Purity Problems

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little while now. It has not been official long but we have been talking about being together for about a year and a half. We had stopped seeing others but had never actually made it official because of age differences. We are both strong Catholics, volunteer with youth programs at our church, and attend Mass regularly.
We both struggle with being pure. We have not had sex and are both virgins, but multiple times we have came very close to having sex. We have had many conversations about it and have always agreed that we need to save ourselves for marriage.
But we are having a very difficult time staying pure. We have gotten to the point we dont even want to put ourselves in the position where anything can happen. I think it is good for us to aviod situations like that but now we never get to see each other and that is causing problems in our relationship too.
I was hoping someone could give me advice on how we can spend time together alone without being impure. We have tried praying, talking, doing activities, and playing games, but nothing seems to work. It bothers us both and we are running out of ideas.
I do not want this to ruin our relationship because he is exactly the kind of guy i want to end up with and i see a chance for our relationship to become something more.
Please help.
 
If being alone is the problem, then not being alone is part of the solution. I’ve struggled with that too with my fiance, and we still do, but our problems always stem from when we are alone. She is 8 hours away now (for work and I believe intervention from God answering our prayers for help).

Try going out more, doing activities that involve you being in public. Even among a crowd you can be “alone”. Going out for a nice dinner, or walking through the park. A fun thing to do, which I myself have done, is going on double or triple dates with other couples you know. And if there are times when you are actually alone, limit your physical affections. Keep your kisses brief (to a peck even), since lingering kisses can lead to passionate ones.

The best thing for avoiding physical sins, is to avoid that which tempts you into it.

That is the best advice I can give.
 
Jadzia4831 said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little while now. It has not been official long but we have been talking about being together for about a year and a half. We had stopped seeing others but had never actually made it official because of age differences. We are both strong Catholics, volunteer with youth programs at our church, and attend Mass regularly.
We both struggle with being pure. We have not had sex and are both virgins, but multiple times we have came very close to having sex. We have had many conversations about it and have always agreed that we need to save ourselves for marriage.
But we are having a very difficult time staying pure. We have gotten to the point we dont even want to put ourselves in the position where anything can happen. I think it is good for us to aviod situations like that but now we never get to see each other and that is causing problems in our relationship too.
I was hoping someone could give me advice on how we can spend time together alone without being impure. We have tried praying, talking, doing activities, and playing games, but nothing seems to work. It bothers us both and we are running out of ideas.
I do not want this to ruin our relationship because he is exactly the kind of guy i want to end up with and i see a chance for our relationship to become something more.
Please help.
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Who initiates the physical contact? You say there are age differences - who is older? Where are these temptations taking place? His apartment? Yours? The car?

You know the old joke, the person goes in to the doctor’s office, says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this (moving some body part)!” Doctor says, “Then stop doing that!”

Meet him in public and part in public. Go out for dates, a dinner date, bowling, going to a bookstore, a coffee shop. NOT a dark movie theater (although I don’t see many people making out in movies these days, still, don’t tempt yourself). Don’t go in his car if that is a trouble spot. Meet him somewhere. Think about “courting,” where the relationship is conducted in front of chaperones.

The age difference you mentioned is troublesome - it does make me wonder if there is coercion going on. At least there can be a power imbalance.
 
We had that problem too and struggled with it for a while. Fixed it right up with a pair of rings and vows. 😉
 
My boyfriend and I have also struggled with similar problems. The solution, as other posters have mentioned, is to do things outside of the problem areas. For us, it actually destroyed our relationship the first time around–we’d go out for dinner or cook, and then go back to one of our apartments and we’d end up pushing the boundaries we set for ourselves. We had lots of talks about it: we’d say no kissing, but eventually one of us would fold. We’d say no cuddling after the movie ended, but one of us wouldn’t move. And we broke up in the end because our relationship stagnated emotionally–we didn’t have that connection because our physical one was so disproportionate.

So now we’re dating again, and we’re making a conscious effort to stay out of the apartments and go and do things, like picnics in the park or rock climbing or bowling. Last week, we did go back to my apartment after dinner to watch a movie, and we ended up making out. This week, we’re not allowed in each other’s apartments alone, just for the protection of our purity. And it makes the physical affection that we do show each other so much sweeter and more intimate, because it has to be more subtle, so there’s not as much selfish pleasure that can be derived from it, and we know it’s coming from a place of “I like you” rather than a place of “I like that”.

I hope this helps; it’s something that a lot of people struggle with, so you’re not alone 🙂

Peace!
-blue.
 
AVOID OCCASION of sin. Avoid near occasion of sin 🙂

What is occasion of sin?
Occasions of Sin are external circumstances–whether of things or persons–which either because of their special nature or because of the frailty common to humanity or peculiar to some individual, incite or entice one to sin. Catholic Encyclopedia

[BIBLEDRB]Ecclesiasticus 21:2[/BIBLEDRB]
 
manualman said:
We had that problem too and struggled with it for a while. Fixed it right up with a pair of rings and vows. 😉
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👍 Glad it worked for you! I would still recommend discernment when it comes to marriage. Especially since the OP mentioned an age difference - just something to consider.
 
blueshells said:
…we know it’s coming from a place of “I like you” rather than a place of “I like that”.
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Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a concise and yet totally apt description of what lust is and why it’s wrong… do you mind if I use that in the future?
 
My last relationship ended largely because we could not remain pure as a couple. We never had sex, but we crossed a lot of lines and crossed them often.

Once you cross the line into impurity it is hard to find consistent purity again… but it isn’t impossible.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.
 
Actaeon said:
Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a concise and yet totally apt description of what lust is and why it’s wrong… do you mind if I use that in the future?
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Yes, of course, please do! I wish it were a bit more eloquent, but I guess that was my translation of the Holy Spirit when I was meditating on an impending conversation with my boyfriend 🙂
 
Thank you for all the advice. Some people mentioned the age difference that I said. It is not large but when we were first interested in being together is caused issues. We have moved past that but it is still a problem that occurs with certain topics. This is not one of them. He is older than me by 5 and 1/2 years. We okay equal roles in our relationship and this is a sin we both struggle with. We have both been the one to start the physical comtact.
 
blueshells said:
For us, it actually destroyed our relationship the first time around–we’d go out for dinner or cook, and then go back to one of our apartments and we’d end up pushing the boundaries we set for ourselves. We had lots of talks about it: we’d say no kissing, but eventually one of us would fold. We’d say no cuddling after the movie ended, but one of us wouldn’t move. And we broke up in the end because our relationship stagnated emotionally–we didn’t have that connection because our physical one was so disproportionate.
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That is what happened to us. We have been together once before and ended up ending because of this (and other things). We both wanted to give it another shot since neither of is really wanted it to end in the first place. We did good for a while but now more and more we are back to hanging out at his apartment alone or waiting a feel minutes extra so that we will be alone. We have tryed not kissing but it never works. Its like even though we both agree its bad and agree not to do it. We continue to fall into it.
 
Set some ground rules:
-COMMIT to chastity. He should care about your soul and vice versa.
-No alone time at night (ie sitting on a couch cuddling)
-No spending time alone at each others’ places
-Only go on dates in public places
-Pray together
-Set boundaries for physical contact: maybe hugs are okay but kisses are not, or maybe closed mouth kisses are fine but french kissing is not
-Did I mention pray?
-Realize that you are both weak and you WILL fall if you’re not careful. Take a break from face to face time if necessary.

These suggestions may sound extreme but you are walking a fine line that you don’t want to cross. Reflect on what it means to be pure. Here are some great quotes from Venerable Fulton Sheen had some amazing insights about purity:

*Purity is reverence paid to the mystery of sex.

Those who speak of sex alone concentrate on the physical or visible element, forgetting the spiritual or invisible mystery of creativeness Humans in the Sacraments supply the act, the bread, the water, and the words; God supplies the grace, the mystery In the sacred act of creating life, man and woman supply the unity of the flesh; God supplies the soul and the mystery. Such is the mystery of sex.

Purity is a vision, the seeing of the soul in the body, a holy purpose in the flesh.

To those awaiting marriage, purity is the same in essence: the keeping of the seed in the granary until God sends the springtime. No one would plant flowers in a wintry December. He would wait on God’s Will for the season, however great his impatience.

Purity is first psychical before it is physical. It is first in the mind and heart, and then overflows to the body.

Purity does not begin in the body, but in the will. From there it flows outwards, cleansing thought, imagination, and, finally, the body. Bodily purity is a repercussion or echo of the will. Life is impure only when the will is impure.

Purity, then, is not mere physical intactness. In the woman, it is a firm resolve never to use the power until God shall send her a husband. In the man, it is a steadfast desire to wait upon God’s will that he have a wife, for the use of God’s purpose. In this sense, true marriages are made in heaven, for when heaven makes them, body and soul never pull in opposite directions.

Purity is the guardian of love until God’s Will manifests itself.*

One last thing: recognize that purity is more than not having sex. It begins in the heart and mind. So not having sex but entertaining lustful thoughts is not purity either. Doing “everything but sex” is not pleasing to God either. Think of it as a gift–everytime you both push the envelope you strip away more and more of the wrapping of the gift until all that’s left is a plain cardboard box or worse, a half-open box. That’s not the kind of gift you want to offer or receive. God bless you!
 
You could pretend that he’s your husband. That should stop the temptation altogether.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Bad Groo
 
Jadzia4831 said:
Thank you for all the advice. Some people mentioned the age difference that I said. It is not large but when we were first interested in being together is caused issues. We have moved past that but it is still a problem that occurs with certain topics. This is not one of them. He is older than me by 5 and 1/2 years. We okay equal roles in our relationship and this is a sin we both struggle with. We have both been the one to start the physical comtact.
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How old are you? If you are 18, 5 1/2 years difference can be a big deal but if you are older it’s not such a big deal.
 
Have you tried NLP techniques?

It works on the principle that when you tell yourself something, the brain automatically focuses on the ‘doing’ part.

Therefore, if you tell youself, “Must NOT grope him!”

The word that sticks is still “GROPE!”

…so you do :o

and then you think “Must not remove my clothes!”

and guess what?!!!

Rather than constantly telling yourselves NOT to do things - talk about doing other things for the sheer pleasure of doing them. Get out and about! If you have met the right man, you will derive so much pleasure just doing simple things together, like going for a walk in the park, or going out for a meal - because you have lots to talk about; you laugh at the same things (or laugh at the fact you laugh at different things!) and you are also comfortable with silence sometimes.

Stop thinking about what you can’t do - focus on what you can do…and realistically, if you are discerning marriage, you won’t be spending most of your married lives getting all steamy and passionate (sorry :rolleyes:)
 
Are you both able to get married? Why are you both not able to get married at this point?
 
This thread is 8 mos. old. Haven’t seen the OP here since Oct. 2, 2012.
 
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