Purposely trying to anger God...?

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michaeldean

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I’m not sure if this is the right forum, I’m sorry if it’s not.
Lately I’ve been doing what can only be described as “spiritual suicide” though all references to such a term as I’ve seen are referring to something different than what I mean, so I’ll try to explain. I’ve had a pretty messed up life to be honest and I’m not exactly well-adjusted, I ran away from religion because the way I was raised was pretty religiously traumatizing (can I get a holla for Christian school), and I’ve had my share of depression and family problems I’m still coming to terms with calling abuse. I guess I’ve always had a pretty low conception of myself, being reckless and hurting myself, drinking, sleeping around, attempting suicide more than once. Well, now I’m (slowly) coming around to the whole God thing, and part of me wants to believe, you know, but the other part of me is too afraid, and I’ve heard the whole God loves you like a father thing, but honestly, that doesn’t do a whole lot for me, because in my experience that’s always meant punishment and being on the edge all the time, but then whenever I start to open up to it, I purposely sabotage myself. Let 's face it, we all deserve to go to hell, right? Why should I get salvation? What gives me the right to even ask for mercy or grace? So whenever I feel like I’m doing something right I go and do something that’s against God’s commandments so that I can be sure I’m not gonna get any reprieve, little things, like not going to church even when I want to, deciding to give up something for Lent and then purposely breaking it for no other reason than to prove I’m beyond repair. Why am I so ****ed up ? Why can’t I just accept that maybe good things happen to people who don’t deserve it? I constantly feel alone and longing but me, in heaven, loved by an omnipotent power I **** off every chance I get, it’s so contrary to my being it’s painful to imagine. Does God see this, or is it more important that I get enough damn discipline to actually listen? I’m not worthy of this. Am I the only one who feels this? Does it make me a monster to say this?
 
Dear michealdean it seems as if you are going through a very challenging time. At the time this is being typed, it appears that this will be the first reply. I would suggest making an appointment with your priest and discussing this or asking for a spiritual director. No doubt there will be much wiser replies than this which I pray will give you some sound guidance to consider, however, a free flowing face to face with a spiritual director would help you journey to the places where you need the help.

May God bless you.
 
Be assured that God loves you unconditionally and wants the best for you.
 
Its okay.

Just roll with it, give it some time. You’ll mellow out eventually. Nobody is beyond repair. 😉
 
michaeldean said:
I’m not sure if this is the right forum, I’m sorry if it’s not.
Lately I’ve been doing what can only be described as “spiritual suicide” though all references to such a term as I’ve seen are referring to something different than what I mean, so I’ll try to explain. I’ve had a pretty messed up life to be honest and I’m not exactly well-adjusted, I ran away from religion because the way I was raised was pretty religiously traumatizing (can I get a holla for Christian school), and I’ve had my share of depression and family problems I’m still coming to terms with calling abuse. I guess I’ve always had a pretty low conception of myself, being reckless and hurting myself, drinking, sleeping around, attempting suicide more than once. Well, now I’m (slowly) coming around to the whole God thing, and part of me wants to believe, you know, but the other part of me is too afraid, and I’ve heard the whole God loves you like a father thing, but honestly, that doesn’t do a whole lot for me, because in my experience that’s always meant punishment and being on the edge all the time, but then whenever I start to open up to it, I purposely sabotage myself. Let 's face it, we all deserve to go to hell, right? Why should I get salvation? What gives me the right to even ask for mercy or grace? So whenever I feel like I’m doing something right I go and do something that’s against God’s commandments so that I can be sure I’m not gonna get any reprieve, little things, like not going to church even when I want to, deciding to give up something for Lent and then purposely breaking it for no other reason than to prove I’m beyond repair. Why am I so ****ed up ? Why can’t I just accept that maybe good things happen to people who don’t deserve it? I constantly feel alone and longing but me, in heaven, loved by an omnipotent power I **** off every chance I get, it’s so contrary to my being it’s painful to imagine. Does God see this, or is it more important that I get enough damn discipline to actually listen? I’m not worthy of this. Am I the only one who feels this? Does it make me a monster to say this?
Click to expand...
In my opinion, YOU NEED DELIVERANCE.
You are thinking the way the devil wants you to think:
“I’m unworthy of God’s mercy, love and favor”
“God is angry at me, that’s why I should punish myself”…etc.

Healthy Fear of God, I read recently, is NOT a servile fear,
that of a servant has for his master,
but as a son of his father, knowing that he punishes him FOR HIS OWN GOOD!
And why should we fear God? To give Him the due honor,
so that HE can be empowered to deliver us from the
ENEMY OF OUR SOULS = satan.
 
what I would do if i were you. Ask God to get satan away from you. You need to talk to Jesus like you would talk to someone you are with. tell him how you feel . be honest. ask him why do i deserve salvation. there are many teachings on that subject but ask him directly. tell him how you feel… are you angry with God for the setbacks in your life? if so tell him . don’t be afraid to tell God exactly how you truly feel. Then listen to him and expect an answer. We all need to graduate from kindergarten spirituality and get into graduate school faith. in other words Like in John 14. 12 Christ says (paraphrasing) amen I say to you. what ever you ask for in my name I will do it. Tell God I expect you to honor your promise. If you have doubts as to why you deserve salvation??? why do you deserve it?? Cause Jesus promise you by dying on the cross. Confess your sins and be sorry in your heart and expect your salvation. Why question a pure gift from God?? I understand your feelings and go see your pastor and tell him and ask him for answers it’s his JOB . God bless
 
michaeldean said:
I’m not sure if this is the right forum, I’m sorry if it’s not.
Lately I’ve been doing what can only be described as “spiritual suicide” though all references to such a term as I’ve seen are referring to something different than what I mean, so I’ll try to explain. I’ve had a pretty messed up life to be honest and I’m not exactly well-adjusted, I ran away from religion because the way I was raised was pretty religiously traumatizing (can I get a holla for Christian school), and I’ve had my share of depression and family problems I’m still coming to terms with calling abuse. I guess I’ve always had a pretty low conception of myself, being reckless and hurting myself, drinking, sleeping around, attempting suicide more than once. Well, now I’m (slowly) coming around to the whole God thing, and part of me wants to believe, you know, but the other part of me is too afraid, and I’ve heard the whole God loves you like a father thing, but honestly, that doesn’t do a whole lot for me, because in my experience that’s always meant punishment and being on the edge all the time, but then whenever I start to open up to it, I purposely sabotage myself. Let 's face it, we all deserve to go to hell, right? Why should I get salvation? What gives me the right to even ask for mercy or grace? So whenever I feel like I’m doing something right I go and do something that’s against God’s commandments so that I can be sure I’m not gonna get any reprieve, little things, like not going to church even when I want to, deciding to give up something for Lent and then purposely breaking it for no other reason than to prove I’m beyond repair. Why am I so ****ed up ? Why can’t I just accept that maybe good things happen to people who don’t deserve it? I constantly feel alone and longing but me, in heaven, loved by an omnipotent power I **** off every chance I get, it’s so contrary to my being it’s painful to imagine. Does God see this, or is it more important that I get enough damn discipline to actually listen? I’m not worthy of this. Am I the only one who feels this? Does it make me a monster to say this?
Click to expand...
Say some prayers from your Heart so you can have some inner Peace.🙂brizek.com/prayer/pieta.htm
 
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