I’m Bipolar, but I’m considered a “high-functioning” Bipolar, which means, when I take my pills, I’m essentially normal. I still have some obsessive issues, but it’s minor stuff. Some trace anxiety, again minor.
I do so well, in fact, that when I’ve told people I’m Bipolar, they don’t believe it. One person told me said to me, “That can’t possibly be. You’re the most emotionally-stable person I’ve ever met!” I consider this a huge compliment because I’ve worked SO HARD to achieve this. I mean, I had to work HARD just to get to being normal. (I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and counseling).
But when I’m off the pills, when the real person surfaces, I’m a nutcase. Paranoid. I hallucinate. See things. Hear voices. I have black-outs. OCD symptoms. ADD symptoms. I look like a Meth addict. And boy, can I be a b**ch! I mean, I can be the meanest person you’ve ever met. Or when Manic, I can be quite a fun party animal. Just depends on my mood.
Over the years, I’ve asked myself unanswerable questions like:
Who is the real me? (Being Bipolar is like being two separate people at the same time).
If I sin mortally during a black-out, am I culpable if I don’t remember it? Or is the part of me that’s mentally ill culpable?
During Judgment, will I be judged as one single person or two?
Am I as culpable for sexual sins as others given that the DSM-IV Manual defines “hyper-sexuality” as one of the criterion for diagnosis? Etc…
What about scrupulosity vs OCD? etc …
How do I differentiate despair from depression?
How do I know the difference between voices from the Bipolar disorder versus the Evil One?
etc…
One priest told me that I can’t sin. I think that’s bull. I assure you, I can. If I’m on the pills and I’m in good control and I do something bad when I’m in the “green zone” then I can sin mortally just like everyone else.
If I am off my pills, in the “red zone” who knows. I really am not sure if I can sin mortally in such a state because I’m such a crazy whack-job. I no longer flagellate myself over the stuff I’ve done in such a state. There’s no point in it.
When I’m in the “yellow zone” the area where I’m taking the pills but they’re not working as well for some reason, or if my physician is experimenting with my brain chemistry by giving me a new drug, I’d also say I probably can’t sin mortally. Probably. Not definite though.
One bit of confessional advice that stick out more than others is this: I
MAY NOT BE CULPABLE FOR CERTAIN SINS OTHERS WOULD BE CULPABLE FOR, BUT
I WILL BE HELD CULPABLE FOR NOT TAKING MY PILLS!!! It is a mortal sin to not take my pills.
The reason is that I KNOW that by not taking my pills, I’m am possibly placing myself and others at harm. And there’s no excuse for not taking them. There’s really very few side-effects from Lithium because I take such a low dose. I occasionally take Alprazolam, but only a couple times a month for acute anxiety.