Purchasing alcohol for alcoholic parent?

[Aniranch]

Mom has had a long-time struggle with alcoholism. She’s sober for the most part, has not had a bad binge for several months. She occasionally asks Dad or me to buy her one of those tiny airline bottles of vodka. I should also mention she appears to have anxiety/panic issues that have never been adequately addressed by her doctors. She claims alcohol soothes her and allows her to sleep.

Over the last few days she has asked me to bring her a drink “For St. Patrick’s Day”. I finally told her today that when I have purchased alcohol for her in the past, I felt like I was committing a sin, because it dredged up many horrible old memories and caused me to feel uncharitably towards her. Very VERY uncharitably towards her. She said she’s not responsible for my feelings or thoughts. I suppose that’s true, but her response makes me feel like she cares more for her little airline bottle of booze than she cares for Dad or me.

Dad is recovering from a major surgery and the folks are depending on me for groceries, errands and so forth, as Dad is not allowed to drive for several more weeks and Mom is too impaired to drive. They are 92 and 90.

The thought of bringing Mom a drink is making me sick. Am I overreacting? Frankly, I’m afraid if I DON’T bring her a drink, she will turn nasty and take it out on Dad, who’s still weak.

I wish she could learn to get along without the alcohol, somehow substitute prayer or meditation to calm herself.

 

[puzzleannie]

Mom has had a long-time struggle with alcoholism. She’s sober for the most part, has not had a bad binge for several months. She occasionally asks Dad or me to buy her one of those tiny airline bottles of vodka. I should also mention she appears to have anxiety/panic issues that have never been adequately addressed by her doctors. She claims alcohol soothes her and allows her to sleep.

f.

as a member of a family with a history of alcoholism I urge you contact Al-Anon today and get help on how to function as child of an alcoholic. If you buy the booze you are an enabler and part of the problem=including anything that arises when she goes out drunk and hurts herself or somebody else. If her issues have not been addressed your best help to her is to see that they are addressed and keep looking til you find her a good doctor who knows how to treat alcoholics with other issues.

 

[Rence]

Mom has had a long-time struggle with alcoholism. She’s sober for the most part, has not had a bad binge for several months. She occasionally asks Dad or me to buy her one of those tiny airline bottles of vodka. I should also mention she appears to have anxiety/panic issues that have never been adequately addressed by her doctors. She claims alcohol soothes her and allows her to sleep.

Over the last few days she has asked me to bring her a drink “For St. Patrick’s Day”. I finally told her today that when I have purchased alcohol for her in the past, I felt like I was committing a sin, because it dredged up many horrible old memories and caused me to feel uncharitably towards her. Very VERY uncharitably towards her. She said she’s not responsible for my feelings or thoughts. I suppose that’s true, but her response makes me feel like she cares more for her little airline bottle of booze than she cares for Dad or me.

Dad is recovering from a major surgery and the folks are depending on me for groceries, errands and so forth, as Dad is not allowed to drive for several more weeks and Mom is too impaired to drive. They are 92 and 90.

The thought of bringing Mom a drink is making me sick. Am I overreacting? Frankly, I’m afraid if I DON’T bring her a drink, she will turn nasty and take it out on Dad, who’s still weak.

I wish she could learn to get along without the alcohol, somehow substitute prayer or meditation to calm herself.

I think you’re in a tough situation. The first thing I wondered when I saw the title, was if she was coercing you, and yes, she is. That makes it more difficult. Add that on top of the fact that your dad is ill, and your family is depending on you.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Have you tried telling her that you can’t afford it?

Ok, if it were me, I’d arrange to have dad come to my house so I could take care of him. Or move mom in with another relative or friend while your dad is convalescing. Then when he’s better, you can flip back to whatever the norm was. Personally, I’d try to interact with her as little as possible if she causes that much of a disruption. IMOHO, when there is a sick family member (not that your mom isn’t sick too), that sick member takes priority for the time being. I know, I’ve been caring for my mom full time for a few years now. During the acute stage, you’re going to need to focus on him. If you really can’t avoid her and her disruptive behavior, if you have to, give her one of those small drinks for St. Pat’s day, just to keep her out of both of your hair, and when your dad is better, you can tangle with her addictions.

Take Puzzleannie’s advice and call Al-Anon, I’d be interested to hear what advice they can give you

 

[Catholic90]

I would not do it.

“Forget”.

Say the store was sold out.

Mix a “drink” fpr her that is a non-alcoholic mixture. (but don’t tell her).

Buy a small bottle, dump the original contents, and refill it with a non-alcoholic substitute.

 

[Rence]

I would not do it.

“Forget”.

Say the store was sold out.

Mix a “drink” fpr her that is a non-alcoholic mixture. (but don’t tell her).

Buy a small bottle, dump the original contents, and refill it with a non-alcoholic substitute.

Hey, that last one’s a good idea!

I would try these things, and hopefully she won’t create too much drama for the OP and her Dad…one can hope and pray

 

[Karmartia]

For crying out loud, she’s 90! Have mercy on the old woman and let her have a shot of vodka every now and then. You won’t be an “enabler,” you’ll be a human being.

 

[Mike_Dye]

For crying out loud, she’s 90! Have mercy on the old woman and let her have a shot of vodka every now and then. You won’t be an “enabler,” you’ll be a human being.

I have to agree. It is not like she is asking you for a fifth of vodka 3 times a week she is asking for what amounts to a shot and not very often. I think you need to lighten up and buy her the .99 baby bottle a couple of times a week. Trust me one of those bottles wouldn’t even begin to give me a buzz. Even St Paul told Timothy to have an occasional glass of wine.

 

[Aniranch]

Thanks for your responses.

I recall hearing that in other cultures, it’s not uncommon for the elderly to have a buzz on a good part of the time – little or no other medications being available for the ailments of the aged.

I am of two minds. Yes, a little airline bottle now and then is not a problem. However, when and if she begins demanding more and more, to keep a bender going, that’s what I fear most. She is a banshee when she’s drunk. Really evil.

Well, anyway, I suppose I’ll get her ONE little vodka, or maybe one of those little bottles of wine. (She prefers vodka…)

She would know if I “doctored” her drink. I know her. She is an alcoholic. Al-anon? Yeah, I’ve attended their meetings in the past. Believe me, we’ve tried everything. She’s in denial, she’s (I believe) mentally ill, possibly some stage of dementia. All I can do is check frequently on the folks to make sure they’re all right.

 

[angelerulastiel]

I don’t think you are obligated to buy your alcoholic mother alcohol, especially when you are uncomfortable with it. She shouldn’t tell you it doesn’t matter how you feel so you need to buy it for her. That doesn’t sound to me like someone who needs alcohol.

 

[thistle]

For crying out loud, she’s 90! Have mercy on the old woman and let her have a shot of vodka every now and then. You won’t be an “enabler,” you’ll be a human being.

Frankly that is a ridiculous statement to make.
Do you have some age chart that shows when its not okay to enable an alcoholic and when it is.
Grow up! It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic!

 

[puzzleannie]

if she is 90 you better check with her doctor on her meds and interactions with alcohol. OP said she is alcoholic so I took him at his word. If you think 90 yr old drunks are easier to deal with than middle-aged ones, you have never lived with one.

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

Frankly that is a ridiculous statement to make.
Do you have some age chart that shows when its not okay to enable an alcoholic and when it is.
Grow up! It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic!

I am an alcoholic and there are many reasons why I shouldnt have even one drink, But If I am 90 years old and still drinking, that battle is over. If she is only asking for enough to take the edge off then what is the hurt. However if she wants to get drunk around her husband who needs her to be there for him then that could be a problem. I assume there is no chance of her driving. What are the down sides of her having a drink? worried about her health? at 90? worried she will lose a job?

 

[Karmartia]

Frankly that is a ridiculous statement to make.
Do you have some age chart that shows when its not okay to enable an alcoholic and when it is.
Grow up! It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic!

You seem to have a strange idea of what “enabling” is, and, apparently, no conception of mercy at all. I will take your advice, however, and try to grow up, so I can behave as inflexibly and as cruelly as you advocate when my own mother, also an alcoholic, reaches 90.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I am also a child of an alcoholic. I can say that you are in a tougher situation that some people on here seem to imagine.

Alcoholism is painful because of the way the alcoholic has treated you and treated your relationship. They can’t begin to image the pain of their children who watched them poison themselves for years, especially when they start asking for alcohol again.

I’d say if your mother wants to continue to drink, that’s her business. But she needs to know that you don’t want to be a part of it because of pain in the past. My mother knows never to ask for alcohol around me, drink around me, and I in turn do not drink around her. (Yes, I occasionally have a drink because I have learned that it’s not the drink that’s evil, it’s what she has done with it) It’s what is best for your relationship, and she may be getting so defensive because she thinks you’re overreacting because she has never fully realized the pain she caused you. My mother is the same way with many things. The fact that she is still allowing alcohol to dictate her relationship to you (she gets angry when you don’t want to give her booze) suggests there is still an issue there.

 

[thistle]

You seem to have a strange idea of what “enabling” is, and, apparently, no conception of mercy at all. I will take your advice, however, and try to grow up, so I can behave as inflexibly and as cruelly as you advocate when my own mother, also an alcoholic, reaches 90.

I repeat. It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic. Age is not relevant!
You obviously have never been around alcoholics. I have. My father was one.

 

[Karmartia]

I repeat. It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic. Age is not relevant!
You obviously have never been around alcoholics. I have. My father was one.

Oh, really! I have three brothers, all of them alcoholics. I have six sisters. All but two, alcoholics. Both my mother and my poor father, alcoholics. I am, myself, an alcholic. I know all about booze, my friend, and I know that a a couple of shots a week for a 90-year-old women is more mercy than justice.

 

[thistle]

Oh, really! I have three brothers, all of them alcoholics. I have six sisters. All but two, alcoholics. Both my mother and my poor father, alcoholics. I am, myself, an alcholic. I know all about booze, my friend, and I know that a a couple of shots a week for a 90-year-old women is more mercy than justice.

If that’s true then you should not be talking rubbish about allowing an alcoholic to have even one drink!!

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

I repeat. It is NEVER okay to enable an alcoholic. Age is not relevant!
You obviously have never been around alcoholics. I have. My father was one.

yes its better that their last year or two of life is miserable so that you can feel superior.

 

[MyRdmrLvs]

If that’s true then you should not be talking rubbish about allowing an alcoholic to have even one drink!!

this would be true if the alcoholic was trying to quit and was in danger of doing harm to themselves or others if they drink.

 

[angelerulastiel]

The OP has already said that the mother is a danger when she is drunk.