"pull out" method and who the sin lies on

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WL1981

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My husband is absolutely adamant that he does not want another child. He wanted to use condoms, but I am so against that. He has been pulling out since we had our daughter almost a year ago. I know it is a sin. He knows it is a sin.

If I go into sex knowing that he is going to do that, is the sin on me? Or, is the sin only on him because he is the one doing it? I am participating in something I know is going to end in displeasing God and going against everything we stand for.

Opinion? Words of wisdom?
 
I’m surprised he isn’t aware there is sperm in the fluid that escapes before ejaculation.
 
I believe that as long as you are not encouraging him to do so, that he is the only one who is sinning.
 
Both are responsible if you aren’t telling him not to pull out.
 
WL1981 said:
My husband is absolutely adamant that he does not want another child. He wanted to use condoms, but I am so against that. He has been pulling out since we had our daughter almost a year ago. I know it is a sin. He knows it is a sin.

If I go into sex knowing that he is going to do that, is the sin on me? Or, is the sin only on him because he is the one doing it? I am participating in something I know is going to end in displeasing God and going against everything we stand for.

Opinion? Words of wisdom?
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This is something that only your pastor, in confession, can advise you on. See the document Vademecum for Confessors-- it gives guidelines for this situation of one contracepting spouse. But it is not a document for us laity, it is for priests in the confessional.

As to this method as effective spacing of children, it is about the worst method you can select. Why on earth would you choose this over natural family planning???
 
I beg him not to do it. I don’t like it. Aside from the obvious child bearing reasons, it makes me feel cheap. That is what men do when they don’t want any ties to a woman. Not the way you should treat your spouse. I look at it as disrespect.

I do chart my ovulation, but he doesn’t trust it. I feel like if God gives us a child, He will provide for us. It is FAITH! He isn’t using it to space children out. He never wants to have another. He says it is “irresponsible.” And this from the man who brought me to my Catholic faith… </3
 
WL1981 said:
I beg him not to do it. I don’t like it. Aside from the obvious child bearing reasons, it makes me feel cheap. That is what men do when they don’t want any ties to a woman. Not the way you should treat your spouse. I look at it as disrespect.

I do chart my ovulation, but he doesn’t trust it. I feel like if God gives us a child, He will provide for us. It is FAITH! He isn’t using it to space children out. He never wants to have another. He says it is “irresponsible.” And this from the man who brought me to my Catholic faith… </3
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:(:console:
 
I think this is very serious and will require more effort than this forum can give.
 
I’m not asking for advice in how to handle it. I’m asking if I am sinning by participating. Thanks for the reference to Vademecum for Confessors. That laid it out pretty clearly. I will speak with my Priest on Sunday. Thank you for the responses.

And the reason I brought it here is because where I live, there are VERY few Traditional Latin Catholics. None that I could ask that question to, definitely.
 
If you already have children and a sacramental marriage, he is tied to you. Have you discussed with him why he does not feel more kids are a good idea? He may have some valid points and feel you are not “hearing” his perspective. For women, wanting more kids is often a very emotional thing whereas men view it more practically, because ultimately each baby is another human being that he is responsible for supporting for 20 years. Does he feel he’s “lost” you to the children? Is he stressed out with current commitments?
Either way, you should seek out an excellent NFP class so he can learn more about that method and fear it less. I think some men believe NFP is a way for a wife to simply pretend to be avoiding a pregnancy, and a great excuse for an “oops!”. If he knows you are with him and on-board for avoiding, and sees that NFP can be effective, he might come around on NFP.
 
You ask some good questions. Thank you for your kind response.

Yes, before I was Catholic or had met my husband, I adopted 3 special needs children (one deaf, two mentally handicapped). He had a 5 and 6 year old when we met from his younger years (mom is AWOL and has been for 5 years). We met, (I grew up in an Assembly of God church my entire life) I learned about Catholicism, was baptized, married and had our one child together. We have 6 all together. Neither of us think that 6 is a burden or more than we can handle. I think he is just done and doesn’t want to go through it again.

To me, I was told over 10 years ago that I would never be able to carry a baby. I was more than heartbroken. I can’t even put into words how it felt to be told that. I mourned it for many years and then adopted my own 3. When my husband and I found out we were expecting, it was utter shock. I think I was in shock for half the pregnancy. On top of it, I had some heart issues during the pregnancy. The birth was hard and our daughter was born not breathing and essentially “dead.” It took them 5 minutes to have her respond and take her first breath. It was frightening.

My emotional (you are completely right that a woman looks at it with emotions) reasons for wanting another child was that for 10 years I was told no. Then when I did get pregnant, I was scared to lose the entire pregnancy. I couldn’t relax for a second! I didn’t get to enjoy a moment of it. (Yes, you may call that selfish.) But, I want another child to raise. I want to have that experience again and this time enjoy it. I know that if we did have one more, that would be the end of it.

He doesn’t know anything about NFP. I’ve tried to explain to him. I chart everything exactly as needed. If he isn’t on board for having another child, I would never doop him. I think that is horrible. It has to be a family decision. In the meantime, I feel like I can’t participate in our marital relationship now knowing that he is going to end it like that. It does make me sin by participating.

Ugh… what a dilemma!
 
Also, I don’t think he feels like he has lost me to the kids like I see a lot of families. I am the one trying to get dates together and time alone. I always dress nice and take time to look nice for him. I don’t want to be the mom that the husband thinks, “Why did we ever have children?” I think I am doing a great job of juggling everything… Maybe I’m not, but he has never said anything about it.
 
WL1981 said:
You ask some good questions. Thank you for your kind response.

Yes, before I was Catholic or had met my husband, I adopted 3 special needs children (one deaf, two mentally handicapped). He had a 5 and 6 year old when we met from his younger years (mom is AWOL and has been for 5 years). We met, (I grew up in an Assembly of God church my entire life) I learned about Catholicism, was baptized, married and had our one child together. We have 6 all together. Neither of us think that 6 is a burden or more than we can handle. I think he is just done and doesn’t want to go through it again.

To me, I was told over 10 years ago that I would never be able to carry a baby. I was more than heartbroken. I can’t even put into words how it felt to be told that. I mourned it for many years and then adopted my own 3. When my husband and I found out we were expecting, it was utter shock. I think I was in shock for half the pregnancy. On top of it, I had some heart issues during the pregnancy. The birth was hard and our daughter was born not breathing and essentially “dead.” It took them 5 minutes to have her respond and take her first breath. It was frightening.

My emotional (you are completely right that a woman looks at it with emotions) reasons for wanting another child was that for 10 years I was told no. Then when I did get pregnant, I was scared to lose the entire pregnancy. I couldn’t relax for a second! I didn’t get to enjoy a moment of it. (Yes, you may call that selfish.) But, I want another child to raise. I want to have that experience again and this time enjoy it. I know that if we did have one more, that would be the end of it.

He doesn’t know anything about NFP. I’ve tried to explain to him. I chart everything exactly as needed. If he isn’t on board for having another child, I would never doop him. I think that is horrible. It has to be a family decision. In the meantime, I feel like I can’t participate in our marital relationship now knowing that he is going to end it like that. It does make me sin by participating.

Ugh… what a dilemma!
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I definitely hear you - but 6 kids is a lot, especially when three have extra needs. On top of that, he saw you suffer through a tough, scary pregnancy and then watched his newborn child nearly die. Maybe he has not expressed to you how rough that was for him. A lot of men wouldn’t. Maybe he is just ready to move on to the next phase of his life with you.

I don’t know his heart, but I know that if my husband and I were in disagreement over wheter to conceive or not, I’d have to be really clear with him that I was prepared to avoid until he changed his mind. If your husband doesn’t know much about NFP, he’s probably heard that it does not work and may not trust that you will use it conservatively enough because of your desire to have another baby.

I still think a quality NFP class is a good idea!
 
I think you right. Maybe that would make him feel more at ease. I do see his points and the side that you brought up.

But when does our feeling comfortable with another child become above God’s will? I don’t know… even before I was Catholic, my entire life, I had always been against any form of birth control. I may be on the EXTREME right on it, but I feel that you should trust God to provide. Not blindly, of course, but if God gives you another child, it is a gift no matter what. As parents we make the changes in our lifestyles to meet needs on an every day basis. I don’t see it as any different.

But, yes, I think maybe I will discuss taking a class with him and continue doing it to avoid pregnancy. But I do not feel like withdrawing is a viable option for me… Well, period. It isn’t.
 
I’d really encourage you to seek pastoral counseling, because this is one of those issues where it seems easy to err on the side of strife or else err on the side of permissiveness, to the point that it seems as if you have to err on both sides at the same time and STILL don’t come out OK!, That causes a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is a bad place from which to conduct either a married life or spiritual life. Talk to your pastor, and decide how to do your best in navigating this situation, so you can get through this with your husband in as much peace as possible. I think you’ll do the best morally in that case, too. 👍
 
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