Publicly sharing spouse's issues

[Rico_S]

Reading posts on this forum for many years, I have often wondered if it is wrong to post the bad/immoral/unlikeable things that our spouses do. While I know people must look to others for help sometimes in how to deal with marital issues, is a public forum a proper place to do so? (And I ask this fully aware that I probably have done this very thing!)

A couple of thoughts:

Does the fact that we are posting information “anonymously” make it ok? Obviously we would all agree that if I, during a men’s club meeting, asked for advise from all the attendants concerning my wife’s refusal to practice NFP and insistence of using condoms to avoid pregnancy, or perhaps her addiction to “50 shades of gray” type romance porn, I would be horribly wrong in doing so (at least I assume we would all agree there). But if I choose to post this information anonymously on CAF, that is acceptable?

In the same vein…I always teach my kids who start using social media to be careful what they put on the internet, stressing that once out there, you usually can’t take it back. Even anonymously! Does the same not apply here? Also, how comfortable are we that we are truly anonymous? While I am pretty circumspect in posting specifics that would compromise my anonymity, I feel confident that if someone from our school or parish, if they reviewed all my posts, could probably p(name removed by moderator)oint who I am. While fairly unlikely, it’s possible. In addition, it’s possible I could screw up…I remember a few years back one poster who created an alternate acct to ask help about a problem with her husband masturbating. In the thread, she accidently posted under her original acct. Doh!! She did get the entire thread deleted, and more less disappeared for a long time, but if anyone knew her personally from her original acct and read that thread, now knows about her husband’s issue. Not good. Anyway, I know the anonymity factor plays a huge role, but are we that secure in hiding our identity, especially when we have hundreds if not thousands of posts?

One more thought…As I read some posts, especially those in which the dog pile effect is in full play, I always feel bad for the spouse being dogpiled. I wonder if the “immoral” spouse knows that his/her spouse is posting such information on the internet anonymously and whether or not he/she cares? Is it okay to not share with the “offending” spouse that we are posting about them on CAF? Is hiding that from them a problem?

Perhaps this is not an issue at all and I have too much time on my hands, but I thought I’d throw it out there and see what other’s think.

 

[Xantippe]

Reading posts on this forum for many years, I have often wondered if it is wrong to post the bad/immoral/unlikeable things that our spouses do. While I know people must look to others for help sometimes in how to deal with marital issues, is a public forum a proper place to do so? (And I ask this fully aware that I probably have done this very thing!)

A couple of thoughts:

Does the fact that we are posting information “anonymously” make it ok? Obviously we would all agree that if I, during a men’s club meeting, asked for advise from all the attendants concerning my wife’s refusal to practice NFP and insistence of using condoms to avoid pregnancy, or perhaps her addiction to “50 shades of gray” type romance porn, I would be horribly wrong in doing so (at least I assume we would all agree there). But if I choose to post this information anonymously on CAF, that is acceptable?

In the same vein…I always teach my kids who start using social media to be careful what they put on the internet, stressing that once out there, you usually can’t take it back. Even anonymously! Does the same not apply here? Also, how comfortable are we that we are truly anonymous? While I am pretty circumspect in posting specifics that would compromise my anonymity, I feel confident that if someone from our school or parish, if they reviewed all my posts, could probably p(name removed by moderator)oint who I am. While fairly unlikely, it’s possible. In addition, it’s possible I could screw up…I remember a few years back one poster who created an alternate acct to ask help about a problem with her husband masturbating. In the thread, she accidently posted under her original acct. Doh!! She did get the entire thread deleted, and more less disappeared for a long time, but if anyone knew her personally from her original acct and read that thread, now knows about her husband’s issue. Not good. Anyway, I know the anonymity factor plays a huge role, but are we that secure in hiding our identity, especially when we have hundreds if not thousands of posts?

One more thought…As I read some posts, especially those in which the dog pile effect is in full play, I always feel bad for the spouse being dogpiled. I wonder if the “immoral” spouse knows that his/her spouse is posting such information on the internet anonymously and whether or not he/she cares? Is it okay to not share with the “offending” spouse that we are posting about them on CAF? Is hiding that from them a problem?

Perhaps this is not an issue at all and I have too much time on my hands, but I thought I’d throw it out there and see what other’s think.

1. If you share with a men’s group, your wife is going to have to deal with running into people who know really private information about her and you will too. That’s really uncomfortable. Or it could be provide an occasion of sin to your group members to be thinking about your wife enjoying 50 Shades of Grey.
2. If you’re sharing online anonymously, you’re not (with any luck) creating that kind of uncomfortable in-real-life experience for your spouse or yourself. On the other hand, it could 1) sinful to be dwelling on a spouse’s failings in an unconstructive way or 2) posting the same issues repeatedly could be replacing more constructive action (talking to a priest or counselor in real life, talking to the spouse, etc.)–I think we’re all familiar with a number of posters who post minute variations of the same issue with a parent or spouse pretty regularly and never seem to move forward. But, if it is a constructive search for information and support, it could strengthen and improve the marriage.
3. Personally, if I’m talking about my husband’s or kids’ failings, it’s usually **past **failings rather than current ones–that happens to be my comfort zone. I might tell a story about stuff that either my husband or I or the kids used to do that was bad, and how we worked through it. With any luck, that will be helpful to others. (And I’m pretty sure it has been.)
4. I wouldn’t be thrilled with having my cover blown, but presumably a lot of other people would be in the same boat…
5. It’s probably not good spouse-ing to present our husband our wife with the dogpile (“the internet thinks you are a terrible person, honey!”). I think pulling out and sharing a few ideas is fine. This isn’t lying, as it’s good spouse-ing not to share every lousy thing with our husband or wife that acquaintances or family says about him or her.
6. If the OP were capable of dealing with their spouse on their own with their current resources, they wouldn’t be posting.
7. I often feel like the sad singles would be better off not posting so many masturbation threads, as it is probably scaring off prospective mates.
8. Some really embarrassing stuff is also really important. For instance, my mom is a semi-hoarder–she’s got a fridge that is practically always packed with rotting food. That is something that I have to live with and it’s something I keep my lips zipped out in real life, especially if it is anybody who knows my mom and doesn’t already know (like our extended family in our home town). My mom doesn’t let a lot of people into that house, so even pretty close relatives don’t know how bad it is. So, it’s embarrassing, but at the same time it’s something that has to be dealt with constructively, and I know a lot of other people have similar issues (including on CAF). It’s a great relief not to have to keep that secret all the time.

 

[Xantippe]

1. For the men’s group, using “we” might help in shielding your wife while at the same time managing to get helpful information.

For instance, “We’re having trouble with budgeting, does anybody have any suggestions?” as opposed to “My wife is out of control.” Save “My wife is out of control” for a confidential conversation with a professional, talking to somebody your wife won’t have to see every week, or CAF.

Other examples for public consumption:

“We’re having trouble disciplining the kids” versus “My wife is letting the kids walk over her.”

“We’re having trouble dividing up chores” versus “I’m not getting enough down time.” (Although that one isn’t so bad, as it’s talking about you, not her.)

As far as anybody who knows us in real life is concerned, my husband is a canonizable saint (although I might occasionally tell a funny story that I’m not mad about anymore).

 

[The_Bucket]

1. If you share with a men’s group, your wife is going to have to deal with running into people who know really private information about her and you will too. That’s really uncomfortable. Or it could be provide an occasion of sin to your group members to be thinking about your wife enjoying 50 Shades of Grey.

For what it’s worth… in men’s groups the men tend to share things about themselves and not about their wives. I mean, from time to time there’s an issue brought up, but nothing personal like that. The personal stuff is about us. Not about our spouses.

 

[LethalMouse]

Too many factors. I am incredibly open and honest ergo if you roll with me and dont tell me it is a secret it may come up

Of course this is what makes the difference between those who grow in the dark verses the light…

I hear so many people on this forum concerned with things not being said and later posting their issues with sins.

Perhaps were you not so hidden those sins would not flourish so well

 

[Rico_S]

1. Personally, if I’m talking about my husband’s or kids’ failings, it’s usually **past **failings rather than current ones–that happens to be my comfort zone. I might tell a story about stuff that either my husband or I or the kids used to do that was bad, and how we worked through it. With any luck, that will be helpful to others. (And I’m pretty sure it has been.)
   .

Yes. I think many share that sort of perspective and make a conscious choice not to disparage their spouse in an open way (whether on the internet or at some social setting) for what ever the reaseon. I think it is a good choice even if I am not perfect at it.

1. It’s probably not good spouse-ing to present our husband our wife with the dogpile (“the internet thinks you are a terrible person, honey!”).

I’m not sure it’s healthy to be a part of/instigate the dogpile of ones spouse even if they choose not to tell their spouse what the internet says.

1. If the OP were capable of dealing with their spouse on their own with their current resources, they wouldn’t be posting.

First off, if they truly are looking for advise, there are more appropriate and resources than the internet–counselor, priest, spiritual advisor, close friend or confidant. I am questioning whether turning to the internet to air out that kind of laundry is, in fact an appropriate.

In addition, I disagree that many are looking for genuine advise. I think many times they present the information in such a way as there is no other outcome except the dogpile on the “bad” spouse. It’s a slam dunk. They aren’t looking for advise on how to deal with anything, just corroboration that their spouse’s behavior is “bad”

1. For the men’s group, using “we” might help in shielding your wife while at the same time managing to get helpful information.

For instance, “We’re having trouble with budgeting, does anybody have any suggestions?” as opposed to “My wife is out of control.” Save “My wife is out of control” for a confidential conversation with a professional, talking to somebody your wife won’t have to see every week, or CAF.

Other examples for public consumption:

“We’re having trouble disciplining the kids” versus “My wife is letting the kids walk over her.”

“We’re having trouble dividing up chores” versus “I’m not getting enough down time.” (Although that one isn’t so bad, as it’s talking about you, not her.)

I think this is great advice. But when identies are assumed unknown, does the same thing not apply?

 

[mommy_k]

I don’t feel comfortable sharing details online about dh and the kids.

I know the Internet is forever and would never type anything I would not want to appear on the front page of a nrwspaper. I have read from some posters complaining about thier children and sometimes think what lasting effects would this have if thier kids read it someday.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Strange, substitute democrats and republicans for spouses, and it would be the same story… Human nature I guess.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Given the permanency of the internet and the need for future anonymity, I only share the good things about my husband and wife.

 

[Xantippe]

Given the permanency of the internet and the need for future anonymity, I only share the good things about my husband and wife.

Very funny!

 

[Xantippe]

First off, if they truly are looking for advise, there are more appropriate and resources than the internet–counselor, priest, spiritual advisor, close friend or confidant. I am questioning whether turning to the internet to air out that kind of laundry is, in fact an appropriate.

In addition, I disagree that many are looking for genuine advise. I think many times they present the information in such a way as there is no other outcome except the dogpile on the “bad” spouse. It’s a slam dunk. They aren’t looking for advise on how to deal with anything, just corroboration that their spouse’s behavior is “bad”

I think this is great advice. But when identies are assumed unknown, does the same thing not apply?

1. Going to a priest or a counselor involves more of a commitment in terms of time and effort than starting a thread, which means it may not seem worthwhile for apparently minor issues (but a lot of minor issues may eventually turn into a major issue). People who go everywhere with little children or who have heavy work schedules often aren’t really in a good position to make extra appointments. Also, with either priest, friend or confidant, they may also not wish to share private information that they can’t unshare with people that they will have to see frequently in real life–in a rural area, there might be only one priest for a large area.
2. Also, people may be testing the waters to see if it is worth bothering a priest or counselor about an issue. Sometimes people are genuinely barking up the wrong tree, so it saves time for everybody for them to post here and be told that.
3. Also, not all counselors or priests are blessed with the wisdom of Solomon. So, if you make time to see one, you may get bad advice and will have to invest heavily in getting multiple opinions. On a forum like CAF, there will be some chaff, but you also usually get at least one good answer (and generally the majority of people will have reasonable views). Asking on a forum enables one to be able to get a large number of opinions in a relatively short amount of time.
4. I think there are a lot of trolls posting fake questions.
5. I have occasionally seen obvious marital argument ammunition collecting, but it’s just as possible to load the dice with a real counselor or priest. Garbage in, garbage out.
6. It might indeed be beneficial to use an ambiguous “we” even on CAF, but I don’t know that it’s a moral requirement. It is imperative when dealing with a large group of people with some overlap with your everyday social circle.

 

[Allegra]

My husband lurks on CAF and knows my account, so I don’t post anything I don’t want him to read.

 

[EasterJoy]

I always assume that people withhold or change any details that would allow very personal posts to be traced to them. As for what people reply, it is free advice and worth what you pay for it. Take it or leave it, but don’t worry if it is mostly not treasures. A high treasure titre comes from finding a real professional who can look you in the eye. With the rest of us, it is hit and miss, particularly since some things have to be hidden or altered to maintain

 

[Xantippe]

Also, come to think of it, some people (for whatever reason) have internet but do not have good transportation.

 

[mommy_k]

I always assume that people withhold or change any details that would allow very personal posts to be traced to them.

(Snip)

Yes this is true however, all it takes is for a poster not to sign out, or having caf on the browser history. Then you are pretty much sunk if you post negative things about a spouse or child.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I will say that many times on the forums I have an unfavorable view of someone’s spouse. However that also applies to posters as well. My heart has bled for posters here and I’ve been completely turned off to posters as well.

I don’t complain or get to personal.
I’ll never understand why some people feel the need to complain to anonymous strangers and the strangers take thier side without knowing the spouse’s side.

I’ve learned two things. Most of you ( you being the collective Internet) either married bad spouses or are bad spouses. And the second thing is,
There is money to be made in therapy.

 

[Xantippe]

I will say that many times on the forums I have an unfavorable view of someone’s spouse. However that also applies to posters as well. My heart has bled for posters here and I’ve been completely turned off to posters as well.

I don’t complain or get to personal.
**I’ll never understand why some people feel the need to complain to anonymous strangers and the strangers take thier side without knowing the spouse’s side. **

I’ve learned two things. Most of you ( you being the collective Internet) either married bad spouses or are bad spouses. And the second thing is,
There is money to be made in therapy.

Because they’re at the end of their rope? They don’t know what else to do? Because it’s not as bad as divorce, burying their spouse in a shallow grave in the backyard, or a three-state killing spree? I’m sure we have all met the couples who seemed ideal–right up until one of them flies the coop.

I only get ticked off by the repetitive people who don’t take any of the advice they’re given, insist that none of it is applicable to them (without making any effort), and keep posting the same issue over and over. (With some exception made for people whose circumstances are very limiting due to lack of funds/lack of mobility/etc.) Of course, in those cases, there is likely to be some mental illness in play…

 

[pensmama87]

Of course, in those cases, there is likely to be some mental illness in play…

I think there’s a lot of that on CAF. I can’t tell if CAF attracts it or the Internet in general attracts it. It gets very frustrating recommending professional help and having posters offer a million excuses why that won’t get them anywhere, when it’s probably exactly what’s warranted. (Especially when the reason is, “But I’m not one of those people,” and here am I, thinking, “Well, gee, thanks…”)

(I try to be very open about my mental health history, in a way that isn’t really possible in “real life,” to try and combat the stigma and to show that it can be helpful even for “non-severe” cases. But even that makes some folks really uncomfortable, I suppose.)

 

[Irishmom2]

It gets very frustrating recommending professional help and having posters offer a million excuses why that won’t get them anywhere, when it’s probably exactly what’s warranted.

Yes! Or the poster will describe a situation and add “please do not suggest counseling,” when clearly, that is what they need.

Oh, okay. You will take advice from strangers with (mostly) no qualifications, but not seek help from a professional.

 

[adamhovey1988]

I’m not married, but I have asked for prayers for an ex girlfriend and many other family members, and some friends, what is the chance of you actually meeting them? And there’s a reason I only give first names. I think some people go into way too much (often sexual) detail on here, that is something I think needs to stop. There are minors on this site.