’s a ton of “what if” questions you might want to consider. She may know that you are "getting serious, but if you think she’d really say yes, today, then asking these questions wouldn’t ruin the surprise. She’s probably already thinking about them. And may have some for you.

There’s still plenty to cover in the pre-cana courses. But if you’ve already discussed them at a low level, you can then rediscuss them at a deeper level.

Actually, I’m not sure it should be a surprise, but hey, the romance of bended knee seems to be something many women expect. For me, I asked in passing conversation. After seven months, she finally said yes. Then I let her pick the ring. We had it custom made. Most people refused to believe we were engaged until after she actually got a ring. Not all engagements need follow the set methodology of bended knee, beautiful landscape or billboard or sky writing. It’s up to you, though.

Well, here’s one that’s probably been done before but if you are the outdoors type… geocache.

 

[newbetx]

Opps, let me clarify (I could see how that wasn’t clear) - most Catholic churches require you to set a date 6 to 12 months out, but within that 6 to 12 months, you can easily finish the required prep in 2 months. The delay is to make sure you’re serious about the marriage and not “rushing into” it.

My perception was that the OP is concerned that he’ll only have 2 months in the same town with his fiancee after proposing (though, presumably the wedding date will be further out). In terms of being able to complete the required marriage prep, that’s enough time (though, like I said, he may want to contact the church to check on their policies and his (or her) parish priest or deacon to check on the required marriage prep timing, as it can vary.

Well, we had the 6 bi-weekly meeting method. We were able to set a date a little less that 6 months out. Of course, the priest knew us both. Knew we had been dating for 2 years. Were both active in the parish 20 somethings group. Knew she was my RICA sponsor (prior to engagement). So there was already a long history there. And that, IMO, was still not enough, BTW… but that’s another story.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

You don’t even have to pick out the ring prior to proposing/getting engaged. My nephew and his fiancee had an engagement ring made with two diamonds, one from each family. The one from his side of the family was given to him by his grandmother (it was her mother’s) to be use in an engagement ring if he wanted to. They thought it would be nice to use one from her family as well.