But is it not also true that if a person has had a bad past with alcohol that even a small amount could be dangerous for a recovering person to have. What is so wrong with telling her that out of love you can’t buy her that stuff anymore, even if she’s 90. We don’t loosen our morals or ignore our conscience just because someone is old.For crying out loud, she’s 90! Have mercy on the old woman and let her have a shot of vodka every now and then. You won’t be an “enabler,” you’ll be a human being.
drunk yes, but she is asking for a very small amount.The OP has already said that the mother is a danger when she is drunk.
Yes if mom is trying to quit then by no means should she be given a drink but if she is not trying to quit and is able to occasionally get alcohol then she would be in a state of withdraw.But is it not also true that if a person has had a bad past with alcohol that even a small amount could be dangerous for a recovering person to have. What is so wrong with telling her that out of love you can’t buy her that stuff anymore, even if she’s 90. We don’t loosen our morals or ignore our conscience just because someone is old.
If a person was at a stage of there life where alcohol was likely to be causing problems then I wouldnt contribute to their drinking in any way. I would hope that they would detox and quit drinking. but at the age of 90 they are not likely to drive, dont need to work and alcohol has been apart of their life that they were unable or unwilling to give up all those years. the decision to quit should be theirs to make they are not children. but if they make that decision and have a week moment I wouldnt help them to fail in what was their decision to quit.So if an alcoholic isn’t trying to quit then it is okay for them to have alcohol? But if they are trying to quit then you shouldn’t let them have any?
Im very sorry, its a terrible position to be in. When she is sober does she remember her bad behavior? Does she have any remorse? Does she think she has lost control of her drinking? Is she rational when sober? If yes is true of these, You might consider a written agreement the next time you give her a drink. You could state that you will not provide any alcohol for her if she in any way looses control or gets drunk. make clear the exact behavior she has done in the past that wont be tolerated. Make clear that violating the agreement in any way will result in that being the very last time and that she she should not even ask again. this way she would be responsible for your refusal to bring it and it would be harder for her to resent you. She would make this tough decision for you.Guys, I bought her her damn airline sized Vodka. Fortunately, she has not asked for more. That would be the line in the sand. One drink, well, it’s not good, but OK. She can’t sustain a bender on one drink.
You’re right, she no longer drives. The last time she tried, she was probably impaired and wrecked the car. Didn’t even know what she hit.
I well remember the days when she’d hassle Dad to go out and buy her alcohol. At that point, argument was pointless. It was easier for Dad to buy her the booze, let her get drunk, then suffer the consequences of the binge. The last such episode was probably 6 months ago. So the idea of “a little comfort” in her old age is BS when she wants enough to get well and truly drunk. Her persistence in that case is alarming in intensity. It’s mental illness, not just the desire for a mixed drink…
If she can stop after one drink (as anyone who is NOT controlled by Demon Rum can do) everything is fine. She takes a nap, no problem. It’s when she decides she has to have another drink, and another, that things go into the toilet.
The OP has already said that the mother is a danger when she is drunk.
I’m a little confused. Is the OP the sole source of alcohol for the mom? If so, it would be easy to control how much she gets and how often, so the OP could make sure mom would not get drunk.drunk yes, but she is asking for a very small amount.
this post has changed my position. If she has demonstrated that she will break her word and not stop at the one drink then she has already made the decision for you. This is still not an easy situation and I feel for you. I can tell you something about cravings. If as an addict or alcoholic we know there is no way that we can satisfy a craving , then the craving will pass quickly and will not be very powerful. However if we think that there is a possibility that we might be able to get what we are craving then we will dwell on the thought of that drink or high and the craving will get more and more powerful. this is why people often relapse immediately after leaving a D&A treatment facility. When they were there they hardly have cravings because they know and have ACCEPTED that there is no way to satisfy the cravings so their cravings are mild and short and they think the worst is over only to find that the battle begins when they hit the street. I highlight ACCEPTED because as we like to say “acceptance is the key to serenity.” So if you make the very difficult decision to refuse to give her alcohol. then it needs to be in such a way that she is convinced that all the begging and abuse she can muster will NEVER change your mind. It might be very ugly but the worse she is and the more you make it clear the more likely she is to accept it and thus have less powerful cravings. If you dont think you can tolerate her abuse you might make it clear to her that at the first mention of asking you to get her a drink you will pick up and walk out the door. You must follow through or she will think she has some control and will not give up. I would have this conversation with her BEFORE she mentions a drink when she is not already in the middle of a craving if at all possible. If you could prevent her from getting alcohol from anyone else it would help. the longer she goes without the less cravings she will have.There’s a lot of factors going on with Mom. IMO, she’s in the early to mid-stages of some form of dementia, which so far is undiagnosed and untreated. Diagnosis will be difficult, as some days she’s perfectly rational and coherent. Other days, she’s pretty addled and conversation is frustrating. It’s like playing 20 Questions. For instance, a few weeks ago, she wanted to order “German Pancakes” at one of our favorite restaurants. Well, at this place, those aren’t offered on the menu.
I said, “IHop has German Pancakes, but it’s not on the menu here.”
Mom said, “But it’s what I always order.”
Me, “Oh, you mean buckwheat blueberry pancakes! Why did you call them German Pancakes?”
Mom, “Well, my father was German, and those were the kind of pancakes he ate. So they were German.”
Um, okey-dokey.
But I digress. She seldom recalls her behavior during a drunk. No, she NEVER recalls it. She apologises, but her apologies are insincere. She probably thinks we’re lying or exaggerating about the behavior.
I grew up with this ****. Dad and I got blamed for why Mom’s life was so dreadful, of course. It’s the same with every drunk, I bet. She’s rational (or used to be, before this dementia) when sober, but when she’s on a drunken binge, it’s like dealing with some kind of psychosis.
The most memorable episode was our last visit to the family ranch several months after her cousin died. I tried to discourage her from taking this trip, knowing it would be a physical strain on both parents. She uses oxygen, so any overnight trip has to be carefully planned and arrangements made for oxygen in the hotel room. I insisted we NOT stay at the ranch. The house had sat empty for over a year and the bedrooms are all upstairs. My parents are pretty crippled up, and the idea of them traversing those steep stairs to get to the bathroom gave me the willies. Mom, as usual, thought I was being silly. One trip up and down those stairs (she wanted to go through some clothes she had there) proved I was right. Anyway, by the next day, when we were ready to return home, she was in the mood to drink, to be argumentative and abusive to Dad and me.
For two hundred miles, all the way home she begged for a drink, saying that if she just had one drink, she’d quiet down. So, Dad asked me to stop. He bought her an airline-sized Vodka. She slugged that down, and by the time we got to the next little town, she was begging again, and throwing in abuse, too. Another drink bought us maybe 10 minutes of quiet. By the time we got within 30 miles of home, I told Dad he might as well stock up on airline Vodkas so he didn’t have to go out again. She was in full-blown Binge Mode and there was no stopping her now. Might as well let her get drunk, pass out, and suffer the consequences later. For two hundred miles, Dad and I suffered verbal abuse from Mom. Looking back at her in the rear view mirror I didn’t see Mom, but some demon-posessed hag that was hitching a ride home with us. I’d have liked to leave her at the liquor store in Manzanola. I was ready to drive the car into a telephone pole and kill us all.
She did not recall any of this after the binge, but remained angry at me for at least a week. Dad and I were both mystified. What had I done wrong?
I’m sick of her, sick of her drinking, at my wit’s end what to do about her deteriorating mental state.
I guarantee there is no agreement you can make, verbal or written, that she will not violate. She is not a rational person when she wants to drink. Agreements and contracts only work with rational thinkers. There is only one way out, one way she is guaranteed to never drink again. Sad, but true.
the alcoholic has very poor coping skills and cant handle negative emotions. The moment the alcoholic thinks about the pain they cause those they love they start to feel guilt and then the need to drink or get high. I think you have every right to be angry with your mother. She is very ill and trying to think of her as a sick person might help. But you and I know many people do get clean and sober. I was unable to get off of drugs on my own, God forced me to get clean and sober.To continue to drink in spite of the pain it causes family and friends is the most selfish act you can commit next to suicide.
Since we cannot be responsible how others feel or react, sometimes we have to remove ourselves from a situation or relationship in order to preserve our own well-being.Newbie2, it depends a lot on her mindset when she starts to drink. Some days she just wants one drink, the way you or I might have a beer or a Margarita with lunch, and it’s enough.
Other times, it’s like the Trip from Hell that I described above. She wants to drink until she’s nearly toxic. I can usually spot the signs of an oncoming psycho-drunken episode. It really is like dealing with an insane person. She is not rational, cannot be reasoned with, gets verbally abusive.
No, I am not her sole source of alcohol. I am not her willing source of alcohol, but if she doesn’t get her drink when she wants one, she can make life Hell. Dad has bought her drinks in the past, just to shut her up. And when she was still driving, there was no stopping her. You cannot imagine what she put us through, if you’ve never been in that situation.
Years ago, we all attended a program for substance abusers and their families. The idea was, the entire family needed counseling, behavior modification and so forth to affect change and help the substance abuser. I thought it was a wonderful program and thought it was doing us all good. Then Mom quit, when the director of the program asked her if she could admit she had a problem with alcohol. She would not admit that, would not continue with the program.
I urefused to speak to her for 6 months, which really upset my Dad. I tried to explain to him that as long as she was not willing to admit she needed help, that there was a problem, **I could not, for my own mental health, have anything to do with her. **
So she would rather give up the family than give up her alcohol. For the sake of my relationship with my Dad, I finally relented, but I have not been able to trust her or love her fully since that time.
I’ve said about as much as I care to say about this subject. It makes me sad and angry to recount these things. If there is an alcoholic who has not come to grips with this problem and refuses to see what pain and turmoil it causes for the family, I can only hope you recognise yourself in some part of this thread and GET HELP.
To continue to drink in spite of the pain it causes family and friends is the most selfish act you can commit next to suicide.