Protestant Wife

[Tis_Bearself]

He asked for assurance for his Catholic faith; you are not just sharing your experience, you’re giving him the exact opposite of what he requested. That is in fact disrespectful and inappropriate on a Catholic board.

And in addition, you’re derailing his thread. If you really wanted to “share your thoughts” you know full well you could start your own apologetics thread.

 

[ZemD]

Another being my wife tends to base her expectations on her mother and father’s marriage. Her father is the embodiment of “happy wife, happy life,” and after years of this spoilage, there is hardly a vertebra left in that man. Acquiescence is therefore often expected when my wife and I disagree, and that isn’t my modus operandi. I suppose you could think of it as two chiefs. So generally benign issues become hills upon which she will plant her flag and die on

I think this might be as big of a problem, if not bigger than getting your wife to accept your Catholic faith or consider the Catholic faith for herself.

I myself was this way with my husband for many years and it caused a lot of discord in our relationship and then marriage.

Back then I would not entertain my husbands ideas or beliefs if they contradicted with my own, and would take personal offense as well. I was immature and prideful and I cringe when I think of my past behavior.

I wish I could tell you how to help you change your wife’s perspective. I will ask my husband tonight how he finally got me to realize how entitled I was. It is impossible to get along with someone when she expects you to always fold, even if she is wrong. Unless you resign yourself to being demoralized, which as you said is no way to go through life.

I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. And I hope you find the site to be a good catholic community for you. I certainly do and appreciate all I’ve learned and the many intelligent and interesting posters here.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If your wife married you despite realizing you were not just like her father, then obviously she wanted a guy who was not just like her father.

 

[msaluta]

I agree that it is a major issue.

It can and has prevented us from resolving issues in the past, since we’re unable to actually communicate. Couple this with a refusal to go to any type of counseling, and well…there we are

I’m scheduled to talk to the pastor at our church today at 2:00 PM EST (over Zoom).

I intend only on speaking with him about my story, how I arrived where I am, likely step down as the leader of my men’s group, and really just have a conversation with another human being who loves Christ. I’m about apologetics-ed out at this point.

Thank you so much for your story and your prayers.

 

[OddBird]

my wife could tell something was off in my spirit, which led to our initial conversation, which led to everything else.

After a few disastrous first months where my husband threatened to leave, I’ve disciplined myself to never discuss contentious theological points with him – or even my spiritual life for that matter. It’s just too much, too soon for him.

If he can tell I’m preoccupied with something and asks about it, I’ll say, “yes, there’s something on my mind, but I don’t feel ready to discuss it just yet”.

It is really hard for me because we had until then a pretty transparent relationship and told each other mostly everything. Now, if there’s something faith-related I need to vent about, I call a friend. If I absolutely need to discuss my spiritual life, I ask my SD if he’s free for a coffee and a chat.

I complained to a friend about not sharing everything with him anymore, and he answered : “Well, here’s your chance to build an adult, mature relationship – one where you’re not functioning as a closed entity, where each of you has their secret garden, and where you stop confusing your husband with your therapist.” I found that pretty hard to take in, but I think he’s right.

But then I’m not sure how all this may, or may not, ring a bell in the context of the dynamics of your own marriage.

 

[EmilyAlexandra]

As someone who is reverting

Just to clarify please: when people talk about “reverting” to Catholicism, does that mean that you were a Catholic, then became a Protestant, and now you are becoming a Catholic again? Or is it like the Muslim usage of the term? Muslims talk about “reverting” to Islam rather than “converting” because they believe that everyone is born a Muslim even though most of us lose our way pretty soon.

 

[TC3033]

(especially 2020 years later, since modern American Protestantism is more akin to a Tony Robbins seminar than actual worship).

Disagree, and highly uncharitable. I hope you actually don’t say stuff like this to your wife (and vice/versa)

be respectful of Catholic beliefs, and you be respectful of her beliefs.

^^^ This is the cornerstone of “mixed” marriages. If this can’t happen, they’re going to stuggle.

I’m not Catholic and married into a Catholic family nearly 20 years ago. We would absolutely struggle if our marriage and family life were full of these “quips”. It’s one reason we stopped attending Mass in town. The priest loved 'em.

 

[Elf01]

Just to clarify please: when people talk about “reverting” to Catholicism, does that mean that you were a Catholic, then became a Protestant, and now you are becoming a Catholic again?

Yes. While you will hear people say born Catholic, you become Catholic when you are baptized, or received into the Church.

 

[OddBird]

when people talk about “reverting” to Catholicism, does that mean that you were a Catholic, then became a Protestant, and now you are becoming a Catholic again? Or is it like the Muslim usage of the term? Muslims talk about “reverting” to Islam rather than “converting” because they believe that everyone is born a Muslim even though most of us lose our way pretty soon.

The former.

Although I’ve veered quite a way from home, canonically I’ve never ceased to be a Catholic since the day I was baptized by a Catholic priest.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Prayers. My best advice is to continue as her husband and best friend.

Ask your pastor to recommend someone (or if he will) who your wife can go to with questions about theology. I’d also begin with something like “Why We’re Catholic” by Trent Horn, “Theology for Beginners” and the video on Prime called “Common Ground” before stepping into heavy apologetics books.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

I’m reaching out for a few things. In COVID world, I have no community. In going back to the Catholic Church, I’ve lost any and all Protestant friends.

… they weren’t true friends if they are shunning you due to you returning to your Catholic faith. True friendships can be any faith mixtures.

 

[Vico]

We have one 5 month old son, who she has declared will not be raised Catholic.

If you get a convalidation or radical sanation, then it would require satisfaction of canon law:

Can. 1124 Without express permission of the competent authority, a marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons of whom one is baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it after baptism and the other of whom is enrolled in a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the Catholic Church.

Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:
1° the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
2° the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
3° both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.

Can. 1126 It is for the conference of bishops to establish the method in which these declarations and promises, which are always required, must be made and to define the manner in which they are to be established in the external forum and the non-Catholic party informed about them.

 

[msaluta]

The way I understand it, a person who was Catholic, ceased, and returns is classified as a revert.

 

[msaluta]

Disagree, and highly uncharitable. I hope you actually don’t say stuff like this to your wife (and vice/versa)

My wife and I happen to agree on that point. The gospel you win people with, is the gospel you win them to. The church we currently attend preaches God’s Word at a depth akin to spiritual meat, sans smoke machines, lights, lasers etc. Perhaps I was being uncharitable in the way it was described, but there is no mistaking that much of Protestant’s answer to dwindling attendance rates and the desire to be “seeker friendly,” that they’ve given more emphasis to the experience than the teaching. This was my point, and yes I admit it was quippy.

Regarding the mixed nature of our marriage, I fully respect her beliefs, and can only hope that she continues to pursue a relationship with God, regardless of anything else.

 

[msaluta]

Disrespecting your wife’s father is not a road to making your own marriage work, you are not privy to the more private moments of that marriage after all.

My description is in fact hyperbole but also quite accurate, and my wife has lamented seeing her father cower at his wife’s dominance. I would never say that to him in so many words, as I understand that is the cross he’s chosen to bear, the way he’s chosen to bear it. He also knows it, and sadly believes it is “too late to change anything.” It is very disheartening to witness, and I’ve had men share with me the same behavior exhibited in relationships throughout the men’s groups I’ve been in. An interesting aside is that, according to my pastor who travels 6-8 months of the year, this problem mostly occurs in relatively affluent cultures/societies.

My point being, our upbringing has an impact on us. The model she saw, it would seem, is the model she is expecting, which is why I thought it was relevant. I suppose I could just give the problem statements without any clarification or background, it just didn’t occur to me to do so.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

The way I understand it, a person who was Catholic, ceased, and returns is classified as a revert.

But that’s just a casual term, not a formal designation. You’re just a Catholic who is resuming active practice.

 

[msaluta]

That might be many years down the road unfortunately.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

I’ve had men share with me the same behavior exhibited in relationships throughout the men’s groups I’ve been in

I’ve seen this dynamic play out as well. Some women essentially emotionally blackmail their husbands by having meltdowns over minor disagreements. After a few of those, the man just thinks “whatever, it’s easier just to agree and keep her happy.” and essentially becomes a drone just saying “yes, dear.” on repeat.

(Before anyone thinks I’m going all redpoll misogynist, i emphasize that this is a dynamic in some marriages and behavior exhibited by some women. It’s obviously not universal.)

 

[Vico]

That might be many years down the road unfortunately.

Radical sanation is a possibility and does not require the involvement of both. It could be soon if there is no issue of previous marriage for either of you.

 

[al2o3]

Our conversation devolved into debate, which devolved into an emotional exchange, lacking respect, love etc.

Im in a slightly similar situation re: mixed marriage and have been for many many years. This is a tough road and will keep you in prayer.

During my time I am learning many things:

• Thank God every day that you are two people passionately focused on Christ. She is as committed to Him as you are. If you both focus on Christ (in your own way), He will not abandon either of you.
• In my case, I do not apologise for being Catholic but also try to be a loving spouse encouraging them in their journey of faith. I even offer to accompany them to their church to praise God together (but I wont participate in their communion). God leads the faithful to the truth - in His time, not ours.
• I decided many years ago, matters of faith are not up for debate and discussion between us. This is because the exchange is mostly unproductive. Neither one has to convert the other. If there is conversion, it will be the grace of God. We constantly have to aspire to be the face of Christ to our spouse. I have Iistened patiently to criticism of my faith and practice. (In the past I have been called pagan, deceitful, idol worshipper, the twister of truth, satan himself - it is heart breaking - but I listen very quietly and pray silently as the moment passes.)
• I Pray, pray and pray again. I am reminded of the scripture passage where Christ says - when you pray, go to your room close the door and pray to the Father. He will hear you. Then I watch in awe as He is slowly resolving this for both of us. We are no where near fully resolved - but I can see the hand of God in this area of our lives
• Finally, remember - she and you are “one flesh” in marriage. Pray to God that every grace you receive is shared with her through your marriage.

This is a tough road for you as you are brought through the complexity of reconciling/reverting to your faith. But stay faithful and patient, because the fullness of truth is found in the one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.

Hope this helps and God less