puzzled

[Monica4316]

Hi,

sorry this is another one of my threads about what I’m going through… but I don’t know what to think about this question and I’m wondering if you have any insight.

So for the past month or so, I’ve been tempted with horrible blasphemous thoughts. (based on something I read/heard once). I realized today that when I think of these words as just a memory in my mind, the temptation is much weaker or goes away because I’m not so afraid of it. However, my contrition for having these thoughts also seems to decrease. When I think of them as my own thoughts, that (even if they came from the enemy) I still somehow allowed (even if through weakness), I feel more contrition and I feel sorry for them… at the same time, I don’t feel much trust that God would forgive me cause I start worrying about the unforgiveable sin. When I think of them as mere memories, I start worrying about the unforgiveable sin too because I start wondering if the Holy Spirit is no longer giving me contrition/repentance.

However, at all these times I know I dont want these thoughts, and I disagree with them, even if they’re just memories, I don’t want to think these words but to forget them. Does that mean anything?

I think the devil has been really confusing me for the past month… so at this point I’m not really sure what to think.

If I just had a lot of contrition while seeing the thoughts as memories, I wouldn’t be worried anymore I think… but I don’t know if that’s possible, because it’s not a sin to remember something if you can’t help it (except that I could??)

lol I am confused

does anyone have any ideas on what I could do?

 

[GraceAndTruth]

Oh dont be sorry, we all go through these spiritual battles!

One way that helped me was reading scripture and citing scripture over and over until the thought left me… Also, saying the Our Father and etc…

In the past years as I have began to really read and study scripture, I have found many of my fears released and my faith in God has dramatically increased! “Faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God.”

Satan will always tempt us, but our faith in Christ is what he cant not stand against…

So keep trusting the Lord Jesus and know that He had defeated the evil one and you are safe with Him!

I would not worry that this is a sin, I would not think so. More of evil forbodings and temptations… Read about the temptation of the Lord in the desert…

Hope I could help some!

Christ grace and peace be with you!

 

[baltobetsy]

Monica, the fact that you do not consent to these thoughts makes contrition unnecessary. They are either temptations or manifestations of an illness, neither of which is a sin which needs to be repented.

What to do? Ignore them and move on or get your illness treated. The devil is surely enjoying all the drama. Don’t give it to him. Turn your back on the whole mess.

Betsy

 

[JaredR]

I agree with Betsy. It sounds like you are labeling your thoughts as sins when they aren’t. The thoughts themselves are not sins, though their content is a lie. You would only be sinning if you were willing them and consenting to them. Have you considered the possibility that when you don’t feel contrition for detaching from these thoughts, it’s because you are actually not offending God?

 

[Southerncross]

Hi,

sorry this is another one of my threads about what I’m going through… but I don’t know what to think about this question and I’m wondering if you have any insight.

So for the past month or so, I’ve been tempted with horrible blasphemous thoughts. (based on something I read/heard once). I realized today that when I think of these words as just a memory in my mind, the temptation is much weaker or goes away because I’m not so afraid of it. However, my contrition for having these thoughts also seems to decrease. When I think of them as my own thoughts, that (even if they came from the enemy) I still somehow allowed (even if through weakness), I feel more contrition and I feel sorry for them… at the same time, I don’t feel much trust that God would forgive me cause I start worrying about the unforgiveable sin. When I think of them as mere memories, I start worrying about the unforgiveable sin too because I start wondering if the Holy Spirit is no longer giving me contrition/repentance.

Hey Lady - these things don`t sound much like sins to me but rather some form of spiritual attack - find a good holy priest & place yourself under his direction . For every poison that Satan spits out God provides an antidote - the worst thing you can do is worry - it distracts you from serving God . May I offer two things for your consideration ? The first - what you are experiencing is not uncommon - you are not alone . The second is that indeed you are not alone , you may find that you have many praying for you & remembering you in their Masses . When I was young the confessionals all had the letters PAX ( peace ) in large letters on the outside .
[SIGN]Pax et Bonum[/SIGN]

 

[InLight247]

Obviously the devil is trying to confuse you, so do not allow yourself be confused. You don’t need the same contrition once those bad thoughts fade away in your memory. A good way to get rid of bad thoughts is to replace them with good thoughts. Read some Saints’ work will help, for example, the Story of a Soul. Even you have read them before, read again. When we soak ourselves with good, pure, noble, loving thoughts, they will override the bad thoughts. The more we dwell on love and purity, the less chance the bad thoughts can surface. I hope it helps.

And keep in mind, God’s mercy is way beyond our imagination. Be at peace.

 

[Bookcat]

If one is not sinning in a particular way…well one does not need to repent in a particular way And keep in mind the advice I posted before…do not fear them…do not consent…but do not fear them…

(and of course forget about worrying about the “sin against the Holy Spirit” …dismiss THAT as a temptation or annoying thought that has nothing to do with what you are going through…)

just treat them all like a barking dog…and pass them by…one does not stop to argue with a barking dog…one passes it by…

 

[Bookcat]

This is advice …written as if Jesus was writing it …and it applies to the kind of thoughts you have been experiencing…unwanted ones…(he refers to those of Blaphemy or impure thoughts)

It is from the great Carthusian Monk Joannes Lanspergius in the 16th Century. He was a Spiritual writer…and can be very much trusted…and the Carthusians are one of the most strict Orders in the Catholic Church…

"If bad thoughts as it often happens, do at some time enter your mind against me and my saints or else that you be tempted with blasphemy and rebellious thoughts, let it never again trouble you, or make you faint-hearted.

Neither be perplexed (worried) in your mind how to confess any such thing as long as you do not with advised (knowledge) and deliberate consent yield to them.

…fear and faint-heartedness very quickly puts into a mans mind …what he fears…

…do not regard them, do not fear them, do not answer them, do not resist them, do not observe them but go forward in your Godly devotion and holy exercise as though you felt nothing and as though your mind was troubled with nothing and pass over them like a barking dog or a hissing goose, which a man will not answer or argue with but will only pass by and laugh at. In doing so you will avoid them and forget them.

But if you try to resist them, to argue with them, to fear them, to look at them, to try to remove them they will be more in your mind with more distress. For these tempations are not vanquished by fighting with them but by despising them." Epistle of Jesus Christ

 

[Monica4316]

Thank you everyone…

This morning, I felt that I was definitely lost for all eternity… I prayed very hard to Our Lady and then was shown something about myself…I sin by coming back to those temptations. If I loved God more, if I had more of a resolve to not sin, I would have not returned to temptation so easily…I would have dismissed it right away. I also felt that I presumed God’s mercy, because I assumed that if I fall, He would forgive me, but I used my weakness as an excuse… I think it’s only real repentance if I make a very definite resolution to not sin again and fear offending God. I feel SO horrible because God gave me so much, and I know the truth, but I still yielded to those temptatations and in a strange way, encouraged them (by returning to them, even if out of fear)… after I realized all this, i felt peace, but now I feel this horrible anxiety inside again.

I’m going through probably the worst suffering I’ve ever experienced right now… I feel horrible for having offended God in this way and not having a strong enough resolution to not sin, not loving Him enough… at the same time, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep my new resolution… the pain and anguish I feel inside is very strong and I’m near despair. I’m also very afraid that God already doesn’t want to forgive me and I’ll go to hell for blasphemy, or encouraging blasphemy… but I am repentant, and I hope He will forgive me. What scares me is I read about Voltaire, who apparently repented when he was dying but wasn’t forgiven. I woke up this morning worrying that I’m in the same situation… I look back on all the times i was close to God in the past, and I feel that I’ve fallen so low since then.

I’m in a lot of pain right now and if anyone could say a prayer for me, I’d really appreciate that… I want to receive the Eucharist but I’m so afraid. I need so much to experience God’s mercy…I’m afraid this is it for me.

 

[Bookcat]

Thank you everyone…

This morning, I felt that I was definitely lost for all eternity… I prayed very hard to Our Lady and then was shown something about myself…I sin by coming back to those temptations. If I loved God more, if I had more of a resolve to not sin, I would have not returned to temptation so easily…I would have dismissed it right away. I also felt that I presumed God’s mercy, because I assumed that if I fall, He would forgive me, but I used my weakness as an excuse… I think it’s only real repentance if I make a very definite resolution to not sin again and fear offending God. I feel SO horrible because God gave me so much, and I know the truth, but I still yielded to those temptatations and in a strange way, encouraged them (by returning to them, even if out of fear)… after I realized all this, i felt peace, but now I feel this horrible anxiety inside again.

I’m going through probably the worst suffering I’ve ever experienced right now… I feel horrible for having offended God in this way and not having a strong enough resolution to not sin, not loving Him enough… at the same time, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep my new resolution… the pain and anguish I feel inside is very strong and I’m near despair. I’m also very afraid that God already doesn’t want to forgive me and I’ll go to hell for blasphemy, or encouraging blasphemy… but I am repentant, and I hope He will forgive me. What scares me is I read about Voltaire, who apparently repented when he was dying but wasn’t forgiven. I woke up this morning worrying that I’m in the same situation… I look back on all the times i was close to God in the past, and I feel that I’ve fallen so low since then.

I’m in a lot of pain right now and if anyone could say a prayer for me, I’d really appreciate that… I want to receive the Eucharist but I’m so afraid. I need so much to experience God’s mercy…I’m afraid this is it for me.

Monica Monica Monica…

Jesus loves you.

Please set all this aside. Go see your priest today in Confession…perhaps even outside of confession time…only confess though your sins…but tell him your fears and worries (being a brief as you can)…let him put you at ease.

Jesus Christ the Son of God loves you.

You are getting tied up in knots… please go and place all this in the heart of Jesus…bring him your burdens…and listen to your confessor…you need to lay aside these fears…and the fear of not laying them aside!!!

Jesus the Good Shepherd loves you…you are his little sheep.

 

[InLight247]

Monica, if you feel so miserable and unsettling, why don’t you go to confession and talk to the priest? God’s presence and grace is so intense in the confessional. You will experience God’s love and feel much better afterwards. I prayed for you. God bless!

 

[Monica4316]

thank you…

I made a firm resolution to not put myself into temptation again. It used to be that I had no choice… now for some reason I do. So I don’t want to offend God by putting myself into temptation, that’s a big sin in itself.

Okay I know this doesn’t compare…I’m not even close to the Saints, quite the opposite i’m a great sinner. (and while their suffering came from holiness, mine is probably from sinfulness). But when I read how St Faustina described her trial, I saw that mine feels similarly. I worry saying this because I don’t want to imply that I’m like her at all. But I think it just describes it so well… I will speak to my spiritual director about what I’m going through and hopefully he will tell me what is going on in my situation.

"Temptations and darkness; Satan. The soul’s love [for God] is still not such as God would have it. The soul suddenly loses the tangible perception of God’s presence. Various defects and imperfections rise up within it, and it must fight them furiously. All her faults lift up their heads, but the soul’s vigilance is great. The former awareness of the presence of God gives place to coldness and spiritual dryness; the soul has no taste for spiritual exercises; it cannot pray, either in the old way, or in the manner in which it had just begun to pray. It struggles this way and that, but can find no satisfaction. God has hidden himself from it, and it can find no consolation in creatures, nor can any of these creatures find a way of consoling it. The soul craves passionately for God, but sees its own misery; it begins to sense God’s justice; it seems to it that it has lost all the gifts that God had given it; its mind is dimmed, and darkness fills it; unspeakable torment begins. The soul tries to explain its state to the confessor, but it is not understood and is assailed by an even greater unrest. Satan begins his work.

Faith staggers under the impact; the struggle is fierce. The soul tries hard to cling to God by an act of will. With God’s permission, Satan goes even further: hope and love are put to the test. These temptations are terrible. God supports the soul in secret, so to speak. The soul is not aware of this, but otherwise it would be impossible to stand firm; and God knows very well how much He can allow to befall a soul. The soul is tempted to unbelief in respect to revealed truths and to insincerity toward the confessor. Satan says to it, “Look, no one understands you; why speak about all this?” Words that terrify it sound in its ears, and it seems to the soul that it is uttering these against God. It sees what it does not want to see. It hears what it does not want to hear. And, oh, it is a terrible thing at times like these not to have an experienced confessor! The soul carries the whole burden alone. However, one should make every effort to find, if it is at all possible, a well-informed confessor, for the soul can collapse under the burden and come to the very edge of the precipice. All these trials are heavy and difficult. God does not send them to a soul which has not already been admitted to a deeper intimacy with Him and which has not yet tasted the divine delights. Besides, in this God has His own plans, which for us are impenetrable. God often prepares a soul in this way for His future designs and great works. He wants to try it as pure gold is tried. But this is not yet the end of the testing; there is still the trial of trials, the complete abandonment of the soul by God.

When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly calling upon God, “Save me, I am perishing!” And it is still able to fight on.

At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a precipice.

 

[Monica4316]

The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her-for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.

If God wishes to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner. From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul’s suffering, mocking it: “Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are in our power!” But Satan has only as much influence over the soul as God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. “What have you gotten out of your mortifications,” says Satan, “and out of your fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected by God!” This word, rejected, becomes a fire which penetrates every nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces right through her entire being. The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere. It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I have no words. This is the agony of the soul.

When for the first time this moment was drawing near, I was snatched from it by virtue of holy obedience. The Directress of Novices, alarmed by my appearance, sent me off to confession, but the confessor did not understand me, and I experienced no relief whatsoever. O Jesus, give us experienced priests!

When I told this priest I was undergoing infernal tortures, he answered that he was not worried about my soul, because he saw in it a great grace of God. But I understood nothing of this, and not even the least glimmer of light broke through to my soul.

Then my physical strength began to fail me, and I could no longer carry out my duties. Nor could I any longer hide my sufferings. Although I did not say a word about them, the look of pain on my face betrayed me. The Superior told me that the sisters had come to her saying that, when they look at me in the chapel, they are moved to pity because I look so terrible. Yet, despite all efforts, the soul is unable to conceal such suffering."

again, I don’t want to imply I’m going through the “dark night of the soul”. Even if I was, that is not for me to judge, but for my spiritual director. However, when I read this I agree with it… the suffering is unbearable but the soul still somehow bears it… God is very good and never gives us more than we can handle

 

[InLight247]

again, I don’t want to imply I’m going through the “dark night of the soul”. Even if I was, that is not for me to judge, but for my spiritual director. However, when I read this I agree with it… the suffering is unbearable but the soul still somehow bears it… God is very good and never gives us more than we can handle.

Then make an appointment with your SD, ASAP.
I pray your test will be soon eased.

 

[Bookcat]

We can not avoid all temptations…all are tempted by one thing or another…but we need to distinguish between having temptations happen and actually committing a sin.

the fact that these various thoughts come to you does not mean that you sinned…

but yes…see your confessor and or spiritual director to help with this…

 

[GraceAndTruth]

Dear sister,

What do you feel is brining on this torment? Your thoughts or past sins, present sins,etc?
Any feelings of this sort are surely Satan trying to attack us in our weakness…

I went through a almost exact experience as you are describing years ago over an abusive realtionship that went even worse and over the own sorrow of my sins…
NOTHING helped me. I was tormented day and night with constant fear and troubling thoughts… I felt as if my soul was dying and that I would never be the same… Darkness all around me is all I ever felt. There were times when I would feel the light, but mostly darkness… The only way I could describe in my own words and the feeling I had inside is - this had to be a glimpse of hell! I felt as if the love of God was no where for me to find, that I had went to far to find it again… Oh - it was agony!! Despair! I prayed, prayed, said the Rosary (but I must give much credit to the Rosary I began to understand much clearer the sufferings of Christ and how we share in them the) , over and over, I went to adoration over and over… I even bought the diary of Sister Faustina and still nothing eased me. Nothing seemed to bring any comfort to me… And then eventually, God in His great mercy gradually gave me some hope and I began to feel normal again little by little, but never completely normal… And by the grace of God I began to realized that all the praying I did and the feeling of abandonment from God was not God, He had been with me the whole time, it was me and my misunderstanding of Him and His grace… My ignorance of Him… Knowledge can make a whole world of difference… But I was still under His grace…
This is your quote: I am not sure yet how to quote on this forum -
’
When I told this priest I was undergoing infernal tortures, he answered that he was not worried about my soul, because he saw in it a great grace of God. But I understood nothing of this, and not even the least glimmer of light broke through to my soul. ’

Here is your answer, what your confessor told you, “HE SAW IN IT A GREAT GRACE OF GOD.” Oh how right your confessor is!!! This battle you are fighting is a faith fight with Satan… If you are a lover of Christ and believe in Him you are under the grace of God… God his allowing you to be built up in faith…

After some time when I began to feel normal again. I started reading scripture… A priest said something one day at mass quoted by St, Jerome, “that those ignorant of scripture, are ignorant of Christ.” And I was… The way that hit me, was as if God was saying it directly to me…
So I began to read it, and it was like greek to me. I put it down for a while, then time to time I would pick it up, and then someone told me that we must pray to the Holy Spirit because he is our helper and helps us to see the truth. So I did and I prayed and prayed and with all my heart wanted to understand the scriptures. God is good - he answered that prayer, and the more I read the more I wanted to read. The more I understood so much of what I thought was not, and began to feel as if I knew Christ in the most personal way. Is like this, how can we know someone really, if we dont read what they wrote to us about themselves which in turn helps you in your prayer life… When I would really study the gospels, I would picture in my mind exactly the image of what I could understand that was going on. Like reading a novel… I can tell you with 100% honesty that nothing else helped me like this and praying for the help of the Holy Spirit and the saints in heaven…

So dear friend, we are under the grace of God when we believe. He saves us, not ourselves. Our sins are terrible, but He is the loving Father who loves us and does not want to see us left in the trappings of our sins! He gave us Jesus so we could be forgiven and receive His Spirit to help us come to peace with God in our knowledge of Him… Satan is the liar of all lies , and “he has come to steal, kill, and destroy.” He has. But we are safe in Christ and under the grace of God, just believe this dear and Satan will flee… Read your scriptures, so that your can understand the grace of God as your priest was trying to tell you. Little by little God reveals himself… Be patient and trust in Him…
He loves you and wants you to know Him this way - He will always bring something good out of our suffering. And to know Him as He desires us too is all worth it! The more we know Christ the more we understand our sins, and we begin to see sin as He does and are able to live in holiness and not sin more and more because His grace is saving us and helping us to see!

God bless you and Christ peace be with you!

 

[Monica4316]

Thank you for the reply

the quote is from St Faustina’s diary, but my own priest told me something similar, he told me not to worry about this and that this isn’t necessarily a sin if I don’t want it… and i don’t want it.

I received the Eucharist today… I didn’t feel like many times before, - when I experienced a lot of love and joy in the Eucharist… but I feel that Jesus did give me a great desire to love Him and to not sin… to not have these thoughts anymore and not allow myself to be in temptation if I can help it. I also feel I should trust in His mercy and receive the Eucharist as often as possible, and also receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation often to keep my soul clean. I think if I do all this, I’ll eventually overcome this.

It’s better now… I feel that the temptations are more ‘external’ now, rather than internal… and whenever I turn away from them and turn to God, and intend to love Him, they go away. It’s easier to deal with now and the Eucharist has given me strength. Sometimes I get this fear, what if I’m lost, and Jesus didn’t forgive me, etc, but that’s another temptation and in my heart I feel it is not so. I just need to keep on refusing temptation, praying, trying to love Him, repenting of sin, and receiving the Sacraments often. In other words… working out my salvation I’m praying to God that He will save me…

thank you once more for all your help

God bless!

 

[Bookcat]

Thank you for the reply

the quote is from St Faustina’s diary, but my own priest told me something similar, he told me not to worry about this and that this isn’t necessarily a sin if I don’t want it… and i don’t want it.

I received the Eucharist today… I didn’t feel like many times before, - when I experienced a lot of love and joy in the Eucharist… but I feel that Jesus did give me a great desire to love Him and to not sin… to not have these thoughts anymore and not allow myself to be in temptation if I can help it. I also feel I should trust in His mercy and receive the Eucharist as often as possible, and also receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation often to keep my soul clean. I think if I do all this, I’ll eventually overcome this.

It’s better now… I feel that the temptations are more ‘external’ now, rather than internal… and whenever I turn away from them and turn to God, and intend to love Him, they go away. It’s easier to deal with now and the Eucharist has given me strength. Sometimes I get this fear, what if I’m lost, and Jesus didn’t forgive me, etc, but that’s another temptation and in my heart I feel it is not so. I just need to keep on refusing temptation, praying, trying to love Him, repenting of sin, and receiving the Sacraments often. In other words… working out my salvation I’m praying to God that He will save me…

thank you once more for all your help

God bless!

Also keep in mind that a temptation does not mean one has sinned…even if it is internal!

And these annoying thoughts can even be just that …annoying thoughts…not even temptations…

And keep your focus on Christ…forget about if you feel or do not feel …just love (with or without feeling it). Feelings by nature can run away when you look for them

and remember too…those who are “In Christ” are saints! They are holy…they are Christians…remember this well…and fear not!

(only a mortal sin can change that…and that has to be with full knowledge and complete consent…with deliberate consent! …no annoying re-occuring thoughts that one does not want…does not consent to deliberately…completely… can change the fact that one is a saint…no matter what those thoughts happen to be or how long or how vivid!..)

those who are “In Christ” are saints!

Remember

Keep your eyes on Christ and off of your feelings…

 

[Monica4316]

I’m trying to always love Him sometimes I get afraid and the thoughts come back in my mind and distract me… but I’m trying to just forget about them and focus on Jesus.

 

[Bookcat]

I’m trying to always love Him sometimes I get afraid and the thoughts come back in my mind and distract me… but I’m trying to just forget about them and focus on Jesus.