Putting up with in-laws

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DoxieMama

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Hello! Having in-law issues I’d like help with. I feel like my husband’s 2 sisters have never accepted me and have been rude to me over the years.
Also, my mother-in-law lives with us parts of the year (she’s coming back next month). I do get along with her, but I feel she tends to favor the sisters. My MIL lives with one SIL, who I know she’d rather live with full-time, but she hates the area. My husband and I live where her doctors are, friends, etc. But I have really bad OCD and anxiety, and the last time she lived with us, my mental health declined. I know it was mainly due to getting off meds for awhile to try to have a baby. I’m back on them now. She has cleanliness issues which really bother me…for example, handling raw meat and not washing her hands. She’s getting grumpier and gets an attitude with me when I ask her to wash her hands.
I’m starting to get anxious, have stomach turning, and close to tears because I really don’t want her living here. My husband doesn’t totally understand, but he’s at work most of the day and doesn’t have to deal with her.
I don’t know what to do. As a Catholic, I know I’m supposed to be charitable and we’re supposed to take care of our aging parents. But I really feel like my quality of life declines while she’s here, to the point where I’ve felt like moving out of my own house. I have a little girl and I hate her seeing me like that too. My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
 
DoxieMama said:
Hello! Having in-law issues I’d like help with. I feel like my husband’s 2 sisters have never accepted me and have been rude to me over the years.
Also, my mother-in-law lives with us parts of the year (she’s coming back next month). I do get along with her, but I feel she tends to favor the sisters. My MIL lives with one SIL, who I know she’d rather live with full-time, but she hates the area. My husband and I live where her doctors are, friends, etc. But I have really bad OCD and anxiety, and the last time she lived with us, my mental health declined. I know it was mainly due to getting off meds for awhile to try to have a baby. I’m back on them now. She has cleanliness issues which really bother me…for example, handling raw meat and not washing her hands. She’s getting grumpier and gets an attitude with me when I ask her to wash her hands.
I’m starting to get anxious, have stomach turning, and close to tears because I really don’t want her living here. My husband doesn’t totally understand, but he’s at work most of the day and doesn’t have to deal with her.
I don’t know what to do. As a Catholic, I know I’m supposed to be charitable and we’re supposed to take care of our aging parents. But I really feel like my quality of life declines while she’s here, to the point where I’ve felt like moving out of my own house. I have a little girl and I hate her seeing me like that too. My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
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It sounds like you need to set boundaries and decide how much you can handle without you yourself getting harmed. Yes, we have to care for our aging parents and generally help others, but not at the expense of our health or the well-being of our family (i.e. your daughter).

By parts of the year, do you mean one month, two months, five months? Is there a way you can maybe still let her stay but for a shorter time?
 
I suffer from mental health issues, too, so I understand what you’re dealing with. :hug3:
 
DoxieMama said:
Hello! Having in-law issues I’d like help with. I feel like my husband’s 2 sisters have never accepted me and have been rude to me over the years.
Also, my mother-in-law lives with us parts of the year (she’s coming back next month). I do get along with her, but I feel she tends to favor the sisters. My MIL lives with one SIL, who I know she’d rather live with full-time, but she hates the area. My husband and I live where her doctors are, friends, etc. But I have really bad OCD and anxiety, and the last time she lived with us, my mental health declined. I know it was mainly due to getting off meds for awhile to try to have a baby. I’m back on them now. She has cleanliness issues which really bother me…for example, handling raw meat and not washing her hands. She’s getting grumpier and gets an attitude with me when I ask her to wash her hands.

**Wow. That sounds terrible.

I know this isn’t what you need to hear with your OCD, but you could literally die from her bad food handling methods.

This isn’t you being unreasonable. **

I’m starting to get anxious, have stomach turning, and close to tears because I really don’t want her living here. My husband doesn’t totally understand, but he’s at work most of the day and doesn’t have to deal with her.
I don’t know what to do. As a Catholic, I know I’m supposed to be charitable and we’re supposed to take care of our aging parents. But I really feel like my quality of life declines while she’s here, to the point where I’ve felt like moving out of my own house. I have a little girl and I hate her seeing me like that too. My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
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Just do what you can do and no more. One month? Or two or three weeks? Or maybe just one really busy week?

It is about time for her to transfer her medical care to where she’s actually living, if that’s at all feasible.

Good luck!
 
Have you discussed this with your counselor?

I’d suggest that you bring your husband with you to an appointment with your mental health professional and discuss the situation. Have your doctor explain things to your husband regarding how this is impacting your mental health. Consult with your doctor on what needs to be done about it, up to and including having MIL stay elsewhere.

The way I see it, this is not an in-law issue, this is a mental health issue.
 
DoxieMama said:
Also, my mother-in-law lives with us parts of the year (she’s coming back next month). I do get along with her, but I feel she tends to favor the sisters.
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That is only normal and to be expected, she gave birth to them and brought them up. Now if she favoured the sisters over your husband, that would be different
DoxieMama said:
My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
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Sounds like you have a very supportive husband. Take him up on his offer and get him to tell her she can’t stay. His wife is more important than the rest of the family
 
Last time she stayed for 6 months! This time I asked that she stay a shorter time, which will be 2.5 months. But I don’t want her staying at all. Also, she can’t cook alone, she has left the stove on tons of times. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her home alone, as she is frail and has had a heart attack before. That makes me feel trapped to be at home all the time.
 
It sounds like she needs more care than your family can reasonably offer while maintaining good mental health. I would seriously discuss alternate care arrangements for your MIL with your DH. It sounds like she needs to be in a facility that offers medical care and continuous supervision if there are dementia-like symptoms emerging.

You have a young child, and are potentially expanding your family. While it is ideal to have families care for their elders, that’s often not realistic over an indefinite horizon. There comes a time when the greater well-being of the children and grandchildren is sacrificed for one individual, or the elderly family member requires medical care. If you are unable to get out of the house or give your daughter the care she needs, then a change needs to be made.

Best wishes as you explore other options for your MIL. It’s wonderful that your husband is so supportive.
 
If he has offered to have her not stay, then what’s the issue? Say “yes dear…I think that would be best. Thank you for your support. When will you call her and let her know to make other arrangements?”

It’s his mother. He can figure out how to best deal with her health issues.
But in doing so, he will assist you with yours.
Good luck.
 
DoxieMama said:
I don’t know what to do. As a Catholic, I know I’m supposed to be charitable and we’re supposed to take care of our aging parents. But I really feel like my quality of life declines while she’s here, to the point where I’ve felt like moving out of my own house. I have a little girl and I hate her seeing me like that too. My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
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Continue to be charitable to your Mother in law but unite your worry anxiety depression and frustration to Jesus suffering for the conversion of sinners.
 
alphawoman said:
It sounds like she needs more care than your family can reasonably offer while maintaining good mental health. I would seriously discuss alternate care arrangements for your MIL with your DH. It sounds like she needs to be in a facility that offers medical care and continuous supervision if there are dementia-like symptoms emerging.

You have a young child, and are potentially expanding your family. While it is ideal to have families care for their elders, that’s often not realistic over an indefinite horizon. There comes a time when the greater well-being of the children and grandchildren is sacrificed for one individual, or the elderly family member requires medical care. If you are unable to get out of the house or give your daughter the care she needs, then a change needs to be made.

Best wishes as you explore other options for your MIL. It’s wonderful that your husband is so supportive.
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Yes!

The OP needs to be able to leave the house.

That’s often an essential part of mental health maintenance for mothers, even those without particular diagnosed mental health issues.
 
DoxieMama said:
Hello! Having in-law issues I’d like help with. I feel like my husband’s 2 sisters have never accepted me and have been rude to me over the years.
Also, my mother-in-law lives with us parts of the year (she’s coming back next month). I do get along with her, but I feel she tends to favor the sisters. My MIL lives with one SIL, who I know she’d rather live with full-time, but she hates the area. My husband and I live where her doctors are, friends, etc. But I have really bad OCD and anxiety, and the last time she lived with us, my mental health declined. I know it was mainly due to getting off meds for awhile to try to have a baby. I’m back on them now. She has cleanliness issues which really bother me…for example, handling raw meat and not washing her hands. She’s getting grumpier and gets an attitude with me when I ask her to wash her hands.
I’m starting to get anxious, have stomach turning, and close to tears because I really don’t want her living here. My husband doesn’t totally understand, but he’s at work most of the day and doesn’t have to deal with her.
I don’t know what to do. As a Catholic, I know I’m supposed to be charitable and we’re supposed to take care of our aging parents. But I really feel like my quality of life declines while she’s here, to the point where I’ve felt like moving out of my own house. I have a little girl and I hate her seeing me like that too. My husband said he’s on my side and has offered to tell her she can’t stay here, but then **I worry about how that would affect his relationship with his family. **I’m anxious, depressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do:(
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WRT the bolded part: this is *not *your responsibility. Your husband sees that having his mother stay with you all is going to be bad for yo,u and he is protecting you and your health. He is very properly putting his wife over his family of origin.

Be grateful for your wonderful husband 🙂
 
St_Francis said:
WRT the bolded part: this is *not *your responsibility. Your husband sees that having his mother stay with you all is going to be bad for yo,u and he is protecting you and your health. He is very properly putting his wife over his family of origin.

Be grateful for your wonderful husband 🙂
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Yes.

Let your husband finesse things.
 
Right after I posted this, I asked my husband to call his mother and explore retirement communities. He called her and she wasn’t having it. She’s concerned about them taking her money, etc. So frustrating! He’s going to try to get his sisters on board with talking her into it.
 
1ke said:
Have you discussed this with your counselor?

I’d suggest that you bring your husband with you to an appointment with your mental health professional and discuss the situation. Have your doctor explain things to your husband regarding how this is impacting your mental health. Consult with your doctor on what needs to be done about it, up to and including having MIL stay elsewhere.

The way I see it, this is not an in-law issue, this is a mental health issue.
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YES to all of that. “There is no health without mental health”. Your health comes first, and by “health”, that includes mental health. It is my own personal belief that one has a right to his/her sanity.
 
DoxieMama said:
Right after I posted this, I asked my husband to call his mother and explore retirement communities. He called her and she wasn’t having it. She’s concerned about them taking her money, etc. So frustrating! He’s going to try to get his sisters on board with talking her into it.
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Grandmas LOVE hearing about nursing homes. (I’m pretty sure mine thinks that “nursing home” is a four-letter word.)

Yeah, time to talk to the sisters. Oh, and talk to an expert about the ins and outs of money and nursing homes. Don’t let anybody do anything clever without running it by an accountant or other expert first–there are some nasty legal penalties now for families that try to hide or move around funds.

kiplinger.com/article/insurance/T037-C000-S002-the-crackdown-on-medicaid-planning.html

Good luck!
 
This issue calls to mind an old saying:

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

It’s time for husband to be firm with mum and make it clear that her living arrangements will not include his house (your house). And then you can start to explore options, bringing in the two favoured sisters also.

This sort of scenario can be a very difficult time for older people. But don’t let that guilt you into making poor decisions with regard to your mental health and family life.
 
Anglewannabe said:
That is only normal and to be expected, she gave birth to them and brought them up. Now if she favoured the sisters over your husband, that would be different

Sounds like you have a very supportive husband. Take him up on his offer and get him to tell her she can’t stay. His wife is more important than the rest of the family
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I agree with this.

Mary.
 
UPDATE-

Well, my husband called his sister (the one my MIL (mother-in-law) is currently living with), and she practically blew up. She doesn’t see the need for her to move into a home, etc. My husband explained that her and I butted heads last time she was here and that we’re uncomfortable leaving her home alone and that I didn’t sign up for this. She started to say something like, “Well, when you marry into a family…” We don’t really understand what she was saying. I have a feeling she was saying I should just deal with it because I married into this family and should be expected to do my part.
The thing is, I’ve been doing my part, for YEARS! My MIL lived with us a total of 4 years while my SIL (sister-in-law). was overseas. SIL came back, then my MIL lived with us 6 mos. out of the year for the past 2 years. But, she’s getting older, leaving the stove on (which SIL doesn’t think is a big deal). My SIL is acting all self-righteous, like…“Well I told mom she can live with us whenever she wants”.
I’m concerned about 2 things now. My husband’s relationship with his mother. I’m afraid now he’ll resent me if ties get cut. But I’ve been dealing with them for 16 years and have bit my tongue. I feel like I mentally can’t do this anymore.
The 2nd thing is, now I’m wondering if I’m being an uncharitable Catholic and will get that rubbed in my face. BTW, MIL is still a practicing Catholic but both sisters have fallen away. I feel they have no right to judge me, especially since they’ve fallen away from the faith. Ugh! Feel like I made things worse for my husband.😦
 
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