Prudence and guidance

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I believe there are times when we are called to action and other times we are called to live and let live. I am in a situation where, I really feel enough is enough and I should politely speak up. However, I also know I am dealing with people who have a very different mentality than me. At best I could have them respect my boundary. I know they have a different opinion than me and won’t change.

I basically want to do what God wants me to do. And I pray for direction and I really have no idea what he wants me to do. I don’t hear his voice at all. Also, part of me suspects, the person I fell I might need to talk to takes things really personally. For example, if there is a department lunch at a restaurant and I can’t stand their food, I don’t go. If everyone else in the department likes the restaurant, I am more than happy to let them enjoy their meal and stay back. However, I suspect this person does not believe I don’t like the restaurant food. I suspect they take it personally. So my concern is if I explain where I am coming from, they just won’t believe me
 
Well there’s a balance here. Sometimes it helps to just go for the social aspect of it. I know you’ve said you don’t like the restaurants in question, but there is almost certainly something on the menu you could handle.

I think you are going to appear defensive yourself in this situation. Honestly I’d go more often, maybe just get a drink and have something on hand that you can eat at your desk if possible. If this person’s relationship is important enough to you then giving in a bit will backup your assertions about not liking the food. Either way it’s not something to have a battle over, especially not at work.
 
As my wife would say, you might be drowning in a glass of water. Go to the restaurant and, if nothing else, have something to drink - after all, it is human companionship that is occurring, not a gastronomical festival.
 
I was using the restarant as an example. There are a lot of details that I really didn’t feel like getting into. However, I am starting to resent that when this woman has emotioanl problems she cries on my ear and tells me she is grateful she can confide in me because no one else in the office knows. But when people start making sexual jokes that I find offensive and tell her about it, she laughs because she thinks I am a prude. I don’t really expect practical advice because I realize people don’t know the situation.

I posted because I was looking for adivce on how to hear God’s voice and have HIM guide my actions
 
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Patiently bearing injustice is a spiritual work of mercy. If this person is intrusive, then simply set limits. If not, and you can be of benefit to her, why not? Let others talk - they talk anyway. God judges your heart and theirs.
 
po18guy said:
Patiently bearing injustice is a spiritual work of mercy. If this person is intrusive, then simply set limits. If not, and you can be of benefit to her, why not? Let others talk - they talk anyway. God judges your heart and theirs.
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this response I like. Can you please elaborate
 
If you are placed in a position where unjust things are occurring to you, beaing them with patience reflects well on your sdoul. However, the virtue of prudence also enters in, inasmuch as you should not simply allow others to walk on you.

As to gossip, detraction, snide comments, outright lies etc.etc., that may very well be a sign from the Lord that these peiople badly need prayer. Regarding the woman who finds solace in your words or company, it can be an area where caution is advised, as those with emotional issues can become attached to others in a less than healthy way.

If you are male, then contact with this other person calls for a public place, so that the wagging tongues are stilled.
 
You might want to consider why you are really going to a “department lunch”. It’s primarily for fellowship with others in your department. It’s not to eat food you especially love.

I can see skipping it if you have some serious medical problem related to the restaurant, for example you’re allergic to peanuts and the restaurant has a peanut theme with cracked shells all over the floor and people eating peanuts at every table. Or if you have a department lunch every month and you’ve been to a number of them but begged off this one time because you really don’t like the food. But if you skip almost every department lunch with some excuse, be prepared to get a fish eye from people who don’t see why you can’t go, find something you like on the menu, be sociable for 45 minutes and if need be leave early with some excuse.
 
cmscms said:
However, I am starting to resent that when this woman has emotioanl problems she cries on my ear and tells me she is grateful she can confide in me because no one else in the office knows.
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This is inappropriate behavior from a coworker to another, unless they have some relationship outside work. You should really start being less available, as it’s risky to become a colleague’s personal life confidante unless as I said you have a friendship or relationship outside work.
 
I’ve been known as a picky eater. Famous for “special ordering” everything. I have never found any restaurant where I cannot find even one thing to eat on the menu, because eating together is a way that humans bond, find something. Eat bread or ask them to cook you a plain piece of chicken or something.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
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cmscms:
However, I am starting to resent that when this woman has emotioanl problems she cries on my ear and tells me she is grateful she can confide in me because no one else in the office knows.
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This is inappropriate behavior from a coworker to another, unless they have some relationship outside work. You should really start being less available, as it’s risky to become a colleague’s personal life confidante unless as I said you have a friendship or relationship outside work.
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I see the wisdom in what you are saying. She tells me alot. I only tell her a bit. Have there been times where I told too much, yes, but they are few.

The issue is…she is the type of person who will in the cafeteria when the director is within earshot tell stories about how when she was 2 her aunt walked into the house and her parents were drunk and that is when the aunt called children’s aid and that is how she ended up in foster care. So when she tells me I am the only one who knows certain things, half the time I didn’t realize she never told other people these things. Another reason I have no idea what she tells others is because I don’t repeat what others say. There have been times where others have had to miss work because of family crises. She will tell me about how they are doing and I will say ‘I don’t think I should be listening to other people’s problems’ and she will say ‘this isn’t gossip I am praising Sally for how well she is doing’ and I will reply, ‘nonethless, I would rather not listen’. That boundary she has respected

When she goes over board about her stuff, I say nothing because frankly, I don’t know what I could say that wouldn’t offend her. So I guess the issue is, I allowed myself to become her listening ear and now I don’t know how to get out of it
 
We are both women so that is not an issue.

In the past, I have been the victim of having individuals with emotional issues become to attached to me and have suffered for it. That is one reason, I made it clear to her I could not be friends outside of work. I told her it was a rule of mine I keep work and social separate so she doesn’t realize it is about her. I thought that was more diplomatic.

So the question I have is how to I distance myself gently without causing a scene. The other thing is, this isn’t all bad. We do have discussions about things on the news, recipes, what is on sale at which stores that is healthy and enjoable conversations
 
Prayer, prayer, prayer. Before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament if possible. Ask for the graces, ask for the virtue of prudence to deal with this situation. It is quite possible that you are the only person that she can talk to. Consider her plight and the comfort and reassurance you must be to her. It sounds to me as if she is ultimately more likable or even tolerable than many others in the office.
 
If the person is habitually overstepping boundaries, have you considered making only polite, pleasant but neutral brief comments, asking no questions, offering no information, unless the person has a real issue that requires genuine assistance? Do you need to ascertain if this person really has genuine need, or is using you self-indulgently. In a purely working situation, mutual respect is important.

My husband often says, “don’t offer excuses or explanations if the other person tends override your fair decisions and choices. Just state your intention. Otherwise they’ll have objections and reasons to continue to override your legitimate wishes, and decisions”. Sometimes the pressure can amount to emotional blackmail.

Regarding food choices … I’m coeliac, thus don’t have a choice not to be selective regarding food. The alternate is days of sickness and discomfort.
On the rare occasion we eat out with anyone at a restaurant, I check online for menus, or phone, to ascertain whether there is anything safe or adaptable at the venue. I can usually figure something, even if its less appealing than others’ possible choices. Sometimes it isn’t about oneself, but about the company. The last thing any of us wants is to inconvenience the others by the fuss that occurs if one hasn’t previously worked out some option if we have food allergies or dietary issues.
 
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