Quarelling Aunts- What should be done?

[Allegra]

My aunts have been engaging in a sequence of behavior that can only be called a fued. They can’t be around each other for any length of time. They can’t enjoy family functions. They bicker at each other on public online forums. They both consider their side of the issue at hand to be with-out-a-doubt the only moral position to hold. To hold the opposite position is immoral, irresponsible, abusive to children, and should be illegal. In my oppinion, the question at hand is a matter of preference and prudence and not even remotely a moral question. I’m not aware of any court or religious body that has ever taken a stand one way or another. So, my question is, should I say something. I feel like saying, “You two are sisters in law. You’re both grown ups. Your kids are grown ups. You did your best with the information and experience you had at the time. What’s done is done. So don’t let it ruin your lives and your family’s lives.” I think that one of my aunts would probably listen to me, while the other would probably blow me off as not being able to understand. Should I just remain silent and stare into my cranberries this holiday season?

 

[TrixieMcGee]

If you think they may listen, it may be worth a try, try talking to each once and then leave it. Be open and honest and make sure you tell them that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if it just affected them, but it affects others too. Tell them that at the very least they should agree to leave it be during family gatherings. If they refuse to listen, there is nothing you can do. It will do you no good to pursue it further after that.

 

[George_Stegmeir]

I come from a family that was famous for their family feuds, not only in this country but also in Europe. So, I know what you are talking about.
My best advise is for you to stay out of it. No matter what you say to one, the other will think you are siding against her. It is a no win situation, and all you will do is pour gasoline on a fire.
Your only course of action, is to avoid contact with them and add them to your nightly prayers. Pray that they re-gain their sanity and that they act civily toward each other.
If they contact you and say anything against the other, let them know you do not want to hear it, and if they persist, tell them that you have had enough of their nonsense and not to contact you again.
I realize that it may be difficult emotionally, but just ask yourself one question: When was the last time they put food on your table or supported you financially?

 

[Allegra]

I realize that it may be difficult emotionally, but just ask yourself one question: When was the last time they put food on your table or supported you financially?

What does that have to do with anything? Say, my one aunt put me through college. Am I obligated to take her side in this? Honestly, the issue they’re fighting over is a matter of preference and is one that most people probably will never face in their lifetime anyway. I feel horrible that they are fighting over something like this and I know it is effecting my grandmother terribly. My mom feels like she is being called on to “chose a side” in it as well.

 

[ahs]

First of all, do NOT take sides. This is their feud and they need to figure out how to handle it in a mature way. The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend may come in really handy for you right about now. If they insist on arguing publicly about it (like at the family dinner) you can either ignore it and happily eat your meal or you can let them know that if they are going to argue in front of everyone that you will not dine with them until they stop.

My brother and I were in just such a situation as your aunts are now in. After 16 months we finally cleared up all the apologies, agreed to disagree, and can relax in each others’ company. Had one of us (and I won’t point fingers ) not chosen to involve other family members…I believe we could have wrapped it up in a week or two. “Boudaries”!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What does that have to do with anything? Say, my one aunt put me through college. Am I obligated to take her side in this? Honestly, the issue they’re fighting over is a matter of preference and is one that most people probably will never face in their lifetime anyway. I feel horrible that they are fighting over something like this and I know it is effecting my grandmother terribly. My mom feels like she is being called on to “chose a side” in it as well.

Ah, the drama in families!

They may be ostensibly fighting over that issue, but if not that, it would be something else. They are not sisters, but sisters-in-law, you said. They may be 2 people who simply rub each other the wrong way, no matter what. Or, to the contrary, they may be quite alike - both opinionated and stubborn, and manipulative (trying to get others on their side).

The best thing anyone could do is ignore it completely. They are both enjoying the attention they get with this continuing drama. If the family could completely IGNORE them, they would stop their childish behavior eventually. Your mother and grandmother would have to detach completely and just keep giving them the same message, “I am not interested in this situation at all, I will talk to you some other time.” NO triangulation, that is, talking to one about the other. NO gossip, “Did you hear what X said now?” Just calm, loving detachment, “I would like to talk to you, but not about X, if you have a problem with her, you need to talk directly to her, because I am not going to gossip any more.” “I will not discuss this with you any more, call me some other time.”

It’s really the only thing that works. The fight starts to deflate when no one is watching.

 

[Allegra]

Ah, the drama in families!

They may be ostensibly fighting over that issue, but if not that, it would be something else. They are not sisters, but sisters-in-law, you said. They may be 2 people who simply rub each other the wrong way, no matter what. Or, to the contrary, they may be quite alike - both opinionated and stubborn, and manipulative (trying to get others on their side).

The best thing anyone could do is ignore it completely. They are both enjoying the attention they get with this continuing drama. If the family could completely IGNORE them, they would stop their childish behavior eventually. Your mother and grandmother would have to detach completely and just keep giving them the same message, “I am not interested in this situation at all, I will talk to you some other time.” NO triangulation, that is, talking to one about the other. NO gossip, “Did you hear what X said now?” Just calm, loving detachment, “I would like to talk to you, but not about X, if you have a problem with her, you need to talk directly to her, because I am not going to gossip any more.” “I will not discuss this with you any more, call me some other time.”

It’s really the only thing that works. The fight starts to deflate when no one is watching.

While this is great advice, I don’t think it’s going to work in our family situation. Both parties have a large online following with many people telling them that they are right and the other is a villan. No one in the family is giving them any attention other then to tell them to shut up about it. The only family members they’ve managed to get involved is one of the cousins and that’s only because his mom has him convinced that anyone who thinks like his aunt doesn’t really love him. He’s only 20. The rest are just rolling their eyes.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

While this is great advice, I don’t think it’s going to work in our family situation. Both parties have a large online following with many people telling them that they are right and the other is a villan. No one in the family is giving them any attention other then to tell them to shut up about it. The only family members they’ve managed to get involved is one of the cousins and that’s only because his mom has him convinced that anyone who thinks like his aunt doesn’t really love him. He’s only 20. The rest are just rolling their eyes.

Well, then, you can just detach from them too then. The online following is just FB friends or whatever? I thought you said your mom and grandma are being torn in half to take sides.

 

[Allegra]

Well, then, you can just detach from them too then. The online following is just FB friends or whatever? I thought you said your mom and grandma are being torn in half to take sides.

The online following includes FB friends, people who subscribe to their blogs, and other online communities. My mom and grandma are being put upon to take sides, but neither one will do it. Well, technically, my grandma took a side years ago when my aunt was three years old and she isn’t willing to argue or defend her decision to anyone five decades later. My mom doesn’t really have a dog in the fight, she just wants the fight out of her living room. She has “unfriended” them both.

 

[Sewmom]

You don’t have to take any side in this. It is not your fight. Just let them know that you love them both and let God do the rest!!! Pray for them and please pray for me.

 

[EasterJoy]

You have a side to take: the side of your own opinion, which is a third point of view in this discussion. Provided you have tested it against a rightly-formed conscience, stick with that. You also, however, ought to stick with the your own premise that a wise Christian confines their rebukes and directions for those to whom they have an obligation to rebuke and direct. Otherwise, do not offer unsoliticited advice and do not continue to offer advice to those who repay your answers with any kind of abuse. If that is your advice, you need to start by taking it yourself! That is the hard part.

Thomas Merton, the famous Trappist monk and spiritual writer, also took his turn as novice master at his monastery. He knew the difficulties that come even when one has the duty of correcting others. St Thérèse of Lisieux, also mistress of novices in her time, expressed how often she felt relief when one of the other sisters at her convent, while in need of correction, was not hers to correct. These are people devoted to spiritual perfection and presumably surrounded by others devoted to spiritual perfection. Here is one of the things Thomas Merton wrote about correcting others:

One of the first things to learn if you want to be a contemplative is how to mind your own business. Nothing is more suspicious, in a man who seems holy, than an impatient desire to reform other men. A serious obstacle to recollection is the mania for directing those you have not been appointed to direct, reforming those you have not been asked to reform, correcting those over whom you have no jurisdiction. How can you do these things and keep your mind at rest? Renounce this futile concern with other men’s affairs! Pay as little attention as you can to the faults of other people, and none at all to their natural defects and eccentricities.

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Don’t take what people say on Facebook, aimed at the entire world, as a soliticitation of advice. As nearly as I can tell, it almost never is. Rather, it is almost always a play for pity or unquestioning external validation. Don’t get into that game. You’d never get through it all, and your own interior peace would be ruined entirely in the process. Wait until your opinion is called for directly or in person, or when the request is explicitly for honest feedback. Even in that case, offer advice discretely, not on Facebook, unless you’re on a forum like this where the object of your advice can receive your advice and still remain anonymous.

 

[Allegra]

You have a side to take: the side of your own opinion, which is a third point of view in this discussion. Provided you have tested it against a rightly-formed conscience, stick with that. You also, however, ought to stick with the your own premise that a wise Christian confines their rebukes and directions for those to whom they have an obligation to rebuke and direct. Otherwise, do not offer unsoliticited advice and do not continue to offer advice to those who repay your answers with any kind of abuse. If that is your advice, you need to start by taking it yourself! That is the hard part.

Thomas Merton, the famous Trappist monk and spiritual writer, also took his turn as novice master at his monastery. He knew the difficulties that come even when one has the duty of correcting others. St Thérèse of Lisieux, also mistress of novices in her time, expressed how often she felt relief when one of the other sisters at her convent, while in need of correction, was not hers to correct. These are people devoted to spiritual perfection and presumably surrounded by others devoted to spiritual perfection. Here is one of the things Thomas Merton wrote about correcting others:

One of the first things to learn if you want to be a contemplative is how to mind your own business. Nothing is more suspicious, in a man who seems holy, than an impatient desire to reform other men. A serious obstacle to recollection is the mania for directing those you have not been appointed to direct, reforming those you have not been asked to reform, correcting those over whom you have no jurisdiction. How can you do these things and keep your mind at rest? Renounce this futile concern with other men’s affairs! Pay as little attention as you can to the faults of other people, and none at all to their natural defects and eccentricities.

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Don’t take what people say on Facebook, aimed at the entire world, as a soliticitation of advice. As nearly as I can tell, it almost never is. Rather, it is almost always a play for pity or unquestioning external validation. Don’t get into that game. You’d never get through it all, and your own interior peace would be ruined entirely in the process. Wait until your opinion is called for directly or in person, or when the request is explicitly for honest feedback. Even in that case, offer advice discretely, not on Facebook, unless you’re on a forum like this where the object of your advice can receive your advice and still remain anonymous.

I haven’t given any advice on the subject my aunts are arguing over. I really don’t strong feelings on the subject at all and I think they both have reasonable points. My only advice is to quit fighting over it, which I would only give them in person and not on FB anyway. Anyway, they don’t want my opinion on the subject. They only want me to nod in agreement with their opinion. I usually just ignore their posts unless they are family-related.

 

[EasterJoy]

I haven’t given any advice on the subject my aunts are arguing over. I really don’t strong feelings on the subject at all and I think they both have reasonable points. My only advice is to quit fighting over it, which I would only give them in person and not on FB anyway. Anyway, they don’t want my opinion on the subject. They only want me to nod in agreement with their opinion. I usually just ignore their posts unless they are family-related.

You’re spot on. Stick to your guns.

I have lots of aunts and uncles…well, not any more, because most of them have died. They eventually got over all their quarrels, though, even the I’m-not-ever-speaking-to-you-again quarrels. The best thing the family can do is to stay out of it. Then the truce takes that many fewer parties, and those quarrelling have a much easier time pretending it was nothing (which it usually was, but they don’t see that at the time).

When relatives have a quarrel, the best thing to do is to stay out of the middle of it, even if one is clearly right and the other clearly wrong but it is not directly your business. Don’t offer your opinion when you’re not asked, but when you’re asked, I think your opinion is a sound one: that is, try live and let live, ladies, but leave me out of it. When they want to get you to nod in agreement, just bite your tongue, zip your lips and keep it as straight as a mail slot. If pressed, put up your hands and say, “Don’t look at me, Aunt Jane. I don’t have a dog in this fight, and if Aunt Sally tries to drag me in, I’ll say the same thing to her.” When feuding parties succeed at the temptation towards “alliance-building”, it only prolongs these things.

Remember, these are siblings or the spouses of siblings. Their children are cousins. To some extent, they are stuck with each other. When something bursts into flames between them, just hide the gasoline, deny the oxygen, and let their feud burn itself out. If they decide not to have anything to do with each other, let them. Give them the freedom to draw their own boundaries, and keep your freedom to draw your own. That’s the best thing to do.