Putting up with in-laws

[underacloud]

“Well, when you marry into a family…” We don’t really understand what she was saying. I have a feeling she was saying I should just deal with it because I married into this family and should be expected to do my part.

Yes, that seems to be what she is saying. This is really something that people say to cover over the particular dysfunctional aspects of the familial relationships and hide their own shortcomings.

Don’t fall for it. Insist on a reasoned approach to the problems with your aging MIL.

“Well I told mom she can live with us whenever she wants”.

Great! That’s all sorted then. Mum stays with you.

I feel like I mentally can’t do this anymore.

Right. So make sure you take care of your mental health.

The 2nd thing is, now I’m wondering if I’m being an uncharitable Catholic and will get that rubbed in my face. BTW, MIL is still a practicing Catholic but both sisters have fallen away. I feel they have no right to judge me, especially since they’ve fallen away from the faith. Ugh! Feel like I made things worse for my husband.

If she had no other reasonable options, charity might dictate another response. But there are options that should at least be explored/discussed. A caring and functional family would sit down and discuss them.

 

[Viki63]

This probably wouldn’t really help in the long run, but have you considered hiring someone to stay with her – a companion perhaps, to make sure she cooks safely and isn’t alone, so you can get out of the house? A middle aged woman perhaps to come over a few hours a day,
If the MIL is concerned about a nursing home taking her money, perhaps she has money that could be spent on a companion, which would be much less expensive than a nursing home.

Of course the OP would still have to deal with her during the rest of the day, so that might not work.

As for your concerns, your husband’s ties with his mother don’t have to be cut because she can’t live with the both of you, He can present it in a charitable manner, and it sounds like he’s capable of that. He’s willing to put his wife’s health first, as is right,
2nd, are you being uncharitable? You want to be able to take care of your daughter and keep your mental health together, There’s nothing wrong with that, Remember, on the airplane we have to put on our oxygen masks first before we try to help anyone else.
Putting your immediate family first is sometimes all we can do, and it’s enough.

 

[DoxieMama]

This probably wouldn’t really help in the long run, but have you considered hiring someone to stay with her – a companion perhaps, to make sure she cooks safely and isn’t alone, so you can get out of the house? A middle aged woman perhaps to come over a few hours a day,
If the MIL is concerned about a nursing home taking her money, perhaps she has money that could be spent on a companion, which would be much less expensive than a nursing home.

Of course the OP would still have to deal with her during the rest of the day, so that might not work.

As for your concerns, your husband’s ties with his mother don’t have to be cut because she can’t live with the both of you, He can present it in a charitable manner, and it sounds like he’s capable of that. He’s willing to put his wife’s health first, as is right,
2nd,**** are you being uncharitable****? You want to be able to take care of your daughter and keep your mental health together, There’s nothing wrong with that, Remember, on the airplane we have to put on our oxygen masks first before we try to help anyone else.
Putting your immediate family first is sometimes all we can do, and it’s enough.

I do wonder if I am being uncharitable. I feel like I am being selfish and maybe not considering my MIL’s needs. But again, I also feel these are WANTS not NEEDS. She WANTS to live with us because it’s close to her aunt, the casino, and her doctors. My husband and I feel like she truly doesn’t want to live with us to be near us, we’re just a convenience. She has 2 daughters who can care for her, she’s just picky about the areas they live. So, I feel like if we were the ONLY option my MIL had, then of course I’d be obliged to let her live here. But, she has other options and I feel as though my mental health suffers,
As far as my husband’s relationship with her, I feel like she will get offended or hurt and not want to talk to him anymore. That would really hurt him, and that is what I’m upset about.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes, that seems to be what she is saying. This is really something that people say to cover over the particular dysfunctional aspects of the familial relationships and hide their own shortcomings.

Don’t fall for it. Insist on a reasoned approach to the problems with your aging MIL.

Great! That’s all sorted then. Mum stays with you.

Right. So make sure you take care of your mental health.

If she had no other reasonable options, charity might dictate another response. But there are options that should at least be explored/discussed. A caring and functional family would sit down and discuss them.

YES to all of this^^^^^.
In fact, when a person says “mom can stay with us whenever” but really mean, no, I can’t take it either, then you have common ground.
Seems nobody can deal with her, and no one wants to have “the talk” with mom about outside care and other living arrangements.
Have your hubs meet with the 2 sisters , without you, she’s not your mom, but ask him to speak frankly and allow them to speak frankly as well.
Not all places will just take your money…ask around at church, Everyone there knows which nursing homes are better than others and what level of care they give. Don’t fall fro the hard sell, ask people who really have relatives and best friends there.
It’s expensive, yes. But she has to realize the security she’ll have from a good placement. No worries if she falls, someone to check on her a couple of times daily. FRIENDS her own age. trips to various points of interest. Someone to watch the same tv shows she likes and not complain bitterly about it. Ok, that sounds silly, but you get the idea.
And if the sisters don’t like it, then THEY can take her. You married into the family yes, but you didn’t marry his mother.
They need to work this out, and it’s not fair to mom either to dump her where it will be an issue. They feel like the nursing home will upset her. It might, but she might like it.
Or, she can stay with them. I think if DH reminds them how taxing it is, how tiring it can be, as MUCH AS YOU LOVE HER…but it’s not an option. They can figure it out.
And they can talk to their mom themselves.
It sounds hard, yes, and I feel for you. But it’s something the siblings have to do together, rationally, and with mom on board.
Hubs should make clear…he can’t move her in with you. After that, pray for the Holy Spirit to show them some good options where mom will be safe and content.

 

[Xantippe]

UPDATE-

Well, my husband called his sister (the one my MIL (mother-in-law) is currently living with), and she practically blew up. She doesn’t see the need for her to move into a home, etc. My husband explained that her and I butted heads last time she was here and that we’re uncomfortable leaving her home alone and that I didn’t sign up for this. She started to say something like, “Well, when you marry into a family…” We don’t really understand what she was saying. I have a feeling she was saying I should just deal with it because I married into this family and should be expected to do my part.

**I’ll translate. What she’s saying is, “I can’t deal with mom by myself, so I’m going to guilt you into helping me, even if it’s really bad for you and your family.”

A possible reply for your husband is something like, “I think you realize that we can’t keep mom safe and well using just family resources. It’s time for us to get some outside help, which may mean a nursing home.”

Or alternately, “It sounds like you’re having a lot of trouble taking care of mom.” **

The thing is, I’ve been doing my part, for YEARS! My MIL lived with us a total of 4 years while my SIL (sister-in-law). was overseas. SIL came back, then my MIL lived with us 6 mos. out of the year for the past 2 years.

Yeah.

But, she’s getting older, leaving the stove on (which SIL doesn’t think is a big deal).

It totally is a big deal.

My SIL is acting all self-righteous, like…“Well I told mom she can live with us whenever she wants”.

A possible reply to that is, "If you think that is a good idea, you do that."

I’m concerned about 2 things now. My husband’s relationship with his mother. I’m afraid now he’ll resent me if ties get cut.

**Ties don’t have to get cut and your husband should make an effort to stay in touch and help out in various ways, but she also doesn’t get to live with you anymore if you don’t want her to. Short visits are different.

Also–here’s a sad fact. A lot of times, the far-away adult child gets treated as being more special than the close child that’s always helping. That’s unfair, but your husband has that dynamic working in his favor. **

But I’ve been dealing with them for 16 years and have bit my tongue. I feel like I mentally can’t do this anymore.

The 2nd thing is, now I’m wondering if I’m being an uncharitable Catholic and will get that rubbed in my face. BTW, MIL is still a practicing Catholic but both sisters have fallen away. I feel they have no right to judge me, especially since they’ve fallen away from the faith. Ugh! Feel like I made things worse for my husband.

No. If he weren’t married, he couldn’t have been safely hosting his mom in her current condition. Very few women would do as much as you have already done.

Here’s some more verbiage, “I think we need to do what is best for everybody.”

 

[DoxieMama]

Thanks everyone! I have talked with my therapist about all this. I see her tomorrow, which is good amidst these new developments. She knows how stressed I am, and so does my husband.

I do believe my SIL can handle my MIL. It’s just that my MIL hates where my SIL is living, and prefers to be in a familiar place, where hubs and I are living. But we feel she doesn’t truly want to live with us, that she’s just using us for her convenience (my husband finally admitted to feeling this way too).

I just feel guilty and responsible if my husband’s family turns against him, and will feel bad for my daughter too. BUT, this is exactly why I feel stressed out. Dealing with the sisters who are inconsiderate and rude, and the stress of MIL living here. I just feel like I can’t take it anymore.

My greatest fear is my hubs resenting me if his family turns against him. He adores his mother!

 

[DoxieMama]

Thank you for sharing.

You can’t have it both ways with your husband’s family, but you already knew that. You desire to ask your mother-in-law not to live with you, yet you also want family love and harmony. This probably will not happen. Your mother-in-law lived with you for four years, additionally several months, yet you are being labeled “selfish” already for even suggesting a retirement home. All the dedication and time you have already given her is not good enough, this family still will probably label you as selfish.

Is your husband typically a resentful man? My guess is that he has made this decision with his eyes wide open. Please give him some credit here, he is a grown man and knows 100% what his family is like. He knows exactly what the consequences of his actions are, he has lived with and around these people his entire life. He knows what his mother and sisters are going to think, perhaps he has grown weary of the nonsense and is ready to move on?

You seem to by trying to protect your husband from his own family. This is not your job. Your job is to give your husband love and support and to do all you can to have a healthy marriage and home life.

You love your husband very much, that is probably why your deepest desire for him is to have a loving relationship with his mother and sisters. You cannot control this, no matter how much you sacrifice and plead and give, nothing you do will force his mother and siblings to treat you and your husband the way you wish. This will be hard for you to accept because you have spent years of your life trying to accomplish just that but you can see that it has not worked.

Give this to Jesus. Pretend that you are embracing your in-laws in your arms and hand them gently over to Jesus. Your in-laws are not loving and are rejecting you and your husband, Jesus knows exactly what this feels like. Jesus while He was here on earth was perfect and innocent and pure love! Yet people rejected Him too, even people close to Him. It is no surprise then that in our sinful human nature, we do this to one another. Pray for your in-laws and ask Jesus to help you let this go. You cannot control how they act and trying to do so is adding to your anxiety, seek the peace that Jesus longs to give you. Please be assured of my prayers.

Thanks Monica! I don’t feel my husband is a resentful man, that’s just a fear of mine. I do need to give him credit. He does know what his family is like, but he loves them and feel a certain loyalty to them. It’s also a cultural issue (they’re Filipino).

For the 16 years total we’ve been together (11 years married)…I feel his sisters in particular have never accepted me and are rude and self-centered. For my hubs sake, I bit my tongue. But, I feel I can’t take it anymore.

I will give this to Jesus. I just became Catholic last year, so my struggle is wondering if I should’ve just grinned and beared this for peace’s sake. But, my anxiety is getting worse concerning them, and I’m suffering.

 

[pianistclare]

Don’t fret. Anything that happens, happens by her own hand.
Your hubs sounds like a reasonable guy.
Do as your therapist advises, and pray.
After that? Let go of the guilt.
Peace.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Probably an unseen obstical you are facing is your husbands view on the situation. Many times husbands feel overburdened as “Providers” and he probably feels unappreciated about the providing he is doing for his family which is fracturing in his eyes (wife, sister, & mom are not meshing) causing him to foresee extra expenditures in his resources (his time talent, & treasure). Many men suffer silent anxiety when this happens to them.

Understandably, you too feel unappreciated in your efforts to make room for this guest. To add to your burdens, there is a power struggle in your own home. Sure, you are bitting the bullet and being “charitable” but you are still being blinded by this power struggle (which is really you vs husband … Not you vs a woman who may be displaying signs of memory loss). The communication break down is what powers do you have, and how to manage your work load in this new role.

You need to find a way to bring bAlance to this WITH your husband. A retirement community really is an ideal way for you. Is it best for your husband and mother? I would explore memory loss as a real issue to focus on.

Should you get this request, I would hope you visit her with the grand kids more. I would hope you could see your husband’s image in her and her in your husbands image. She will probably show up in the image of your children too, so I also hope you find joy in her during these twilight years of her life.

 

[DoxieMama]

You need to find a way to bring bAlance to this WITH your husband. A retirement community really is an ideal way for you. Is it best for your husband and mother? I would explore memory loss as a real issue to focus on.

Should you get this request, I would hope you visit her with the grand kids more. I would hope you could see your husband’s image in her and her in your husbands image. She will probably show up in the image of your children too, so I also hope you find joy in her during these twilight years of her life.

I totally agree that I need to find a balance with my husband. The thing is , his mother is adamant that she does not want to go into a retirement home. I have a feeling it’s because she wants to hold on to her money. And my sister in law isn’t on board with it either. I feel she’s being self-righteous and doesn’t want to go against the mom’s wishes, even though it would be in her best interest. If ties don’t get cut, then I would totally support my kid seeing her. However, if she stays put where she is right now, that is over 1,500 miles away.

 

[Xantippe]

I totally agree that I need to find a balance with my husband. The thing is , his mother is adamant that she does not want to go into a retirement home. I have a feeling it’s because she wants to hold on to her money. And my sister in law isn’t on board with it either. I feel she’s being self-righteous and doesn’t want to go against the mom’s wishes, even though it would be in her best interest. If ties don’t get cut, then I would totally support my kid seeing her. However, if she stays put where she is right now, that is over 1,500 miles away.

How about mom uses her mommy to pay for her to be taken care of then?

(I realize this is going to be a tough sell, but for crying out loud, what is money for, if not to ensure a comfortable old age.)

 

[DoxieMama]

How about mom uses her mommy to pay for her to be taken care of then?

(I realize this is going to be a tough sell, but for crying out loud, what is money for, if not to ensure a comfortable old age.)

That made me chuckle, because I totally agree, lol! Thing is, I think she feels that she’s fine living with one of her kids. She told my husband she just sits there and watches TV. She doesn’t think she needs care, and she loves to shop and gamble. She’s being stubborn, and I believe, a bit greedy.:dts:

 

[Xantippe]

That made me chuckle, because I totally agree, lol! Thing is, I think she feels that she’s fine living with one of her kids. She told my husband she just sits there and watches TV. She doesn’t think she needs care, and she loves to shop and gamble. She’s being stubborn, and I believe, a bit greedy.:dts:

Sorry–I did not catch the typo, but you understood me. Mom ought to use her money to take care of mom.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I know family relationship struggles are so hard! I’m sorry you’re going through this.

But, sweetheart, please let your husband handle his family.

Don’t try to decide, for him, what he should do. After all, you didn’t marry an idiot, right?

From just what you’ve said here, he sounds quite capable! He knows what is at stake here, and it sounds like he’s willing to make that sacrifice for you if he feels it’s necessary. LET HIM decide whether it’s necessary. LET HIM love you and protect you! If he decides to cut ties with his mom over this (or is willing to let his mom cut ties), then trust him that he knows what he is doing. Respect his decision and appreciate that he wants to protect you and take care of you.

He sounds like a great husband. Trust him to do what is best.

Will pray for you.

 

[Sunbreak]

I don’t think you have any obligation to take care of someone who has the resources to take care of themselves. And if the sister in law is happy to have the mother there, then she has a place to stay. That she has a preference to live in your area really is not your concern. Don’t let the sister in law guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think you have any obligation to take care of someone who has the resources to take care of themselves. And if the sister in law is happy to have the mother there, then she has a place to stay. That she has a preference to live in your area really is not your concern. Don’t let the sister in law guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.

Right. If everything is so peachy, why can’t she stay with the sister in law?
They KNOW she’s a problem and she’s THEIR mother! Sad.
Let THEM explain why they are sending her away. It’s not up to you.
Here’s hoping hubs lays down the law.

 

[DoxieMama]

Thanks everyone! The thing is, my husband has been very passive with his family the whole time we’ve been together.
I feel like I had to force him to start to lay down the law. He did get sad seeing how unhappy I am, and he is now showing me I’m his priority.
But, this isn’t easy for him. I know he would be crushed if he was cut off from his family. But, I understand the advice that he should take care of it and not me.
For now, the plan is letting MIL stay with us from mid-June through the end of August, as was originally planned. I feel I would be uncharitable if I all of a sudden said she can’t stay here. This has been planned for months.
But my husband did tell my SIL last night that for the long-term, this back and forth arrangement isn’t going to work for us, and she’s better staying elsewhere.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks everyone! The thing is, my husband has been very passive with his family the whole time we’ve been together.
I feel like I had to force him to start to lay down the law. He did get sad seeing how unhappy I am, and he is now showing me I’m his priority.
But, this isn’t easy for him. I know he would be crushed if he was cut off from his family. But, I understand the advice that he should take care of it and not me.
For now, the plan is letting MIL stay with us from mid-June through the end of August, as was originally planned. I feel I would be uncharitable if I all of a sudden said she can’t stay here. This has been planned for months.
But my husband did tell my SIL last night that for the long-term, this back and forth arrangement isn’t going to work for us, and she’s better staying elsewhere.

Good.
No one is advocating cutting mom off, nor the sisters.
It’s a simple question: Can mom stay with you guys several months a year?
No. Lets get together with mom and see what can be done so you ALSO don’t have the sole responsibility.
As I said before…ask around at the parish or the mother’s church. Those folks know all about the various options in their area. And real life customers will give her the real scoop. There’s bound to be a place that will suit,
I get the sense that nothing will change though. Adult children really feel guilt pangs when it come to the parents who raised them. Be aware though, that if she develops dementia…she may have to go somewhere else, for her own safety and treatment.
Good luck.

 

[slh3016]

I’m sorry if you already answered this but I didn’t see it in my quick scroll through all the replies.

But, why is your MIL living with her children? How old is she? Is she suffering from illness or dementia or some other reason as to why she shouldn’t be alone? Otherwise, I’m not understanding why she is allowing herself to be a burden to your husband or his sisters

Could she rent a small apartment close to you that would maintain your privacy and mental health but allows her to have family nearby in case of emergency? In that case, she’d still get to live in the area she prefers. If she is able to gamble with her money, seems to me that she is being selfish by not trying to support herself financially and emotionally. She is living rent-free presumably between her kids to have her casino money

Are you and your husband and his two sisters able to contribute financially to the rent if need be?

 

[DoxieMama]

I’m sorry if you already answered this but I didn’t see it in my quick scroll through all the replies.

But, why is your MIL living with her children? How old is she? Is she suffering from illness or dementia or some other reason as to why she shouldn’t be alone? Otherwise, I’m not understanding why she is allowing herself to be a burden to your husband or his sisters

Could she rent a small apartment close to you that would maintain your privacy and mental health but allows her to have family nearby in case of emergency? In that case, she’d still get to live in the area she prefers. If she is able to gamble with her money, seems to me that she is being selfish by not trying to support herself financially and emotionally. She is living rent-free presumably between her kids to have her casino money

Are you and your husband and his two sisters able to contribute financially to the rent if need be?

It’s a bit complicated. She has never been good with money, so while my husband was still living in the family home, he was expected to contribute financially so the family house wouldn’t get taken. Then he and I got a house. My SIL and her husband and kids continued to live with my MIL. Over the years, her health has declined and it’s been more so in the past couple years that her memory is getting worse. So, it went from MIL letting adult kids stay with her, to her needing to be supported. She is in her early seventies.
I feel she can’t live on her own if she’s leaving the stove on all the time, etc. As far as her living in a retirement community, I honestly think she wants to hold on to her money so she can gamble, shop, etc. Her mismanagement of money almost cost them to lose the family home (which has since been sold). I do think the kids are afraid to hurt her feelings. I feel she’s being selfish. Also, she receives retirement money, etc, so she could afford it by herself.