Obviously, I’m not dating.
Father, that is the difference. The purpose of *dating *is to discern marriage, not to have a beer with a good mate and watch the ball game.
What happens OFTEN in dating is that the Catholic and non-Catholic enter into with a “we’ll figure out the religion thing later” and then once their hearts are engaged, they’ve developed a deep romantic attachment and can’t bear to part-- THEN religion and raising of children rears its ugly head because they are starting to discuss marriage.
It is then that the Catholic is vulnerable to compromising their faith and the non-Catholic is vulnerable in the same way. Typically the “happy” mixed marriages are the marriages where one spouse doesn’t practice the faith of their youth and goes along with the other spouse in practicing theirs. This “works” until and unless the non-practicing spouse suddenly “gets religion” and starts being active in their own faith. Then it becomes perilous.
It is not merely “being friends with” someone when you set out to date them. It is much more than that. And, with the Catholic faith there are many obligations: Mass attendance, raising children Catholic. And there are many moral issues: contraception and other sexual mores as well as very REAL differences in Christian faith. The Eucharist is the Body of Christ or it’s not. Baptism is necessary for salvation, or it’s not. Infants can be baptized, or they can’t. And we haven’t even begun to get into the numerous real issues when you bring the in-laws into the picture, particularly if THEY are practicing in their own faith.
When a Catholic approaches you for marriage with her non-Catholic fiancé, it is a fait accompli. You are counseling that couple from a much different place than this person asking if they should begin a relationship with a Catholic.
What we *tend *to recommend here when Catholics come on board or non Catholics, asking about a relationship they haven’t yet started is not that a Catholic and non-Catholic never date (although some certainly do take that position) but **caution **that if you have not already started dating, it might be better to look for someone with whom you share the faith, the MOST important and most intimate part of who you are. It might be a good idea to think about what you want in a marriage, how you want to live out your faith life in your home, how you want to raise children, and then decide if dating a non-Catholic (or a non-practicing Catholic for that matter) fits your vision of your vocation. Go in with eyes open, and BEFORE you commit your heart and blur your vision, have serious discussions regarding the faith. Guard your heart. Know your obligations. And, before getting romantically involved with someone who does not share your beliefs, know what that really means as it plays out in a marriage.
Most non-Catholic Christians view their denominations somewhat interchangeably (except the hard core fringe variety). As a former protestant, I changed churches with different boyfriends, and most of the evangelical variety are pretty similar, even from my high church background, we intermixed quite regularly and didn’t see a difference. NOT SO with the Catholic faith. It is completely different to date a practicing Catholic as a non-Catholic and vice versa.
There are so many heartbreaking posts on this forum regarding Catholics and non-Catholics who didn’t heed this type of caution. One in fact who we flat out told not to marry their intended due to all the red flags has come back now many years later and is divorced and seeking annulment. Another who professed her happy mixed marriage (Lutheran/non-practicing Catholic) for about 3 years and argued vehemently against me every time I gave the above advice, has now come back and publically said “you were right” to me personally, because her formerly non-practicing Catholic husband awoke to his faith three years in to their marriage, and now she’s miserable.
She can make the decision of whether or not she wants to be friends and date him.
Dating is **not **the same thing as being friends. And, for those of us who have been through this and come out the other side, we are serious about the consequences of making poor choices in dating. Dating is not just something fun you do. It’s purpose is to discern a future marriage partner. And if this is not someone you would consider marrying, as is, don’t date them.
Funny how love ends up working.
Don’t bank on that, however, Father. It’s imprudent to say it will just all work out. There are too many broken lives on here trying to pick up the pieces because they didn’t discern seriously.
