Public school and the church

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janet1025

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Hi
I send my children to public school but they attend a weekly religion class at the church at participate in Mass. I along with other parents feel as if we are treated differently and our children are treated differently then the families who attend the catholic school. I’m not comfortable speaking to the priest about this because his agenda is to increase the school enrollment and that is not something I am interested in at this point. I just started back at the church this year and I’m concerned that my children are receiving the message that some are better then others - a message I do not want them to associate with Jesus.
have others encountered this ? Any advise on how to deal with it. My previous parish did not have a school so it wasn’t an issue
 
May I ask exactly how the priest treats them differently?

I have not experienced this in our church. But I honestly don’t know what the priest could do that would be different.

Is there also a possibility that he sees the kids in the Catholic school more so he knows them by name?

While a priest may wish the population of the school to be as large as possible, he shouldn’t be dismissive to those who chose a different path.
 
After Mass when saying good-byes he will excuse himself if one of the parents from the school jumps the line , which is every week. He will then proceed to thank them for coming and ask about their week. Leaving the other family standing there. When he ask children to participate in readings and bringing up the gifts it is always children from his school. As for knowing the names is always addresses the children by there first names so he is well aware of the names and several are alter servers. He makes it a point to address school activities in ever Mass. We do not have a CYO in the church for children who attend the public school - all activities are exclusive for the religious school children. At first I thought it was just my perception but other parents have also said the school families are the “chosen” ones
 
Wait…your youth groups exclude public school children? Please tell me I read that wrong.
 
Set up a meeting, talk to the CYO Director, and definitely talk to the priest. I have learned as I’ve moved around due to the military, sometimes it was necessary to make the appointment and sit down and talk to the priest and get his view on things. Some priests were enthusiastic about this meeting, others not so much. One church in Oklahoma was a little stand-off-ish but after I talked to the priest, I was invited to help with CCD, the kids play, fund raisers, all kinds of opportunities, my kids were welcomed and we became part of the Church Family–we had a great experience there. The deacon and I got along extremely well. I called back a few years ago to see how he was doing, and head he had passed. Make the call.
 
It sounds like the priest is just more familiar with the school families. If he is active at the school, he probably sees these kids every day and likely sees many of the parents more often too since parent volunteers are usually a big part of making a school run smoothly.

Also, have you ever explained to the priest why you are sending your kids to the public school instead of supporting the parish school? In some locations, the expectation are high that all families who can will send their kids to the parish school. If he understood the reasons, he might be more welcoming.
 
Years, and years ago, when I was in parochial school there was a definate bias AGAINST public school kids in CCD. And I notice this sort of thing in Church today with different groups- at a trad parish I know of the priests HIDE on Sunday ( I mean hide, except for the altar/confessions) they are not around at all- except for the hallway next to altar, they mingle with the “select.” Weird, but true. And during the weekly Mass, the pastor comes out and speaks to a select few, while walking past any trying to catch his eye. Cynically I think these are the big donors.

BUT at another parish (trad also btw) the priests make it a point to speak to everyone, including the homeless guys. I think it’s just human nature, and this parish manages to circumvent “human nature” and be HOLY.
 
JacarandaPurple said:
Wait…your youth groups exclude public school children? Please tell me I read that wrong.
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I think it would depend on what these youth programs were. If they are parish programs that are only open to the Catholic school students, that is clearly wrong. But there is nothing wrong with the school having youth events for its students that are not open to others.
 
She didn’t say “the school.” She said “the church” which I took to mean the parish.

And why should they have to explain their choice to use public schools? They aren’t doing anything wrong. My family couldn’t afford tuition…bet theirs can’t either.
 
JacarandaPurple said:
She didn’t say “the school.” She said “the church” which I took to mean the parish.

And why should they have to explain their choice to use public schools? They aren’t doing anything wrong. My family couldn’t afford tuition…bet theirs can’t either.
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I assume you are referring to me. :confused:

She did not state one way or the other if the youth activities were parish activities or school activities. She only said there was not CYO in the parish.

As for your second point, you obviously didn’t read my whole post. Just a few decades ago, it was requred that Catholic parents send their children to a Catholic school if one was available. In some communities, there is still a strong expectation that families will support the parish school. ** If **she is in one of those parishes and wants to be more included, it would be to her advantage to have such a conversation with the priest. If that’s not the culture, or if she doesn’t want to offer an explanation, she certainly doesn’t have to explain. I only suggested it as a way to open a dialogue with the priest.

Do you really think that this priest is going to just read her mind and change his attitude ttoward her family? Why would he? He isn’t doing anything wrong as far as we know.
 
i DO send my kids to a parish school and I sort of have to agree with the OP. public schools kids ARE treated a little differently than the parish schools kids.

honestly, in our school/parish, i really think it’s because our kids (the ones in the catholic school) do EVERYTHING together. they are in school together, ride the parish bus together, do all their sports, extracirriculars, etc together. our sports and extracirriculars aren’t open to the public school kids and vice versa.

as much as it shouldn’t be an issue, the truth is that they don’t know the public school kids at all. they simply see them in their school during ccd class. our kids in the school don’t attend ccd since they have it as part of their cirriculum. so the public school kids come after school once a week and use our classrooms. but even so, the parish school kids do make their sacraments with them, serve at mass with them, and see them at church functions. they don’t seem to mingle at all. i think that the priest TRIES to include all of them, but the simple truth is that he is in the school every day, and knows those kids better. he reads with them, eats lunch with them, etc.

i’m not trying to say my kids are better, more involved, included or anything like that.
 
janet1025 said:
We do not have a CYO in the church for children who attend the public school - all activities are exclusive for the religious school children.
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This could mean either that there is no CYO at all, or that there is one but public school kids are excluded. I am asking for clarification.

As to Catholic schools, what may have been in the past is not now. Maybe if they had done better at their mission, they wouldn’t be dying out. My mother had 12 years of Catholic education in the 50s and 60s. She doesn’t know the basic teachings and truths of the Faith and has now abandoned it, but she sure remembers the nun who got away with physically abusing her and other kids, and the favoritism toward the rich kids. I remember that same favoritism from my own Catholic high school. :cool:
 
twk001 said:
i DO send my kids to a parish school and I sort of have to agree with the OP. public schools kids ARE treated a little differently than the parish schools kids.

honestly, in our school/parish, i really think it’s because our kids (the ones in the catholic school) do EVERYTHING together. they are in school together, ride the parish bus together, do all their sports, extracirriculars, etc together. our sports and extracirriculars aren’t open to the public school kids and vice versa.

as much as it shouldn’t be an issue, the truth is that they don’t know the public school kids at all. they simply see them in their school during ccd class. our kids in the school don’t attend ccd since they have it as part of their cirriculum. so the public school kids come after school once a week and use our classrooms. but even so, the parish school kids do make their sacraments with them, serve at mass with them, and see them at church functions. they don’t seem to mingle at all. i think that the priest TRIES to include all of them, but the simple truth is that he is in the school every day, and knows those kids better. he reads with them, eats lunch with them, etc.

i’m not trying to say my kids are better, more involved, included or anything like that.
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I actually have the reverse in my parish. 🙂 We don’t have a parish school but I send my kids to a nearby school. My kids are among the minority that attend Catholic school. The rest of the kids all know each other from the public school and do lots of things together that my kids aren’t involved in. The youth program is run off the CCE budget so my kids aren’t included in those activities either. But I don’t have a problem with that.

I suspect that the youth activities in the OP’s parish are run out of the school’s budget and/or by the school’s administration so they are logically run for the school children.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with treating different population groups *differently *as long as every one is treated with kindness and respect.
 
Just to clarify - it is a very small town so most of the children know one another and have many activities outside of the church together. The CYO is part of the school which is why the children are excluded BUT once a month a separate collection is held during Mass to support these and other school events. As for explaining to the priest why I choose to send my children to public schools - I don’t think I or anyone else should ever have to explain that choice.

I guess things have just changed since I was a child - our local priest always walked around and spent time with the community. Grant it we didn’t have a school with our parish but even if we did I don’t think my childhood priest would have acted this way. I just feel as if the priest should go out of his way to be more inclusive. To say he knows the Catholic school families better is a poor excuse - we are there at his church a few times a week. I think it falls on him to make it a point to welcome us and get to know us. We are there so we are making the effort. I want my children to feel comfortable reaching out to him if they ever feel the need for guidance
 
janet1025 said:
I guess things have just changed since I was a child - our local priest always walked around and spent time with the community. Grant it we didn’t have a school with our parish but even if we did I don’t think my childhood priest would have acted this way. I just feel as if the priest should go out of his way to be more inclusive. To say he knows the Catholic school families better is a poor excuse - we are there at his church a few times a week. I think it falls on him to make it a point to welcome us and get to know us. We are there so we are making the effort. I want my children to feel comfortable reaching out to him if they ever feel the need for guidance
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I’m really sorry you feel this way. But don’t blame the entire organization for what may be the inadequacy of one individual. Priests are still people - and as such - are as flawed as the rest of us.

From what others have written, it doesn’t seem to be normal in all or even most parishes that there would be some bias. That is not to say that it doesn’t exist.

I would give your priest the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he doesn’t realize that part of his community is feeling slighted. I think that he deserves at least the chance to understand how you and others feel. If he doesn’t change, than you can make a decision on what course of action you might take.

But if i were making someone feel unwelcome, i would hope that I would get an opportunity to remedy the situation.

I realize in a small town your options are limited. I wish you well.
 
I have to say that my parish has a school that my daughter did not go to and the Priest knows her very well. She is active in her youth group and inside the church and everyone treats her great! I also believe that our prist goes out of his way to get to know all the children and teens at church. It definately brings a sense of community to our parish:)
 
Thank you Shainski - Any advise on how I could bring the subject up. I don’t want o be accusing or confrontational. I’ve never really had a one on one conversation before except in confession
 
janet1025 said:
Thank you Shainski - Any advise on how I could bring the subject up. I don’t want o be accusing or confrontational. I’ve never really had a one on one conversation before except in confession
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well, i don’t like confrontation like this either. But, i can more easily handle it when i realize it is for the benefit of my own children - and perhaps others as well.

I would start out my writing down a list of things that bother me. The list would be for me - not to hand to the priest. I would just want to make sure that if i did request a little bit of time with him, that i wouldn’t chicken out and omit - or forget to say what was bothering me.

Then i would call the parish and ask if i could have a brief meeting with the priest during the week. At this point, i would be nervous - and i would feel my pulse - but i would go ahead with it.

Then when the time came for a meeting, i would say.

“Father, would you mind if i discussed a few things with you that are bothering me? I was raised Catholic - i have always felt that the church was welcoming to me. Now I’m a parent, and i want the same experience for my children.”

At this point, i would pause for a minute and see if there is any response.

“We have been going here for a few months. I just don’t feel like we have a strong connection to this church, and i don’t know how to remedy that. There have been a couple of times that our kids have waited after mass to say hello to you - and it just seems that you were interrupted before they got the chance. It may seem like a small thing, but it would be nice if there could be some kind of outreach that made some of the kids that couldn’t go to school here to feel welcome.”

I would wait again for a response.

He may say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I was coming across that way - i will make an effort.”

Or maybe he’ll say. “You know - those are the families that really support our parish - and without them, we would have no church”.

I don’t know - and i would probably have thought of what i might say if i were given a positive, negative or neutral reply.

Then, i would say something like. “Thank you for agreeing to see me. I appreciate your time.”
 
Are your children in the parish CCD program? If there aren’t many activities for the CCD children, how about volunteering to organize some? Talk to the religious director for the CCD program. You can’t possibly be the only family that sends your children to the public school. But there is a distinct difference in activities at any parish we’ve belonged between the parish school kids and the CCD kids, I don’t know if you’re possibly overreacting having come from a parish that didn’t have a school. There are parish school activities published in our bulletin from time to time that the public school kids are not included. But then again, our CCD program has their own activities as well that exclude the parish school kids. I don’t think you can expect all the activities to include both the parish school kids and the CCD kids. The only time that occurred in our parish was First Communion. The local parish school only goes up to 8th grade and then the youth group takes over and includes all the youth from the parish regardless of if they go onto the local Catholic high school or the public school.
 
I’ve definitely heard of this happening! At my sister’s parish until a year or two ago, kids weren’t allowed to serve if they didn’t attend the parish school! A new priest finally came along and put an end to that, thankfully.

The new priest told my sister that for too long, the place had operated as a school with a parish, rather than a parish with a school. If it happened there, I’m sure it’s common in other places too.
 
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