Putting Someone Out of my House

  • Thread starter Thread starter Akiliane
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Akiliane

Guest
About two weeks ago, my little Brother asked me if his pregnant girlfriend could stay at my place because she has no where to go. I said yes, but I feel like I don’t want her here anymore. My Brother stays here with her, but he himself has a place to live at my Mom’s.

I told her she has to give at least $!00 per month towards bills while she is here,but she feels like my Brother should have to pay too… But I told her I’m not charging my brother anything because he does not have to be here and because he is my little brother. I opened my home up to her because I felt like it was the right thing to do. But I’m starting to feel uneasy about this situation. I feel bad for her, but I don’t trust her for some reason. I’m not gonna just throw her out without a warning. I will give her some time. But I want her to leave before Ash Wednesday… Am I wrong for feeling this way?
 
No…you are not obligated to take her into your home. I think you are being more than generous letting her stay until Ash Wednesday.
 
We do not know the circumstances, such as age of this person, whether they have a job, etc.

But, in general, if I were to take a pregnant woman with no means of support into my home I would not expect her to pay me $100. I would do it as an act of charity. I would look at the circumstances to see what I thought an appropriate length of time for temporary shelter-- 1 month, 2 months, etc.

I would also not allow my brother to stay over at my house with his pregnant girlfriend-- that is YOUR fault. You need to establish the rules of your own home.

He still lives with your parents? It sounds as if these two are teenagers. Does he have a job? Does she? Why is it she is without a place to live? Why is it that your brother cannot provide for her and his child?

I would suggest that they get counseling from Catholic Charities regarding placing this child for adoption-- which sounds like the best choice for the child given what you have written here.

You simply need to be up front with your boundaries and expectations. Your brother and his girlfriend are not mind readers.

I would not ask her to leave without sufficient notice and without resources-- I would help her find assistance from local social services organizations.
 
I’m on board with 1ke. To be pro life is to help the parent(s) toward a position to be mothers and fathers, or place the baby and help to pick up the emotional pieces that come from such a noble effort. So often the RTL movement ours accused of saving the baby and throwing away the mother.

In reality, your brother should help defray the cost of your new boarder’s keep, if possible. Call it early child support.
 
Akiliane said:

“About two weeks ago, my little Brother asked me if his pregnant girlfriend could stay at my place because she has no where to go. I said yes, but I feel like I don’t want her here anymore. My Brother stays here with her, but he himself has a place to live at my Mom’s.
I told her she has to give at least $!00 per month towards bills while she is here,but she feels like my Brother should have to pay too… But I told her I’m not charging my brother anything because he does not have to be here and because he is my little brother. I opened my home up to her because I felt like it was the right thing to do. But I’m starting to feel uneasy about this situation. I feel bad for her, but I don’t trust her for some reason. I’m not gonna just throw her out without a warning. I will give her some time. But I want her to leave before Ash Wednesday… Am I wrong for feeling this way?”

If you don’t trust her, $100 per month isn’t going to make it a good situation. Try to think about the money separately from the question of whether your brother and his girlfriend should be living with you.

I would be most concerned about the fact that 1) she seems really immature and entitled (she thinks she should be able to live at your house for free whereas as actual adults understand even $100 a month is a screaming deal) 2) if she’s charged, she wants your brother to be charged, too (how does that improve their financial situation to pay out even more?).

You did a good and generous thing, but you didn’t think it through. Moving her in should not have meant moving him in, too, and there should have been clearer house rules. March 5 sounds like a reasonable deadline. Tell them your deadline as soon as you can figure out your verbiage and be demonstratively helpful with regard to housing options and getting her to talk to a social worker.

Best wishes!
 
It’s up to you who lives in your home. If you are doing this as a favor, make sure there are stipulations. Like, her (or your brother) pay something for support. Otherwise it looks like she’s sponging off you. If she has no way to pay, then she should seek out help, like welfare. If she’s at all interested in keeping the baby, then she needs to show the maturity to support herself and the baby.
 
Oh, and be very cautious about accepting money, as that might create a landlord-tenant relationship. Depending on your local law, that could be a very bad situation for you.
 
How about taking the young people out for dinner and asking them what their long-term plans are (probably after informing them of your move out deadline)? You may want to announce in advance that 1) we’re going out to dinner (yay!) and 2) I want to talk to you guys about your plans. And then sit back and listen to the kids talk.

By the way, the move out date should probably not be on Ash Wednesday itself (as you may be feeling grumpy and weak) but it should be on a day when you, your brother and the girlfriend are all available and in good shape. Maybe take them out to lunch that day after the move, too?

I know I’m spending your money pretty freely in this post, but I think if you have the money it’s a good idea because 1) you’ll save a lot once she’s moved out and 2) it’s a nice gesture and shows you’re not stingy and 3) it’s easier to have friendly and constructive conversations when in public and not busy with cooking, serving and cleaning up. This young woman may be your future SIL and she is going to be the mother of your niece or nephew.
 
Since it was the little brother who /initiated) asked you if his pregnant girlfriend should stay with you, I think you should speak to this little brother about any change in your preferences and he should deal with it.
 
Your “little brother” got his girlfriend pregnant when he had no means to support her, and he wants to live with her at your house because she has no place to go? No. If you want to do right by him, expect him to act like a man with some morals. He moves back home today. You can also tell him that you will keep a tab of what it costs you to have her there while she becomes the mother of your niece or nephew, and you will bill him. He can pay you back when he can. It is the least he can do. To say that she’s carrying more freight for their unfortunate decision would be an understatement, after all, wouldn’t it? (I trust that you would never in any way gouge someone who came to you in dire straits, but be careful to consider appearances, too. You have this couple in a desperate situation and they and their child could be in your life until you are old, grey, and facing death yourself, so be as generous as your circumstances allow. Even a non-religious person remembers on what side their bread is buttered in this long life, if they have common sense. This child could be the only able-bodied relative you have in the world, some day.)

I would, however, ask myself seriously *why *you don’t trust her. Listen to that. I would consult with others who know this couple, too, perhaps your parents. Still, consider that this woman is not just a needy wayward girl from off the street. She went “wayward” with your brother, she is going to be the mother of your blood kin, and she could become your SIL. Treat her accordingly, whether or not you trust her any farther than you could shot-put a piano. Even if you find her other accommodations, be as good to her as your circumstances allow. You could have her in your life, for better or worse, for a very long time. Once you meet her newborn child, I think you will thank yourself for having treated her well.
 
1ke said:
…I would suggest that they get counseling from Catholic Charities regarding placing this child for adoption-- which sounds like the best choice for the child given what you have written here.

You simply need to be up front with your boundaries and expectations. Your brother and his girlfriend are not mind readers.

I would not ask her to leave without sufficient notice and without resources-- I would help her find assistance from local social services organizations.
Click to expand...
Yes, this. It is not too soon for them to make decisions about how they are going to handle their situation, and it is better that they have a professional counselor that they might listen to than that they have relatives they may be starting to resent telling them what to do. Besides, the counselors will know what their options actually are.
 
EasterJoy said:

“You can also tell him that you will keep a tab of what it costs you to have her there while she becomes the mother of your niece or nephew, and you will bill him. He can pay you back when he can.”

That’s essentially loaning him the money, which is generally a no no among relatives. For all we know, he’s still in high school. (OP–are either of them in school, and are either of them working?)

I think opening a tab is a really bad idea, given that if he doesn’t have the money now, there is little realistic prospect of him being able to repay the debt anytime in the next several years. I would either ask the brother and the girlfriend to pay some small monthly amount according to their means or to just consider it a gift. Do not spend money on these people in the hope you will be repaid financially–it is not going to happen.

In any case, there needs to be a 1-5 year plan for her, him and the baby with regard to food, clothing, transportation, medical care, housing, further education, career development and child care, as needed. As the OP is hosting them, the OP is within in her (?) rights to initiate a series of realistic talks on the subject.
 
Xantippe said:
…
By the way, the move out date should probably not be on Ash Wednesday itself (as you may be feeling grumpy and weak) but it should be on a day when you, your brother and the girlfriend are all available and in good shape. Maybe take them out to lunch that day after the move, too?
…
Click to expand...
As just a note, make sure the mother-to-be doesn’t fast!
 
Xantippe said:
EasterJoy said:

“You can also tell him that you will keep a tab of what it costs you to have her there while she becomes the mother of your niece or nephew, and you will bill him. He can pay you back when he can.”

That’s essentially loaning him the money, which is generally a no no among relatives. For all we know, he’s still in high school. (OP–are either of them in school, and are either of them working?)

I think opening a tab is a really bad idea, given that if he doesn’t have the money now, there is little realistic prospect of him being able to repay the debt anytime in the next several years. I would either ask the brother and the girlfriend to pay some small monthly amount according to their means or to just consider it a gift. Do not spend money on these people in the hope you will be repaid financially–it is not going to happen.

In any case, there needs to be a 1-5 year plan for her, him and the baby with regard to food, clothing, transportation, medical care, housing, further education, career development and child care, as needed. As the OP is hosting them, the OP is within in her (?) rights to initiate a series of realistic talks on the subject.
Click to expand...
Getting your girlfriend pregnant before you marry her is a no-no, too. It is very wise to point out that the OP might never see the money again no matter who she asks to reimburse her, but she is within her rights to expect that her brother, if he were a person of integrity, would want to reimburse her for what ought to be his financial duty. I mean, really: If this were her sister going through this, wouldn’t she expect the father of the child to take some responsibility for his actions? Shouldn’t he want to?
 
Xantippe said:
Oh, and be very cautious about accepting money, as that might create a landlord-tenant relationship. Depending on your local law, that could be a very bad situation for you.
Click to expand...
Sadly, very true. Be very careful if you have accepted money in the past, it could get very nasty if she has a smart lawyer.
 
EasterJoy:

“It is very wise to point out that the OP might never see the money again no matter who she asks to reimburse her, but she is within her rights to expect that her brother, if he were a person of integrity, would want to reimburse her for what ought to be his financial duty. I mean, really: If this were her sister going through this, wouldn’t she expect the father of the child to take some responsibility for his actions? Shouldn’t he want to?”

Sure, but if he doesn’t have the money now, and there’s little hope of him having the money anytime soon, there’s no point in poisoning the relationship with debt. He will be legally obligated to support his child soon enough.

If he’s got money now, he should start contributing, but if he doesn’t have it, there’s no point in asking. This is a guy who is bouncing between his mom’s house and a sibling’s house–I take it he’s not made of money.

The OP might wish to encourage him and the girlfriend to take a personal finance course and perhaps to take a second job (if he’s out of school). This young couple needs to start engaging in some long-term planning.
 
Petaro said:
Sadly, very true. Be very careful if you have accepted money in the past, it could get very nasty if she has a smart lawyer.
Click to expand...
In my county, 24 to 48 hours establishes tenancy…no cash need be exchanged.

I am asking the OP to help this new family see part the birth and to get the engaged in church and community services asap.
 
Akiliane, you are a single adult man. This woman should not be living with you without some kind of chaperone. Since you are 30ish, I’m going to hazard that little bro and his girlfriend are in their 20s. That is, they are old enough to plan for marriage and their own home.

You’ve gotten some good advice up thread. Particularly about finding this woman another place to live and making sure she and your brother are getting proper counseling for how they will handle the baby. Your bother needs to be working or in school. And really the girlfriend can be too. Most of us worked during pregnancy. Do either of them have a job?

In the near term, the best situation may be for the girlfriend to live with your mom and your brother to live with you.
 
Has the pregnant girlfriend made any effort since moving in with you to finding somewhere else to live?..obviously she cant expect to stay with you forever…if she isnt contributing rent for staying then i assume she isnt contributing towards food, electricity, water, gas, telephone etc…its not fair on you…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top