S
saturn_jupiter
Guest
My life certainly didn’t go as planned. I really wanted my life to be worth something and instead, I wound up dealing with a LOT of abusive people for quite some time. In the beginning, that church group (not Catholic) used to perform exorcisms on me. I’ve had PTSD for 20 years now, and a part of me is beginning to think I may not be able to beat it. I’ve been seeing doctors now since '94. I’ve really worked my way out of a lot of other issues. There’s just that one part of me that is missing, the one that is stuck, back there where I “gave up” so they would ‘leave me alone’ - which didn’t really happen. Docs call that “identifying w/the aggressor”; it’s a survival technique of sorts for folks bein tortured. And that was the last I ever saw of my abilities.
I can draw. It’s one of my secrets. I was really good at it. I planned on centering my life around that, looking for work at what I did best. Except… I can’t access it. It’s like having a limb missing. The ability is there, I just become very ill if I become happy about art, or do any work. I have good days, where I can get a sketch done, and I have bad days, where the mere desire to want to create a painting can send me into a guilt-ridden PTSD fit.
There’s a part of the bible that mentions “burying your talents”. I think about this a great deal every day, because I am not able to access an ability I believe I was given to survive on this planet.
I never wanted to give up on my attempt to get my art abilities back in use. I didn’t want to completely let my abusers have that part of me forever. It’s just… after so long… I honestly have begun to wonder if I will ever get it back, and why God gave me something so fantastic in the first place that I would never be able to access? I feel frustrated, sad, and angry on a regular basis. I’d give anything to be able to do art and be creative again. It’s just… “gone”. I can still pick up a pencil and reproduce anything I see. My life seems like a large, large waste.
I have learned that my life has value, however, being frustrated every single day about something I have almost no control over is no way to keep living. Some part of me really would like some closure. Which way to go? I know there’s a possibility that if I don’t give up, some day I may be able to actually free-up my God-given talents. I may be 60 years old, but there may be a day where I can do it. At the same time, I keep thinking I should maybe just grieve this loss. ~ That seems a very rational, logical thing to do. Especially since it’s been so long, and I have not been successful in my attempts to make myself “better”. Yes, I have prayed about it a great deal. God is silent on this issue. And God, Jesus, Mary - everyone knows I’d do anything to get my abilities back. Just anything. I’ve worked as hard as I can.
What should I do?
I can draw. It’s one of my secrets. I was really good at it. I planned on centering my life around that, looking for work at what I did best. Except… I can’t access it. It’s like having a limb missing. The ability is there, I just become very ill if I become happy about art, or do any work. I have good days, where I can get a sketch done, and I have bad days, where the mere desire to want to create a painting can send me into a guilt-ridden PTSD fit.
There’s a part of the bible that mentions “burying your talents”. I think about this a great deal every day, because I am not able to access an ability I believe I was given to survive on this planet.
I never wanted to give up on my attempt to get my art abilities back in use. I didn’t want to completely let my abusers have that part of me forever. It’s just… after so long… I honestly have begun to wonder if I will ever get it back, and why God gave me something so fantastic in the first place that I would never be able to access? I feel frustrated, sad, and angry on a regular basis. I’d give anything to be able to do art and be creative again. It’s just… “gone”. I can still pick up a pencil and reproduce anything I see. My life seems like a large, large waste.
I have learned that my life has value, however, being frustrated every single day about something I have almost no control over is no way to keep living. Some part of me really would like some closure. Which way to go? I know there’s a possibility that if I don’t give up, some day I may be able to actually free-up my God-given talents. I may be 60 years old, but there may be a day where I can do it. At the same time, I keep thinking I should maybe just grieve this loss. ~ That seems a very rational, logical thing to do. Especially since it’s been so long, and I have not been successful in my attempts to make myself “better”. Yes, I have prayed about it a great deal. God is silent on this issue. And God, Jesus, Mary - everyone knows I’d do anything to get my abilities back. Just anything. I’ve worked as hard as I can.
What should I do?
. Please be assured of my prayers for your healing, and for you to find your artistic voice again.