Protestant wife refuses to raise kids Catholic. Help!

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lovin_the_beach

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I am a Catholic and my wife is Lutheran. When we got married, I was lukewarm and the differences didn’t matter to me. My faith has strengthened since then and is causing a lot of strife. We just recently had our first child. We want to get him baptized. My wife is insistent on having one of her family members and a friend of ours be the godparents. One is Lutheran and the other is an unbaptized agnostic (who is honored to be chosen as a godfather because of Francis Ford Coppola’s portrayal of what a godfather is, no doubt). We were made to understand by the church secretary that at least one godparent MUST be Catholic and if that is a problem, a third person who is Catholic can be present at the baptism (I suggested one of my siblings). The Church’s record will have the Catholic and one of the others. The certificate we receive will have all 3 people on it. Here’s where it gets ugly. My wife is completely offended that our 2 choices are not good enough for the Church and that a Catholic must be present. She refuses to have a third token Catholic just because. The only other choice is to baptize the baby in the Lutheran church.

A little background on her views: Half of her family was Catholic until a grandmother who got married outside of the Church “without permission” was dying and the local priest(s) refused to give her Last Rites (Sacrament of the Dying and Sick)…but he would do it if they paid $3,000.00! She died without it. Since then they refused to be a part of the Church. She still expects this from anybody working in the Church. She accepted marrying me (in a Catholic church by a priest) because she loves me and I did not push my religious views on her. She knows of the promise I had to make to do everything “possible” to raise the kids Catholic. She loves me but hates the Church and doesn’t want her kids being brainwashed. She insists on my use of a prophylactic because we can’t afford another child right now (she does want another) and refuses to use contraceptives on herself because of the risk of infertility.

I have an intransigent Church and an intransigent spouse. I am completely torn between my Faith and the people I love most on Earth. We refuse to consider divorce and if I even think about it, I break down in tears at the thought of losing my son. If I capitulate and simply let her have her way, I’ll have a happy family but my Catholic family will forever condemn me for raising my kids non-Catholic; not to mention the hatred between my wife and my parents. If I have it my way, resentment, divorce, and the loss of my son will be in my future. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and things just get worse. It seems that my death would be the only thing that would make everybody happy!

What am I to do? Has anybody else’s mixed marriage been this bad?
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is one of the main reasons that I personally believe interfaith marriages are so hard on the relationship. I know of many examples that are like yours – not very strong in the faith so it doesn’t seem like a big deal; and when you have kids, something seems to change. It makes your faith so much more of an important foundation. You’re then in the position of having to negotiate between the two.

I don’t have any good advice for you. I will just keep your situation in my prayers.
 
Mixed marriages can sometimes be difficult, especially if one of the spouses returns to their faith and the other rejects it. So difficult. I can read the pain in your post.

If I were married to a non-catholic and needed to get his permission to baptize my child, I would sit him down and try to express to him how important it is and why. And I would try and have him tell me why it is such an aversion to have a third person (a catholic) baptise our child, and try to work from there. It’s not like the two people she chose are not included.

I’ll pray for you and your wife, and I hope you two straighten it out. I’m glad that your marriage and your wife is so important to you.
 
I think this is an unfortunate example of when communication before the marriage would have saved a lot of trouble and grief. I MADE my husband discuss these matters before we were married, in fact, fairly early on in the relationship. I clearly explained to him that if he were to marry me, we would be married in a Catholic church, our children would be baptized Catholic and raised Catholic, and that divorce would never be an option. He accepted most of my terms. He’s not thrilled about the raised Catholic part, but we’ve agreed on a middle ground.

My best advice would be to seek counseling from your parish priest. I could see that her information about her grandmother’s death could easily be incorrect, considering that people don’t remember everything that is said, and may be mislead.
 
I don’t know much about mixed marriages per se, but do have some pertinent experience.

When my brother and his wife had their son baptized, their chosen godparents couldn’t document their confirmation. Since the deacon performing the baptism knew me, he allowed that I be the boy’s godfather and the others remain as godparent/witnesses. There were no objections (but this happened at the church where I’m sure nobody wanted to make a scene).

Regarding the unbaptized person, I find it difficult to swallow that a person who has no relationship with God to be entrusted with the great responsibility of assisting the child’s spiritual formation. Perhaps one could suggest he be an official witness to the baptism (you and he could call him a godfather, if you like). It should be simple enough to put the issue on a church “bureaucrat” when explaining to him they want a Catholic on the top line.

Your wife is another issue, however. She and her family have a lot of anger over the issue of her grandmother. I have never heard of a licit reason to withhold the sacrament of Extreme Unction (“Last Rites”) but often Reconciliation and Viaticum (Eucharist for the dying) are given at the same time. Perhaps the priest had an issue pertaining to one of those? Perhaps the perceived shakedown was to cover administrative fees to determine the state of her marriage. (If either of the couple had been married before, the previous marriage(s) would have to be annulled or previous spouses deceased. The fees may have been to cover the investigation. However, the dying cannot wait for that.) I will pray for her family’s healing. Please note that Extreme Unction is not required for salvation.

I do not take this last advice lightly: Perhaps you should delay baptism for a short time so you and your wife can prayerfully reconcile the situation. Personally, I think a hospital chaplain/priest should make rounds in the neonatal and maternity wards, baptizing all the newborns of Catholics (I know, it makes for a lousy photo op). In your case, there is the risk that the instrument of your child’s salvation could be pointed to as an excuse for the dissolution of your family.
 
Why can’t you just teach your kids about your faith while your wife teaches them about hers?
The Church also recognizes baptisms done by other Christians, so in that way, does it really matter if your child is baptized Catholic or Lutheran? It is still the same sacrament that does the same thing: cleanse your kid of original sin.

My advice would be to pick your battles.

Also suggest to your wife that she use female condoms instead of you using male condoms.
 
It appears that you were married in a Catholic church and that your wife acknowledges your obligation to raise your children as Catholics. It also appears that she does not understand the responsibilities of Godparents and their role. Here are some links that may help:

catholicdoors.com/courses/godpar.htm
americancatholic.org/newsletters/cu/ac0497.asp
society.fatnewt.com/godparents
stahfp.org/Baptism%20Information%20Page.htm

This in no way reflects upon the others as good people. It seems the solution offered was a good one. It is also a bit surprising that she insists on choosing both Godparents without your agreement, particularly since your children are to be Catholic and how they are baptized is part of that.

It might be helpful for you to schedule an appointment (as a couple) with a priest, if she is willing. I would suggest that you not only discuss the Godparent role, but the situation surrounding her grandmother. The Godparent issue may be just the first of many if the resentment felt (rightly or wrongly) from her grandmother’s death is not resolved.
 
Well, coming from the other side of the fence…being the cathlic wife…I totally understand where you are coming from. I, unfortunately, was not practicing my faith when I met and married my husband outside the church. It wasn’t until we had our son that I felt the need to return to the church. This has been a difficult journey for us as well. We had comtemplated divorce because we couldn’t even come to terms with my husbands use of porn and masturbation. Thankfully, we do agree on the contraceptive issue…we simply practice NFP. I decided shortly after my first born that I no longer wanted contraception in our marriage, thankfully my husband was ok with that as well. We are still in therapy and this seems to help a lot. Its a great way to really get it out there and have someone to kind of referee for you. We have been married for nearly 5 years now…still trying to get my hubs to agree to get our marriage blessed in the church, but I guess I can’t force that upon him. Anyway…I just wanted you to know that you are by no means alone in this situation. Its hard and sometimes it feels as though there is no happy end in sight. I turned to the Blessed Mother and the Rosary. I pray a rosary now every morning on my way to work. I never liked to pray the rosary before, but recently, I have found it very consoling and peaceful. Any time you need to vent or get advice…just PM me… good luck!
 
lovin_the_beach said:
We were made to understand by the church secretary that at least one godparent MUST be Catholic

She’s right about that.

and if that is a problem, a third person who is Catholic can be present at the baptism (I suggested one of my siblings).

OK, The Church’s record will have the Catholic and one of the others. The certificate we receive will have all 3 people on it.

Never heard of that, the certificate is supposed to reflect what is written in the register.

Here’s where it gets ugly. My wife is completely offended that our 2 choices are not good enough for the Church and that a Catholic must be present.

The godparent is a sponsor. You typically can’t sponsor someone into an organization of which you either not a member at all or not one in good standing.
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Wow, I can certainly understand why you are so upset.

Because there is an immediate need to have the child baptized, this is what I would do. I would consult with your priest about having the baby baptized in the Lutheran Church because (a) a Lutheran baptism is considered valid by the Church and (b) there isn’t enough time to get your wife to a point where she is comfortable with Catholicism at this point.

Then, over the long term, I would encourage your wife to learn more. The deal with the $3k is obviously some corruption on the part of that priest. Perhaps when your wife is calmer (not hormonal from pregnancy & not exhausted from caring for a newborn), she will be open to discussing that particular situation with your priest. Your priest can assure her that such is not the policy of the Church, and start making in-roads with your wife.

Continue to work for unity and to pray for your wife! Perhaps by the time your next baby is born and/or the kids are ready for school, your wife’s heart will be softened and she’ll allow the children to receive the Catholic instruction that you are obliged to give them.
 
One thing I am finding hard to understand is why your wife is the person choosing both godparents? Wouldn’t it at least be fair and just for you each to choose one of the godparents? It also seems completely blasphemous for a person who has no faith at all to be a GODparent.

I agree with many of the previous posters that this is most likely just the beginning of many issues you will have surrounding your differences in belief. It would seem prudent to find a way you can talk openly and civilly and come to a peaceful resolution and some form of counseling could well be the answer. Having a neutral forum with some professional helper who could steer you through the negotiations that will continue to arise in your marriage “on tap” so to speak might take the stress out somewhat. I mean by finding a counselor you both can accept you can retain that person’s services and have a place to go when you need to resolve issues.

I am Catholic but I do have sympathy for your wife as you were the one who changed your opinions after your marriage. She was obviously taking that risk when she married you, and in a Catholic church! But my heart goes out to both of you. Obviously the issue surrounding the grandmother’s death and it’s fallout in the family has to be examined and resolved. Whatever the circumstances of that situation it really can’t be used as an excuse for people who know the truth of the church to reject it purely based on one experience. I know it happens and maybe your wife meeting a caring and understanding priest would help her put that family history to rest. Maybe your parish priest could come over for coffee at your home rather than you ask your wife to come to the church?

I think you really need to focus on what you can share in your beliefs. You can pray together each day, read scripture, say the Lords’ Prayer and hopefully the rosary.

I am very sad and concerned to hear you talk about “hatred” between your wife and parents. That is not Christian on either side, how has that managed to come about?
 
Thank you all for your prayers! Reading your comments and another thread gave me some ideas. We’ve narrowed it down to 2 choices. One, we baptize the children Lutheran and they go to Lutheran bible school and go to mass with me. I teach them the Catholic faith alongside the Lutheran and if they express interest in becoming Catholic, then so be it.

The second choice is the more palatable one. They get baptized Catholic. One of my family would be the sponsor and the other 2 would be the witnesses. Our agnostic friend would be called a godparent only because he’s a good friend and would have the “honor” of the title but would have to abide by our wishes in not undermining any Christian teachings. The kids would be baptized Catholic but would go to Lutheran bible school (if my wife wishes) and Catholic mass with me. If they express interest in receiving any of the Sacraments, it would be much easier this way. Also, my father just became a deacon and is excited at the prospect of his first baptism being his grandson. Mind you, I am still going to speak with a parish priest about this…the second idea!..not about my dad. 😉

I suppose “hatred” is too strong of a word. I suppose animosity is a better word. And it’s only between us and my dad who has always been one to force things down everyone’s throat. My mom is quite supportive of either idea. She’s always been the one telling my dad to stop forcing people to do things his way. It just pushes them away. Because deacons are supposed to have a peaceful family life and can get in trouble if it’s not, she likes to [playfully] threaten him with a future complaint to the bishop if he doesn’t stop doing that. LOL! I would also like to say that since marrying me, my wife has become more interested in going to the Lutheran services more often. I will also be going to classes to learn more about my own faith. I’ve realized that all my troubles and sufferings (as well as my parents’) stem from my lukewarmness and failure to take my faith seriously. I was the one that chose to marry someone with that much animosity towards the Church while I was somewhat lapsed. You reap what you sow. I will not be doing the same to my kids. So it’s RCIA or whatever for me.

Again, thank you all for your prayers. God bless every one of you!
 
Couple thoughts from the Lutheran wife of a mixed marriage…
  1. You were lukewarm about your faith and then rediscovered it. The same thing happened with my husband, and like me, your wife probably feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her. Keep that in mind while dealing with this situation. In her view you changed she did not.
  2. The desire to have an agnostic as a God parent confuses me, and I am surprised that her Lutheran Church allows that. Mine pastor would never allow someone who was not a member of one of the High Liturgical Churches to be a God Parent. Is your wife ELCA or LMS or WELS? I’m LMS and that might be the difference. Did she discuss this with you at all? If not that is a little odd. My husband and I discussed who our daughter’s Godparents would be before she was born.
  3. Lutheran baptisms are valid in the Catholic Church.
  4. When you get married in the Catholic Church, have your marriage blessed by the Catholic Church, or go through Radical Sanation, The Catholic spouse promises to do make their best effort to raise the Children Catholic. However, as it was explained to us by my husbands priest, if forcing your wife to raise the child Catholic is going to end your marriage and result in a broken and battered family, then make the compromises necessary to not destroy your life and family.
  5. Be happy that your wive is becoming stronger in her faith…better stronger in the Lutheran faith than no faith at all. That is how my pastor approached my husband rediscovering his faith. He basically said Rejoice your husband found his faith again, that’s the important piece.
  6. Don’t try and force your faith on your wife, and DON’T try and split hairs on every little difference…focus instead on the many things these faiths share, because on the spectrum of Christianity…they are pretty darn close. Do daily readings or pray together it really makes a difference.
  7. Talk to your father, one parent that is over controlling regardless of religion can cause a lot of problems in a marriage. Trust me I know because my mom is like that. Explain to him, that your wife is Lutheran and she isn’t converting and this is the framework you have to work within for your marriage, he needs to respect that. It’s a hard conversation to have, I know from personal experience with my mom.
  8. With regard to the Priest and the Bribe thing from her past, frankly I’m shocked…I have never heard of anything like that before. All of the priests at my husbands Parrish have been nothing but pleasant and wonderful to us. I am sure that this was an anomaly. However, it has hurt and colored your wife’s opinion greatly and you should probably talk about this more, maybe even with the priest of your parrish, so that she can see that they are not all like that.
  9. Last but not least…look into some counseling, it has done wonders for my husband and I and helped us to get past our own anger and issues to really listen and hear what this other one was saying.
Sorry for the long post…Hope it helps and God Bless.
 
Alix1912 said:
Couple thoughts from the Lutheran wife of a mixed marriage…
  1. You were lukewarm about your faith and then rediscovered it. The same thing happened with my husband, and like me, your wife probably feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her. Keep that in mind while dealing with this situation. In her view you changed she did not.
  2. The desire to have an agnostic as a God parent confuses me, and I am surprised that her Lutheran Church allows that. Mine pastor would never allow someone who was not a member of one of the High Liturgical Churches to be a God Parent. Is your wife ELCA or LMS or WELS? I’m LMS and that might be the difference. Did she discuss this with you at all? If not that is a little odd. My husband and I discussed who our daughter’s Godparents would be before she was born.
  3. Lutheran baptisms are valid in the Catholic Church.
  4. When you get married in the Catholic Church, have your marriage blessed by the Catholic Church, or go through Radical Sanation, The Catholic spouse promises to do make their best effort to raise the Children Catholic. However, as it was explained to us by my husbands priest, if forcing your wife to raise the child Catholic is going to end your marriage and result in a broken and battered family, then make the compromises necessary to not destroy your life and family.
  5. Be happy that your wive is becoming stronger in her faith…better stronger in the Lutheran faith than no faith at all. That is how my pastor approached my husband rediscovering his faith. He basically said Rejoice your husband found his faith again, that’s the important piece.
  6. Don’t try and force your faith on your wife, and DON’T try and split hairs on every little difference…focus instead on the many things these faiths share, because on the spectrum of Christianity…they are pretty darn close. Do daily readings or pray together it really makes a difference.
  7. Talk to your father, one parent that is over controlling regardless of religion can cause a lot of problems in a marriage. Trust me I know because my mom is like that. Explain to him, that your wife is Lutheran and she isn’t converting and this is the framework you have to work within for your marriage, he needs to respect that. It’s a hard conversation to have, I know from personal experience with my mom.
  8. With regard to the Priest and the Bribe thing from her past, frankly I’m shocked…I have never heard of anything like that before. All of the priests at my husbands Parrish have been nothing but pleasant and wonderful to us. I am sure that this was an anomaly. However, it has hurt and colored your wife’s opinion greatly and you should probably talk about this more, maybe even with the priest of your parrish, so that she can see that they are not all like that.
  9. Last but not least…look into some counseling, it has done wonders for my husband and I and helped us to get past our own anger and issues to really listen and hear what this other one was saying.
Sorry for the long post…Hope it helps and God Bless.
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Make sure you have a a DRE who knows that they are talking about when it comes to Catholic sacraments in a few years as well.
 
Reading your posts I have real empathy for you and your wife’s situation.I got interested in the Catholic faith a few years ago when I was already in a committed relationship and had 2 children.It’s really hard when you suddenly change your views.Such as I no longer was prepared to use birth control.I have found though with compromise and not pushing my beliefs on to him that we have made our relationship work!He isn’t of any particular domination but he attends church with us! As a positive in your situation you both seem to be growing in your faith so share in the similarities and pray together.I hope you come to a compromise in regards to baptizing your son that suits you both and that doesn’t cause tension in your relationship.
 
I can only tell you about life on the other side of the street. My wife and I have been married almost 28 years. We’ve had seven children of our own, five of whom have grown and left the home. For the first 25 years, we were both of the same religion. I am a commited Reformed Christian (Presbyterian Church of America - not the PCUSA you might be more familiar with). My wife left the true faith four years ago and joined the Catholic Church. I state it that way not to offend you, but so that you will know what my faith (and her previous one) believes.

All of our seven natural children were batpized in the PCA. When she converted, she made no demands that they learn about her faith; it would be a non-started, for one thing and she made vows during the baptism to raise them in the faith.

Since that time, however, we have join the Foster Care program. We intended just to be a foster home, but three of the girls have become available for adoption. We completed the first adoption last July and have two more sheduled for this June. the girls are a joy to our family and we all love them dearly.

Last summer, when we completed our first adoption, I eagerly looked forward to baptism day. My wife was present and participated in it, but the pastor only asked me to take the vows and only charged me with the duties associated with raising the child in the faith. Keep in mind, this was the same church that my wife had resigned from stating they were not a true faith.

When we got home, I had to run out for a short while and while I was gone, my wife allowed her anger to overflow and she violently cursed my church, my faith and my pastor in front of all the children and our extnded family. She was angry that she was not addressed during the baptism, though I’m not sure how she thought she would be. We had talked about it beforehand and she knew what was going to happen.

After two days of her not speaking to me, I confronted her about things. She vented hard about my church and said we were mean. I asked her what would have happened if it were the other way around: I had left her church and we had baptized the child in the Catholic Church? She said the priest would have included me. I highly doubt that, but it is irrelevant anyway. The real point was she was feeling the weight of knowing that she could never share her faith with the children. She could not teach the new ones the way she had taught the older ones. Her faith is her private affair, but the children will not be taught both faiths. There are too many ways they are contridictory. My faith, for instance, teaches that “Free Will” is simply greek sophistry and there is no such thing. We teach that God is sovereign and no act of man can go against what God has ordained. So , you can see that teaching both faiths would just be confusing.

I know my wife is saddened by that fact, but she know when she left the church and joined the Catholic church that she was making a choice for herself and not her children. She cannot share the faith she loves and must watch as they are taught things that are diameticly opposed. I know there is pain, but that doesn’t excuse her selfish behavior after our last baptism. Now, with the two other girls adoptions coming up, I’ll face another round of conflict on what should be a wonderful day.

I would not wish a split religion marriage on anyone; the stresses and day-to-day conflicts are just crushing to the soul. For your children’s ake, you must decide which religion they will be taught. It cannot be a power-struggle between parents.
 
Everyone is making this out to be an interfaith marriage issue. But there’s way more to it than that. His wife doesn’t just happen to not be Catholic, she in fact, HATES the Catholic Church becomes of an unfortunate experience. She needs to know that this is wrong what happened, completely and utterly wrong. It is against church teaching. She is still associating that event with $3000 with the Catholic Church. So push her to understand that.

Then explain that if the kids are being baptized in the Catholic Church, what’s the point of breaking the rules of the Church? That’s like choosing to live in a certain country, then refusing to pay taxes. It goes with the territory.
 
ChosenAndCalled said:
I can only tell you about life on the other side of the street. My wife and I have been married almost 28 years. We’ve had seven children of our own, five of whom have grown and left the home. For the first 25 years, we were both of the same religion. I am a commited Reformed Christian (Presbyterian Church of America - not the PCUSA you might be more familiar with). My wife left the true faith four years ago and joined the Catholic Church. I state it that way not to offend you, but so that you will know what my faith (and her previous one) believes.

All of our seven natural children were batpized in the PCA. When she converted, she made no demands that they learn about her faith; it would be a non-started, for one thing and she made vows during the baptism to raise them in the faith.

Since that time, however, we have join the Foster Care program. We intended just to be a foster home, but three of the girls have become available for adoption. We completed the first adoption last July and have two more sheduled for this June. the girls are a joy to our family and we all love them dearly.

Last summer, when we completed our first adoption, I eagerly looked forward to baptism day. My wife was present and participated in it, but the pastor only asked me to take the vows and only charged me with the duties associated with raising the child in the faith. Keep in mind, this was the same church that my wife had resigned from stating they were not a true faith.

When we got home, I had to run out for a short while and while I was gone, my wife allowed her anger to overflow and she violently cursed my church, my faith and my pastor in front of all the children and our extnded family. She was angry that she was not addressed during the baptism, though I’m not sure how she thought she would be. We had talked about it beforehand and she knew what was going to happen.

After two days of her not speaking to me, I confronted her about things. She vented hard about my church and said we were mean. I asked her what would have happened if it were the other way around: I had left her church and we had baptized the child in the Catholic Church? She said the priest would have included me. I highly doubt that, but it is irrelevant anyway. The real point was she was feeling the weight of knowing that she could never share her faith with the children. She could not teach the new ones the way she had taught the older ones. Her faith is her private affair, but the children will not be taught both faiths. There are too many ways they are contridictory. My faith, for instance, teaches that “Free Will” is simply greek sophistry and there is no such thing. We teach that God is sovereign and no act of man can go against what God has ordained. So , you can see that teaching both faiths would just be confusing.

I know my wife is saddened by that fact, but she know when she left the church and joined the Catholic church that she was making a choice for herself and not her children. She cannot share the faith she loves and must watch as they are taught things that are diameticly opposed. I know there is pain, but that doesn’t excuse her selfish behavior after our last baptism. Now, with the two other girls adoptions coming up, I’ll face another round of conflict on what should be a wonderful day.

I would not wish a split religion marriage on anyone; the stresses and day-to-day conflicts are just crushing to the soul. For your children’s ake, you must decide which religion they will be taught. It cannot be a power-struggle between parents.
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So the Presbyterian Church of America, not to be confused with the PCUSA, which is one of 33,000 denominations considers itself the true church? Do you realize how absurd that sounds?
 
Dear lovin_the_beach,

“It seems that my death would be the only thing that would make everybody happy!”

I hope that your despair has not truly reached this level. You threw this out there somewhat off the cuff, but please don’t think this way. To the contrary, you are your child’s best hope for growing as close to God as possible and you must not just stay alive, but actively participate in your child’s faith formation.

The fact that your wife sees nothing wrong or unusual with having an agnostic as a Godparent shows that she can’t be that serious even about her Lutheran faith. You shouldn’t have to use contraception against your will. I will pray for you and your wife. Have you ever listened to “Catholic Answers Live”? You can get it free on itunes or download it from this site. It was one of the only things that kept me sane and close to the Church when I was struggling with some similiar issues.
 
SonCatcher said:
Your wife is another issue, however. She and her family have a lot of anger over the issue of her grandmother. I have never heard of a licit reason to withhold the sacrament of Extreme Unction (“Last Rites”) but often Reconciliation and Viaticum (Eucharist for the dying) are given at the same time. Perhaps the priest had an issue pertaining to one of those? Perhaps the perceived shakedown was to cover administrative fees to determine the state of her marriage. (If either of the couple had been married before, the previous marriage(s) would have to be annulled or previous spouses deceased. The fees may have been to cover the investigation. However, the dying cannot wait for that.) I will pray for her family’s healing. Please note that Extreme Unction is not required for salvation.
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This part struck me too. We have a similar family legend as to why our family left the Catholic Church a few generations back (and our family is the first one to come back). It all had to do with a patriarch who died at sea and the Church supposedly told the widow that his soul could only be saved if she gave half of his pension to the Church for the rest of her life. So she became Anglican instead. I wonder what is the truth behind these types of stories?
 
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