Putting up with in-laws

[DoxieMama]

I read the most recent posts and will try to reply to them as best I can. Thankfully, my husband and I do not have to pay my MIL’s bills. I don’t know what her understanding of finances are, but the good thing is that she does contribute financially. She mainly buys the groceries, which we let her know is much appreciated. However, she has credit cards at department stores that she likes to ring up, and I have a feeling she may be in some debt.
When she goes to the casino, I’m not sure whether she sets limits for herself. On the bright side, she has won many times.
I do need to look into a security system. Thanks! I’ve even thought of getting her one of those medical alert buttons where she can press if she has an emergency.

As far as cooking, I can’t take that away from her. It’s true, it’s part of her. But, I do feel I need to educate her on proper hygiene practices, which she hates. But, when I ask her to wash her hands, she accuses me of treating her like a child. But, I try to explain to her it’s dangerous and I don’t want anyone getting sick.

I know that she’s swearing at me under her breath. I have started to figure out the swear words, and my husband laughs sometimes, and that makes me know she’s swearing.

I think I maybe need to give her and I a chance, to see how things go. My anxiety is not as bad as it was last time she was here. I need to try to be more charitable to her, and assess where she is mentally and physically. I do feel like it’s different because she’s not my mom, and there is a huge cultural difference.

I agree I need to show love. However, I also need to take care of my mental health, which affects my little girl if I don’t take care of myself. Please pray for me to have more charity and love toward my in-laws and for our family to have peace, even if it’s decided it would be best for her to no longer stay with us.

Please pray for us!

 

[slh3016]

I know that she’s swearing at me under her breath. I have started to figure out the swear words, and **my husband laughs sometimes, and that makes me know she’s swearing. **

OKAY, now ^^^^^^^ is totally unacceptable. If she is cursing you under her breath and your husband fully understands what she is saying and laughs, then you have far bigger problems than just your mother-in-law. Under NO circumstances should he EVER allow her to be disrespectful of you, especially when she is YOUR guest.

Now, if she’s just cursing in general, that’s not cursing YOU, but is maybe just cursing herself or her station in life You need to have a candid talk with your husband about what his mother is saying/muttering.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I read the most recent posts and will try to reply to them as best I can. Thankfully, my husband and I do not have to pay my MIL’s bills. I don’t know what her understanding of finances are, but the good thing is that she does contribute financially. She mainly buys the groceries, which we let her know is much appreciated. However, she has credit cards at department stores that she likes to ring up, and I have a feeling she may be in some debt.
When she goes to the casino, I’m not sure whether she sets limits for herself. On the bright side, she has won many times.
I do need to look into a security system. Thanks! I’ve even thought of getting her one of those medical alert buttons where she can press if she has an emergency.

As far as cooking, I can’t take that away from her. It’s true, it’s part of her. But, I do feel I need to educate her on proper hygiene practices, which she hates. But, when I ask her to wash her hands, she accuses me of treating her like a child. But, I try to explain to her it’s dangerous and I don’t want anyone getting sick.

I know that she’s swearing at me under her breath. I have started to figure out the swear words, and my husband laughs sometimes, and that makes me know she’s swearing.

I think I maybe need to give her and I a chance, to see how things go. My anxiety is not as bad as it was last time she was here. I need to try to be more charitable to her, and assess where she is mentally and physically. I do feel like it’s different because she’s not my mom, and there is a huge cultural difference.

I agree I need to show love. However, I also need to take care of my mental health, which affects my little girl if I don’t take care of myself. Please pray for me to have more charity and love toward my in-laws and for our family to have peace, even if it’s decided it would be best for her to no longer stay with us.

Please pray for us!

For just a moment, let’s leave aside your anxiety and mental health. Not that they aren’t important–they are–but something else is even more important, or at least urgent.

Let me be blunt: if she’s cooking with raw meat, and touches something your daughter puts into her mouth (say, your daughter’s hand, or a toy) or something that someone else might touch before touching something that could end up in your daughter’s mouth (the refrigerator door handle, a drawer handle, a doorknob), or drips juice from the raw meat onto the floor and your daughter crawls through it/ingests it…your daughter could die. Salmonella and e. coli are often deadly for babies and young children. (They’re no joke for the elderly, either.) Babies and children are more easily dehydrated than adults, and their immune systems are often not at all capable of fighting that sort of thing off.

Charity is a good thing. Your daughter deserves charity, too. Telling your mother-in-law that she doesn’t get to endanger your child’s life is not being uncharitable.

For whatever it’s worth, I have some in-laws who mean well, but who simply don’t understand how dangerous raw meat is or aren’t aware of how many things they touch between messing with raw meat and washing their hands. (“Okay, I just dipped these wings in sauce before putting them in the pan, so I should wash my hands, but first I’ll just dig through the utensils drawer to get a pair of tongs, and then I’ll put the barbeque sauce back in the fridge…”)

After letting them cook a few times in my kitchen and then having to scrub down nearly every surface in the surrounding areas and clean out a drawer or three, I simply announced that from now on, they’re welcome to help themselves to cereal/snacks/cheese/fruit/vegetables and so on, but that I am the only person allowed to mess with raw meat in my house. For diplomacy’s sake, I phrased it so as to indicate that this was more for meal-planning purposes than anything else (“It’s hard for me to plan dinner if I don’t know what meat is in the fridge”), but it’s one of the few iron-clad rules I’ve stuck by with my in-laws. I have a 14-month-old in the house; I can’t babysit four other people in addition to her, and if they can’t follow basic food prep hygiene, I don’t need the worry or extra chores associated with, “Oh good gosh, they had chicken for lunch, now I have to deep-clean the kitchen and every common contact surface on the first floor.”

 

[Xantippe]

That’s true, too, to some extent, but some people are just hard to live with. Like I said in my earlier post, I really like my MIL, but I couldn’t live with her. And neither could my husband. But **both **of us would be fine living with my mother (in our home). She is very easy to get along with and not particular about anything.

I have a feeling I’m the kind of person who would be hard for my adult children to live with. So maybe I should start working on that now…

I think mother-in-law suites are an awesome invention.

Mom’s nearby, but has her own kitchenette.

 

[Xantippe]

For just a moment, let’s leave aside your anxiety and mental health. Not that they aren’t important–they are–but something else is even more important, or at least urgent.

Let me be blunt: if she’s cooking with raw meat, and touches something your daughter puts into her mouth (say, your daughter’s hand, or a toy) or something that someone else might touch before touching something that could end up in your daughter’s mouth (the refrigerator door handle, a drawer handle, a doorknob), or drips juice from the raw meat onto the floor and your daughter crawls through it/ingests it…your daughter could die. Salmonella and e. coli are often deadly for babies and young children. (They’re no joke for the elderly, either.) Babies and children are more easily dehydrated than adults, and their immune systems are often not at all capable of fighting that sort of thing off.

Charity is a good thing. Your daughter deserves charity, too. Telling your mother-in-law that she doesn’t get to endanger your child’s life is not being uncharitable.

For whatever it’s worth, I have some in-laws who mean well, but who simply don’t understand how dangerous raw meat is or aren’t aware of how many things they touch between messing with raw meat and washing their hands. (“Okay, I just dipped these wings in sauce before putting them in the pan, so I should wash my hands, but first I’ll just dig through the utensils drawer to get a pair of tongs, and then I’ll put the barbeque sauce back in the fridge…”)

After letting them cook a few times in my kitchen and then having to scrub down nearly every surface in the surrounding areas and clean out a drawer or three, I simply announced that from now on, they’re welcome to help themselves to cereal/snacks/cheese/fruit/vegetables and so on, but that I am the only person allowed to mess with raw meat in my house. For diplomacy’s sake, I phrased it so as to indicate that this was more for meal-planning purposes than anything else (“It’s hard for me to plan dinner if I don’t know what meat is in the fridge”), but it’s one of the few iron-clad rules I’ve stuck by with my in-laws. I have a 14-month-old in the house; I can’t babysit four other people in addition to her, and if they can’t follow basic food prep hygiene, I don’t need the worry or extra chores associated with, “Oh good gosh, they had chicken for lunch, now I have to deep-clean the kitchen and every common contact surface on the first floor.”

Oh, goodness, yes.

Mobile infants and small toddlers are very vulnerable to anything gastrointestinal. In developing countries, they die like flies.

(One of our big kids just finished having some sort of gastrointestinal bug with diarrhea and 105 temperature and it’s looking like the 2-year-old isn’t going to get it. Such a relief, but not to be counted on! Normally, tummy bugs go through a household like wildfire. We had a previous memorable go with rotovirus when our kids were 3 and about 10 months old, and the baby wound up in the hospital overnight with dehydration.)

 

[UbiCaritas]

I think mother-in-law suites are an awesome invention.

Mom’s nearby, but has her own kitchenette.

Yessssssss. DH and I have talked about this periodically. I like his mother, but could never live with her long-term; we’re both much too much set in our ways. However, an arrangement like this, where she and my FIL would be nearby and check-in-on-able but still very independent could work out very well indeed.

 

[pensmama87]

I think mother-in-law suites are an awesome invention.

Mom’s nearby, but has her own kitchenette.

I think this is very good for any long-term houseguests, really.

My grandparents recently converted the third space in their three-car garage to such a suite (though in their case it’s for my grandfather’s sister and her husband when they come for the summer, or, as my grandma noted, if they have to have a live-in care provider at some point.) They are in their 80s and still incredibly independent, thank God, but they do think ahead, and no longer need the space for the various farm equipment that used to occupy that garage space…because they built another shed closer to that land (with two doors on either side so they can just drive right in and drive right out! )

 

[DoxieMama]

My daughter is 7. My husband and my therapist have pointed out that my MIL hasn’t made anyone sick yet, which is a good point. Believe me though, I do understand the dangers of illness, and that’s why I’m concerned.

I wonder if I should tell her that I do not want her cooking chicken or pork. Or that if she does, I have every right to supervise her to make sure she’s doing the right thing. She has an aunt nearby who she could go cook at her house.

Is this reasonable or would these requests seem overkill or mean?

 

[pensmama87]

My daughter is 7. My husband and my therapist have pointed out that my MIL hasn’t made anyone sick yet, which is a good point. Believe me though, I do understand the dangers of illness, and that’s why I’m concerned.

I wonder if I should tell her that I do not want her cooking chicken or pork. Or that if she does, I have every right to supervise her to make sure she’s doing the right thing. She has an aunt nearby who she could go cook at her house.

Is this reasonable or would these requests seem overkill or mean?

I grew up eating raw cake batter, cookie dough, etc and never once got sick. Doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, though - just that either my immune system was resilient enough or we never had contaminated eggs.

Or you’re able to keep up well enough with cleaning and may be extra particular when she’s there because you know there’s a greater chance of cross-contamination.

I don’t think it’s mean or overkill to tell her she can’t cook. Your house, your rules. Normal houseguests would not and should not feel comfortable overriding the wishes of their hosts.

 

[pianistclare]

Right.

I have one of those mumbling-in-foreign language (that I understand some of) issues. My husband occasionally translates for me, which has probably been a mistake, as it’s always uncomplimentary. No one ever mumbles under their breath, “Thank you, Jesus, for giving me this pearl of daughter-in-law that has made my old age a blessing!”

Right.
I’ve been waffling back and forth.
Seems the situation is bad for the OP because of her personal issues.
Clearly MIL has personal issues.
Seems like both of them could stand a dose of charity towards each other.
Pity each one can’t see the blessing in each other.

Prayer, I think…intense prayers, maybe a visit with the priest for guidance.
But it’s also not fair to think that one solitary sister should bear the entire job of watching mom. Since no one seems to want to care for the woman, I still go back to:
*get her an efficiency apartment that she can pay for herself
*hire a caregiver that all of the adult kids can chip in for.

At least on the last day they can all say they had respect for the mother and did the best they could to keep her in their lives, and safe.

 

[DoxieMama]

Seems like both of them could stand a dose of charity towards each other.
Pity each one can’t see the blessing in each other.
.

I agree with the charity part, but not seeing the blessing in each other seems a bit unfair. I do see her as a blessing, but that doesn’t mean I should just let her walk all over me and disrespect me in my own house.
I feel I have a right to take care of myself and my child , especially if I feel unequipped to handle these stresses. Also, there are 2 other sisters, not 1.

 

[kptrs]

OKAY, now ^^^^^^^ is totally unacceptable. If she is cursing you under her breath and your husband fully understands what she is saying and laughs, then you have far bigger problems than just your mother-in-law. Under NO circumstances should he EVER allow her to be disrespectful of you, especially when she is YOUR guest.

Now, if she’s just cursing in general, that’s not cursing YOU, but is maybe just cursing herself or her station in life You need to have a candid talk with your husband about what his mother is saying/muttering.

Oh, yeah, that’s unacceptable. If she’s directly swearing at you and he’s laughing, he is disrespecting you just as much as she is. Not only is he not sticking up for you, he’s essentially participating in the insult. Not good.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree with the charity part, but not seeing the blessing in each other seems a bit unfair. I do see her as a blessing, but that doesn’t mean I should just let her walk all over me and disrespect me in my own house.
I feel I have a right to take care of myself and my child , especially if I feel unequipped to handle these stresses. Also, there are 2 other sisters, not 1.

Two others? Then they definitely should share.
It’s not fair…hmmm…when is life fair? And what is fair?
Who said anything ever, about letting her walk all over you?
Who said anything about not protecting your child?
Who said anything about not getting help?
Those are your words, not ours. You asked for suggestions. there are lots here. But being angry about the situation doesn’t help either of you.

We should handle all situations with the least drama, the least anger, and the most prayers.
Praying for a good resolution to this problem. Maybe the sisters will come through.
You never know. Your hubs just needs to figure it out with them all together. He can protect your interests while still asking everyone to do their “fair” share. Right?

 

[DoxieMama]

I do admit my husband should not be laughing at her insulting me. I think it’s an automatic reaction because sometimes she swears at stuff and it seems funny. But, yes, I will explain to him how hurtful it is for me. He’s a good guy overall, and he’s trying to support me.

 

[DoxieMama]

Those are your words, not ours. You asked fro suggestions. there are lots here. But being angry about the situation doesn’t help either of you.

We should handle all situations with the least drama, the least anger, and the most prayers.
Praying for a good resolution to this problem. Maybe the sisters will come through.
You never know. Your hubs just needs to figure it out with them all together. He can protect your interests while still asking everyone to do their “fair” share. Right?

Yes, those are MY words, not the posters, I’m just trying to explain where I’m coming from. I do appreciate the suggestions here, very much so.

Thanks for the prayers! I agree that my husband should try to get everyone on board with what would be best.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes, those are MY words, not the posters, I’m just trying to explain where I’m coming from. I do appreciate the suggestions here, very much so.

Thanks for the prayers! I agree that my husband should try to get everyone on board with what would be best.

It’s probably really hard for him.
Maybe he’s the one that needs the most prayers.
Has anyone ever said why she doesn’t just get an apartment of her own?

 

[DoxieMama]

My husband brought up the apartment idea with his mom, but I heard her tell him she doesn’t want to spend her money.

 

[kptrs]

My husband brought up the apartment idea with his mom, but I heard her tell him she doesn’t want to spend her money.

Well, maybe it’s time someone put their foot down about that. If she can afford her own place, there’s no reason not to get one. It may mean a few less trips to the mall and casino, but, hey, that’s life.

If it meant sacrificing money spent on food or medical bills, that would be an entirely different story. But based on your posts, I don’t think it is. Please correct me if I’m wrong or if I missed something.

 

[slh3016]

I do admit my husband should not be laughing at her insulting me. I think it’s an automatic reaction because sometimes she swears at stuff and it seems funny. But, yes, I will explain to him how hurtful it is for me. He’s a good guy overall, and he’s trying to support me.

The really big issue in this whole scenario is that you perceive that your MIL doesn’t respect you, your house, your rules, or your boundaries, and maybe she very well doesn’t. It seems that she trivializes you and your authority in your own household. Your husband is essentially aiding and abetting her in doing so. I mean, come on, why should she respect you if she perceives that your own husband doesn’t? His laughing validates her poor opinion of you. He needs to understand this and it needs to stop. If this has gone on for your years, he is going to have to make significant efforts to undo this and lay the groundwork for proper respect of HIS wife in YOUR home.

If she and none of the children are keen on your MIL getting her own place, then yes, as pianistclare stated, they should have to share in the responsibilities of taking care of their mom. And, unfortunately, that means you and your husband are going to have to pony-up your share. However, could your MIL rotate between the children on shorter cycles as for any one child to not have the extra burden for an extended period of time? For example, could she spend a month or 6 weeks between the kids instead of months? Four to six weeks seems like a fair amount of time before insanity totally takes over and that gives your life more overall normalcy. Maybe you could plan ahead and have plenty of freezer meals for when she is with your family so that she doesn’t feel the need to cook or handle the raw meat

Also, I totally think that your husband, his sisters and their mom need to sit down at the same place at the same time and come to an agreement regarding mom’s living situation and her finances. She’s in her early 70’s, you say, which means she could have another 20 years that she needs money for. There needs to be a candid discussion about whether or not she is financially stable enough to be able to live those 20 years comfortably without bankrupting herself or her kids. Again, what she is doing is directly impacting the financial security of her children and grandchildren. Her casino habits could cost her grandchildren their college tuition and cause them to start life out in debt or it could very well cause her own children to end up being financially dependent on her grandchildren because they spent all their money taking care of HER while she gambled it away at the casino. Does she realize this or even care?

 

[pianistclare]

She might like having her own apartment.
Frame it as a way for complete independence from meddling children.
Most cities have low cost housing programs for the elderly.