Purity after abuse?

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Rhaplanca

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I’ll be honest and joined this forum mostly to just ask this question, because all the answers I’ve found so far haven’t helped. Hopefully it’s not too sensitive a question - TW just in case.

I come from a background of abuse, including sexual abuse, from when I was as young as 5 years old. All of my abusers were Catholic, including family members and at least one member of clergy. I didn’t get any earthly justice as the police just closed all my cases (without even telling me), and my entire family sided with my abusers against me, spreading lies to silence me. I do get some support from the church, but most of the time in everyday life, it’s all just a big, terrible secret I’m not supposed to talk about.

(This isn’t the focus of what I’m going to talk about, but these are important details that gives it context)

Along with the trauma I bear, I’ve also struggled with sexual purity since the first time I was abused. It didn’t help that between home and Catholic school, I was brought up with a very strong sense of puritan shame around sexuality. I couldn’t talk to anybody about anything. I was all alone with this awful secret habit.

I’d been to counseling with Catholic and non-Catholic therapists for years, and once I realized what I was doing was sinful in high school, I frequented confession. It’s been very hit or miss, especially in confession - unless I mention its connection with my abuse, I usually get some condescending remark that makes me even more ashamed than I already do. Either that, or I get some useless piece of advice like praying it away or to just do my best. Not really sure how valid those confessions were, as I left with a lot of resentment and despair in my heart. I know confession/sacraments have nothing to do with emotions, but I often leave even more stuck and alone in my sin.

I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels almost completely hopeless. I don’t know if anyone here would want to help me or not, but on the off-chance that I can find something that could help me, I’m going to trust that there are kind Catholics here. If nothing else, thanks for listening.
 
Contact the Diocese. They will have an office that helps people who have been victims.

I will pray for you.
 
I think that what might help in your case, which I am so sorry you went through by the way, is that you find a regular confessor. He will know your background without you having to repeat your story. If there is even one priest that you are comfortable with, go to him all the time.
 
So, yes, contact your Diocese if you feel it would help.

Sexual sins are very common in today’s society. The secular view of sexuality is almost as far as you can get from the teachings of the Church and promiscuity, masturbation, pornography abuse and more are considered “healthy sexual expressions”. Given this, it is a hard paradigm shift to make to not only follow, but to understand, the teaching of the Church regarding sexuality. Additionally, victims of sexual abuse (particularly sexual abuse of children at a time when they are developmentally completely unprepared for any type of sexual expression) often suffer with disordered sexual acts. You are not alone and at least a part of your struggle is not of your choosing, which reduces your culpability when you fail but does not release you from the obligation to try.

My best advice to you would be to seek the counsel of a good catholic therapist. Catholictherapists dot com would be a place to start.

I hope this helps.
 
Please follow the advice of the above posts. These folks always give good advice and I recommend you listen.
Remember we want to follow the teachings of Jesus, who is perfect, loving and merciful. You’re strength will come from Him in overcoming your sin. His love will guide and help you. I know He has helped me in my struggles.
Peace be with you. God loves you as do the members of this forum. God Bless.
 
I’m no psychologist but it sounds like you have to somehow overcome the past sexual abuse and forgive the abusers, before you can address the present sexual impurity. That may seem impossible now, but it is a process that requires patience and self-determination.
 
If your behavior is more along the lines of an addiction there is a 12 step group called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and if you don’t wish to attend meetings you could use the website and read the literature. You are not alone. For the previous abuse please, please, please find a therapist you can trust and a confessor who can become your spiritual director. This will take time and it’s going to hurt but you can overcome this most difficult problem if you seek the help you need.
I have another suggestion: In the prayer book Blessed Be God is a very powerful prayer: Thirty Days Prayer to The Blessed Virgin Mary in honor of the Sacred Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Prayers to Our Lady work.

Make no mistake: The Spirit of Lust is the most difficult to overcome and we can not conquer this temptation alone. In the book Spiritual Combat we are told not to even attempt to battle the occasions of this temptation but to flee!
We also have this prayer to use in times of temptation: “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the Spirit of Lust.”
This can also be used for the other deadly sins, i.e. Anger, Envy, Despair, Avarice, Pride, and Sloth.
Jesus and Mary love you and will help you.
 
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You are in my prayers that you find healing, love, and mercy.
Lord make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life
Amen.
 
Rhaplanca said:
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A failure with sexual purity may not be a mortal sin. It depends upon the will. It is not necessary to confession venial sins in confession, although it can be helpful. A venial sin does not the true nature of sin perfectly but rather in imperfectly. Venial sin is essentially different from mortal sin. Adherence to a created good cannot be accomplished by a semi-deliberate act or omission. Example: “A friend will refrain from doing anything that of itself will tend directly to dissolve friendship while allowing himself at times to do what is displeasing to his friends without destroying friendship.”

O’Neil, A.C. (1912). Sin. In The Catholic Encyclopedia. New York: Robert Appleton Company. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/14004b.htm
 
Your intuition seems mostly on course to me though do do need to work on letting go the resentment feelings in the longer term (which are perfectly natural given what you describe).

You need a wise confessor, which I am sorry to say is hard to find, especially in the area of abuse.

At 60 yrs of age I have some training/experience both moral theology and pastorally (but you really need a regular confessor you have confidence in).

Aquinas even 800 years ago realised grace builds on nature. It isnt magic. If nature has been severely damaged the greater the grace needed to heal the damage and the longer the time needed for that repair.
The younger we are when the damage occurs the more that damage is ingrained into us and the harder still it will take to repair, it may be the work of a lifetime.

God understands our human natures and how easily we can damage each other even beyond our ability to understand or even consent to ongoing consequent weaknesses many years later. Have faith and trust in Gods love regardless of your outward failures.
Even those of us who have never been abused and brought up well can struggle with natural desire.

Read what the free online Catechism says in the area of masturbation. Not all grave failures, even habitual ones, are necessarily personal mortal sins. They may not even be venial for the seriously abused. You may well have never lost Gods grace as venial sin does not kill Gods love in us.

But you need to regularly go to a confessor (but not compulsively so) to keep you honest as it were.

God bless.
 
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