Question about annulment

[ATeNumquam]

OK, so I just got an email from a person I met on another message board - she is in the US, by the way.
She has been wanting to become a Catholic and started going to RCIA. She had married a divorced man who has kids from his first 3-year marriage. He does not want to become a Catholic.
When she found he’d have to get that first marriage annulled before she could join the Church, she told her step-daughter this and was really abused “because we are not bastards”, etc.
So. now she is feeling confused and resentful that she had got RCIA underway without being told about the need for that annulment and having to try and explain it as a lay person, and getting off-side with her step-daughter, which she thinks is a rift she will never repair.
Now she is going to go to the Lutherans.

What am I going to say to her? I know nothing about canon law, and I don’t have much idea what to say, or how to say it, so I’d really welcome some (name removed by moderator)ut.
I’m off to bed, BTW, so if I don’t respond for a bit, that’'s why! (Live in the other hemisphere! )

 

[1ke]

Well, first, her non-Catholic stepchildren are being melodramatic and probably have an **ulterior motive **for putting up the stink.

To educate yourself on decrees of nullity, and your friend as well, I suggest you get the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

In the meantime, the relevant canon law on the topic of legitimacy of the children of a putative marriage (a marriage that is later found to be null) is:

Can. 1137 The children conceived or born of a valid or putative marriage are legitimate.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

OK, so I just got an email from a person I met on another message board - she is in the US, by the way.
She has been wanting to become a Catholic and started going to RCIA. She had married a divorced man who has kids from his first 3-year marriage. He does not want to become a Catholic.
When she found he’d have to get that first marriage annulled before she could join the Church, she told her step-daughter this and was really abused “because we are not bastards”, etc.
So. now she is feeling confused and resentful that she had got RCIA underway without being told about the need for that annulment and having to try and explain it as a lay person, and getting off-side with her step-daughter, which she thinks is a rift she will never repair.
Now she is going to go to the Lutherans.

What am I going to say to her? I know nothing about canon law, and I don’t have much idea what to say, or how to say it, so I’d really welcome some (name removed by moderator)ut.
I’m off to bed, BTW, so if I don’t respond for a bit, that’'s why! (Live in the other hemisphere! )

I would ask if she made it clear from the beginning that she was in a Marriage to a divorced person? The law that a person cannot be married to two different people at the same time is not a “Catholic” rule, but Christ’s rule. If she wishes to become a full member of Christ’s Church, then she will need to conform to Christ’s rules.

 

[puzzleannie]

OK, so I just got an email from a person I met on another message board - she is in the US, by the way.
She has been wanting to become a Catholic and started going to RCIA. She had married a divorced man who has kids from his first 3-year marriage. He does not want to become a Catholic.
When she found he’d have to get that first marriage annulled Now she is going to go to the Lutherans.

What am I going to say to her? I know nothing about canon law, and I don’t have much idea what to say, or how to say it, so I’d really welcome some (name removed by moderator)ut.
I’m off to bed, BTW, so if I don’t respond for a bit, that’'s why! (Live in the other hemisphere! )

for one thing, you can remind her that her marriage is not the business of her children and step children, nor is her conversion, so issues at the level of annulment have no business being discussed with children

for the second thing, you can see she gets the proper info on annulment, beginning with the fact that status of children is not affected in ANY way and the children do not become bastards.

suggest she meet personally with her pastor and disclose all the details of her personal situation, because each person is unique, and what applies to another person most likely does not apply to her. Tell her to ask for a personal interview with the pastor, not a phone conversation with a parish secretary.

also refer her to threads on the liturgy and sacraments forum on annulments which contain great links for the best books and websites.

the bishop’s website has a new link to teachings on marriage, as do most diocesan websites.

you can also tell her she has every right to be upset that her parish allowed her to begin RCIA without explaining the facts on annulment, but if she did not reveal the facts of her marriage, part of the blame is hers, yet it is not too late to rectify the situation. You may also explain that the process is usually less difficult and time consuming than most people imagine, and is a healing process.

If she is becoming Lutheran it is because she rejects the authority of the Catholic Church to establish laws on marriage, not for any other reason.

 

[THurifer2]

He does not want to become a Catholic.
When she found he’d have to get that first marriage annulled before she could join the Church, she told her step-daughter this and was really abused “because we are not bastards”, etc.
So. now she is feeling confused and resentful that she had got RCIA underway without being told about the need for that annulment and having to try and explain it as a lay person, and getting off-side with her step-daughter, which she thinks is a rift she will never repair.
Now she is going to go to the Lutherans.
)

There is one CHrist and One Church and it aint the Lutheran ecclesial community.
She obviously has no idea on the priority of things…she is divulging in relativism when it comes to faith to suit her personal wants.

 

[Andy_Corder]

I would ask if she made it clear from the beginning that she was in a Marriage to a divorced person? The law that a person cannot be married to two different people at the same time is not a “Catholic” rule, but Christ’s rule. If she wishes to become a full member of Christ’s Church, then she will need to conform to Christ’s rules.

Most people from the Protestant faith that have gone through a divorce do not consider themselves “married to a divorced person.” Divorce is final, it’s over, that’s it. Therefore in their understanding, they are not married to two people at the same time. The annullment process and implications are widely misunderstood my many both inside the Catholic faith and outside the Catholic faith. I converted to the Catholic faith from the Protestant faith, and went through an annullment while going through RCIA in order to be able to have a wedding in the Church. While the process of the annullmnet was painful in the probing questions it posed, and the examination process, it was very much a cleansing experience. I believe with all my being that the annullment process has made my second marriage much stronger, because it made me realize where my shortcomings were in the first marriage.

I would ask who informed of her the need for the annullment and was there any explanation of the meaning and process? I would hope that the explanation would come from a priest or deacon who could provide some counseling on the matter from an knowledgable point of view. That would have minimized the misunderstanding on the status of the children in this case.

There are many excellent books on the subject of annullments and how they impact a new family, including the children. Pick one up for your friend and give it to her as a gift.

 

[AMDGtoo]

IMO it’s a sad thing that the proper name isn’t used (Decree of Nullity) and the secular one (anullment) is used. That alone causes the confusion. Why on earth do we think that we can compare the two when they are about two different things? (As was said, a Decree of Nullity does not affect the children (they are not made “bastards” anymore than the divorce made them “bastards”.)

A civil divorce has no bearing on Church Sacraments. The Church considers the divorced person as still married (and therefore not free to attempt marriage with another). If the previous marriage (which ended in divorce) was valid (in the Church’s eyes) then another marriage (without the Decree of Nullity) would be attempting marriage to two people at the same time.

 

[IrishAm]

Well, first, her non-Catholic stepchildren are being melodramatic and probably have an **ulterior motive **for putting up the stink.

In fairness, given the confusion on the issue by many Catholics, I can understand non-Catholic offspring perhaps believing this lie.

My own well-catechized adult daughter, following the final determination that her father and my marriage was “null from its inception,” declared, “Well, I guess we are all little bastards after all!” I think she was kidding, although I did not find it nearly as amusing as her sisters did.

 

[Andy_Corder]

Another excellent resource book on Annulments is “Annulments and the Catholic Church” by Edward Peters J.D. J.C.D. He is a canon lawyer and the book is in a question and answer format. It is published by Acension Press and is widely available.

 

[ATeNumquam]

Thanks folks, for your replies.

I’ll tell her to have a proper talk to the priest of the parish where she was doing the RCIA.

I gather at this stage, because she has to live with the step-daughter under the same roof, as well as her husband, she doesn’t see herself as “rejecting” the one true church (which she is not yet at a point of believing) - but rather, as having a situation she can live with on a day-to-day basis, and that, for her, is the Lutherans.
She had no previous marriage and can’t see why, since her husband doesn’t want to convert, HIS marriage needs to be nullified.
Hope the priest can explain to her satisfaction (or rather understanding) - as I said, I can’t lend her any books because she is in the US and I’m in NZ.