Protestant girlfriend

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MichaelTrum

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I am a Catholic and I’m dating a Protestant(hence the title). Things with our relationship are going very well. We talk about God a lot and I know she loves him a lot. I’ve given her a couple of talks on CD’s. They were Matthew Kelly ones and she liked them a lot, but they weren’t saturated with a lot of Catholic content, as far as Church teachings and such.
Anyways, I’m worried because I know I want my kids to be Catholic and she probably wants them to be Protestant. I am really hoping that I can show her the trueness and goodness of Catholicism over time. But am I making a mistake by dating her, with the intentions of her becoming Catholic, even though she didn’t say she wanted to? I know God is in our relationship and I am relying on the fact he gives us guidance. Is that fair to her though? I need advice on how to handle evangelization with her. Any words of advice or books would be helpful! I would like one that relates to the situation, but any relationship book would be good.
 
MichaelTrum said:
But am I making a mistake by dating her, with the intentions of her becoming Catholic, even though she didn’t say she wanted to?
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Yes.

If you cannot date her as she is, then you should not date her at all. You should never date a person with the intention of changing them.

You can certainly continue to evangelize, but not as a boyfriend hoping to change her.
 
Michael, this will be a tough situation. I respectfully, but strongly, urge you to think carefully before pursuing this lady, no matter how nice and sweet she is. Why? Because you will eventually come to loggerheads with her, which will be all the worse if it happens after you are married to her.

If you are “this far along,” as it is, you ought to consider some things:
  1. The most obvious is children. Clearly you and her will eventually but heads over raising children. You may delay it,…by simply not mentioning it…but how will that help you (it won’t)?
  2. There are a lot of practical differences between Catholics & Protestants which appear when spouses are of different faiths. How do you feel about having to go to your wife’s church “once in a while?” Or every Sunday? How do you feel about all sorts of uniquely Catholic aspects of life – such as devotion to Mary; the Rosary; “no meat on Fridays in Lent,” i.e. everything, being either absent from your home, or alternatively not understood or given short shrift by your spouse? These are serious items that will create a wedge between spouses.
  3. At days’ end, despite occasional rants on this board, I am convinced that no Protestant faith, by far, can offer the spiritual depth and theological force that Roman Catholicism can. Name one protestant philospher who can match the depth of, say, Aquinas; Augustine; Albert the Great; etc. (I can’t, and I’ve read many of them). This difference infuses all aspects of theological life. These thinkers’ theories are in our colleges; as to Aquinas, “the Church has declared Thomas’ doctrines to be Her own.” Protestantism cannot match this. An illustration would suffice. I once dated a lovely sweet protestant woman who I knew would have made a wonderful wife and mom some day. However, any theological discussion eventually boiled down to her saying some permutation of “I’ll have to look at the Bible about that.” I just couldn’t handle the lack of intellectual depth of her faith.
The fact that your girlfriend is otherwise really wonderful makes what I wrote above all the more heartbreaking, in some respects. But, to quote Nick Lowe, sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind (not really cruel, but Nick sung it soooo well) and perhaps you should think hard about moving on. Good luck.
 
PolarGuy said:
Michael, this will be a tough situation. I respectfully, but strongly, urge you to think carefully before pursuing this lady, no matter how nice and sweet she is. Why? Because you will eventually come to loggerheads with her, which will be all the worse if it happens after you are married to her.

If you are “this far along,” as it is, you ought to consider some things:
  1. The most obvious is children. Clearly you and her will eventually but heads over raising children. You may delay it,…by simply not mentioning it…but how will that help you (it won’t)?
  2. There are a lot of practical differences between Catholics & Protestants which appear when spouses are of different faiths. How do you feel about having to go to your wife’s church “once in a while?” Or every Sunday? How do you feel about all sorts of uniquely Catholic aspects of life – such as devotion to Mary; the Rosary; “no meat on Fridays in Lent,” i.e. everything, being either absent from your home, or alternatively not understood or given short shrift by your spouse? These are serious items that will create a wedge between spouses.
  3. At days’ end, despite occasional rants on this board, I am convinced that no Protestant faith, by far, can offer the spiritual depth and theological force that Roman Catholicism can. Name one protestant philospher who can match the depth of, say, Aquinas; Augustine; Albert the Great; etc. (I can’t, and I’ve read many of them). This difference infuses all aspects of theological life. These thinkers’ theories are in our colleges; as to Aquinas, “the Church has declared Thomas’ doctrines to be Her own.” Protestantism cannot match this. An illustration would suffice. I once dated a lovely sweet protestant woman who I knew would have made a wonderful wife and mom some day. However, any theological discussion eventually boiled down to her saying some permutation of “I’ll have to look at the Bible about that.” I just couldn’t handle the lack of intellectual depth of her faith.
The fact that your girlfriend is otherwise really wonderful makes what I wrote above all the more heartbreaking, in some respects. But, to quote Nick Lowe, sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind (not really cruel, but Nick sung it soooo well) and perhaps you should think hard about moving on. Good luck.
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I second this!
 
I’m there Michael. I married a protestant girl in the Catholic church. It was easy until we adopted our kids. She went to mass w/ me every Sunday until Nick was born. He is still not baptized-- and he’s 13. His sister is baptized, but can easily get into the “mom doesn’t have to do that” stuff.

I love my wife, but there is no way for her to understand the Catholic faith like she could or would if she was Catholic already. It’s rough raising kids together anyway. This just makes it rougher! I take responsibility for not being the best example of a Catholic too. I am a sinner, period. I wish I was a better example of what a true Catholic was supposed to be. Too many times we are looking for someone to be 100% true Christian, so then we will go join them. That does not happen-- except in the example of Jesus & Mary!
 
MichaelTrum said:
I am a Catholic and I’m dating a Protestant(hence the title). Things with our relationship are going very well. We talk about God a lot and I know she loves him a lot. I’ve given her a couple of talks on CD’s. They were Matthew Kelly ones and she liked them a lot, but they weren’t saturated with a lot of Catholic content, as far as Church teachings and such.
Anyways, I’m worried because I know I want my kids to be Catholic and she probably wants them to be Protestant. I am really hoping that I can show her the trueness and goodness of Catholicism over time. But am I making a mistake by dating her, with the intentions of her becoming Catholic, even though she didn’t say she wanted to? I know God is in our relationship and I am relying on the fact he gives us guidance. Is that fair to her though? I need advice on how to handle evangelization with her. Any words of advice or books would be helpful! I would like one that relates to the situation, but any relationship book would be good.
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I think you are realizing the importance of having the same shared faith in a spouse. If you want your children to be raised Catholic then you need to find and date a Catholic. I am sure she is very nice and a good person but no one should be dating anyone with the hope that they are going to change them. This doesn’t just apply to religion. This applies to alcohol and drug use and a whole host of other issues. But if you are just friends, sharing and evangelizing is great idea.
 
As a Protestant on the verge of conversion to Catholicism (who grew up in a Catholic-Protestant mixed family) allow me to offer some opinions:
We talk about God a lot and I know she loves him a lot
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I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. Catholics and Protestants have a lot in common, and the CCC teaches that Protestants are separated brethren who are to be regarded as brothers and sisters by the children of the Catholic Church. Those born into Protestantism are not held responsible for being in schism with the Catholic Church. This is not said to downplay any of the real differences between Catholicism and Protestantism but to remind you that you both serve the same Lord. This should be your starting point for all conversations and thoughts on religion you have in your relationship. Keep Jesus at the center of everything you do and seek to serve Him in your relationship.
I know I want my kids to be Catholic and she probably wants them to be Protestant.
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What do you mean probably? If you haven’t actually had a discussion with her about the idea of mixed marriages and how she’d feel about her kids being raised in their father’s faith over hers, how do you know what she feels? If you’re at a point in your relationship to be thinking about marriage, then you should have this discussion. If you’re not, then try to get a general sense of her feelings on this matter without being too forward.

My parents didn’t have me baptized as a baby into the Catholic Church, they let me choose for myself and at age 8 I was baptized into the Disciples of Christ denomination. I’m now considering converting to Catholicism. While letting your kids make their own choice is not towing the party line so to speak, it worked out well for me. I think what’s really important is raising your kids with faith and Christian values, and of course teaching them tolerance (especially for their fellow Christians). If you’re not willing to convert to Protestantism for her, don’t expect her to convert to Catholicism for you. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, well then it doesn’t. It’s unrealistic and unhealthy to think you can change a person you’re in a relationship with. If marrying a Catholic is important to you…well then it seems you’re in a bit of a pickle. Pray for her, talk to your spiritual director, and trust in God.

Also what kind of Protestant is she, and how does she feel about the Catholic Church?
 
MattofTexas, I must respectfully take issue with some of what you say.

First, you write that “while letting your kids make their own choice is not towing the party line so to speak, it worked out well for me.”

–Actually, can you really say that, since you’re now leaving the Church you yourself picked? I agree that “Catholicism is where we ought to be,” but it would ideally be the place we pick initially, not the one we come to after various mistakes?
–And if you can say it, isn’t it asking a lot of folks to expect them to make the right choices. when they are starting off with 2 parents in disagreement over what constitutes the theologically correct thing to do?

Now, you also write that “what’s really important is raising your kids with faith and Christian values, and of course teaching them tolerance (especially for their fellow Christians…”

–Well, now, tolerance is fine…but tolerance of…what? Tolerance is, with all due respect, IMHO the *last *thing we should be thinking of when we think of how we ought to look for a future spouse. Should I have been “tolerant” of Ms. Protestant when I was 21, and overlooked the fact that she had no theological depth? If I’d been tolerant more with her, I might have married her, and I’m glad I didn’t!

–Also, teaching Christian values is of course important, but the fact is that Christians often differ on what those values are! The fact that OP has come here expressing concern over his GF’s protestant values clearly suggests that he is worried that their values are different. What I’m saying is this: If OP is Catholic, his GF has different values merely because she’s Protestant.
 
1ke said:
Yes.

If you cannot date her as she is, then you should not date her at all. You should never date a person with the intention of changing them.

You can certainly continue to evangelize, but not as a boyfriend hoping to change her.
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Yes, I’d agree on this one. Hopefully by now you and her have talked a lot about religion and how you see yourselves raising a family. Clearly this – religion – is very important to you, so the sooner you bring it up with her, the sooner you can both wrap your minds and hearts around the matter.
 
I think it’s great that you realize the importance of a shared faith background. I wouldn’t break the relationship off with her without a good discussion of what you are looking for in a spouse. She might have the same thoughts concerning you converting to her faith. I certainly wouldn’t attempt to change her, but you should be open about what is important to you. Don’t guess where she stands…ask her. This is a discussion you should have now rather than later.
 
The most-repeated advice my mom ever gave me about a future spouse is ‘don’t expect to change him.’ This question struck me because I’ve just been reading with my kids through salvation history in the Old Testament, and one theme that keeps coming up is that the people would fall away from God over and over again by marrying foreign, pagan wives. I know that as a Christian, she’s not pagan, but she won’t help you rear your children in the fullness of the truth, either, and it will only become more important as the years go by. How sad it would be not to be able to share your deepest beliefs, prayers, going to mass together, with your wife. See my first sentence, echoed by other posters, and please believe it.
 
Catechism of the Catholic Church:
1635 According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority. In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage. This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.
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Emphasis added.
 
Two simple and practical things that must happen in terms of Roman Catholicism and marriage.

You must be married in a Catholic Church…she can’t be married in her own Church if she plans on marrying you…that is a non-negotiable.

The children must be raised as Catholics…she can’t raise them in her protestant faith if she plans on marrying you…that is a non-negotiable.
The children cannot just go to her service and take care of their Sunday obligation. They must be in Mass every Sunday.

St. Paul warns about being unequally yoked…she should know this too.

NEVER go into a relationship thinking and planning you can convert someone before marriage. Evangelize your friends…but doing this within a relationship is NOT wise and may or may not work.
 
My husband is Lutheran, and let me tell you he had to make a LOT of concessions to marry me.

Before we were even engaged I told him that marrying in the Catholic Church where I grew up and raising our kids Catholic were non-negotiable. I told him I would not attend a regular Lutheran service, but he was welcome to do so.

We have been married five years, and he willingly stopped attending Lutheran service as soon as we married, he reads about Catholicism so he feels comfortable answering the kids’ questions, and her never ever comments that he is the only non-Catholic in the home.

That said we have been together (dating and married) for almost a decade, and only in the past six months has he started to consider converting to Catholicism. However, I have never EVER asked or expected him to convert. I went into the marriage knowing I was marrying someone of another faith who didn’t want to be Catholic.

Let me be honest. My husband’s faith is a non-issue. It has never been a big deal to us that we aren’t the same faith. I went to a Lutheran college, so I’m comfortable with that situation. However, my in laws have a HUGE issue with me and the children being Catholic. All you have to do is look at my post on them refusing to stay seated during Communion at Catholic Mass to understand that even while you and your girlfriend may be okay with different faiths you could be marrying into a family that isn’t okay with it. That brings a whole different set of issues.

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I want to add my husband attends Catholic Mass exclusively.

He is a faithful man of God, but he knew going into this marriage that Catholicism came first. He was okay with that. Not every spouse will be so willing to make that very difficult choice.

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